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    My own personal hell
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  1. Thank you everyone for your responses so far and I'm sorry I don't get to come on here as often as I'd like to. Although I've not made much progress with any of my problems, it is nice to know that there are people out there who seem to have an understanding of how I feel and that in itself provides me with comfort and I find myself longing for another reply. It does also make me feel quite sad to realise how many people feel so awful and I hope we all manage to find some kind of peace in life. Hi Raven Wolf, That makes so much sense and I can confirm that it certainly isn't a gift to be an empath. I can see why those that are in the middle of the spectrum would think of it as a gift and see empaths as special people who care about everything and everyone and think that it's lovely and a gift, but for me, I can't even drive past a piece of roadkill without shedding a tear thinking about what was passing through the animal's mind in the last few split seconds of it's life and how scared it must have been etc, its horrible and it seems to dictate and rule my so called 'life'. Everything I do leaves me feeling guilty and I appologise for things that aren't even my fault and in the situation of seeing roadkill, I feel as though there should have been something that I could have done and in some way it's my fault. I suppose to an outsider, this would seem almost laughable, I mean how could it possibly be my fault? but I just can't help feeling like this. The counselor I'm currently seeing asked me in my last session, what it is that I actually want to achieve from our sessions and I think what I want, is to learn how to overcome this fear of letting people in and learning to take the risk of trusting in people. Ultimately I would love to no longer feel alone in this world, maybe even feel loved and feel capable of loving, but until I can learn to take the risk of letting people into my life I don't think much would change on this front. Unfortunately this is very hard for me to overcome, especially when I spent most of my life feeling like this and then put my trust in someone a few years back, who then eventually broke that trust, let me down and left me feeling abandoned and like I should have never taken the leap of faith in putting my trust in them. I really hope I can change things as I don't think I can go on feeling like this, as even this is making me feel guilty for feeling like this. Aaaaargh it just wont stop!!!! Hi Snow47, I can really relate, I always try to avoid going anywhere that may potentially be filled with people as I just can't cope. Unfortunately at times, it's just not possible to avoid some of these situations and the experience is awful, to the point of having panic attacks etc and the first thing I always do in these situations is look for the exits! I feel that I haven't belonged anywhere for several years now, including my 'home', which I now refer to as "The place where my bed is" as it hasn't felt like a home to me for a long time. Hi JustAnotherSufferer, I know what you mean, it seems that no matter what I do there's always someone making me feel shit for it, it doesn't seem to matter what it is, I can do something and think I've done something really kind for someone, for them to just say "Why have you done that? I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself!", or "Why have you done that, it's all wrong and I'll have to re-do it myself!". These responses to me can leave me ruminating for days, even weeks and it's awful to the point that it makes me feel like harming myself because my self esteem is so low. Hi Sober4life, I can really relate and I'm sorry to hear you also have no friends, feel that you should be a better person and feel unlovable, but I'm sure you are a good and very lovable person (just being here trying to help people like me makes you a good person in my eyes and someone deserving of being loved), but I also think in a way we are all 'freaks' and that's what helps to make us individuals. I think the world would be even worse than it already is if there weren't 'freaks', so I actually want to thank you for making my world that bit more bearable where we can be freaks together. Hi Epictetus, Thanks for asking, but to be honest I've not been that great recently. Many of my problems at the moment appear to stem from my living situation, which unfortunately due to circumstances I can't really do much about right now, but I have future plans to make changes on this front, so for now I just have to try and bear it. I've been regularly attending counselling sessions and it seems to be helping a little so far, so I'm hoping that it continues this way and that the other problems in my so called life become a bit better, but I'll keep you all posted on this. Hi Floor2017, Thanks for asking, it's nice that this many people seem genuinely concerned about me after feeling so alone for so long. To be honest I don't really have 'good' days, just days that aren't as bad as others, but even these 'good' days I spend masking my problems for the people I have to interact with and still spend the day wishing I wasn't here. Maybe one day I will have a proper good day and I'll be sure to let you know if/when this happens. Hi Soarsie18, Thanks so much for your post, I must say that the counselling I'm currently attending does seem quite positive so far and I'm really hoping it continues this way and does help me. Unfortunately due to my current circumstances it's not quite that easy to cut these people out of my life, but I do have plans to do so in the future and I'm looking forward to that day so much. I've not had an official diagnosis and all the mental health 'professionals' that I've seen, when I say that I'm trying to get a diagnosis, they have all responded with "Oh, I don't diagnose", but I do strongly believe it is BPD. I'm happy to continue to see the counselor that I'm currently seeing for now and hopefully I'll get to the point of not feeling like I just want to die, but as with everything, this is going to take time, patience and perseverance.
  2. Hi All, Sorry I've not posted recently, I've just been so busy with work and home life that I've just not had the time. I suppose in a way, this has been good as it's helped to keep my mind occupied, but anyway I had my first new counselling session today..... The anxiety leading to the appointment has been awful, I think mainly because I've been worried that it would be a waste of time due to previous experiences with counselling and being offered no help other than CBT. ( I don't have anything against CBT, but in my present mental state it's not what I need and when that's all I'm offered it just ends up frustrating and angering me.) Thankfully although the counselor mentioned that I could have CBT, she also said that if I felt that it wasn't what I needed, then I didn't have to go through it. This lifted some of my anxiety, which was nice until after discussing my problems briefly she's decided she wants to look more at the route causes of everything. This has now left me worried not only about re-living the traumatic experiences from my past, but also what else may surface, along side the problems I have talking to people about anything, let alone my personal problems/issues. The counselor does seem to want to help me, but as I don't ever talk to anyone about my problems, I struggle to articulate the way I feel, get frustrated with myself wishing I knew how to explain it all and then end up feeling like an idiot. When I'm in situations where I have to talk to people, I can't deal with being or feeling like the center of attention, so I always turn the spotlight on them, but I can't do this with counselling and I think this is why I struggle to talk about anything, but I don't know how to get past the horrible feeling I get when I feel like the center of attention. (This is partly why I don't celebrate my birthday.) Anyway, I have another session next week, so I'll see how that goes, but If anyone else has this problem with attention any advice on how to try and overcome it would be appreciated?
  3. Thanks all for your messages of support. It is nice to know that there is still some kindness in humanity and some decent people out there. I found out today that my doctor had actually referred me to another counselor and they have just offered me an appointment for two weeks from now. Hopefully they can help and not just offer me CBT as I've been worried I may end up getting sectioned due to becoming a risk to myself with the thoughts of harming. I suppose time will tell. Thanks for the referral of "The Language of Emotions" OtherKin, I'll see if I can get hold of a copy of this.
  4. Hi Oscar, Thanks for the welcome. I hope there is a solution to each of my problems as at the moment it feels like there's only one to all of them and it's not good.
  5. Hi Extremebeginner, Thanks for the welcome. Any support or encouragement is very welcomed right now, as I feel I'm in such a dark place in life. Virtual friends/ real friends, I currently have none, so any would be a good start, the problem is that I don't like myself, so I can't understand how or why anyone else would like me, especially when I feel I have no identity, what is there to like?
  6. Hi Ratvan, Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it. To be honest, I've only recently been seeing a urologist about it all as it took me a while to speak to the doctor about it in the first place due to the embarrassment and anxiety. I finally managed to get a referral to a urologist but then had to wait quite some time for an appointment. So far I've had a CAT scan on my kidneys and a cystoscopy, both of which have shown no issues and I am currently waiting for another appointment with the urologist to see what the next steps are, but I will see what he says about a stoma.
  7. I can't take my own life, I don’t have it in me, but I also don't want to live anymore and it's destroying me. There's nothing good in my life and I feel as though I'm nothing but a drain and burden on the few people in my life. Some of the people in my life even tell me that I'm a waste of space, thus providing me with more validation that I just don't belong in this world. I have so many mental, physical and social problems, I've just had enough. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years, even longer than I initially thought as I just didn't realise at a younger age that it was depression that I was experiencing. My childhood was friendless and traumatic due to bullying and a few humiliating situations I ended up in, which caused me to hide away and avoid people and eventually as a teen I turned to marijuana to allow me to escape reality and temporarily at times be rid of the feelings of depression. Over the years I've learnt that It's not just depression and anxiety that I suffer from, but something more. (I believe it to be Borderline Personality Disorder) I feel I have no identity and therefore no self-esteem and I spend much time disassociating, I engage in reckless behaviour, I also spend quite some time contemplating harming myself again (I haven’t actually harmed myself for a little while though). I hate pretty much everything about myself, in particular how I look, to the point that I can't even look in a mirror and I absolutely hate it when people try to take photos of me. I hate life and humanity in general so much, I seem to feel everything so intensely and I can't stand it. I just don't want to be in this cruel world where nothing is fair and where there is far more evil than good. I'm so sick of struggling to survive and getting nothing in return other than feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment, emptiness, detachment etc. I just don't see the point trying to survive in a world where I feel so unwanted and don't want to be. Over the past ten years I've tried getting help through the doctors and I've been on several different medications and none of them have helped. I've been sent for CBT, which hasn't helped in the slightest and now I just feel like a lost cause and that I'm just waiting for the end to come. The painful thing is not knowing when the end will be. Every night I go to sleep hoping that I will not wake the next morning, but when I do, all I can think is "well, I'm another day closer to the end, better luck tomorrow". To make things worse, about three years ago I suffered some nerve damage and I've been in nappies since then as I can no longer hold my bladder for any sustained period and I already had an over-active bladder and was visiting the toilet literally every ten minutes and now I really don't want to make any friends as I don't want to suffer the embarrassment of having an accident and having to explain that I must wear nappies or explaining my depression. I just can't see the benefits over the disadvantages of making 'friends' that could potentially, but un-intentionally hurt or abandon me, as I just can't cope with the feelings of hurt or humiliation due to how intensely I feel things and I'd rather protect myself from it all by staying away from people. I also don't want to put the burden of my problems onto someone else, as I feel that would not be fair on them, but at the same time I feel so alone and that all I need are some friends to help support me and the contradiction of this is crippling. I just wish someone could get on and put me out of my misery and end it all.
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