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nojoy

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  1. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, My family is ......   
    I don't know what to call these people in this family.  I have been used & abused by them.  Several things this past 2 weeks have just triggered the depression.
    First, my dad's last brother died.  I called my older brother & asked him to let the younger one know.  You don't 'shoot' someone a text to inform them a death. So I called him. Kept it very short because of his abusive behavior.  Two days later, I get this call from his number but its not him.  Not sure who the woman was but she had been drinking alot.  Younger brother (drunk as usual) calls me & says that was his fiancée.  And then starts harping on why I have not rsvp his wedding invite.  I tell him that I have but depending on how much pain I have that week will depend on if I actually attend.  He keeps going on & on.  I stood up for myself & told him that when he's sober I'll talk about this & hung up.  
    My niece told me that she will definitely  be leaving at the end of Sept.  I have become used to spending a day having lunch & hitting the thrift shops once a month. I just hope that this guy she met on Instagram is for real. She deserves to have someone in her life that treats her good.  Sometimes I think she & I are the sane ones in this family. She also has depression & been mistreated all of her life.  
    Six years ago our mother died, then  a month & one day later, my older brother's wife died.  I had 2 cemetery plots & he said he would buy one & would pay me $2000  when the life insurance came through.  I asked for the money  when I was taking the ex back to court.  His daughter in law gave me $500 of it.  When I asked for the rest of it, she said there was no more money to pay me.  Since that  time,  the older brother has brought 2 handguns & today he had the nerve to post pictures of a car that the younger brother sold him. With  the money he owes, I could have a hot water replace sooner since I have been heating water on the stove to take a bath.
    Talking to D1 last week, she was telling me that her father (the ex) sent her all the cards & pictures & notes that they had ever sent him.  I asked why she didn't pass on the ones her sister made or sent because she might want them.  D1 started to say something like that would be like another slap in the face for her.  I started to ask her what she meant & she hung up on me.  
    I have been hurt too many times by people who are supposed to care about me,  So I am through.  I have reached the end of the road on this ride. I'm taking the path that leads away from family.   
  2. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Bbqdad for a blog entry, My family is ......   
    I don't know what to call these people in this family.  I have been used & abused by them.  Several things this past 2 weeks have just triggered the depression.
    First, my dad's last brother died.  I called my older brother & asked him to let the younger one know.  You don't 'shoot' someone a text to inform them a death. So I called him. Kept it very short because of his abusive behavior.  Two days later, I get this call from his number but its not him.  Not sure who the woman was but she had been drinking alot.  Younger brother (drunk as usual) calls me & says that was his fiancée.  And then starts harping on why I have not rsvp his wedding invite.  I tell him that I have but depending on how much pain I have that week will depend on if I actually attend.  He keeps going on & on.  I stood up for myself & told him that when he's sober I'll talk about this & hung up.  
    My niece told me that she will definitely  be leaving at the end of Sept.  I have become used to spending a day having lunch & hitting the thrift shops once a month. I just hope that this guy she met on Instagram is for real. She deserves to have someone in her life that treats her good.  Sometimes I think she & I are the sane ones in this family. She also has depression & been mistreated all of her life.  
    Six years ago our mother died, then  a month & one day later, my older brother's wife died.  I had 2 cemetery plots & he said he would buy one & would pay me $2000  when the life insurance came through.  I asked for the money  when I was taking the ex back to court.  His daughter in law gave me $500 of it.  When I asked for the rest of it, she said there was no more money to pay me.  Since that  time,  the older brother has brought 2 handguns & today he had the nerve to post pictures of a car that the younger brother sold him. With  the money he owes, I could have a hot water replace sooner since I have been heating water on the stove to take a bath.
    Talking to D1 last week, she was telling me that her father (the ex) sent her all the cards & pictures & notes that they had ever sent him.  I asked why she didn't pass on the ones her sister made or sent because she might want them.  D1 started to say something like that would be like another slap in the face for her.  I started to ask her what she meant & she hung up on me.  
    I have been hurt too many times by people who are supposed to care about me,  So I am through.  I have reached the end of the road on this ride. I'm taking the path that leads away from family.   
  3. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, feeling ok is not enough   
    I have given up on ever feeling good.  Maybe feeling ok is good enough.  I feel like something is missing.  What that something is I don't know.  
     
  4. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from watalife for a blog entry, Still ruminating about this morning   
    Earlier today, I was at Walmart.  Now I know my niece(technically she married my nephew)  & her mother shop there on Sunday mornings, so I go  after noon.   Not today,  I run into them.  If I had seen them sooner I would have gone the other way.  I have gotten to the point where I don't like to be around her.  She has a mouth but forgets to listen to her brain before speaking.  She knows the history I have with all of the narcs in my family.  (Still trying to figure out how I did not become one).  So she says that my brothers have been texting about a new restaurant where the younger one lives & how we are all going to get together in 2 weeks oh and one of my daughters has been invited,   I know its not daughter 1 because she works in a restaurant herself & Sundays are her  best tip day.  Daughter 2 has not spoken to me since she left home, & has been to my house only for Christmas since she left 3 year ago. So I really don't want to deal with her in a public place where I have no way to leave. 
    Now I don't have the greatest relationship with either brother.  I have been picked on & bullied by them most of my life & even though the older one will call when he needs to use my house because you can't see the floors or furniture in his house, I have very little to do with them.  The younger is a functioning alcoholic  (alcoholism does run in my dad's side) & way back when I was on my way to becoming one.  
    Since my last visit with the therapist, I have been considering how to permanently remove several of the toxic people in my family.  I have been thinking of ways to get rid of them.  The one that seems to avoid a lot of stress & dangerous sliding into the depression hole is telling the niece (who can't keep quiet for nothing & will tell what I said) that I thank her for the invite (which I didn't get from either brother) but that for my continued healing I have made the decision to remove  toxic people from my life. That statement will probably go over her head but if my daughter 2 is there she who has the psych degree  she can explain it to them.  
    This may well be the first step to stop letting family stomp on me.  I taught that it was my place in life to cater to others and now may be the time to stop.  For the past 3 Christmases, I have talked about not doing Christmas with my therapist.  I have always felt guilty (thanks mother) if I did not have the family for dinner & gifts for everyone.  I hoped to find a job requiring me to work on holidays but if that doesn't happen then I may find out how far I can go on a train for the amount of money I spent on dinner & gifts & finally treat myself. 
    I only have one family member that I have begun to go out to eat & shopping with.  Poor thing is like me catches all the family crap.  Sometimes she can be annoying but not in a negative way. 
    And now I am 2 hours past my bedtime & given that I am still in that weird sleep pattern ( waking at 4am) I'm going to be cranky & unproductive tomorrow without my 7 hours of sleep. And will be having this same conversation with myself. I wish I could get rid of the me that has to keep rehashing past events.  It's not like anything is going to be changed about the event or my reaction to it.
     
  5. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from ElkSprite for a blog entry, my own world   
    my own world was very good for me... until I let people in. Then it became another step closer to the dark hole of depression.  The only way I know to keep disappointment (a trigger for my depression) from occurring in my own world is to stop interacting with people I know.  Strangers treat me better than my family and friends.  
    A funny story about why I am back here writing my thoughts & feelings.  I figured out how to password protect a document.  Until I forgot what the password is.  
    I did get a job in a hotel as housekeeper.  3 days into the job and every joint in my body swelled. I have had attacks of RA before but this was worse than worse. I was in bed for 3 days, only getting up to take more pain medicine. I no longer have that job & I'm back to looking.  
    I saw the therapist last week. And I faked my way thru being content with how I feel and in life.  And i see the meds doctor tomorrow and i will fake my way thru that appt as well.
    I have tried being good to everyone, only to get neglected. I'm tired of listening to everyone else's problem but having no one to listen to me. I don't need anyone to say this is the answer to your problems;  sometimes I just want someone to just listen. I don't need answers, I need someone to just listen.  
  6. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, my own world   
    my own world was very good for me... until I let people in. Then it became another step closer to the dark hole of depression.  The only way I know to keep disappointment (a trigger for my depression) from occurring in my own world is to stop interacting with people I know.  Strangers treat me better than my family and friends.  
    A funny story about why I am back here writing my thoughts & feelings.  I figured out how to password protect a document.  Until I forgot what the password is.  
    I did get a job in a hotel as housekeeper.  3 days into the job and every joint in my body swelled. I have had attacks of RA before but this was worse than worse. I was in bed for 3 days, only getting up to take more pain medicine. I no longer have that job & I'm back to looking.  
    I saw the therapist last week. And I faked my way thru being content with how I feel and in life.  And i see the meds doctor tomorrow and i will fake my way thru that appt as well.
    I have tried being good to everyone, only to get neglected. I'm tired of listening to everyone else's problem but having no one to listen to me. I don't need anyone to say this is the answer to your problems;  sometimes I just want someone to just listen. I don't need answers, I need someone to just listen.  
  7. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, my mind keeps looping past events   
    Every day, every hour, every minute, my mind goes back to past events.  As the negative events outweigh the very few good events, the bad events are the one my mind automatically go to & continually loop through my conscious & subconscious  thoughts. it used to be that I could escape these thoughts by crocheting or listening to music or retreating into a make-believe world of my own creation but the thoughts keep finding me.  There is no escape from them. They insert their selves into whatever I do. Even in sleep, I know they are lurking, waiting to show themselves as soon as I wake. 
     I make plans but they feed the anxiety that has begun to keep me in the house.  I have a prescription I need to pick up, but don't feel that I can be around people.  Both the therapist & Med doctor have said go outside, get some sunshine, but going outside means that I will see people & have to speak.  Which triggers more anxiety, which leads to a deeper drop into depression.
    I know that my days are numbered (no suicidual thoughts, just plain reality of the cycle of life), I can only hope that the days of death are closer than the average age of the maternal line.  The average age I speak of is 89.  Yes the females in my mother's family have lived to be in the late 80s & early 90s.  Which would mean that I have the possibility of 20 or 30 more years of this painful existence. 
    The past weekend was very difficult & this may be why the negatives keep jumping through my mind.  Sunday was mother's day and it was the date that my father passed away 24 years ago. 
  8. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from watalife for a blog entry, my own world   
    my own world was very good for me... until I let people in. Then it became another step closer to the dark hole of depression.  The only way I know to keep disappointment (a trigger for my depression) from occurring in my own world is to stop interacting with people I know.  Strangers treat me better than my family and friends.  
    A funny story about why I am back here writing my thoughts & feelings.  I figured out how to password protect a document.  Until I forgot what the password is.  
    I did get a job in a hotel as housekeeper.  3 days into the job and every joint in my body swelled. I have had attacks of RA before but this was worse than worse. I was in bed for 3 days, only getting up to take more pain medicine. I no longer have that job & I'm back to looking.  
    I saw the therapist last week. And I faked my way thru being content with how I feel and in life.  And i see the meds doctor tomorrow and i will fake my way thru that appt as well.
    I have tried being good to everyone, only to get neglected. I'm tired of listening to everyone else's problem but having no one to listen to me. I don't need anyone to say this is the answer to your problems;  sometimes I just want someone to just listen. I don't need answers, I need someone to just listen.  
  9. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Evergreenforst4 for a blog entry, my own world   
    my own world was very good for me... until I let people in. Then it became another step closer to the dark hole of depression.  The only way I know to keep disappointment (a trigger for my depression) from occurring in my own world is to stop interacting with people I know.  Strangers treat me better than my family and friends.  
    A funny story about why I am back here writing my thoughts & feelings.  I figured out how to password protect a document.  Until I forgot what the password is.  
    I did get a job in a hotel as housekeeper.  3 days into the job and every joint in my body swelled. I have had attacks of RA before but this was worse than worse. I was in bed for 3 days, only getting up to take more pain medicine. I no longer have that job & I'm back to looking.  
    I saw the therapist last week. And I faked my way thru being content with how I feel and in life.  And i see the meds doctor tomorrow and i will fake my way thru that appt as well.
    I have tried being good to everyone, only to get neglected. I'm tired of listening to everyone else's problem but having no one to listen to me. I don't need anyone to say this is the answer to your problems;  sometimes I just want someone to just listen. I don't need answers, I need someone to just listen.  
  10. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Lindsay for a blog entry, Leaving   
    I couldn't decide where to post this. Not everyone needs to see this.
    Dear Friends,
    When I found this site, I thought it was great.  I found others like myself who have lived with mental health problems & a hope to crawl out of that dark hole I found myself in so many days.
    Unfortunately, I am leaving Depression Forums. The time has come for me to what is out there. Another world.  (not in the literal sense, but in the wide world of the internet or perhaps another defeated soul.
    Epictetus & JD - Your posts & responses gave me hope & many times something to ponder.
    Sober - When I was down, you made me smile.  I want to be a kicka$$ & take no prisoners like you someday.
    Mark in the Dark - I miss you & hope you found peace.
    I hope we all find the peace away from the demons in our heads.  Perhaps one day, we will meet again in the online world.
    Peace & Love
    Joy aka nojoy
  11. Sad
    nojoy got a reaction from Depressedgurl007 for a blog entry, Leaving   
    I couldn't decide where to post this. Not everyone needs to see this.
    Dear Friends,
    When I found this site, I thought it was great.  I found others like myself who have lived with mental health problems & a hope to crawl out of that dark hole I found myself in so many days.
    Unfortunately, I am leaving Depression Forums. The time has come for me to what is out there. Another world.  (not in the literal sense, but in the wide world of the internet or perhaps another defeated soul.
    Epictetus & JD - Your posts & responses gave me hope & many times something to ponder.
    Sober - When I was down, you made me smile.  I want to be a kicka$$ & take no prisoners like you someday.
    Mark in the Dark - I miss you & hope you found peace.
    I hope we all find the peace away from the demons in our heads.  Perhaps one day, we will meet again in the online world.
    Peace & Love
    Joy aka nojoy
  12. Sad
    nojoy got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, Leaving   
    I couldn't decide where to post this. Not everyone needs to see this.
    Dear Friends,
    When I found this site, I thought it was great.  I found others like myself who have lived with mental health problems & a hope to crawl out of that dark hole I found myself in so many days.
    Unfortunately, I am leaving Depression Forums. The time has come for me to what is out there. Another world.  (not in the literal sense, but in the wide world of the internet or perhaps another defeated soul.
    Epictetus & JD - Your posts & responses gave me hope & many times something to ponder.
    Sober - When I was down, you made me smile.  I want to be a kicka$$ & take no prisoners like you someday.
    Mark in the Dark - I miss you & hope you found peace.
    I hope we all find the peace away from the demons in our heads.  Perhaps one day, we will meet again in the online world.
    Peace & Love
    Joy aka nojoy
  13. Sad
    nojoy got a reaction from Soarsie18 for a blog entry, Leaving   
    I couldn't decide where to post this. Not everyone needs to see this.
    Dear Friends,
    When I found this site, I thought it was great.  I found others like myself who have lived with mental health problems & a hope to crawl out of that dark hole I found myself in so many days.
    Unfortunately, I am leaving Depression Forums. The time has come for me to what is out there. Another world.  (not in the literal sense, but in the wide world of the internet or perhaps another defeated soul.
    Epictetus & JD - Your posts & responses gave me hope & many times something to ponder.
    Sober - When I was down, you made me smile.  I want to be a kicka$$ & take no prisoners like you someday.
    Mark in the Dark - I miss you & hope you found peace.
    I hope we all find the peace away from the demons in our heads.  Perhaps one day, we will meet again in the online world.
    Peace & Love
    Joy aka nojoy
  14. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Soarsie18 for a blog entry, Insanity   
    Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    I keep doing the same things over and over expecting things to be different, therefore I am insane. 
    I am kind to people. I am nice. I help when I can. I give my love to others.  I treat others as I want want to be treated. 
    I  am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts.  To the point where I am unable to do the simplest chore, waking to negative thoughts, replaying incidents that occurred years & years ago.
    I am always disappointed by the results. NO amount of positive thinking, taking anti-depressants, doing yoga or meditation or crystals have done any good. Keep trying says the therapist. It's just another cycle of dysthymia, you've been through this before, you just know this & what to do when this occurs, get outside, get some sunshine, break down tasks in small 10 minute segments, play your music.
    But what is the use? No one cares so why should I. The things that use to work no longer work. The music doesn't help. Being outside only brings more depression and lots of anxiety.  I look out the front door before I leave to see if anyone is outside who I may have to speak to. I like wearing the mask both the virus preventive mask & the mental illness one.  I avoid eye contact & hurry through the necessary shopping. I speak only when I have no choice.
    I am insane.
  15. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Soarsie18 for a blog entry, I'm a *itch now   
    And I hate my family. And knowing how they are, I should be use to giving in & doing what they want.
    Herein lies the problems.  I was raised to be polite. (seems like i'm the only who was raised with manners. So when I make plans with someone, I follow through or if I can't for some reason I will let you know well before the appointed time & it will be a very good reason (like death or profuse bleeding.  My family doesn't seem to understand that they behavior of cancelling at the last minute (or in the nephew's wife 2-3 hours later).
    Yes this is one of the many triggers I have.  To me, its is very rude. I have heard all kinds of excuses - such as 'I fell asleep & forgot you had the appointment you need me to drive you to; or 'the dog doesn't like being alone (this dog is close to 200 pounds & one bark people run the other way) or the daughter called & wanted to do something & I forgot to call you or 'it's going to rain'.
    So now I get to spend the rest of the day doing nothing because we had planned to go to our brother's late wife's celebration of life today but the idiots came up with reasons (see above) not to go and I took the anxiety med  because I know I would be around strangers & now  I can't find the energy to do anything? Is there a genetic test for rude & narc like genes?  I'd even pay for it just to show the idiots that they inherited from their parents! 
    So now I'm being ignored by text, phone, message (fb).  Haha, I got the last laugh because I will not be bothered by them at least until they want something & I know what I will do then; give in  as i always do.
  16. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Soarsie18 for a blog entry, visit with therapist   
    What I really wanted to title this was Suicidal or homicidal. Why you might ask?  I met with the therapist yesterday & in talking about how I have been feeling frustrated & overwhelmed since the reduced dosage of zoloft.  I have gone from feeling empty emotionally to being frustrated, angry & overwhelmed.  She asked if I was suicidal.  I said no, She asked if I felt homicidal.  My response was if people don't leave me the H alone, then someone was going to get  slapped up side the head.  I think I prefer being empty than feeling anything.  Reminds me of something my mother used to say: be careful for what you wish, it may end up being what you really don't want. (oh yeah, I supposed to call the doc & talk about how the zolofyt )
    So who do I want to slap up the side of the head? Let's start with my family.  The younger brother & his late wife's daughters finally was able to hold a celebration of life. She died a year & restrictions have been released on the number of people in a gathering (still have to wear masks).  I detailed in my last post about the events that occurred regarding what happened.  Then yesterday, the older brother sent a text saying he needed to know what day & time to meet with the rep from the humira at my house.   Seriously, clean your own dam(n) house to meet with these people.  I'm not his mother and  I do not have OCD about cleaning like my mother.   I haven't been able to get anything done in my own house feeling like I do.  This morning, D1 calls to ask what we are doing for Easter.  We haven't done anything for Easter since my mother died.   This is what I believe led to this question: D2's birthday is on Easter.  D2 has been to my house 3 times in the last 2 years, she made her choice to move out because we were getting on each others nerves.  Two years ago, I had no nerves to get on, I had no feelings about anything.  D2 will get the same thing D1 got for her birthday - a card & a starbucks card.
    I asked D1 to come over next week during spring break when the grandkids are out of school since I haven't seen them since Christmas to help me clear out the enclosed back porch. She hemmed & hawed. Told her that I only needed someone to move the heavy stuff because of the RA has been painful for the past month.  (Yep, when it rains on me, I get the monsoon).  When I said most of the stuff was her granny's Christmas stuff so jumped right in that & said she would be over Wed or Thurs (her days off). We shall see what happens (& by that I mean if she even shows up.)
  17. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from watalife for a blog entry, Insanity   
    Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    I keep doing the same things over and over expecting things to be different, therefore I am insane. 
    I am kind to people. I am nice. I help when I can. I give my love to others.  I treat others as I want want to be treated. 
    I  am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts.  To the point where I am unable to do the simplest chore, waking to negative thoughts, replaying incidents that occurred years & years ago.
    I am always disappointed by the results. NO amount of positive thinking, taking anti-depressants, doing yoga or meditation or crystals have done any good. Keep trying says the therapist. It's just another cycle of dysthymia, you've been through this before, you just know this & what to do when this occurs, get outside, get some sunshine, break down tasks in small 10 minute segments, play your music.
    But what is the use? No one cares so why should I. The things that use to work no longer work. The music doesn't help. Being outside only brings more depression and lots of anxiety.  I look out the front door before I leave to see if anyone is outside who I may have to speak to. I like wearing the mask both the virus preventive mask & the mental illness one.  I avoid eye contact & hurry through the necessary shopping. I speak only when I have no choice.
    I am insane.
  18. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, Insanity   
    Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    I keep doing the same things over and over expecting things to be different, therefore I am insane. 
    I am kind to people. I am nice. I help when I can. I give my love to others.  I treat others as I want want to be treated. 
    I  am constantly bombarded by negative thoughts.  To the point where I am unable to do the simplest chore, waking to negative thoughts, replaying incidents that occurred years & years ago.
    I am always disappointed by the results. NO amount of positive thinking, taking anti-depressants, doing yoga or meditation or crystals have done any good. Keep trying says the therapist. It's just another cycle of dysthymia, you've been through this before, you just know this & what to do when this occurs, get outside, get some sunshine, break down tasks in small 10 minute segments, play your music.
    But what is the use? No one cares so why should I. The things that use to work no longer work. The music doesn't help. Being outside only brings more depression and lots of anxiety.  I look out the front door before I leave to see if anyone is outside who I may have to speak to. I like wearing the mask both the virus preventive mask & the mental illness one.  I avoid eye contact & hurry through the necessary shopping. I speak only when I have no choice.
    I am insane.
  19. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from JD4010 for a blog entry, another bday to be forgotten   
    I wrote somewhere (in notebook, here or somewhere) that I ignored the 2 Ds birthday b/c they ignored mine since their grandmother died.  Because of that,  I actually got a bday card  & gift to restaurant that I got food poisoning at before.  So far the only [person who has acknowledge my bday is my niece & the psych doctor office annual bday greeting
    Today has been hard b/c of the constant tears, a reduction in zoloft, & something I cannot label b/c I don't know how to explain it. The reduction is zoloft is b/c I was feeling nothing emotionally. I think I was better off not feeling anything.  I have tried to  go to bed & sleep to block out the depression but sleep eluded me. I have a headache, might be from the reduction in zoloft or perhaps (& more than likely) the surviving on tea & cigarettes for the past 12 hours.  
    I asked D1 to bring the grandkids over 3 weeks ago to get things that I crocheted for them. Still haven't seen them or talked to them. So I may tear everything apart and reuse the yarn to make lap afghans for vets or nursing home. I was raised to be a door mat. That it is my responsibility to take care of everyone in the family.  But no one thinks that I need anything.  I have been without hot water unless I heat it on the stove. (hot water heater  went kaput & no money to get it fix b/c no job & enough money to just cover the bills).  
    I just want someone to acknowledge that they care about me & not what they want something from me.  
    Saw therapist last week  & made the comment that the cycle was beginning again.  Her response was 'that's why you have the diagnosis of dysthymia'. What I really wanted to know was a permanent solution to break this cycle. From the end of November til the end of August, I live in  depression.  I hide it very well from everyone.  I hide the hurt & pain that I feel dealing with certain people in my life,  Because I expect to be treated the way I treat them.
    A sad story, I was with my brother & his daughter in law having lunch one day & the topic of dying came up. I said no one would know when I died because no one cares.  The idiot brother says somebody better know so we can get mom's antiques. And this is my family. The younger idiot brother has told everyone that I hate him b/c I don't call him. I don't have anything in common with him so there's nothing to talk to him about.  I have realized that I have nothing in common with any member of my family except for my niece who  has delusions that she is texting and going to nashville to live with a country music singer. 
    Back to the therapist, she said my thinking is very narrow.  I agreed b/c in my real life world, things are black or white. I don't live in fifty shades of grey. It is either/or.  The answer is either yes or no. Either you care or don't care.
    It's either the beginning or the end, nothing between matters.  The day I was born is one day closer to the day I die. And the final chapter will be no one cared.
  20. Like
    nojoy reacted to Soarsie18 for a blog entry, beyond belief that this present moment is my reality   
    My entries in this forum so far have been some of my worst. I faced some major trauma a couple of years ago coupled with major disappointment and i saw my personality change. 
    depression clouded my thought so heavily that i could not even hope for the life that i live now. 
    most days i still wake up and feel like that little girl i was two years ago. I am still monitored by medication which buggs me and scares me equally. 
    But for the first time since joining the forum I am able to dream a different life. I am able to aspire to get it, work hard for it and i see myself progressing each day. This truly is the best gift anyone could give me. 
    It has taken no less than two years and finally i have some input on my life. 
    Hold on for that aspiration. without aspiration there is no purpose. Life is hard, cruel and uncertain, but at least with aspirations we can serve a purpose.
    In the time between joining this forum and now i have touched many lives.
    I met a wonderful boy from sweden who i was so fortunate to meet two summers ago, he has touched my life forever.  I have started a relationship with a boy in london and we have worked hard to build a happy life together. I have rented a flat for the first time, and have gotten myself a job in a model agency. 
    Life is bearable. I have my ambition, I have my vision, and I work towards it every day. It would be wrong not to include this in my journey because although it will not be the end of depression it is a victory, and a reminder of how we can be.
    I am still everything i was two years ago, but with time comes progression, I am not only a rape victim, and a failed veterinarian, now I am a university student, a model, i have an income, a flat, a life, and i'm happy to embody all of it. 
    I hold you all so dearly, with hardship comes perspective, understanding and strength, and every victory is a massive step forward. Celebrate it all. love from meg. 
  21. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from Nightjar for a blog entry, Another new thought   
    I keep seeing these quotes on facebook. And sometimes one will stick in my thoughts. So I have found that if I write about what I think of the quotes, it helps me in a good way.
    Today's quote:
                    "You're not being selfish for wanting to be treated well"
    I wonder how many of us with depression have been brainwashed into believing that others should come first and our feelings don't matter and it doesn't matter how we are treated.
    I was taught that my entire life. I have finally learned this lesson. I deserve to have what I want. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. If I want an fried egg sandwich, I can fix it, doesn't matter that I am only fixing it for me. If I can't handle today, I can sit and play computer games all day. 
    I would add to the quote:  "and you're not being selfish by putting yourself first". 
    So, do what you need to get through the day. if it means working or cleaning or staying in bed with a good book or binge watching tv, do it. If you need a day to yourself with no one around, take that day.  
    I'm taking today. I was supposed to go out of town with family to take care of some business, but plans changed. I tend to get upset when plans change but today I'm going to do whatever I want, not sure what it will be but it will be for me
  22. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, I could cancel Christmas by lying that I'm sick   
    It would be so easy to send a text to the family that there will be no Christmas dinner or exchange at my house because I'm sick.  Really I am sick....sick of trying to make everyone happy... sick of being taken advantage of... sick of making plans with one particular family member & always her forgetting those plans to hang out with her daughter or she 'forgot' we had plans or she fell asleep.
    I was being nice by having 2 separate dinners on Christmas Day so that my brother with copd  wouldn't be around my grandkids. But his daughter-in-law said that wouldn't work & to have the second dinner on the weekend. I hate cooking one dinner & this year I can't afford a second one.  So I really think Christmas will be cancelled. Shoot, I quit having Thanksgiving 3 years ago because I was sick. 
    I have gifts for everyone & they can call when they are close to my house & I will put the gifts in a bag on the porch to be picked up. Its not like I get anything from them.  Maybe this year I will give myself a present by cancelling Christmas at my house and staying in bed all day.
     
  23. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from watalife for a blog entry, I could cancel Christmas by lying that I'm sick   
    It would be so easy to send a text to the family that there will be no Christmas dinner or exchange at my house because I'm sick.  Really I am sick....sick of trying to make everyone happy... sick of being taken advantage of... sick of making plans with one particular family member & always her forgetting those plans to hang out with her daughter or she 'forgot' we had plans or she fell asleep.
    I was being nice by having 2 separate dinners on Christmas Day so that my brother with copd  wouldn't be around my grandkids. But his daughter-in-law said that wouldn't work & to have the second dinner on the weekend. I hate cooking one dinner & this year I can't afford a second one.  So I really think Christmas will be cancelled. Shoot, I quit having Thanksgiving 3 years ago because I was sick. 
    I have gifts for everyone & they can call when they are close to my house & I will put the gifts in a bag on the porch to be picked up. Its not like I get anything from them.  Maybe this year I will give myself a present by cancelling Christmas at my house and staying in bed all day.
     
  24. Sad
    nojoy got a reaction from law055car for a blog entry, and the holidays just keep getting worse as the day get closer   
    And the holidays just keep getting worse as Christmas approach.  I'm tired of people asking how are we doing Christmas. My older brother has crohn's & copd, my younger brother lost his 2nd wife in March from complications of H1N1,plus he has a new girlfriend. I have not seen the younger daughter since she nearly ran me down in the road nor has she responded to the email, text FB message from January I sent asking what she wanted to do with the 2 dressers & closet full of clothes & 7 boxes of books she left when she left.
    I told my oldest that her sister has some nerve showing her face at my house on christmas afternoon after the way she has been towards me since she left. 
    I only have 3 good months out of every year. From November to August, I hate life.  Those months involve holidays and birthdays which in my life equals fights. I wish those 9 months didn't affect my life like they do. 
  25. Like
    nojoy got a reaction from sober4life for a blog entry, being taken for granted   
    I let too many people in my life take me for granted.  More precisely i let my family do this.  I have no friends only acquaintances because I was always the person to go to when someone need help but when I needed them no one was around.  It is easy to have no friends because there is no expectations and no disappointment.
    Therapist asked why I let people take advantage of me. Because I was raised that it was my place in life to help others. And if I don't I feel guilt.
    Today my brother texted me about availability to meet with a rep of the Humira med to show "us" how to administer the drug (just a fancy EpiPen, nothing to it). About a week ago, I saw a website offering a training video kit so I requested it on behalf of my brother. I reminded him about that kit and that I wasn't really needed at this meeting.  Being sarcastic, I said " I guess you want to do this  meeting at my house because my house is cleaner" . The A$$hole replied with yeah, thanks. 
    Later, I texted him about Christmas at my house since he has COPD and that if I get sick no one will care. Now I have 6 grandkids of which 2 are under age 4. He said he really doesn't want to be around kids. No mention of concern about me getting sick. So am I supposed to make special arrangements to accommodate him or not see my grandkids on Christmas day.  I could be nice and fix him a plate on Christmas day and take it and his gifts to him. In the past 15 years, I have not receive anything from him.  Here's the kicker, he tells everyone that he does not do Christmas but every year he sends me links to things he wants me to buy for him.
     I am already having a hard time to tell the child I have not seen since January when she nearly ran me down while I crossing the street. I did buy her a couple of presents but I really want to mail her the gift card and tell her she is not welcomed at my house this year and any year after that.
    The depression/anxiety is worse this year because not only do I have to deal with the holiday crap, but also covid 19, and the way I feel about my family.
    So I wish anyone who reads this, to understand that right now just reading what others write on the forums affects the depression/anxiety because I can't help anyone and there's nothing I can say that won't bring others down. 
    Peace, stay well until next time.
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