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nojoy

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Everything posted by nojoy

  1. Hello, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I am dealing with the same situation & don't know what I can do to remedy the situation. Just know you're not alone & I hope that the answers will come.
  2. I'm doing good, considering the family stuff over the past two weeks. I did research to find a workable solution to the many issues others in the family are having, & wrote out each with pros & cons when confronted again. Spoke with an aunt (in Iowa) & a cousin (in Minnesota) both reported lots of snow. Begged them to keep the white stuff. Please. please, pretty please keep that nasty white stuff. Want to know something they find funny, my city & several other cities in the metro area shut down when we get more than 2 feet of snow! And it's not because of snow but more of the ice that forms on the roads. Stay safe & warm friends but please pretty please don't send that white stuff my way.
  3. I had 2 amazon gift cards for doing surveys about covid earlier this year. Spent them on myself. brought 2 of the diamond dot kits.
  4. suppose to be in the high 60s, partly cloudy. my kind of weather.
  5. I am in a good place. In about an hour I will take 1/2 pill for anxiety. Just to get ahead of the anxiety from being with family. Merry Christmas & let's hope for a better new year!
  6. As I am going through something similar with my brother & his family & friends thinks he has lost touch with reality & his "doctor" told him he is saying bizarre things about being in contact with his deceased wife. The family expert on all things depression, came home from a visit with the friends & "doctor" & did some research. The difference between hallucination & delusion: Hallucination refers to a state belonging to a person in which the person sees or believes in things that do not exist in reality or exists in reality in a different manner. A real life example: a lady in former church was looking up at the ceiling, talking quietly to herself. after church, a group of members were talking about her behavior because the lady told someone she was talking to the angels in heaven through a hole in the ceiling. I nearly got asked to leave the church by saying how do we know that she is not talking to the angels & maybe we should all be like her in our faith. Delusion denotes a state in which a person believes something to be here despite having all the evidence pointing towards the falseness of that particular thing. A real life example: My brother has in the past month, has been looking for his deceased wife. He has called her no longer in service cell phone, looked her up on the internet. But when told that she is dead, he'll tell us that he knows she's dead & buried in the cemetery with our mom & dad. And then he starts trying to tell us about thing he found online about his wife, within a 3 hour period with my brother, we had the same conversation 3a dozen + times about women with the same name as his wife that he found online with me saying that none of these women look anything like his wife. Someone who develops psychosis will have their own unique set of symptoms and experiences, according to their particular circumstances. But in general, four main symptoms are associated with a psychotic episode: hallucinations delusions confused and disturbed thoughts lack of insight and self-awareness One group I know of is National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- 1-800-273-8255 to talk with someone & they also have an online chat at suicidepreventionlieline.org And we are here for you too. You are stronger & braver than you believe yourself to be.
  7. Back in the 70s, there was a song that told of a woman who had been to all these places, done all these things, but she had never been to me (meaning herself). I have never been to me. I have always played the parts that other people wanted. I am now in a place that the therapist calls this is what normal is like for people. You see the problem, you find an acceptable solution for the problem & you move on to the next thing. G-d I love this woman. She has helped me to relax, stop the overthinking & let other people solve their own problems, that's it okay to say no, its ok to stand up for myself & its ok to help when asked. I'm not ever going to be free of depression/anxiety. I will often question myself. Sometimes the dark hole may reappear but I have the confidence & tools to keep away from the edge. I will be on meds for the rest of my life.
  8. Life is hard enough living with depression, but family can make it worse. They just don't get it. And when we try to explain it, they still don't understand. They don't get that we cannot turn off the feelings of depression & wanting to end the pain to because it hurts so bad. Families like ours on the forums, understand what we feel because we have also lived the pain you feel. I think that our biological families don't understand because they are afraid of depression. They are afraid to acknowledge our feelings & how that will change their own lives. My brother has yelled at me the times I have been called to go check on him. He wants everyone to mind their own business & stop overreacting. In the past I would've said fine & walked away. Now each time, I reminded him that people care about him. I also said that he should be glad that he has friends & family who care because I don't have anyone who sees that pain I live with and all anyone cares about me is what they can get. You are braver & stronger than you think. take care & know that we understand & care about you.
  9. tired. these days of 4:30 wake ups have to stop.
  10. cherryapplez, just know that we are here & you are loved. i have had days like this & i think we all have. do something for yourself, even if it is going back to bed & pulling the covers over your head. we all deserve a day of cocooning.
  11. I heartily agree. I wish they would let me bring my kitties though. the library is the one place I don't mind everyone knowing my name. I read alot of cozy mysteries that have settings & cats in them. Several years ago, the public library asked for suggestions. I suggested adding a cat or two. Still waiting for that to happen.
  12. Well, I woke up at 4:30am, fixed a cup of tea, had a cigarette, looked at the clock & said the heck with the day, I went back to bed for a 2 hour nap. Since I woke up at the decent hour of 7am, I have played 2 games on the computer, checked email& facebook, had another cup of tea & looked at my to-do list. It's almost 10, I guess I could do something on the to-do list.
  13. winter months are the hardest. the cold & often lack of sunshine makes my depression seem worse. my therapist says to go outside get some sun & fresh air. that triggers the asthma & doesn't help either me feel any better.
  14. Since you said you have saved other communications from her to be read when you are stronger, perhaps a simple wishing you a happy holidays. It would allow you peace that at least you did this much. IMO, I wouldn't say anything else. Your mother may see this as a way into your life, especially giving her the information about when she may hear from you. You may not be ready by spring to resume a relationship with her.
  15. Hey duck, my plan was to go to Atlanta but with my brother's current mental state & his daughter-in-law having a chemo treatment on Dec 23, I feel like I'm needed more here & money is a bit tight. But I have decided that when my 2 daughters & oldest one's family leave after dinner on the 25th I am heading to the local beach for an hour of walking & quiet. That will be my new tradition.
  16. today rainy, yesterday foggy, both days in the high 60s. hopefully christmas day it will sunny & warm so after the family leaves I can go to the beach to destress.
  17. I have reached the point of acceptance. I will never be happy=go=lucky but I have more further away from the black hole. As my niece used to say to questions about life: 'whatever'.
  18. @FerryJerry I understand how you feel. The holidays bring a lot of bad memories + the joint pain & swelling from RA is too much sometimes. I have made food, ate a bite or two & thrown the rest away. It is easier to graze than fix a meal just for me. Regarding the therapist, it took me 40 years, 3 therapists until I finally found one I could trust to be open with. Finding a therapist I could trust helped me to get where I am today. It has been a difficult & long road but I do feel that I am making progress. During one of the dark periods. I asked if in-patient hospital treatment would help. She said no because all they will do is give you a bunch of pills that will only mask the feelings you have. Hope everything works out for you. Know you are loved & cared for by me,
  19. two things 1 on sunday I was at the craft store. the prettiest baby I saw, looked at me & gave me the biggest smile on her tiny little face. that made my sunday special. 2 I hadn't seen my brother on facebook in 2 days. Very unusual for him. I hate texting & he hates talking on the phone, I texted him to see if he was ok. He was banned from facebook, in his words for being an a==hole. I was not just smiling, I was laughing so hard that I almost fell off the stool I was sitting on.
  20. Your post is an inspiration. I hope all went well with your surgery & recovery. I have found that strangers are more helpful than family & have no hidden agenda of what they want from me.
  21. I really should be crying, yelling & hiding in bed. There was a leak in the heating oil tank, bigger than could be repaired without high cost of replacement. I'm just sitting here shaking my head (been doing that since yesterday when my nephew gave me the bad news) and thinking of plan B for heat. Guess the meds are doing are good job & the coping skills I learned in therapy are working.
  22. @cherryapplez2020 I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother. I know it is harder at Christmas than any other time of year. The first years after my father (1997) , my grandmother (2004) & my mother in (2015) were the worst. And it doesn't get easier as time goes by. Remember the good times you had with & know she loved you. Think about writing down all the good times you had in a memory book. share with your family if you chose or keep it just for yourself to read when you think of her.
  23. Do you want to talk about it? If you don't want to share on the open forum, you can PM me.
  24. Hi Nightjar! Now that I have found the right therapist (over 20 yrs & 3 prior therapists) & 4 yrs with her, I can say I see how I have changed the way i deal with depression, rather than treat it as hiding the crazy auntie in the attic, I let family know what is happening. If I need to have a day or 2 without contact, I take it. I have stopped being the "yes" person to every request made. I chose what I want to do. There for a while, I began to isolate myself because of the increase of anxiety (psych doc & I lowered dose of one med) & luckily my niece noticed the change & began calling me to go out to lunch, thrift shops & fabric stores. When she moved away, I stopped going out to lunch but still take a day a week to hit the fabric shops & thrift shops followed by a message of look what I found. During my last visit with the therapist & after I spent 30 minutes talking about the weeks of dramas since the last visit, she commented about how far I had come from the first visit & how I successfully dealt with the dramas without losing myself to overthinking what I could do to make everything better for everyone involved. I feel that I have come a long way, but I also know that I may have won this battle but in life there are more to come. I have accepted that I will never be totally free of depression/anxiety & will be on depression meds for the rest of my life. In the past when I began feeling better, I would stop the meds & repeat the history of my depression. I can't do that now because I know what will happen & I kinda like who I am, warts & all. I found a therapist who uses the cognitive behavior therapy & has taught me things/exercises I can use to deal with my problems. If she sees something that she believes is not in my best interest, she will flat out tell me. With the past ones, I always felt defeated worse when I left. Sorry this post is soo long, but I really want people to know not to lose hope, there is a therapist for everyone & sometimes it takes years to find the right one & the right combination of meds & doctor to prescribe them. I'm not making myself the poster child of curing depression/anxiety. Yeah I have come a long way & I still have a ways to go. And finally, I do see the light at the top of that dark hole & I am getting closer to the top. if you haven't found the right therapist keep looking. And don't be afraid to say no. Don't give up! Use the support you find here (a BIG thank you to all of you that gave me support when I was in the dark!), Many days I came here so far down, I read what others wrote, not posting or clocking the like button just reading. I found strength & hope in what you wrote & it helped me to make it through the night. And I am sorry this is a long post. Be strong & brave & I may never meet you IRL but know that I love & respect each of you.
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