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About nojoy

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  • Birthday March 9

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  1. Hi magicfan. Not sure where you live. Where I live there are 2 community services that offers therapy services based on income. Check into what is available where you are. I have found alot of help thru the posts here; just having a place to vent, cry, or even scream helps because here there is no judgment.
  2. Very anxious, feels like me insides are shaking to pieces. I need to make 2 calls & feel panicky. One is actually a text to a plumber about the water heater that gave out 2 days ago. And the library has closed again due to an increase in covid cases in my city. The library began a curbside pickup but no directions on how to request the books I want. What I really want to say to the library is 'Just let me in to check out the cozy mystery paperbacks. I'll double up the masks & wear surgical grade gloves, I just want to read something that lets me escape today's reality! I like to walk thru the stacks waiting til something catches my interest. It may be fiction or nonfiction. It may be something I have interest in or something or an author I never read before.
  3. That's how i was last year. Told therapist that I was sooo tired that I just wanted to sleep all day and night. And I did sleep except when the cats needed care. She told me not to go back to bed. Then I slept in the chair or on the sofa. Next appt, she told me to find something to do so I would be distracted from sleeping. I found things to do but would still fall asleep. Next appt, I lied about still sleeping/being tired/exhausted. I figured that my body was telling me that I need the sleep/rest. And I gave into it and eventually I began to have the energy to be awake. I'm not in the medical field, but I have learned over the years and with a couple of crappy doctors, that I know my body & mind better than they do and what works for me. So if you want to sleep, then sleep as long as you don't put yourself(ex: doing dangerous things while asleep) or others in danger.
  4. People who say "I know how you feel." No you don't know how I feel because you aren't in my mixed-up, confused, depressed, anxious brain.
  5. I had been doing yoga until the studio closed due to covid. They couldn't recover from being closed at the beginning of the year for 3 months and then reopening with less students due to restrictions on gatherings. So I haven't been doing anything. I have plenty of yoga and other forms of exercise but I lack motivation when left on my own.
  6. it has been a rough day, so I took a pill for anxiety, then forgot I took the pill and 20 minutes later, I took a second one... so I feel strangely very relaxed.
  7. I had a good doctor that put me on Prozac and when I decided I need help to quit smoking he added wellbutrin at the lowest dosage (I have problems with the side effects of many drugs) which worked great. I was smoke free for 2 years. Then he moved on & the next 2 doctors were awful. one wouldn't renew my prescriptions without bloodwork & the 2nd, she was something else. She changed me to Zoloft & increased the wellbutrin to 150 mg. And this was after she ordered the genetic drug testing. Results of that was I could take most anti-depressants, but would not tolerate high doses of the wellbutrin. I got a free ride with the police because she thought I was suicidual to the local psych hospital for evaluation. Nope I was not on the path to suicide but I was having a reaction to the wellbutrin and the depression was the worst ever & I started back smoking. New psych doctor lowered the dosage of wellbutrin, upped the zoloft to 100 mg and added amitriptylin 50 mg. I have been on this combo for over a year and it does help keep me from the dark hole of depression.
  8. Been awhile since I visited. I too have been diagnosed with MDD & GAD. For years, I have been to doctors for medical problems and therapists. I really felt that no one understood because I didn't have the words to described how I felt. The doctor I had for years would put me on vitamins, do all kinds of tests. Of course this was back in the late 70's/early 80s. And in those days, not much was known or talk about depression/anxiety & if anyone said anything it amounted to "get over it, you need to get up & do something" I got lucky in the 2000's that I found a good, young doctor that had been out of med school only a few years. He convinced me to try antidepressants again (been on them on/off since the 80's) and suggested therapy again. It took sometime but he found the right drug and encouraged me to keep looking for a therapist. I found a great therapist who believe in cognitive behavior therapy. Unfortunately, my doctor moved up into administration & the next 2 doctors really messed me up. But I surprised myself and the therapist by looking for a medical professional who specialize in prescribing mental health drugs. I found that treating MDD/GAD for me was finding the right doctor who prescribed the meds & not change them every time I see her and finding the right therapist. And for me accepting the fact that I will always be friends with MDD/GAD and I may spend the rest of my life taking anti-depressants and using the coping skills I have learned. Finding Depression Forums has been a big part in helping me to understand and know that I am not alone. I have taken things here and found ways to apply them to my life. WE all do not experience depression/anxiety the same way but WE have all share symptoms and feelings. It has taken me over 40 years, 5 doctors, 7 therapists and every anti-depressant that came on the market to find the right doctor, right combo of drugs and the right therapist to get to today. I'm going to have good days & bad days but I have learned from others here that it is ok to be depressed & that here is a safe place to vent & share what works.
  9. Hi Maisie and welcome to df. There are a lot of folks here who understand what you are feeling. I found many suggestions and support that have helped me.
  10. nojoy

    a bad start to a new year

    2020 was an bit better than 2019. Had minor depressed periods but nothing I couldn't handle. Christmas wasn't too bad. I did learn that whatever I tell daughter 1, she runs to tell daughter 2. A couple of weeks before I mentioned that her sister would have some nerve to come considering that I hadn't heard from her since Christmas 2019. Christmas 2020, I asked if daughter 1 if daughter 2 was going to show up. That began the "you said she couldn't come". Nope that was not what I said' i said i didn't think she would come because of the disrespect she showed me last year. Daughter 1 called daughter 2 (from here on referred to as d1 & d2). d2 came. never spoke to me I take that back; d1 & d2 were talking about d2's job & in the prior conversation with d1 before Christmas I said it was terrible that d2 was working stocking produce when she had a bachelors degree in psych. (there is nothing wrong with working in a store & this girl put herself thru 2 years at a community college and 2 years at a university working in a produce store). d2 made a snide remark about having a job in which she can use her degree. A week later d1 calls and says they are coming over to go thru d2's clothes she left here 2 years ago. I might be disappointed in d2's behavior & attitude but I'm not going to let someone go thru another's personal stuff & told d1 she needed to talk to d2. d2 gets on the phone & says they will be at my house on tuesday. I had appointments on tuesday and wednesday so they could not come. d1 said they would come the following week & told her to call about it closer to that week. I have not heard from d1 since before new years day. Like I said 2020 wasn't too bad. Given the crap with the daughters, 2021 didn't start off to bad. Had my brother's family over on Jan 8th and even invited the younger brother that hasn't spoken to me since our mother died in 2015. He is what my therapist called a functioning alcoholic. he asked if he could bring his beer (sure I said though I think I did shock him as I hate the smell of beer ever since I worked a theme park near a well known brewery & would get nausea every midnight when I left the park. the smell of cooking hops is not a pleasant one,) then shock number 2 was when i said ok when he asked if he could bring his friend which I already knew he had started seeing not a month after his 2nd wife died. he texted me the day before saying he couldn't make it. We did have a nice time, gave everyone a choice of traditional Christmas dinner or meatball subs; went with the subs and nephew's wife brought chips and dip & my brother brought his goulash, i provided the meatballs, sub rolls & mother's mac & cheese along with desserts. I sent the leftovers home with them. I realize something that day, my nephew is the only one who ever hugs me. Every time I see him, he always hugs when he leaves. I'm starting to tear up because I know that I matter to one person in my family 2021 started out good. I still can't find a job And I definitely need one. my savings have hit the bottom of the barrel. I'm hoping I don't run out of heating oil. the thermostat is set for 62 and I'm hoping that there is no snow or extremely low temps. Plus the RA has been flaring extremely bad to the point where I am having to use the cane & take motrin thru out the day. this morning I noticed a wet spot by the bathroom door. Poor kitty, I blamed her the wet spot. I put down a towel to soak up the wetness & noticed that the towel was alot wetter than if she peed there. so I check the closet where the water heater is and found more water on the floor there. So now no hot water, no money to replace the water heater & rejections for all the jobs I apply for. I can't even get a job cleaning because I don't have experience. So here's hoping that the rest of 2021 goes better. If not, I may take a long walk. One thing I like about having the blog. I can vent and no one in the family can access it as when I was writing in a notebook. And everyone here knows and understands how I feel and doesn't make a big deal out of it by saying 'get over it...stop being so dramatic!
  11. It would be so easy to send a text to the family that there will be no Christmas dinner or exchange at my house because I'm sick. Really I am sick....sick of trying to make everyone happy... sick of being taken advantage of... sick of making plans with one particular family member & always her forgetting those plans to hang out with her daughter or she 'forgot' we had plans or she fell asleep. I was being nice by having 2 separate dinners on Christmas Day so that my brother with copd wouldn't be around my grandkids. But his daughter-in-law said that wouldn't work & to have the second dinner on the weekend. I hate cooking one dinner & this year I can't afford a second one. So I really think Christmas will be cancelled. Shoot, I quit having Thanksgiving 3 years ago because I was sick. I have gifts for everyone & they can call when they are close to my house & I will put the gifts in a bag on the porch to be picked up. Its not like I get anything from them. Maybe this year I will give myself a present by cancelling Christmas at my house and staying in bed all day.
  12. nojoy

    being taken for granted

    I let too many people in my life take me for granted. More precisely i let my family do this. I have no friends only acquaintances because I was always the person to go to when someone need help but when I needed them no one was around. It is easy to have no friends because there is no expectations and no disappointment. Therapist asked why I let people take advantage of me. Because I was raised that it was my place in life to help others. And if I don't I feel guilt. Today my brother texted me about availability to meet with a rep of the Humira med to show "us" how to administer the drug (just a fancy EpiPen, nothing to it). About a week ago, I saw a website offering a training video kit so I requested it on behalf of my brother. I reminded him about that kit and that I wasn't really needed at this meeting. Being sarcastic, I said " I guess you want to do this meeting at my house because my house is cleaner" . The A$$hole replied with yeah, thanks. Later, I texted him about Christmas at my house since he has COPD and that if I get sick no one will care. Now I have 6 grandkids of which 2 are under age 4. He said he really doesn't want to be around kids. No mention of concern about me getting sick. So am I supposed to make special arrangements to accommodate him or not see my grandkids on Christmas day. I could be nice and fix him a plate on Christmas day and take it and his gifts to him. In the past 15 years, I have not receive anything from him. Here's the kicker, he tells everyone that he does not do Christmas but every year he sends me links to things he wants me to buy for him. I am already having a hard time to tell the child I have not seen since January when she nearly ran me down while I crossing the street. I did buy her a couple of presents but I really want to mail her the gift card and tell her she is not welcomed at my house this year and any year after that. The depression/anxiety is worse this year because not only do I have to deal with the holiday crap, but also covid 19, and the way I feel about my family. So I wish anyone who reads this, to understand that right now just reading what others write on the forums affects the depression/anxiety because I can't help anyone and there's nothing I can say that won't bring others down. Peace, stay well until next time.
  13. And the holidays just keep getting worse as Christmas approach. I'm tired of people asking how are we doing Christmas. My older brother has crohn's & copd, my younger brother lost his 2nd wife in March from complications of H1N1,plus he has a new girlfriend. I have not seen the younger daughter since she nearly ran me down in the road nor has she responded to the email, text FB message from January I sent asking what she wanted to do with the 2 dressers & closet full of clothes & 7 boxes of books she left when she left. I told my oldest that her sister has some nerve showing her face at my house on christmas afternoon after the way she has been towards me since she left. I only have 3 good months out of every year. From November to August, I hate life. Those months involve holidays and birthdays which in my life equals fights. I wish those 9 months didn't affect my life like they do.
  14. nojoy

    the dreaded holidays

    and so begins the hurt, disappointment, and hidden tears. Oldest child called about being id'ed buying a lottery ticket (she's 34) which led into what she was making for thanksgiving with her husband's family. I stopped doing dinner about 3 years ago when I was sick and haven't done it since. And what are 'we' doing for christmas or "are you even doing christmas this year" Don't know where that can from but I wish I could. It's bad enough that I feel guilty for not doing thanksgiving but the guilt would be overwhelming if I didn't do christmas. Why? because for years all I heard from my mother was that the only thanksgiving/christmas my older brother had was at her house. And so I carry that guilt trip with me and probably until the day I die. I have always hated the holidays/birthdays. I have no happy (whatever the hell happy is supposed to be) memories of any time in my life. my mother would always find something wrong and the yelling would begin.
  15. a way to escape real life and into the fantasy world i create
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