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BillyC

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About BillyC

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  1. Indian food! It is so spicy and aromatic. I'm crazy for curry!
  2. I concur! I've been here less than a week and already gained some benefit from it. I've been able to express myself and get things off my chest that I cant say to people around me. I've also been able to hear others stories which has given me perspective on my own issues and not feel alone. It has helped me develop my empathy. I love this site! I'm so glad it exists!
  3. Hmm. I've heard of these but never really delved deep into them. I'll look into them! I am a bit of an analyzer. Overthinking things, being too cautious, critical, and a "perfectionist"(to a true perfectionist, perfection is never achieved). I like fixing houses and building things and solving things like a puzzle. But when it comes to people, they cant be fit into neat boxes and labeled and organized and predictable. I used to lament to my ex-wife "I can fix houses, but I can't fix people". Lol. I feel more contentment building a material object than building a relationship (though there is a lonely void in me). I did join an astronomy club a few years ago. It was fulfilling for a while. Then I got busy with work and things and lost interest in it. I took a year off from it, but I'm getting back into it this year!
  4. Thanks! Sometimes it really is hard and uncomfortable. I just tell myself that I need to expose myself to it to face my fears like that therapy says to do. At the worst points I get a disassociated feeling though. It's like I'm not there and I immediately forget the experience and names of people and things said in conversations.
  5. Glad to see your positive side! But I feel it's sometimes healthy and productive to get the darkness out and express it (without hurting anyone or yourself). You seem very self aware and very eloquent and poetic. Reading your posts at times is like nihilistic poetry or lyrics to a black metal song lol.🤘 I can dig it. You've expressed emotions that I've felt sometimes but were not able to put into words. I hope you can can harness your passion and energy to focus on the good. I feel your free will and determination can unbind you from the suffering you endure. 🙂
  6. I can relate to much of what you say. The questioning, the defiance, the frustration, the nihilism. Feeling trapped and tested by the forces that be. It's funny that I've cursed a god that I dont believe exists. I've been studying and practicing a secular buddhism and meditation for 4 years now. Its helped me accept the trauma and suffering that inevitably comes in life. It's still hard work. It's no magic pill. (Not trying to proselytize!) I like your car analogy. I'm new here. Others here will soon respond with hopeful messages. Just wanted to acknowledge you with a response. Hope you can find peace soon!
  7. I know. It's hard for some of us. There seems to be people out there with no worries. We should form our own clique lol. I hope it gets better for you. Hang in there!
  8. Freeze warning tonight. It has been cloudy, rainy, and cold for a couple months here in Louisiana. I'm so tired of it. 🙁
  9. I feel you. I see things that way too. But I know we dont know what else may be going on in their life that's not so good. So I try not judge, but it's hard and sometimes I get resentful, I'm ashamed to admit.
  10. They say fake it til you make it but I'm frustrated because I feel no progress. It's hard for me to connect deeply with people and make friends. I dont let my guard down. I try to talk with people but it tends to be superficial small talk usually. I'm afraid of rocking the boat. Everybody thinks of me as nice, but probably not interesting. I cant keep up the pace of conversations with more than one person. I think too slow and ruminate over my answers too long and my speech comes off as awkward many times. And when you add loud music to the equation I'm totally helpless because I can't hear very well. And I'm slow on picking up social cues so sometimes I say stupid or obvious things. I feel shame for being an introvert. My girlfriend is super extraverted. She is a blessing in my life. My social life is 90 percent through her. Shes taken me on trips, fancy places, introduced me to tons of people and many great experiences. She says she doesn't mind my introversion, but my codependency on her is starting to bother me because I dont want to become a drag on her. She has so many friends and can talk to anyone and make them love her. I've only connected with a guy shes worked with (he was slightly introverted as well). And he moved away a month ago. I've been opening up and sharing this with her lately so I can explain why I've been quiet and kinda somber lately. But I dont want to burden her and bring down her spirits with my serious problems. I cant put this on her. I've been this way my whole life. So I'm starting to wonder if I'm trying to be someone I'm not and causing myself unnecessary suffering. I wish I could be alone and content but I get really lonely. I dont need or want too many friends. But I need someone to talk to. And I want to be able to speak with strangers and acquaintances confidently. But at the moment I have no energy to keep up the front. Forcing a smile now is a chore and I'm feeling resentful that I feel I have to do it. I'll make no friends in this condition. I just want to commiserate. Sorry if this is too long a ramble. I tried to say it clearly and left out a lot of other tangents I could have went on for the sake of whoever is reading this. Haha
  11. Ice packs, ibuprofen, and an occasional cortisol shot when it gets really inflamed. I cant get rid of it because my job is very hands on (construction, carpentry, painting) so I have had to learn to live with it.
  12. It helped cure the constant and intense butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling I had after my divorce. It helped the meditation I took up as well. In my case it cut out the lows, but it also cut the highs as well. It became clear to me one beautiful nice sunny Spring day that I felt almost nothing for it. Nice days would be refreshing and energizing before. At some point I craved a little bit of the butterflies back to give me energy and excitement. I weaned myself off after a year.
  13. Geez, that's another thing. It's been cold and rainy for like 2 months. That's getting to me. You mention tendonitis, in my years of workaholism and keeping myself busy I have developed chronic tendonitis in my elbows and wrists. Thanks for asking.
  14. Thanks! It will be nice to talk to others that understand.
  15. I just found this site a week ago . Hope I can get something from here. I'm reluctant to post after reading some others posts here that sound very intense. I'm thinking they have it much harder than me (who am I to complain). But I still feel what I feel. I'm male 43 with kids. Divorced. Lifelong social anxiety and depression. OCD. I've found ways to cope and mask my issues to get through life. Alcohol, porn, stimulants, and becoming a workaholic. After about a 6 month period of intense work, staying busy with kids, and other busyness I use to keep me from thinking too much I decided I needed a well-deserved break. I sat around the house and got extremely depressed. I had nothing to do. No close friends. No interest in any of the hobbies that I occasionally get into and obsess about. Just feeling bad about people in general. I want to be part of a family, group, or "clique" of some sort. But I always find something negative with any group. I shy away from large groups anyway. I dont know where I fit in or where I belong.
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