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silverkit

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About silverkit

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  • Birthday February 1

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  1. Haha. I don't really know their music, I just see them on TV sometimes.
  2. Hi. I'm sorry you feel so alone. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for many years since I was a teenager and never felt I could confide in my family. My parents divorced as well, though my experience of it probably wasn't as bad as most people's. Your siblings sound troubled as well, each escaping into their own world (which I can also relate to). It's great you've managed to accomplish so much, honestly. With a big life change coming up, I think that for right now, you have to focus on yourself. I don't wonder that you feel down about your family, and you'll have to deal with your feelings about them at some point and decide what role you want to play in their lives. But I'll just say that if you feel that you need their lives to get sorted out before you can move ahead with your own, that will keep you stuck. I myself have wasted so many years on the thought that if if I went off and thrived apart from my family, I would be evil/ungrateful/heartless. And none of those things need to be true. As I've gotten older I've also realised that with all my anxiety and depression problems, I was always too exhausted to be of much use to my family. And it is a bitter experience to feel powerless to help someone else in pain. So in a nutshell, help yourself first - find sources of support outside your family - and then you can be the stabilising influence for your siblings, if that's what you want. This isn't the same as feeling personally responsible for their lives, because a lot of that will be out of your control. But you can at least try to do what your parents couldn't. I second the suggestion to get therapy, or counseling of some sort. Ideally you can deal with the hurt your parents have caused you, feel it fully, and then move on instead of feeling stuck and hopeless. Meanwhile, maybe you could prep for your move so as to mitigate the stress that will be involved. Catch up on rest, organise your stuff, google fun activities or social groups (if that's your thing) in your new city, and set up regular online meetings with your friends to chat and catch up? And of course you can keep posting here. If you're having a crisis, there's almost certainly someone here who gets it. Here's my take on the question of meaning. I've spent a lot of time feeling really pessimistic about humanity. Very much so when I was in my teens and twenties, and even now in my late thirties. I've had to accept that if I try to single-handedly grapple with all the big and small miseries, and senseless cruelty that exists in the world, I will drown in it. Any single person would. Why do humans breed? Well, if you want my personal take on it, the breeding is going to happen regardless ๐Ÿ™‚ and then afterwards every person gets to grow up and either 1) coast through life, or 2) determine what is meaningful for them. It sounds like you're in the process of doing the second right now. As with all searches, it begins with the sense of what's wrong in your life, and feeling the lack of what you want. If you know what causes you pain, that also means you know that you desire the opposite in your life. I will say this, I think it's hard to try and determine what's meaningful solely by thinking through it. Because the kind of experiences that we live for are always the kind that are felt. And I think everyone has to be a kind of detective of their own life. You have an experience of wonder or happiness, that's a clue. You read something deeply fascinating in a book, that's another clue. You watch a video of someone living life in a way you hadn't thought of, and you feel a vicarious sense of freedom. All clues. But I wouldn't count on finding any 'pre-packaged' source of meaning, whether it's that one career, philosophy, or relationship. You find bits of meaning and then you piece them together into a life that's yours. I guess all this is to say that if you haven't figured out the meaning of your life yet, that's fine because it's a very big ask of someone just out of college. I'm sure there are some people out there who have it all figured out at that age, but trust me, they are unicorns, and even then they will almost surely encounter experiences that force them to take life detours like anyone else. This turned out really long. Hope some of it was helpful. And welcome!
  3. @AKB48 Thank you! Hey, I never met a famous girl band before ๐Ÿ˜›
  4. I think you've described the problem yourself.This sounds like just one of those awful, untrue thoughts that can run on repeat in your head when you're anxious. I've had similar thoughts sometimes - not that I was faking it, but that I didn't have any 'real' problems and I was just lazy, weak-willed, lacking character, blah blah blah. I eventually realised this was more about what I feared OTHER people thinking about me, than what I myself believed to be true. Because I have also had the opposite experience, which is that I'll have a particularly bad episode, and then I'll be like 'Nope. Definitely not imagining it ... this would leave anybody flattened out.' And I've had that experience enough now that I know the 'it's all imaginary' thoughts to be like every other anxious untrue thought that passes through my head. And when you can recognise that it's happening, it's a good thing. You will have thoughts like this, but you don't have to take them seriously. They're just what happens when you're anxious. Also I think it's the right thing to do, not to minimize your symptoms with your doc. One thing I regret with my own family is that I often kept silent about how awful I was feeling and how much I struggled with even little things - partly because I didn't want to seem 'whiny', partly because I didn't understand how unusual my symptoms were, and partly because my family isn't equipped to deal with emotional issues. But I know now that this actually led to exactly what I didn't want - that people tended not to believe that I was really struggling when I really, really was.
  5. One more post to add that your metaphor made me laugh. If I had the presence of mind to see when I'm standing in that particular buffet, well. There would be trays flying everywhere ๐Ÿ˜‰
  6. Late afternoon sun. I feel kind of old saying that, but seriously, it is such a pleasure to sit in a patch of sun that's just hot enough to be pleasant and you don't worry about getting burned. I'm grateful for the pleasure all kinds of music gives me. I'm grateful that I can cook. Not well, but I can. I'm also grateful that I'm too tired to be that much of a perfectionist anymore. I'm grateful that I have a sense of humour and I'm not as emotionally frozen as I was when I was in my teens and early twenties. And I'm not as angry as I was in my late twenties and most of my thirties. I'm still pretty angry, but I think it's a more useful kind of anger now.
  7. @Atra, thank you for the welcome! Sorry I didn't see the reply until now. I assume replies appear in the notifications but I don't recall seeing one. Thank you for the offer of support. I think being on these forums is doing me good. A lot of what I read here feels very familiar and it reminds me that I've actually come a long way. I've been having a poor couple of weeks and yet as I've said before, I've lived through much worse. I think what I'm mainly struggling with is that it's bringing back a lot of bad memories. There's the inevitable fear that 'it' will all come back. I feel like I've spent most of my life digging out a tunnel with a spoon (like in the Count of Monte Cristo) and I really don't want to feel like I am going backwards. I've been actually feeling slightly better every day since I made that initial post, though. So that's good ๐Ÿ™‚
  8. Hi! I'm pretty new too. Nice to meet you as well. A cat and a tarantula? I admit I'm curious. Do they interact??
  9. Yeah, anxiety and depression can often be exhausting. And you sound pretty burnt-out. What you're describing - the depletion, brain fog, feeling of a blood sugar crash - all sound really familiar to me. I'm sorry, I know how awful it can feel. And anxiety often produce symptoms that make you worry more. It's just a negative feedback loop. While seeing a doctor is a good idea, it sounds like you have plenty of 'life stuff' to explain how rotten you're feeling about anyway. Do you have someone you can talk to regularly about all that? And just about whatever you're worrying about? Feeling like you have to handle everything on your own can often amplify whatever stress you're going through (which is also something I know the feeling of and have utmost empathy for.). And we often underestimate the simple power of a good conversation with someone who knows how to listen. If you can and you haven't already, can you get therapy or counseling? Or a friend you can rely on to just listen, not judge, not minimise, and not try to make you wrong? Also you can always come here and tell us. However stressed you're feeling, you can share it here. As far as anxiety-related burnout is concerned, the one few things I always go back to are these basics: high-quality sleep and enough of it, breathing exercises or meditation, exercise, foods that stabilise blood sugar (less carbs, more fibre/protein/healthy fat), and whatever vitamins you need. I never skip my vitamin D and iron and lately I've started taking magnesium. I've also taken an adrenal support supplement with adaptogens by Gaia Herbs, which I buy on iHerb. That one really helps smooth out day-to-day anxiety. It sounds like you're trying a few different things already, so ignore that if this is all old news to you.
  10. Wow. I'm so sorry about your bad year. It's great you're going to be taking time off. I love Remove's suggestion of going out and visiting museums, cooking new things. Having little adventures like that, without pressure. Spark new ideas. Read some good books, explore subjects you find interesting but haven't had the time to before. ๐Ÿ™‚ Like you, I also find socializing difficult. It's less on the internet, but still there. I do some online gaming as well, though I find myself playing solo a lot even then ๐Ÿ˜› The only suggestion I would add is one I think should be prescribed for everyone: catch up on any sleep you're missing!
  11. I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping. I hate not being able to sleep - my mood plummets, I get more anxious. At the same time, I've had sleep problems all my life. So I've picked up quite a few sleep hacks over the years. - Give yourself a long wind-down period before bed. like spend half an hour lying down listening to music, read something boring, listen to something non-stressful, before you sleep. Don't watch loud movies, play action video games, watch the news, or argue with people online ๐Ÿ˜› You get the idea. Oh, and don't fall asleep with the TV/radio on. I used to do that, but it disturbs your sleep. - If possible, have warm orange lights on in the evening. I like to use these inexpensive LED candles I bought from Ikea. They run on battery and have a nice low light, like candles. - If you're on your phone before bed, use the automatic night mode setting. - Don't exercise right before bed, but stretching is really great if it's not too vigorous though. Stretch out any tense muscles. - Hot shower before bed (but not immediately before) - Do deep breathing exercises. it can be as simple as breathing in for 4 counts, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, repeat. - A hot drink, like Maeple suggested. Hot cocoa, warm milk, or even just a cup of hot water. Hope some of this helps.
  12. Yeah, I get that. When most of your energy is taken up by 'normal life' and you don't have much left over to try anything too big and new. I have also been on the thing where my sleep schedule is out of alignment with everyone else's, and it sucks. Still, you have some useful info to go on. One more clue on your trail of crumbs, to save for later. ๐Ÿ™‚
  13. I watched 'Brooklyn' last week. I expected something with more drama, but I actually really enjoyed it.
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