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Everything posted by George11211

  1. Epictetus, thank you. I can tell YOU are an incredible human yourself. I can really feel that you care. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Stay safe
  2. I don’t remember how long it’s been. I’ve been really really struggling lately and have been closer to suicide then ever before in my life. It’s so hard. I want to end it but I just can’t do that to my mom and dad. They’re the only ppl who care about me but they care A LOT. My sister who has autism just... despises me. Every single time I go downstairs to where she usually is she says ‘go away George.’ She gets upset and starts feeling sick from my presence. I don’t know I guess I have a bad energy. I am nice to every person I meet, maybe too nice. I fail at everything in life. I think most ppl that know me try to love me out of obligation but in their mind I’m some hideously awful monster. I don’t know who will read this and who will care, but I’m in a lot of trouble. I’m in so much pain it’s impossible to describe. Everything in my life is a train wreck. It’s like when you’re mangled in a car wreck and you’re in too much pain to move or talk, this is literally that, my life for years and years. In spite of church, exercise, therapy and all sorts of other things the pain doesn’t go away. All my life I’ve had a knife in my chest. I just charred my elbow. The physical pain from the flame relieves the mental pain I feel all the time. I just don’t think there is any hope for me. I feel just like a dying animal. Sometimes it’s just better to put the poor creature down then let it continue to suffer once symptoms have gotten severe enough. I am dying more and more inside and I feel like God is pointing down and saying, ‘ well I told you so’
  3. I’m glad. I’m doing a little better myself. Cheers everyone
  4. soberforlife, has hope you’re feeling better. Sorry for the delayed replies. It won’t show my reaction for some reason.
  5. sober for life. Please don’t harm yourself.
  6. Sober for life: I’m so sorry I honestly want to die right now too. I feel so dead already and lifeless. No joy in my life. None. Just sadness, fear and feeling like crap all the time.
  7. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, say or act nobody acknowledges the good. People only seem to notice the bad things about me. I try to do good things and ppl claim it’s for ‘attention’ I crack a joke and nobody bats an eye but some other guy tells an even worse joke and everyone wets themselves. I’m really getting sick of being a ‘bad air’ to most people instead of valued as a human being. That’s why I don’t have much self respect because if nobody will even give me the time of day why should I believe I’m worth anything? I haven’t been here in a bit because I was locked out of my account for a few weeks. I hope everyone on this forum is doing well today. Thanks for the support
  8. Hello everyone. I hope everyone is fine or doing well. I’m.. not doing ok. I haven’t come in here to tell you I’m ending myself. I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I mean really struggling. I will admit that I’ve felt like ending it a lot more recently. I got some heart wrenching news. I can’t disclose details but I am devastated. On top of that I’d say ninety percent of things in life never go well. Today has been particularly crappy, a waking nightmare. I’m just tired of having so many really hard crappy days. I did something really stupid the other day. I mean I am so broken inside and I didn’t know what else I should do so I burned myself on my right knuckle. I torched it and ended up taking layers of skin off. Nasty I know. I’m sorry I had to share that because I was really having a bad time. I feel so dead inside compared to what I used to and I’m just such a mess. I’m actually balling right now and I don’t cry much ever. I don’t feel the same and life keeps spraying shit on me. I’m frankly beyond sick of it. I’ve been pondering the true value of my life for a few weeks wondering, if it’s be better for me and everyone around me if I cs. Because living like this is NOT living at all. This is dying. This isn’t living this is dying slowly. I’ve been to many therapists and tried so many things. Nothing seems to work for me. My whole life has began to feel and seem surreal because I just can’t believe the things happening to me.
  9. My brother just got home from a 2 year drug rehab. He changed and hearing about it while he was away was mind blowing how much his character and work ethic changed. However just this first day he’s been back some major red flags have shot up. I have no idea what is going on. He’s been giving me a bad vibe and I’ve gotten almost entirely cold shoulder. And he had been making smart ass remarks to a lot of things I say. Never laughs, never smiles and there’s NO enthusiasm. And he’s been home just since last night. At the program he seemed a lot happier. He was thriving for the first thirty minutes he was here but he’s just been so off. He was actually going to be released in June but decided to come home now. And when he left, the supervisors had NO idea he was even checking out and had to explain that to them and my dad. He still talks about drugs. The first things he wanted to do was go get cigarettes. Listen I’m sorry for barfing my family problems on here but this is just very sad to me. We used to be best friends and very open with each other.
  10. Thanks for the replies and support. And hendrecksbrock I’m sorry to hear about your mother. I can’t imagine how hard that would be. Good luck.
  11. Sorry for swearing. I literally can’t believe the cesspool of shit my life has become. Anxiety and depression, all my personal problems. Then there’s the fear of this covid-19. And then my cars brakes decided to take a big shit. Guess how much that’s going to cost me? $400? $500? Nope $750. I can’t get any of my needed meds here because of the disease nobody else’s needs are taken very seriously. Don’t get me wrong I feel for those and their families who have had contact. But I’m seeing lots of people struggle with medical needs more so and it’s been worsened for them. My plantar fasciitis returned after nine months. And I don’t even do much. So much for getting back into running and wanting to be somewhat healthy and ok. Oh and I almost forgot! My parents resurrected the idea to move out of state! After that idea dropped and we were in the clear guess what were moving! Honestly how the hell does this thing called life get any worse? Edit: I thought my 2019 was bad. I’d give anything to have last year back. The badness was a joke. 2019 was probably the last year with any kind of ‘normalcy’ in it. Each month gets worse. Each week my quality of life ghettos more then the last. Stay safe out there everyone. Thanks for the support.
  12. Hey everyone checking in. I really appreciate the help, love and support. God bless.
  13. I’m the most miserable pathetic human being that has ever lived. Nothing ever goes ok for me. I live to survive each day and fear the next. I greatly fear the future. I feel like my parents and family don’t really know who I am. Im stuck living with my parents because I have no money. It’s too complicated to go into right now. Boy if I could get my own place I would. Even a trailer. something big is coming in my life. I don’t know what it is. I have been wishing I had the last push to end my life. At this point I feel critically close to where anything that causes me any more pain to my mountain of crippling misery I could act irrationally and end myself. I know I’d never hurt another person but myself. I’ve been in this critical point for a long time. I think I can say without a doubt that the whole last year has been a near death experience for me. Just trying to stay rational enough to not do it each day. let me emphasize that I DO NOT want to die and this is something I take very seriously but the pain I get is so intense I don’t want to suffer anymore. All my life and goals and everything I have worked on or stood for has led to nothing but dead ends, failure, contempt from the family, and eventually contempt from myself. I do have several plans for how I might end it. Thanks to everyone here for your support and patience. May God bless you all
  14. It’s been some of the coldest it’s been this last week. Lots of snow. Got snowed in. It’s been around 20 degrees and around 15 at night. We had a big snow storm like this in October and it got really cold, great way to introduce winter, 20s in October with 8 inches of snow. its going to warm up where I am, up to around 50 and sunshine. Pre-spring, finally! every year in February we have what we call pre spring where it warms up for a week or two
  15. Everyone has something good for them. Talent, respect, money, work ethic. I’ve got NOTHING. this has been what’s making me depressed so many years. Being a nobody and having nothing. I was the loser in school, the awkward guy in the background at parties and at work. I have no money because I’ve been hit with so many financial atrocities. I have no talent in any areas of my life and can’t relate to anyone. You best believe I’ve never had a relationship, sex, etc. it keeps getting worse for me and the ones I love. I just feel like a shoe mat for the universe and a garbage can for the world to dump its problems into. Good doesn’t become of people like me. Sadly not everyone’s ending is happy. Lots of people have their success stories but I think I’m a lost cause. I think I have to accept the fact that I’m just going to wither away and die in a tragic manner.
  16. God loves you so much the way you are. But he loves you far too much to leave you that way. I'm not sure who's quote that was but that hit me in church one day and its helped me so much in my hard life. Life is a test and we have our agency and with that comes whatever consequences. God can't take our agency away and with that neither can he take the consequences. He weeps with us and doesn't enjoy watching us suffer in the smallest way imaginable. Even those who inherently deserve it from their actions God does not like watching them suffer. He loves us perfectly and is perfect. These are my beliefs. I used to think it was my grand mission in life to save everyone and watch over everyone. But now its been dawning on me over time that I need to let people save me and thats part of the purpose, in order to help yourself you need to help others and vise versa. George
  17. I know this is a very old post but it stood out to me. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with your experiences with people. I can relate. I know how it is to be shamed for who you are. It happens to everybody. For a long time I've been implied to as just plain wrong, period. I'm a dumb sub human who's opinion doesn't matter. I'm just a tall, awkward frail man who everyone is allowed to push around and make fun of. I haven't fully wrapped my head around this yet but its finally starting to dawn on me that people really do see what they don't like about themselves, in you. Your eyes and ears receive information from what's in front of you and your brain has a chance to internalize it. You don't have to receive other people's crap. YOu have the power to prohibit their nasty opinion from entering your mind. They must not like themselves anyway if they're treating a complete stranger like that. Also, hurt people hurt people. This is easier said then done and its hard to really internalize it when you're in pain but remember this and remember if someone is that cruel then they're not worth a breath of your time anyway.
  18. I'm sorry to hear this. Insomnia sucks. I have to take a lot of powerful herbs in order to be able to sleep and even then sometimes I can't. There are great herbal remedies that are safe that help you sleep but be sure to research any side effects or ill effects with other medications, etc. The other night I was too tired to sleep. I didn't think it was possible but I laid down and fell asleep for a minute at a time and kept waking up, feeling weird, almost as if I'd been paralyzed. Then my whole body got restless and I couldn't stop moving and when I fell asleep I'd wake up feeling panicked and claustrophobic. Not a good night. Too tired to even want to watch tv but I couldn't stay asleep. I don't know what was going on that night. Magnesium, kava, lavender, etc are good mild medicines for sleep. Also, cherry tart extract promotes meletonin but it takes that one a few weeks to work.
  19. First, off hello everyone. I haven't been here in awhile. This year has been an ongoing conveyer belt of problems and bullshit. When one thing gets resolved another cluster of problems falls into my lap. Is it just me or does bad always come after good? For instance, you have a really great year and every thing falls into place, and then the next year the universe says, '**** you,' and throws an earthquake into your personal life that just ruins everything? Its almost like a big sick April fools joke. Life is great for awhile and then it gets so much harder later. Its just like telling someone they won the million dollar lottery and then the next day, after its really set in, after they've gotten a chance to really digest and process what's happened, you tell them it was a joke and then take it all back, plus give them a bill for the 'joke.' That's exactly whats happening in my life constantly. Life gives me something, then takes it away and then takes something else from me as well. Hence why I have actually been getting depressed when 'good' things happen to me, because it doesn't seem real anymore... I don't know how this ended up in the wrong category. My computer is glitchy so its hard to get it to work right in this forum. Sorry for any mistakes.
  20. Side effects of anxiety medications can cause as much anxiety as they're supposed to treat. I won't say what I'm on but here are my side effects, very, very dry skin, low libido, weight loss, appetite loss, etc. Sometimes appetite loss is good for me though because I love to eat too much.
  21. Hey all just checking back in. Its been a while, almost two months. Things have gotten better for me. I've found that I really don't need more then 5 hours a night so theres no point in fighting for more. I've noticed if I sleep more then 6 hours in a night I feel really tired the next day, like I've overslept. That's good and well because I don't much like sleeping. My health has improved. I'm not tired all the time anymore and I don't feel like I"ve gotten hit by a train. Man those were hard days. LIfe isn't easy by any means but it feels good to get my head above the water for once and catch my breath.
  22. Sorry I’m late getting back. Thanks a million for all your support. Seriously every one has been hugely helpful. I’m doing better now and will try to keep it that way. I hope all of you have a great day!
  23. Well here goes. It’s 5:00 in the morning and I slept maybe an hour and a half at most. I’m super agitated and the last goddamn thing I want is sleep but I know I desperately need it. I’m going to feel like utter shit today. Yay. I’m looking forward to it. Seriously after the hellish day I just endured now I’m going to be sleep deprived
  24. I woke up and felt great and had a pretty good morning. It'd been a great week and a good work day. Then I was slammed with pieces of bad life changing news. Hell has taken a heaping shit into my soul. My parents and I had a major fight and we'd been getting along for quite awhile except a few little differences along the way and I guess one major fight. My best friend and I had a fight and he punched me in the nose and said he swore he never wanted to see me again, due to some stupid petty crap. I had an utterly humiliating experience out in public that will probably scar me forever to be honest. and to top it all off, later I got slammed with pieces of bad news that will drastically change my life. I don't cry much and I'm a 26 year old man. I usually can have it together somewhat. I'm crying right now. I'm just in utter ruins. How could such a great time turn so badly? I feel like such a terrible person because life never cuts me a ****ing break. I honestly do not know how much more of this drastic changing I can take before I ******. Maybe all hope needs to fade for me to finally do it and stop going through the vicious cycles of false joy and torment. I mean I am dismantled and in pieces right now. I finally figured out how I can feel better physically but that doesn't matter now. I have nobody else to turn to but the forum. Nobody else gives a crap. Nobody else understands. I wish people would leave me alone and let me live my life and quit being so judgmental. I've been off my normal meds for about a week, or eight days, to take a little break to enhance the effectiveness. Things were fine until life blew up in my face like dynamite. I don't want to take my meds. I need a bottle of ever clear or the strongest whisky I can find. Sorry to be blatant but I'm just really fed up right now. Please I am reaching out. I need somebody to talk to me.
  25. The life-giving blood of your soul and self-worth. Its what drives us every day, what keeps us alive mentally/emotionally/spiritually. It takes a much deeper meaning then pride.
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