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About George11211

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    Junior Member

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Northwest Mountains
  • Interests
    I'm an outdoors guy. I love to hike, camp, fish and I love to run

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  1. Side effects of anxiety medications can cause as much anxiety as they're supposed to treat. I won't say what I'm on but here are my side effects, very, very dry skin, low libido, weight loss, appetite loss, etc. Sometimes appetite loss is good for me though because I love to eat too much.
  2. Hey all just checking back in. Its been a while, almost two months. Things have gotten better for me. I've found that I really don't need more then 5 hours a night so theres no point in fighting for more. I've noticed if I sleep more then 6 hours in a night I feel really tired the next day, like I've overslept. That's good and well because I don't much like sleeping. My health has improved. I'm not tired all the time anymore and I don't feel like I"ve gotten hit by a train. Man those were hard days. LIfe isn't easy by any means but it feels good to get my head above the water for once and catch my breath.
  3. Sorry I’m late getting back. Thanks a million for all your support. Seriously every one has been hugely helpful. I’m doing better now and will try to keep it that way. I hope all of you have a great day!
  4. Well here goes. It’s 5:00 in the morning and I slept maybe an hour and a half at most. I’m super agitated and the last goddamn thing I want is sleep but I know I desperately need it. I’m going to feel like utter shit today. Yay. I’m looking forward to it. Seriously after the hellish day I just endured now I’m going to be sleep deprived
  5. I woke up and felt great and had a pretty good morning. It'd been a great week and a good work day. Then I was slammed with pieces of bad life changing news. Hell has taken a heaping shit into my soul. My parents and I had a major fight and we'd been getting along for quite awhile except a few little differences along the way and I guess one major fight. My best friend and I had a fight and he punched me in the nose and said he swore he never wanted to see me again, due to some stupid petty crap. I had an utterly humiliating experience out in public that will probably scar me forever to be honest. and to top it all off, later I got slammed with pieces of bad news that will drastically change my life. I don't cry much and I'm a 26 year old man. I usually can have it together somewhat. I'm crying right now. I'm just in utter ruins. How could such a great time turn so badly? I feel like such a terrible person because life never cuts me a ****ing break. I honestly do not know how much more of this drastic changing I can take before I ******. Maybe all hope needs to fade for me to finally do it and stop going through the vicious cycles of false joy and torment. I mean I am dismantled and in pieces right now. I finally figured out how I can feel better physically but that doesn't matter now. I have nobody else to turn to but the forum. Nobody else gives a crap. Nobody else understands. I wish people would leave me alone and let me live my life and quit being so judgmental. I've been off my normal meds for about a week, or eight days, to take a little break to enhance the effectiveness. Things were fine until life blew up in my face like dynamite. I don't want to take my meds. I need a bottle of ever clear or the strongest whisky I can find. Sorry to be blatant but I'm just really fed up right now. Please I am reaching out. I need somebody to talk to me.
  6. The life-giving blood of your soul and self-worth. Its what drives us every day, what keeps us alive mentally/emotionally/spiritually. It takes a much deeper meaning then pride.
  7. Man I wake up like this every day. Today it was bad especially. I think its a side effect of one of my medications but I'm trying to figure things out. I have to peel my body out of bed every morning. Coffee gets me through the first 1-2 hours of my day. Then I feel very tired again. Its that kind of serious tired where you know you can't get anything done with no amount of caffeine or willpower. Usually by evening, after eating a few meals throughout the day I feel OK. Then at night the games begin. Try to fall asleep, dead tired but keep waking up and don't actually fall asleep for good until around 4-6 AM and wake up shattered around 10:30-11 every morning. The other afternoon I sunk into a deep bout of lethargic depression. It took a lot for me to go on a walk, let alone run, like I normally try to. Running usually helps me feel much better after, but its hard for me to get myself to do it. I'm a long time runner but I'm not competitive or anything. Been trying different vitamin supplements, healthier foods, less coffee, but nothing seems to help with my exhaustion. I've had bouts like this before and got over it. I'm usually pretty strong willed inside and its always my mind having to conquer the body. Lately that just hasn't been the case.
  8. Thanks everyone. I'm doing a little better now. I'm trying to give you all thanks or likes but of course, my stupid mac keeps glitching and doing dumb and weird things. Sometimes I swear they built these things to make them do this kind of crap on purpose just to get on your nerves. I feel so, so crappy physically too. I can barely get anything done. My body just wants to sleep. I have weak supple muscles that stiffen when I try to run. I haven't felt truly good in a long time, physically speaking. I feel like I've fallen off a cliff. Interacting with people is so hard and takes a lot of energy. I find myself ignoring phone calls because its just a lot. I miss the days when I could just go out for a run without warming up, hike, and when I was made of rubber.
  9. Thanks everyone. I'm doing a little better now. I'm trying to give you all thanks or likes but of course, my stupid mac keeps glitching and doing dumb and weird things. Sometimes I swear they built these things to make them do this kind of crap on purpose just to get on your nerves.
  10. I haven't been here in awhile. My life is a hell. Nothing ever goes right for me. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me. I'm tired of hearing my sister saying she wants me to go away. I'm tired of people gossiping about me when I'm not there. I'm sick of never feeling welcome every time I walk into a public place, a room, or even a parking lot. I'm tired of my parents judging me all the time. I'm sick of people ignoring me. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time, in spite of eating healthy and doing the right thing. I'm sick of being everyone's least favorite person, or that person that its a chore to talk to. For one I think I might have something physically wrong with me. I feel very very tired and rundown all the time. It feels like I got hit and run over by a semi truck. Tired, weak achy muscles, always famished, a little confused, skin rash, etc, unable to think straight. For another, a lot of little tiny things in life never going right and making my life much harder and more complex. Enough little petty annoyances really start to get to you over time. Every moment of every day something is trying to piss me off. For instance, I open a can of food but somehow it falls out of my hand and spills all over the place, or I walk up the stairs and I pull my knee and it hurts like hell after. Things like that. I really don't know how much more I can take. I feel like my life is just meant to be torment and misery. I'm sick of people not understanding me and I sick of feeling like I can't ever do anything right. Everything in my life seems to have a negative consequence to it so as a result I've become increasingly paranoid. I over think everything. I know I need sleep desperately because I haven't gotten more then maybe 3 hours a night for the last six to eight months. I can't though. I keep waking up or I can't fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. I'm afraid to open up to people because I'm afraid I'll just annoy them. Above all, I'm tired of feeling like no matter what I do its never good enough for anybody. Thanks for reading and take care everyone
  11. Reading your post makes my heart ache. I definitely know your pain. Thanks for your heartwarming reply. I am completely isolated. I work from home because I can stand working with most ppl and they couldn’t stand me. I’m just wired differently and it’s not my fault. I’m so grateful for the freedom to be isolated. I have my family and that’s all I need. Everyone else ends up mad at me for something I can’t control. Kudos for your volunteer work. Im sorry about all your struggles and hardships. I hope it gets better for you. I mean that. People like you and me deserve better. Hang in there and message me if you need to talk. Take care friend
  12. Every day is a battle for survival, every hour. I think I'm going to die soon. I feel like such a terrible person that I don't give much of a shit when other people think that way about me anymore. I have a lot of health problems and I can't go to the hospital because I can't afford it. I've been dismantled from the inside out. I think I may have a very complicated mental illness that's not just depression. It could be related to my physical he health. I don't really see any reason in my life to be this depressed or nonfunctional, other then a lot of little things. I've tried to correct my thinking, change my diet, lifestyle, religious point of view and no matter what its like I'm programmed to think this way, the way a calculator is programmed to add, subtract, etc. I take everything so harshly and wrong. I feel like I'm being watched and judged constantly. I find myself constantly berating myself in my mind without really knowing it. I'm terrified of accepting and embracing religion. I love my family but there's still a distance its not nearly as easy to just 'talk' to them as it used to be. Every time something fatally wrong goes in my life it nearly brings me to suicide, right when I'm about to do it then it goes away and I'm temporarily left to catch my breath and rest for a few seconds only to have something else tragic or extremely inconvenient pop up. There's a lot of big things but also a lot of little things, unessesary stress, nothing ever going right or being easy, simple. I'm expected to help others but how can I do that if I can't even help myself? How can I help myself if I don't fully understand what's really going on? I really hate to say it but I'd rather die free the way I am now then go to the doctor to be put on a bunch of weird meds, restrictions and be told more what's wrong with me as if I don't already have enough. I haven't gotten more then 4 hours of sleep in a single night for a long, long time. I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I just want to be given another chance. I want to be given another chance at a normal life but its too late. Its always too late when I find out and want to change. I don't want to die but sometimes I see no other way out. I know my family would be devastated and that's the only thing keeping the last string from breaking. If it weren't for them I don't know where I'd be. I'd probably be much worse off that's for sure. Thanks for your time and for reading if you've made it all the way through.
  13. I see myself moving out very soon because I don't want to live somewhere where I feel threatened in any way, be it emotionally. The only place I feel truly safe now is my room. I get smart-alec remarks from strangers, glares, stares etc and I feel like I'm a burden to my parents and sister. All my other siblings moved out and are married. I'm the loser who's never even had a kiss, much less a girlfriend or relationship or any real friends. I'm thinking of buying myself a trailer and getting out of dodge and never speaking to anyone again. I'm tired of feeling unwanted everywhere I go. I've been battling suicidal thoughts for years and when I'm rational it scares me. I'd never hurt anyone else, ever. But the likelihood of hurting myself gets high sometimes. I couldn't go to this family play tonight because my sister says, 'no George.' She's also saying things like, 'George go take a nap.' ,'George go to work.' etc. I just have no idea why she'd hate me so much. Now I do because I screamed at her but before there was no reason because I'm always so, so caring and kind to her. I'm never bossy and I am never, ever forceful. I just don't understand. I don't pray much because I truly feel like God will ignore me or punish me. I'm christian. I feel like if my sister hates me then maybe God is disappointed in me, the way everyone else is. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not panned out for this world. I'm like an old worn out running shoe. Nothing drastic but I've taken lots of repeated pounding on concrete, rocks, and I'm completely worn down and I have no grip left and I don't see it getting better. I've always been implied that I'm worthless, stupid, a slob, a creep, a nobody, and that my feelings don't matter and that nothing I do will be enough. I'm the only person in the universe left who loves me. Everyone else is wanting to get something out of me or for me to get the **** out of their life.
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