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George11211

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About George11211

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Northwest Mountains
  • Interests
    I'm an outdoors guy. I love to hike, camp, fish and I love to run

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  1. Reading your post makes my heart ache. I definitely know your pain. Thanks for your heartwarming reply. I am completely isolated. I work from home because I can stand working with most ppl and they couldn’t stand me. I’m just wired differently and it’s not my fault. I’m so grateful for the freedom to be isolated. I have my family and that’s all I need. Everyone else ends up mad at me for something I can’t control. Kudos for your volunteer work. Im sorry about all your struggles and hardships. I hope it gets better for you. I mean that. People like you and me deserve better. Hang in there and message me if you need to talk. Take care friend
  2. Every day is a battle for survival, every hour. I think I'm going to die soon. I feel like such a terrible person that I don't give much of a shit when other people think that way about me anymore. I have a lot of health problems and I can't go to the hospital because I can't afford it. I've been dismantled from the inside out. I think I may have a very complicated mental illness that's not just depression. It could be related to my physical he health. I don't really see any reason in my life to be this depressed or nonfunctional, other then a lot of little things. I've tried to correct my thinking, change my diet, lifestyle, religious point of view and no matter what its like I'm programmed to think this way, the way a calculator is programmed to add, subtract, etc. I take everything so harshly and wrong. I feel like I'm being watched and judged constantly. I find myself constantly berating myself in my mind without really knowing it. I'm terrified of accepting and embracing religion. I love my family but there's still a distance its not nearly as easy to just 'talk' to them as it used to be. Every time something fatally wrong goes in my life it nearly brings me to suicide, right when I'm about to do it then it goes away and I'm temporarily left to catch my breath and rest for a few seconds only to have something else tragic or extremely inconvenient pop up. There's a lot of big things but also a lot of little things, unessesary stress, nothing ever going right or being easy, simple. I'm expected to help others but how can I do that if I can't even help myself? How can I help myself if I don't fully understand what's really going on? I really hate to say it but I'd rather die free the way I am now then go to the doctor to be put on a bunch of weird meds, restrictions and be told more what's wrong with me as if I don't already have enough. I haven't gotten more then 4 hours of sleep in a single night for a long, long time. I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I just want to be given another chance. I want to be given another chance at a normal life but its too late. Its always too late when I find out and want to change. I don't want to die but sometimes I see no other way out. I know my family would be devastated and that's the only thing keeping the last string from breaking. If it weren't for them I don't know where I'd be. I'd probably be much worse off that's for sure. Thanks for your time and for reading if you've made it all the way through.
  3. I see myself moving out very soon because I don't want to live somewhere where I feel threatened in any way, be it emotionally. The only place I feel truly safe now is my room. I get smart-alec remarks from strangers, glares, stares etc and I feel like I'm a burden to my parents and sister. All my other siblings moved out and are married. I'm the loser who's never even had a kiss, much less a girlfriend or relationship or any real friends. I'm thinking of buying myself a trailer and getting out of dodge and never speaking to anyone again. I'm tired of feeling unwanted everywhere I go. I've been battling suicidal thoughts for years and when I'm rational it scares me. I'd never hurt anyone else, ever. But the likelihood of hurting myself gets high sometimes. I couldn't go to this family play tonight because my sister says, 'no George.' She's also saying things like, 'George go take a nap.' ,'George go to work.' etc. I just have no idea why she'd hate me so much. Now I do because I screamed at her but before there was no reason because I'm always so, so caring and kind to her. I'm never bossy and I am never, ever forceful. I just don't understand. I don't pray much because I truly feel like God will ignore me or punish me. I'm christian. I feel like if my sister hates me then maybe God is disappointed in me, the way everyone else is. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not panned out for this world. I'm like an old worn out running shoe. Nothing drastic but I've taken lots of repeated pounding on concrete, rocks, and I'm completely worn down and I have no grip left and I don't see it getting better. I've always been implied that I'm worthless, stupid, a slob, a creep, a nobody, and that my feelings don't matter and that nothing I do will be enough. I'm the only person in the universe left who loves me. Everyone else is wanting to get something out of me or for me to get the **** out of their life.
  4. I'm sorry I was late getting back. I've honestly been too embarrassed. The situation has only gotten worse even though I apologized to her for screaming at her. It scared her and that was what really hurt me the most, how badly it scared her. I have a deep impending voice especially when I shout. She's still saying, 'Go to your room George,' or 'George move away,' 'Leave George.' I couldn't join my family for a play tonight because she didn't want me to come along. She just can't stand my presence right now for some reason and its really hard. I've been emotionally attacked outside my home a lot but now I don't even feel wanted and welcome in my own home. I don't know what I'll do. It tares me apart.
  5. My sister seems to hate me for absolutely no reason. I'm mid twenties and she's 21. She has severe autism and she can't speak more then a 3-4 word sentence. She's always saying, 'George go live somewhere else.' or 'Go away George.' Whenever its my turn to take care of her for the night she's always yelling 'No! No George!" Its really upsetting to me. I'm always very kind and caring towards her. I'm not comfortable around her anymore because I feel like she doesn't want me there. I'm afraid my parents will kick me out of the house because she doesn't want me around. This has been going on for months and I have no idea why. She'll get in the car with any of her other siblings but she won't even let me take her to get her a soda. Again this is really upsetting to me. Today I did something I shouldn't have. I yelled at her. I feel so terrible I'm crying right now and I normally don't. I screamed, 'WELL I LIVE HERE SO GET THE F*** OVER IT! STOP TELLING ME TO GO AWAY!!!!" Things like that. Now I feel like its hopeless. I've asked my parents why she might not want me around and they don't know either. She's gone through phases like this before. Once she was terrified of our grandma for a short phase and she'd scream every time she walked into the room but that only lasted a week or two. I was only like 6 at the time so I don't remember that very well. What can I do?
  6. I binge eat. I've been doing so for years. It usually happens because there's no other way for me to cope and I'm certain I'm short on dopamine so I eat probably six times the amount a human should eat in one day. It happens 1-2 a week.
  7. My day hasn't been to bad other then a sprained foot. How's everyone else doing?
  8. At the same time I'm always on my toes and never intend to let my guard down
  9. I feel so, so much better today I almost can't believe it. This has been a really rough winter, gotten sick a few times, severe, severe depression, suicidal thoughts loss of two pets, and moving states. I've gotten a few really big major pieces of good news that have turned things around. I'm feeling very peaceful, content and happy right now and its overwhelming because I haven't really felt this way in a long, long time. I'm not putting myself on a pedestal but I just wanted to let everyone know things are ok right now. Its like the peaceful spring after a long ice age of a winter, the calm after the hurricane, etc. I feel like a prisoner who's been let out of prison tasting freedom for the first time in 20 years.
  10. In elementary school I was always a happy enthusiastic kid. I didn't care what anyone thought until having a few mortifyingly embarrassing things happened. That didn't exactly start it. In junior high I had all kinds of hideous rumors passed around about me and got bullied, told I'm weird, ugly, nobody cares, etc. The teachers themselves were bullies too. By high school I was scarred. I didn't get it as bad in high school. I had a guidance councilor who was very caring at the time and was always willing to listen. Going into the adult world and getting jobs was hard. It was like junior high all over again. The bosses and supervisors bullied me. Other staff workers bullied and berated me and tried to get me fired all the time and every job at I got my reputation ruined just because I'm different. People would always make private jokes about me when I was around and I'd get singled out. Now I'm even more scarred then I was in high school. Former friends betrayed me, unfriended me on Facebook. A few months ago I said hi to my old high school guidance councilor, who was also my track and cross country coach, and he unfriended and blocked me and it was one of the only three times I talked to him since high school. He was always so nice but I guess true colors shown when he decided to block me. That really hurt my ability to trust others because he let me share some deep personal things with him. The girls always thought I was weird, gross, scary and a freak. The boys took my lunch, lunch money, put gum on my things, etc. I also get bullied at the gym and sadly by some of the old childhood bullies who still live in town. Some teenagers tried to throw basketballs at me when I was running. So Share your stories and experiences.
  11. I hope you can get through this and find joy and peace during this hard time. That sounds all sounds awful. If you're having suicidal thoughts that means you're really suffering. Our bodies are programmed for survival at all costs. Depression and any emotional crises can really wear and tare you down and apart. I hope you can get help and in the mean time feel loved from your fellow forum members. I'm grateful that I found this forum as its been the most supportive so far. I too am going through a very difficult time in my life with lots of different things, medication problems, 17 year old cat dying, moving, paralyzing social anxiety and already having a base of severe depression to start with before the plethora of events began. ITs like a midlife crisis, only in my twenties, a 1/4 crisis if you will. Don't sweat on getting a husband too soon. Take your time on that. Make sure you're happy first and do what's right for you. I understand what's like to be pushed so far you have suicidal thoughts. I honestly am afraid I don't trust myself much anymore because I'm already always a 9/10 on the stress level and an eight or a nine is the lowest I can go these days. Honestly its hard to believe but the best medications are natural, ones you don't buy. Be true to yourself and don't live for others. I don't mean be selfish but you owe yourself to be top on your priority list. Daily exercise helps me a lot. I think if we hang in there it'll pay off. I've been through some really tough years as a teenager too, I'm now 26, and I thought my life would never be the same. Things really got better for awhile and it was worth it. I try to enjoy the simplest things I can in life because at this point I have to, to survive. Hang in there it will get better eventually.
  12. I also hate artificial sweeteners. byuck
  13. I argue with myself but there's usually never two sides, its three, me myself and I.
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