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xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx

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  1. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from JD4010 in Has DF Helped You?   
    Maybe a little.
  2. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to OtherKin in Has DF Helped You?   
    Maybe. I could use the forums more (in my support network). It's been a while since I've been here but it seems almost impossible to completely rid ourselves of some bite. Its a cruel world but are things supposed to be this way for our ultimate good - otherwise nothing would push out outside our comfort zones and we wouldn't otherwise grow and life wouldn't even exist without the harshness of nature - from within and without?
    Heck, even Earth, as bad as things get here, is relatively hospitable without any significant extinction events going on at the current time in a vast sea of empty airless suffocating space.
    Still, that doesn't change the fact that I still detest this arrangement of things. Why does life have to hurt - especially given that my introduction to it was filled with verbal and emotional abuse - especially because I was at a relatively well-to-do public school but was too autistic to fit in without being singled out by staff and picked on by bullies. What a sucky introduction to life - or could that not be more apt - why does life have to take a blessed angel of a golden child and do every damn thing possible to **** him up mentally - all the while the circumstances aren't particularly extraordinary but just everyday stuff with public schools and teachers unions back then. Still, that puts me in the same position of being the biter and the accuser of these mean people. These times are long past me, but being loving and kind and forgiving didn't work back then (like how I've always wanted the whole world to get along and be friends), what can I do? Forgiveness, yes, but in this same spirit of love and kindness, how can I as someone not let others walk on me without presenting the same air of the problem to them (conflict-reduction instead of tit-for-tat) and being a part of the problem again instead?
    I thought life was supposed to make us stronger, now I'm so timid even DF gives me problems sometimes. Problems huh? What would we do without them? Thanks DF for helping us talk it out. It's a pretty safe space and nest egg to do so compared to other places on the net and life. So, still, I suppose my ultimate goal of being invulnerable in a safe world isn't being met (wouldn't everyone want this lol 😛 ), but maybe I'm becoming more knowledgeable as a start 🙂 (Edit: So, I'd say yes DF has helped me 🙂 !) .
     
  3. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from BeyondWeary in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Full of disbelief. Nobody attractive is around me, and it makes me wonder if I should ask a doctor to get me chemically castrated. Because there are times I'll go hungry for hours just wishing I could find someone I like.
  4. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Devlinkyla in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Sad a little depressed missing old friends but that’s life
  5. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from Devlinkyla in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Full of disbelief. Nobody attractive is around me, and it makes me wonder if I should ask a doctor to get me chemically castrated. Because there are times I'll go hungry for hours just wishing I could find someone I like.
  6. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Rattler6 in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    Really upset.  I was ruminating pretty badly earlier.  I have calmed down now.  Really disappointed with myself as I lost some self control. 
     
  7. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    I used to enjoy a lot of things too when I was younger but I don't enjoy anything or look forward to anything anymore.  It's just bitterness and survival at this point.  I'm turning into my grandpa that everyone says I look like.  He was always angry and bitter all the time.  I don't ever remember seeing him happy.
  8. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #11   
    There will come a day where I will have to leave probably in the middle of the night and never come back for my safety.  I might fail but this life is over.
  9. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to 15anddepressed in My perspective as an atheist, nihilist and depressed   
    Wow, interesting to see someone like-minded, thanks for responding!
    I think that I've always been somewhat nihilistic, but I think that my depression is a big part of that mindset becoming stronger for sure. A lot of people (especially religious people) conflate nihilism with pessimism, and that's wrong. It doesn't mean that there can't be any meaning in life, only that there is no inherent meaning in life. A person should set out and find their own meaning in life without some book telling them what it is, and even if they do not think that there should be any meaning in life (like I do), that doesn't mean that you can't live a fulfilling life.
  10. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to 15anddepressed in My perspective as an atheist, nihilist and depressed   
    I'm 15 and a boy, if you want context on my experiences you can check my other posts. I've always been non-religious, agnostic for most of my life, but atheist for the past few years, now more anti-theist (I actively oppose religion as I think that overall it does more harm to society than good, no hate to any religious people, I know most religious people aren't bad people, every person is an individual and should be treated as such). I also happen to be a nihilist (I don't believe that life has any inherent meaning or purpose) as well. Some would say that this might be making my depression worse, but even if that is true (which I'm not sure if it is), I'd much rather be part of reality then believe in (what I view to be) a fairytale to keep me going. I shouldn't have (and don't want to) to put my faith into some invisible man up in the sky to get me motivated. If I ever become motivated, I want that to happen because of me and me alone.
  11. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Epictetus in My perspective as an atheist, nihilist and depressed   
    Thank you for sharing your views with us.  Philosophy is a very interesting subject to me personally since it was my academic specialty.  It is always good to know that there are still people out there who engage in philosophical reflection.  I hope you will get lots of responses to your post !   
  12. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from salparadise6132 in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Terrible
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  19. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Kogent5 in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Last night, someone - I assume the same kids who have been damaging the fence - uprooted one of the peony bushes my Mum had planted. It's gone. I am already in a sullen mood because it will be 2 days to her birthday and I miss her.
    I hate my neighborhood and I hate these people. I want to cry but I'm in the library.
    I feel sad and numb lately. Life is just pain right now.
  20. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from BeyondWeary in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Terrible
  21. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from nojoy in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Terrible
  22. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Terrible
  23. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from Devlinkyla in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Terrible
  24. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to SqueezeWax in I feel like I was ‘accidently’ born gay   
    I don’t look like a model from a cologne ad, I don’t have a gift for home decoration/fashion design/hair styling, I don’t have a flashy, high-paying career, I’m not acerbically witty. I’ve never been given a second glance by any of the other gay guys I went to high school or college with. 
    I know this sounds terribly self-pitying, but what I am really frustrated with is the way gay men are portrayed on Bravo TV, or anywhere else for that matter. They make ‘us’ out to be nearly superhuman, and I sometimes half-jokingly wonder why I wasn’t given any of the wonderful attributes every other gay man supposedly has. 
  25. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Cutiejulie in Need to get out of this hole   
    8 or so years ago my life was going great except for gender dysphoria( I've wanted to be a girl since I can remember like 5 years old.) I had gotten a new job started to put some of my past behind me (falling out with my best friend / boyfriend, he had stole my identity and ruined my credit score when I was trying to buy a house<we were friends for 10 years or so before we started dating>I loved him and would have taken a bullet for him) I put him behind me and wanted to move on. I got the house and things were going ok. Just me and my pup. After getting back on track I started dating a very attractive crossdresser/ trans girl who was still in the closet. We were dating for about 3 months and I was smitten. I started coming out of the closet around the same time, i told my friends and those I did slowly became not my friends so i stopped telling them all, my sister just kinda shrugged it off and just doesn't want to talk about it and my parents just said it was a phase. I was 30 something at the time. Now my parents pretend it never happened. I cant get over this  they claim to love me but now I don't believe them when they say it. It's still salty but my problems started mostly after the girl I was dating revealed she was cheating on her girlfriend with me. I was devastated I lost love again. I stopped caring about things. It doesn't seem long enough to be attached but I was attached. I let things go at my house. I cried. I felt betrayed, I could see a fantastic future with this girl. And I mopped for months.. but I was pushing though and started to be moving forward and then my dog died. And I lost it. I completely gave up cleaning. And gave up hope for being happy again. Maybe I over reacted. But 6 months later I thought behaps this will be better tomorrow I was going to get better. The next day I lost my saltwater fish. Thousands of dollars were in that tank as it was my only hobby besides gaming. I broke. I stopped dressing. I stopped doing the things I wanted to do. I became a shopaholic. I always did some retail therapy but I became obsessed with the buzz of buying things. My house filled up with stuff. My go to alone catch phrase went from I want to be a girl to I want to die. I didn't  really want to but I still said it. I started staying at friends houses who I haven't told (would not accept me). For weeks or a month at a time. Still outwardly acting like all is right with the world outwardly laughing and smiling but inside I am a mess just like my house. I gained so much weight i could lose 50 to eight and be at ideal for my height. This goes on for years. Now we come to present day. I go to work come home and bury myself in my pc avoiding the mess. I spend all day thinking of all the stuff I'm gonna clean when i get home but when I do get home I'm to tired to do anything or looking at it takes the wind out of my sails. If I plan to do stuff on my day off I end up sleeping for 16 hours and never getting anything done. Now I'm at the point of trying to distract myself constantly so I don't think about the pains of not being a girl and the mess that is my house. I have no idea how to help myself. I am sad all the time. My friends say how can you be depressed you have a good job, house and a car and make good money. But the dont know me at all. No one does. I cant make new friends till my house is cleaned but I cant bring myself to do it. I cant go to a therapist everything I would say is written above and I have a fear of being committed for saying the wrong thing. I'm not suicidal but I want to **** myself constantly comes out of my mouth. I look online to figure out how to help and it says eat 3 square meals a day and exercise. That doesn't help,I want to but I get the same thing with that as I get home and am too tired or want to distract myself or I make plans and sleep through them.
    Some say just do a little a day. But how can I do a little when I can't even bring my self to do any? I hate being depressed...
    How can I get out of this hole I'm stuck in?
    Thanks for reading...
     
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