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xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx

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  1. Haha
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from gandolfication in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    I hate capitalism.
  2. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to lonelyforeigner in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    For me it depends very much on how my life is going in general, when things are going well and I am somewhat content the symptoms almost completely disappear, it's in times of stress that they rear their ugly head. Interestingly enough I tend to be very much in control 99% of the time, it takes a lot to trigger a moment since it's usually related to how others treat me and I rarely let someone get close enough to me to be in a position to trigger me. But then when someone does manage to get under my skin I completely lose control and can get super self-destructive and hurtful. There are different subtypes of borderline too, not everybody acts the same way. There even seems to be a gender difference, a lot of men with BPD end up abusing substances and getting in trouble with the law due to risk-taking behavior and fights whereas it's common to hear that women will jump from relationship to relationship trying to fill that void and they're more likely to self-harm instead of getting into physical fights or breaking the law. Just generalizations of course...
    Ugh! The one place I used to call was provided by the community services board in NOVA, they were pretty good although one lady got annoyed with me once because there was a month when I called a lot and she ended up telling me she wasn't there to provide therapy... But yeah, if someone isn't a real volunteer I imagine that they will pretty much suck. I also suspect that some may start out as volunteers thinking they can make a difference and then get desensitized and stop caring, kinda like an ER doctor won't bat an eye when someone comes in gushing blood all over the place. 
  3. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to gandolfication in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    I like how you call it BPD moments; maybe that's a good way for me to think about myself too....it is bracing to acknowledge the intermittently relative lack of control I seem to have over my emotions (that's the most euphemistic way I can bring myself to admit right now).  Much of BPD I don't identify with and don't think I have, but the parts that pop up are bad enough.
    I'm not sure what even a really 'good' well-trained crisis line person is supposed to say to one who is feeling hopeless and sui cidal, but the 5-6 times I've called, only 1, maybe 2 even seemed to be minimally competent.  The others I felt like I was putting them out to talk about it even though I got right to the point.  I felt like they wanted to get off the phone (and who wouldn't, but then why take that job or volunteer?).  One reason I know:  much of this has been outsourced to these for-profit charitable private contractors, and guess what?  Yep, capitalism strikes again, because they naturally press downward, minimizing costs down to the lowest common denominator, so I strongly assume we now have a lot of people in these call centers nationwide, who do not and never did want to be there, and probably work what has become a sweat-shop like job, scrutinized via management science for maximal efficiency, taking more calls, faster turn-around, shorter times per call, etc., etc.  I know because I met with and/or interviewed with several of the big organizations out in the DC area.
    Anyway, I'm feeling pretty sh*tty right now, and just wanted to take this opportunity to bash capitalism.
  4. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to gandolfication in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    Unfortunately, I think:
    1) you cannot be responsible for another person's threats or attempts of suicide, even, and especially if they are using it to extort concessions from you (and I I'm speaking of someone who has done this, verbally, to some.defree, as difficult as that is for me to say, and as many qualifications and rationalizations as I want to make);
     
    2) my own personal experience is that most people on at crisis lines to do suck at their jobs unfortunately also.
     
    3) I think it's really hard especially for anyone, especially an amateur to tell the difference between bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or some other maledy.  BPD really seems to be kind of a catroll trying to describe a cluster of symptoms and manifestations ropes together into one term to make it intellectually manageable.  And again, I'm speaking of someone who has borderline-borderline personality disorder, if you will (my diagnosis is bipolar too, psychiatrist and therapist have said I do not meet the criterion for borderline personality disorder, but that I do have some of the behaviors).  I do not think about it, because it's mostly pointless and also it would infuriate me to think I have such an additional nightmarish (and fairly treatment resistant) scourge.
    Tell my heart goes out to you and to him, and all my thoughts and loves and prayers to the universe to help.
  5. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from gandolfication in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    The thing that concerns me most is his near constant thoughts of suicide, and before saying anything else, I actually have called the police once when I thought I had no other option. Thing is, if he WAS home during this particular suicide attempt, I knew the apartment building he lived in, but not the apartment number. When I asked him, he said, ''noone's going to stop me.'' With what little I know of the condition of Borderline PD, it seems to me that this is one thing indicative of the same disorder. There's also the linking of that with another symptom, his rapid shifting in moods and attitudes. I told him I loved him, through some app since we're long-distance, but not far-enough-away-to-be-unable-to-occasionally-date, long-distance, and he said, "Awww I love you, too. So are we just casual dating or more?"
    In retrospect, I may have said too early that I loved him. What took me by surprise, and this is how the two symptoms most distinct to me related to each other, is that when we first started to text, before our first date, he said he was okay keeping things casual... But when I said at this later point that I wanted to keep things casual, he said he was just going to **** himself. Later on, I got a text from him saying he tried but just couldn't.
    This was surprising news, considering all the seriously bulging scars I saw on his wrist once when he took his right glove off. I told him he needed to seek medical attention for those things, and he said in person he would... But texted me that he might not. He is also impulsive in the sense of how much he drinks and smokes.
    We have similar backgrounds when it comes to our home lives: they are hell. But when he said living with his parents who didn't care about him gave him problems... I was disturbed at the thought that he couldn't even turn to his Mom. I have serious problems with my Dad, but virtually none with my mother. We both have assholes of older siblings as well, and it makes me think that he either is developing or already has developed this condition as a result of his own home life. When I told him he should text 741-741 or call a lifeline, he said he has tried, but that the people suck at their jobs.
  6. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to lonelyforeigner in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    Makes sense, despite our tendency to think of people as blank slates this simply isn't true. Some are born stronger than others, the ones who are more resilient will often be able to withstand a higher level of abuse than someone who's rather vulnerable or genetically predisposed. Nature doesn't care about egalitarianism. 
  7. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Bree1234 in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Thread   
    Borderline Personality Disorder as well as anxiety and depression have taken over my life. I am 21 married with a 7 month old. It is often very chaotic in my household the other half of the time it is so blissful and you can feel the deep chemistry between my husband and I. We believe in soul mates (judge is you will , lol) We love our daughter to death. That is the hardest thing for me - the guilt of having this disorder and showing my family "the other side" of me. I am always ashamed of my actions. Two years ago after a failed suicide attempt I was diagnosed with bpd. I had trouble understanding exactly what it was so I did some research.  I still don't understand some parts of it but I seem to understand much better now.  I have a majority of the symtoms, they have worsened over two years I would say. I had a few signs as a child and teen but not enough to fit the full criteria until now.  Let me tell you it has been a hard road, only now I am getting the proper help. I have been put on Seraquel and Cymbolta, the cymbotla is more for anxiety and depression and the Seraquel is more for the bpd symptoms. My marriage to my husband is often described as unique and beautiful, we share and profound bound to each other that is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When I have my episodes it is hard on both of us. I have rage issues and I say and do hurtful things. Somehow he is still here. I am so grateful for his love and protection of me. Relationships with borderline can be very difficult and draining but not impossible. If you have the love and support you need you will get through it. I often have unresolved feelings towards my family who I no longer speak to or interact with. My family were very abusive and not supportive of me. My older brother used to beat me every time I said something wrong. I am afraid of turning into him because when my husband says something I take it personally or misconstrue it and just snap...the shame and guilt afterwards is unbearable. I just feel so damn trapped. Getting help takes so long and I can't afford to do any more damage. Ever since I have been diagnosed it all makes sense, my inappropriate anger towards small things, certain behaviours and insecurities that I have. I am on my second day of cymbotla so I am hoping that will help with the anxiety and depression so I can focus on working on the bpd alone. Not sure if cymbolta helps with bpd but Seraquel does so we have increased my dose from 25 to 50mgs then maybe up to 100mgs and see how that goes in conjuntion with DBT. 
  8. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to LonelyHiker in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    I hear you....I love individuals, but I despise the human species (if that makes any sense)
  9. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to JD4010 in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Makes perfect sense!
  10. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to BeyondWeary in A message to no one   
    Welcome! I think it is good to let it all out and with tears. It is a lot of stress to hold it inside. Healing can’t start happening if there is nothing to work with. It might be hard yet will pay off in the long run. Sorry you are having such a hard time. Please keep coming back, reading, and posting. You matter to us here. 
    BW
  11. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from BeyondWeary in New, depressed   
    I hope it makes you feel better that I also have trouble concerning employment.
    I offer you my virtual hug.
  12. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to ladysmurf in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    not sure what BPD feels like but i gave up on finding someone.... because i don't feel good, nor will i ever. besides people freak out when you tell them you take pills for anxiety or depression. our society is way behind on these matters. i hope you do find someone if you think it will help..some days i like the idea of being alone and not having any responsibility because a relationship isn't easy, and other days i feel jealous when i see others i know in a relationship. but mine ended badly years ago , and i'm a bit terrified to trust a guy again...so being alone forever is something i have come to accept i guess..
  13. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to evalynn in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Now that I'm supposed to be asleep, I'm awake. My body is so stupid.
  14. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Rattler6 in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    Right now I feel a bit of a release.  Had a hard therapy session today.  Then a workout.
    I am glad to have released some of the anger I felt from the past.  It is something I am going to have to deal with for while.  I just need to get this crap out as I have been emotionally constipated for so long.
  15. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from JD4010 in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    I feel little hope, but this isn't in the top 10 of my lowest points.
    Thing is that some guy I'm talking to online probably isn't who he seemed to be at first.
  16. Sad
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to sober4life in How Do You Feel Right Now #10   
    I waited until I was too old to want children of my own.  Now I'm an old ugly monster and I can forget it.  It's my biggest regret in life.  I know I would be a good parent now.  I was too sick most of my life to have that part of my life.  I cry about it every day.  Every day of this life has been so miserable for me.  I'm tired of this life sentence!
  17. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to BeyondWeary in Hi, I’m new, just started Citalopram   
    Welcome and glad you found us. Sorry that you are having such a hard time. Please keep coming back. We will support you as best we can. You are not alone.
    BW
  18. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from WhatMakesMeHappy in "Pure" OCD, DESPERATE for help, support, advice!!   
    I have severe OCD. It really sucks. I can only think of one thing to say, which is that if you used "logic" for the sort of confirmation rituals you experienced and it didn't help at all even though you felt sure it would help, it is often better to try and distract yourself than anything else.
  19. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from Epictetus in Hi! Happy to finally post something   
    I have severe OCD. I don't know how to help except to say I know that feeling of constant worry, though.
  20. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Oscar K in I want to end my life   
    Welcome friend to our forum family.
    We aren't " random people " on the internet .
    We are here to help each other out of the depression darkness.
    Please make yourself at home with us.
    We have awesome members who will listen and help as best we can.
    Stick with us and of course stick with yourself.
    Oscar
  21. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Tearz in I want to end my life   
    Hello rsk, I am so glad you decided to reach out instead of the permanent alternative. Because we never see things clearly in the midst of a depressive episode, I sincerely urge you to find the post which mentions if you are suicidal right now. There is an 800 number to call, which will put you in touch with someone who can give you a real person to speak with and resources which may be immediately available in your local area. Please do not wait, I urge you to call today, right now. I promise they are there to help. Check back in with us also, as I for one am so grateful that you are on this planet and still valiantly fighting against that bastard demon of darkness. Please let us know about you. We care a lot.
  22. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Tearz in I want to end my life   
    1-800-273-TALK. 
  23. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to SleelingAtLast in I want to end my life   
    This is the place for you,and we may be random people but behind the screen know that there is a real human being, taking the time to listen carefully and help talk with you about your problems bc we are here bc we care. I'm sorry you've experienced this thought,I wouldn't speak on this unless I've had experience in the matter and alot of it trust me. The truth is that you are worth more than the value you are given,you mustn't let the opinions of others define your mindstate. There is no standard to uphold here...for a mother and father to treat you as if you are "not enough" or a disappointment is terrible. I know you will feel an obligation to uphold their ideals but your life is yours to live...and you should live it,as long as you do not hurt anyone in the process then why not. Perhaps you could try a few "good deeds" to people here or there in daily life...I've felt the effects of this. It makes you feel like you matter again and it's just evidence for something that is true but we as what we are...cannot see easily. My advice here...don't do anything like that,yes it would hurt your family and friends and tbh they will "get better" in years to come but never truely recover from your loss,but this matter is about YOU and how YOU feel and why YOU feel this way. Don't feel shameful for these terrible thoughts bc they mean you have heart,and that you are a sentient being that feels love,compassion and hurt. That's something to be proud of...spend some time to find yourself over a period of time...try to at least gain these three things
    Something to do.                                          Something to look forward to.                    And someone to love.
    Mind you, someone to love doesn't mean "romantic" necessarily but just another to share your thoughts with. It's ok to have these thoughts though,just don't act on them...it's a tragic undefinable thing that can only destroy everything and everyone involved.... we're here for you when you need us,you just pop in and share anything you like and we can talk about whatever and whenever...
    This place is a sanctuary for those in need of help, compassion and friendship...
    I hope I have helped you at least some and if you decide to stay,from us all...I say welcome and if you need us we're here anytime
  24. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx reacted to Epictetus in Isolated Emo Kid   
    Don't know if this would be helpful or not, but when I was younger and couldn't find work anywhere, I got a job shelving books in a public library.  I found that the people who work in public libraries tend to be very accepting of alternate lifestyles, clothing and so forth.  - epictetus
  25. Like
    xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx got a reaction from Epictetus in Isolated Emo Kid   
    My dad doesn't understand this. At all. When I hear these out-of-touch people on the news saying we might 'get into' a recession, I laugh inside. Things are already terrible. I would go so far as to say that it's worse than a recession but not bad enough to make people KNOW it's a depression.
     
    And you're right about that...
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