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xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx

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Everything posted by xXxXEntranceScardenXxXx

  1. Full of disbelief. Nobody attractive is around me, and it makes me wonder if I should ask a doctor to get me chemically castrated. Because there are times I'll go hungry for hours just wishing I could find someone I like.
  2. If I ever consider just moving away from this hell-hole just to find someone to casually date that is attractive to me, taking a break from college, I hit a brick wall because I need to take care of my Mom, who's disabled. Since her condition worsens with time, we as a family know that eventually she will have to move into a nursing home, but we don't really know when that will be. I need to clarify something. I don't actually wish for this to happen, and that's because she's the only person in my family who I actually love. I always lie to my dad when I tell him I love him back. My brother's awful, and my dad is an idiot for saying I have conflicts with him simply because he's 'different' than me. He's also stupid enough to actually think I value family at an inherent level because he goes on saying, 'when me and your Mom are gone, he's the only family you've got.' ... Like I care. He's the type of person who I would go to the funeral of just to punch the crap out of their corpse's face. My dad, that is. My brother? I would get dragged away from the funeral, I wouldn't be able to stop punching him. But back to the topic proper, I don't think I'll have the chance to find anyone attractive to me. Because when years pass, and my Mom does move into such a place, I'm starting to wonder if I will be able to get a date with anyone else in their 20s, even if I move to somewhere like LA with more diversity, because I have no contact with people of my same counterculture offline, and these inbred idiots on any dating site I've tried said stupid crap such as 'lol you're still emo? grow up', the bloody morons. And in case you want to twist my words, my dating profiles never hate people because they aren't emo, I just plainly state I'm only attracted to other emos, so if some guy isn't but messages me anyway, I automatically will reject him. The aesthetic of emohood actually seen in real life is nowhere as interesting as it was in the mid-2000s, and I bet it will get worse. I remember seeing a forum post not too long ago (posted 2011 or briefly after, but I read it in 2017) where some member of inthe00s.com proudly stated he and his coworkers beat up anyone in the workplace in the early 2000s just for listening to a particular band on their mp3 player, WITHOUT blaring it around to where anyone could hear it. Crap is so hard to believe. Anyone I see around me doesn't get to a 1 on my 0 to 10 scale, and I think I will die a virgin. If I don't, I'll probably only ever get laid with some ugly as purgatory (in my mind) dude. Really anything sympathetic or providing a solution will help, the former because I don't think there is a solution to my problem.
  3. Funny thing happened. I was planning to live with my mother for a short while before renting a room of my own once I found a suitable room not too far away, but without me knowing, my Mom told my father I quit school and got a full-time job as a janitor. That's when he realized I was trying to find work. He ended up calling me to say that if looking for a position I could apply for took as long as an amount of time it did every day and therefore distracted me from studying, I didn't really need to. Therefore, I decided to finish my first week of work just to get money for whatever I'd choose to do with later, then sign up for my fall semester. I will be living with him once again, and he may have even removed a reason from my mind for me to hate him.
  4. Just a short while ago, I made a post about my situation of living with my brother due to living with my dad. I can see that, in all likelihood, that is no longer going to be a problem. Here is exactly what happened. I'm going to list every detail of my stupid dad's 'lecture' and the 'reasons' behind it just to give you an idea of what an unreasonable idiot I'm dealing with. I planned on not taking classes during the summer so that I could look for work. HE had other plans, so obviously, and logically, I took a class just to get him to shut up. Some time into the course, I packed my bags at my Mom's just to head over to my dad's, late in the day due to studying all day, but still having a need to head back over to make it LOOK like I didn't already hate him. Well, I got back at 11 pm, when my dad was already at work, and lord firgive me for passing out, right? Because he woke me up and acted like I was utterly lazy by saying, "Get a job! I'm serious![...] Don't 'yeah', DO it! You're laying in bed, almost ASLEEP. You're 20 years old, you should be able to get a part-time job working 10 to 15 hours a week!" making sure to put emphasis on the last sentence like *I* was the idiot. Well, with all due respect (none), BULLCRAP. I almost do absolutely nothing but apply for work when I'm not studying, and he claims to not be able to read the pictures I send him of emails saying "sorry, we moved on to other applicants". I used to think that there was some mysterious reason behind intelligent and talented people being failed into having to accept manual labor jobs in the United States of America, but now I can see that there are several reasons and that I face only a couple of crippling ones. Because I was in the top 10 percent of my graduating class, took all AP my senior year, and was in Gifted and Talented all throughout grade school, yet in all likelihood, I'm going to have to quit school for the forseeable future, JUST to open my schedule to any job at all, and probably end up being a janitor for the rest of my life because I'm autistic and suck at faking not being so. My actual question is, how can I make sure I'm not going to 'crawl back' to my dad once I move away from him? I'm generally unfamiliar with handling taxes, insurance, and such for the time being.
  5. Haven't taken any classes. The problem with filing a restraining order, I can't say unless it's in our inboxes, because otherwise there's less of a likelihood that I'll remain anonymous.
  6. He won't shut up once he starts to punk me and piss me off when nobody else is around. I'm tired of his crap. It's always been this way. The reason we are in the same house is we both go to local colleges but don't have the opportunity to get our own houses/apartments/whatever. Thing is, I'm not going to get any help if someone tells me 'not to stoop to his level', for there is no shame in getting him to shut up when all of these agressions are between the two, I reiterate - ONLY the two - of us. And ignoring him doesn't work because he just keeps running his mouth making me have an increasing need to think of him being physically tortured. I DON'T love him, despite what our idiot father says to me. I don't currently have the strength significant to defend myself against him if he actually decided to fight me, which just makes me more pissed off. My question may run along the lines of, 'how can I finance self-defense training with limited time and no job?' I've come to realize he'll just keep it up if I do nothing, and I need to know pointers because, for example, any sort of one-liner I think of that MIGHT shut his mouth always comes to me after an 'argument' of ours. He's continued beating me up when I was already down several times over the years, and I can't stand him.
  7. The thing that concerns me most is his near constant thoughts of suicide, and before saying anything else, I actually have called the police once when I thought I had no other option. Thing is, if he WAS home during this particular suicide attempt, I knew the apartment building he lived in, but not the apartment number. When I asked him, he said, ''noone's going to stop me.'' With what little I know of the condition of Borderline PD, it seems to me that this is one thing indicative of the same disorder. There's also the linking of that with another symptom, his rapid shifting in moods and attitudes. I told him I loved him, through some app since we're long-distance, but not far-enough-away-to-be-unable-to-occasionally-date, long-distance, and he said, "Awww I love you, too. So are we just casual dating or more?" In retrospect, I may have said too early that I loved him. What took me by surprise, and this is how the two symptoms most distinct to me related to each other, is that when we first started to text, before our first date, he said he was okay keeping things casual... But when I said at this later point that I wanted to keep things casual, he said he was just going to **** himself. Later on, I got a text from him saying he tried but just couldn't. This was surprising news, considering all the seriously bulging scars I saw on his wrist once when he took his right glove off. I told him he needed to seek medical attention for those things, and he said in person he would... But texted me that he might not. He is also impulsive in the sense of how much he drinks and smokes. We have similar backgrounds when it comes to our home lives: they are hell. But when he said living with his parents who didn't care about him gave him problems... I was disturbed at the thought that he couldn't even turn to his Mom. I have serious problems with my Dad, but virtually none with my mother. We both have assholes of older siblings as well, and it makes me think that he either is developing or already has developed this condition as a result of his own home life. When I told him he should text 741-741 or call a lifeline, he said he has tried, but that the people suck at their jobs.
  8. Is it appropriate to post here if I think that someone I started dating has it and I don't know for sure, but still want to help them either way? Some of his behaviors that indicate to me that he has it are kinda heartbreaking...
  9. I feel little hope, but this isn't in the top 10 of my lowest points. Thing is that some guy I'm talking to online probably isn't who he seemed to be at first.
  10. I hope it makes you feel better that I also have trouble concerning employment. I offer you my virtual hug.
  11. My dad doesn't understand this. At all. When I hear these out-of-touch people on the news saying we might 'get into' a recession, I laugh inside. Things are already terrible. I would go so far as to say that it's worse than a recession but not bad enough to make people KNOW it's a depression. And you're right about that...
  12. I have severe OCD. I don't know how to help except to say I know that feeling of constant worry, though.
  13. I have severe OCD. It really sucks. I can only think of one thing to say, which is that if you used "logic" for the sort of confirmation rituals you experienced and it didn't help at all even though you felt sure it would help, it is often better to try and distract yourself than anything else.
  14. Volunteering seems like it could help a little... And temporary work. The thing is that I did have a seasonal job for 2 months, but that was more than a year ago, and haven't been able to get one since then. So I guess I could just try rotating the seasonal jobs I get, if I can get them.
  15. I know this, it's people who hate on me for the way I look and what I listen to that are my problem. I do appreciate the gist of your reply, though. Thank you.
  16. Thank you. I don't feel that much better, but I was hoping at least one person would reply.
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