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  1. TW: references to rape I don't know whether or not I'm mildly depressed. It's likely I'd know it if I was majorly depressed, but I feel like, and I'm saying this because back in 2012 or so a therapist helped me figure this out, like if I even investigate the idea that I am depressed too much rather than living in the moment more, the depression I am possibly feeling, as has happened before, may become much worse. To be clear, I am not saying it is like that with every depression sufferer. I'm only explaining context of my current situation and how my brain, specifically, seems to operate. My main problems are, my now-post Associate's GPA plummeted before it could even become great, and it's probably because I have been told by my dad to take a certain number of hours per semester, which I've complied with. I can't move to get work because I'm supporting my disabled Mom. There are no funds at the moment for assisted living for her. And still, as usual, I have no prospects for employment. And no matter what people who have actually gone through rape say, I would bet all my pocket change that I would feel WAY more rage and hatred towards some ugly inmate who turned out to rape me after I tried getting money through illegal means, since NO EMPLOYER GIVES ME A CHANCE, making me resort to crime if I can't rely on family funds any more, than if someone I considered attractive in normal circumstances, miraculously in the inside of those walls, ended up raping me. And whenever that uggo forces himself in my mouth, I will lose it and either **** him or get killed trying to. Knowing my LIFE, it's probably going to be the latter. In case some moron cops are reading this: this is about some rapist, not an innocent person, getting ********. Saying I will **** any rapist of mine is NOT a threat, because it is a warning instead. At most-- this is a vent, and not even a warning. And I can't imagine a jury that would side with some moron cop, in this scenario, over me. I'm really pissed off. The thought of someone raping me, because I made money, SURVIVED, the only way I knew how, pisses me off.
  2. That, I don't really mind. I'm pretty sure (I'd only mind if my biceps grew). I do like what things you have suggested. Since I don't know for sure if these things will work, even though I think they will work, further suggestions are welcome.
  3. One of my last posts was about being tired of my older brother's crap, and that still is an issue to a lesser extent than back then. I'm wondering if someone has advice on maintaining skinniness of the upper arms. I have done some weight training, that is to prepare if he ever thinks of physically fighting me again, and even though I like the fact I can bench more than before, it is disappointing to me that my biceps are growing. They don't look big, at least generally, but I also want to keep them that way when if I get to increasing the bulges of my forearms. That way, I'll look starved or less skinny but still skinny, rather than (in my mind) looking like an asshole. I wouldn't even have a problem if I became fat, because any muscle highly visible on my body, at that point, could be construed as more fat, but I've just had too many experiences - INFURIATING ones - with muscular guys, for me to not puke if ever I saw myself looking like that in the mirror. I know that there are exercises exclusively for your forearms, but are there things like iron cuffs to latch around your upper arms through the duration of those exercises, just in case?
  4. Since my last login, that is. Part of the reason that I am posting is to let people know, if they've been worried about me, that I've been busy offline making absolutely sure I get an Associate's because in the fall of 2020, my grades took a nosedive. That's really the only reason I haven't logged in recently. I do have other stuff on my mind, but I'll talk about it later, because I need some sleep.
  5. My Top Reasons Living in the American South SUCKS: 1. Lack of jobs that will hire you. 2. TERRIBLE infrastructure. You have to risk your life way too much just driving in the inner cities. That's what my experience in Texas tells me, and it's not mere congestion coming out of NOWHERE that I am talking about. Too many, WAY too many, merging lanes. Constant construction being done, yet you still have a supercompetitive atmosphere when it comes to getting a starting job like that. 3. De facto inequality when it comes to finding anyone attractive. If you're gay, and you really like stupid inbred jocks being your only options, it'd be a good idea to move to the South! 4. On the topic of heredity, I don't know how it is in other Southern metropolitan areas, but in East Texas, you don't really get a whole lot of diversity. Houston claims itself as the most diverse city in the country, and that may be true when it comes to Hispanic ethnicities, but say you're looking to date East Indians - you're S.O.L. 5. Bad food security when it comes to anyone who doesn't eat meat.
  6. I'm starting to not feel any hope whatsoever. About anything in my life. I'm starting to be mad at an increasingly constant duration of time. The only thing I think when something goes wrong is, 'figures...' I saw the titles of some of the threads in this subforum, and I'm not even sure if I should bother reading the threads just to be disappointed later and turn bitter again. Can someone PM me? I started this thread because I'm wondering if I'm right to not bother avoiding anhedonia caused by bitterness, but maybe someone can give me advice if they think it's worth giving. I don't want anyone who only wants to make people feel this way read this, is why I'm asking for PMs. I don't want them causing the same problems in innocent people's lives.
  7. I feel this way all the ####ing time. I feel the same way about phones, but mostly my reasons are that my culture isn't tolerated at all, and I wish I could go back to 2007. 2007 in particular because my favorite video was deleted from YouTube that year. I want to watch it again. People say that the 2010s were more tolerant towards gay people, but if you have non-traditional standards of beauty when it comes to guys, like I do, it just isn't true. De facto, I cannot have a relationship because so few Emo guys are around anymore that wear it on their sleeves. Growing up, during all of the 'fights' that me and my older brother had, he beat the absolute s### out of me even though every single one of them was his fault. I'm not going to be attracted to guys with any huge, visible muscle.
  8. Full of disbelief. Nobody attractive is around me, and it makes me wonder if I should ask a doctor to get me chemically castrated. Because there are times I'll go hungry for hours just wishing I could find someone I like.
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