Torsti

This has been a really awful day for me, but I wanted to at least cover one thing. IQ is only a measure of a limited area of intellectual abilities, as they are when you take the test. Your IQ score can easily vary 20-30 points, depending on how your day is going. The fact that you had 4 hours sleep is enough of an answer in itself. Intelligence is totally shot in sleep deprivation. Here's what most people don't know. The part of your brain that makes up your mind, is made of 4 little brains: the Amygdala (one on each side, left/right hemispheres) and the Pre-Frontal Cortex (one on each side). The Pre-Frontal Cortex is your higher, conscious self. It is the "you" that's aware. It does higher reasoning (like math, science, language), willpower/impulse control and emotional control. The Amygdala is your emotional and social brain. It gives you emotions, affective empathy (feeling what others feel), and social skills. It drives emotions and emotional thinking. The PFC and Amygdala are locked in a constant battle. Both are responsible for suppressing the other. It's just a fact of neurology that the harder your emotions run, the more your intellect is suppressed. Right now, it sounds like your problem isn't intellectual, but an emotional dysregulation that's badly inhibiting your PFC ability to do it's intellectual job. Even if anxiety wasn't running hard during the test, the neurochemicals are still too elevated. I guarantee you that you're smarter than you ever knew. I've studied a lot of neurology in the past: it's a myth that your intelligence is something pre-programmed. I mean to a point it is, yes, but emotional health has a huge impact on mental function. (btw, sleep deprivation is still the #1 most damaging thing to do to your brain)

Wow, that's almost... "prophetic" (is the word I'm looking for? I had a drink). I read your post and spent half an hour writing a reply, before I realize I couldn't get my head together enough and gave up. Then I wrote this in hopes it would clear my head. lol Honestly man (what if I called you "Sigr"?), that helped. You're the first person who actually wanted to hear about it and didn't dismiss my pain as just "you need to get over yourself." Most people seem to be harshly lacking in empathy. Thank you for giving a [dam]. I admire that when I know you're suffering through your own stuff.

Everything hurts so bad now. I can’t think of any reasons to keep going in a world that despises me. I'm disabled from a spinal injury (mostly in the neck). I can move in every way, but everything I do is a test of pain endurance. 98% of my life is in the house. I can't get out of the house for more than 30-120 minutes (pain depending). So I can't work, make friends, have relationships, a life. I'm also on the mild end of the autism spectrum. Combine that with being disabled and unemployed, I'm never going to have any of the basic things that make life worth living: friends, love, sex, money, human connection…. All my real-life friends and family have pushed me out of their lives, because they all get fed-up with the cripple burdening their lives, since “you’re obviously not trying to get better.” Making friends online was my one hope at human connection, but it's incredibly difficult. I managed to make one amazing friend 2 ½ years ago, but then he went to prison. 😞 (also the nicest person you’ll ever meet). The only other one, who I met around the same time, completely changed, treated me horribly half the time for months and now has ditched me for good… with total, unfeeling indifference. Which always seems to be how it ends. I would happily take being told off over finding out (AGAIN) that after 2 years, I wasn’t even worth saying “goodbye”, “go to hell” or anything to. WTF is so wrong with me that nobody ends up loving or hating me; they just turn contemptuous and abandon me with indifference? In the last week it's felt like I can barely hold in tears, 24/7. I'm so F-ing lonely, I hate feeling ostracized from everything by everyone, going my WHOLE LIFE without ever knowing intimacy, love, a lasting friendship, family who see me as family. The world resents me, wants me to “just go away”, out of sight & out of mind. I can’t think of any more reasons not to give them what they want.

Sorry, I don't see a way to delete my or edit my post. Can delete this one....

I made it too long to read. I'll see about reposting a revised short version.

Everything hurts so bad right now. I'm hitting a point that's difficult to describe... suicide doesn't feel crazy anymore. I'm disabled from a spinal injury (mostly in the neck). I can move in every way, but everything I do is a test of pain endurance. 98% of my life is in my house. I can't get out of the house for more than 20-90 minutes (depends how much pain I'm in at the time). So I can't work, make friends, have relationships, a life. I'm on the mild end of the autism spectrum. Combine that with being disabled, unemployed and how god-awfully worn I look from the years of stress, I'm never going to have any of the basic things that make life worth living: friends, love, sex, money, human connection, the resources to do... anything. Making friends online was my one hope at human connection, though it's incredibly difficult. I successfully made 1 long-term friendship, someone I met 2 1/2 years ago from Europe... and now he's in prison (also the nicest person you'll ever meet). There was just one other, almost as long. We're not friends anymore since 3 days ago and I can guarantee that's over. I spent the last 9 months watching him transform into a miserable narcissist, totally aloof, mean-spirited and saying awful things to me at times (while never, ever saying "I'm sorry" or showing one spark of concern that he hurt you). I finally said I've had enough of the abuse, so I'm leaving for good. His response was as I predicted: no reply. Next day he's having fun with our mutual friends (who were never really my friends, just polite in a group way). They're having fun as we speak, I never came up, he truly feels NOTHING about losing about losing me after 2 years. Nothing but contempt and indifference, just like all my RL friends and siblings who abandoned me too. In the last week it's felt like I can barely hold in tears, 24/7. I'm so F-ing lonely, the mental pain sets off the physical pain (necks are touchy that way) and all experience has taught me that nobody will ever want me. I could even get better and not-disabled, in theory, with a ton of rehab work over the next few years (as I've been doing). But I'm realizing that it's impossible to keep that kind of motivation going, when you have nothing worth living for today. Every day is exactly the same: physical pain, loneliness, bored out of my mind, feeling a giant empty hole from the endless loneliness, learning the hard truth that disability earns you nothing but contempt. I wanted to go for a degree in biochemistry and do medical research. Instead I get to live a slow-death, in constant pain (the doctors have long-since given up), alone and watching everybody else live life, make personal connections and have people who'd actually care if they jumped in front of a bus. Everybody I know inevitably hates me for burdening their lives. I can't think of any reason not to do what the whole world wants me to do....

Benny, I'd like to offer you an objective analysis because I believe you're in need of someone with an objective perspective. I'm doing this because I care about anybody in need, but I'm having a pretty hard time right now, depression-wise, so please don't take my blunt analysis as disrespect.... I believe he's long-since decided that he's better-off without you in his life. It doesn't really mean you did something wrong: the universe comes together in terms of compatibility. He only texted (and thereby acknowledged) you that one time, but not every action has a significant depth of meaning: it was most likely a passing moment of "what the heck", where he sent you what he saw as a polite-but-meaningless text. When people really, genuinely want you to join them, they say "come join us." When they're only saying it to be polite & avoid conflict, they say "you can join us if you want." It's a subtle way of saying "I don't want you to join me, but I'm too polite to flat-out say 'no'." I completely understand where you're coming from (I've been there myself in younger days). But the signs seem very clear... bright & glowing, in fact. A friendship is not in the cards. Personally, I've found that the most important thing to my mental health is a conscious decision: to put your mental health & well-being as a priority above all the rest. Finding inner-peace will never be a matter of satisfying the hard-wired program in your brain that craves an impossible return to old times. Happiness is in accepting the flow of life: learning to create new experiences, new emotions, the changes that you'll never see coming at the start - instead of clinging to that who's time has passed. One does not search for new sources of happiness by knowing what to seek out. One sets out on creating new paths, walking them and finding out where they lead. Hmmm... my Taoism studies came back to mind. lol I hope this gives you something to think about, maybe even help.