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About clippedwings

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  • Birthday 08/30/1979

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    San Francisco, CA born & raised
  • Interests
    Used to have a lot going on in my life, I found it kept me from being depressed, but currently the only things that interest me is the well being of my son and my sanity.

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215 profile views
  1. Hey In_need_of_help82, Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't have any advice, but wanted to tell you, you're not alone. I'm currently in a draining relationship and I stick around and try my best to deal with it, because of fear that I may be even more depressed without my son. I hope things get better for you.
  2. Quirky queer's quote Queen Quinn's quick quip.
  3. Hi Stan, I'm glad to hear you've found outlets to keep from being overly depressed. I had many hobbies and activities to keep me busy...don't let anyone take them away from you, they may not seem important, but I found out that keeping myself entertained was very important to my mental state. Lately my mornings sometimes start with anxiety and hyper ventilating and found slow deep breathing to be very helpful. Thank you for putting this great information up here, I'm sure it will help someone.
  4. Hi Jeff, Hang in there. I wouldn't take it personally, for now. He can very well just be in the honeymoon stages of something new and exciting and all he wants to do and think about is her. It happens a lot. High school is rough and people tend to lose contact with each other, its a transitional phase in life, but don't lose hope. I've lost many great friends during high school, for no other reason other than life taking us on different paths. Also, I agree with MarkintheDark..."living well is the best revenge". It may start out as spite, but it will show you there is more to life and i find when they do come back around, I am far from hurt and willing to help, because I found other/new things that bring joy to my life. Life is full of highs and lows and for many of us, a lot of lows, but hang in there, because that next high might be the thing that turns our perspective around. Damn, I sound lame. it's from the heart though. Hope things get better sooner than later for you.
  5. I've been cheated on too, even prior to my current situation. I just posted "should've known better". So its funny you said that in reference to dating.
  6. DUDE! You're not a loser. I was in the cool crowd in high school. I was the one guy that stood up for guys like you in school. You're not dead, you're not in jail and you're not blaming anyone else for your problems, you my friend are not on the loser path. I wasn't "don juan" with the girls, but I didn't have such a hard time either. People tend to cheat because they have low self esteem themselves. It isn't the end of the world, I say take control in the bedroom, respectfully of course and I hate to say it, but the facade us depressed people put up, should stay up to a degree in a relationship. People in general have a hard time dealing with needy people, because we are all needy people. As for a job, a career doesn't define you. So you can't be a cop (america has been hating our police officers lately anyway), be a security guard or better yet start your own company. I would never protect a loser and those so called popular people you looked up to, well many of them became losers. So don't beat yourself up. I hope you have a better day. clippedwings
  7. Hi MarkintheDark, Thank you for the welcome and thank you so much for your story. You're right children are smart, when my son was 3, he started hitting his mom and saying he hated her for being mean to "me and dad". I had to stop him, because hitting girls is wrong and truth be told, I was a bit jealous and told him "if I can't hit her, then he can't either". lol. I don't want him to hate his mom either. She isn't the greatest person in the world, but there is some good in her (very hard for me to see now, after years of pointing the finger at me and saying i'm crazy). Lately I've been locking myself in my room at my dads house, unable to get off my a** to function. There are times where I won't go back to her place for a day or two. When i do go back and see my son, it breaks my heart seeing how worried he was that I wouldn't come back. As you said, kids can sense things and he has major separation anxiety with me leaving him. I have no idea how much I would be able to see him if I left. Another truth...I kind of have a bit of separation anxiety with him too. Another factor is child support...she makes 3 times what i do (if i actually get off my a** to work and I helped her get the large increase in her salary too) and comes from a not rich, but fairly well off family, but she makes it sound like she would take full custody and make me pay child support...knowing I don't have much. California has a messed up system, criminals get a slap on the wrist for robbing you, the police are hated and their duties to protect the citizens are slowly being taken away and they're un-arming us so we can't protect ourselves, the justice system will definitely go her way. So with all those factors, I'm afraid of the repercussions of leaving. Also, you know what they say about lies...Make the lie a big one, keep repeating it and eventually everyone will believe it...im sure I messed that up, but something along those lines.
  8. You're right, it doesn't work out well for anyone in this type of relationship and I should just walk away, but my son is 5 years old and he wouldn't understand why I left and being the fairly petty person "the warden" has shown herself to be, she might feed the kid lies and he'll end up hating me. My job as a father isn't financial (thankfully, because i'm deep in the red), it's to raise a good man, it is to be his support system. I think it is possible that i might feel worst if I leave, knowing he won't have the support from his mom. She might even take my leaving out on him. Poor kid already gets yelled at for being a kid, playing with his toys and making a mess. I always have to tell her that this is what kids do...we'll teach him to clean up when he is done. Plus if she didn't keep buy him crap, there wouldn't be such a huge mess.
  9. LMFAO! I just got a used one as a guilt gift and it is waaaay better to cry in the benz than on a bicycle or even in my work truck. However, money isn't everything, yes it will help some issues in life, but depression is depression, it will eat you up no matter your net worth, but what do I know, I've never been financially rich.
  10. Hi Epictetus and Ratvan, Thank you...seriously...thank you for welcoming me and for not having advice, sometimes the simplest way to help someone with depression is some sort of understanding and compassion, Something I don't get from "the warden" (I call her the warden, I figure if I'm gonna have to be screwed, I might as well try to find some type of amusement to keep me going). What makes me feel worst, is the fact that I'm supposed to be a man. Its hard to explain, that I feel abused, I feel like less of a man, because its all emotional pain. Honestly, I'd rather take a physical beating everyday... at least that pain goes away. It makes me sad to think how many men are being abused, but are left unheard and alone. I keep telling myself, suicide is no longer an option because of promises I made, lately I've been asking myself how much integrity do I really have, if any. Sorry, I didn't have any cheese to go with the bottle of whine 😀 Hey, no matter how dark it gets, there's always something to laugh at to keep us all going. I hope you guys and everyone here has a better day today. -clippedwings
  11. Warning...this is a long rant. Click back and ignore, if you wish. Hi folks, So, I started dating this girl 7-8 years ago, she is a good girl, has most of her stuff together, good career, own home, etc. We were seeing each other for a while, but she always brought up and wanted "a label" for us. I haven't called anyone my "girlfriend" for over 10 years, just dated and had long term non- labeled relationships/friendships. She seemed understanding and supportive, so I jumped into a boyfriend/girlfriend labeled relationship. Soon after, she got pregnant (which confused the hell out of me, because she was on "the pill"). I never wanted a kid, because I was afraid he/she would be depressed too and I never wanted anyone to feel the way I've felt, but it happened, so I'll be a man and be there, which included thoughts of marriage too. I moved in with her, which meant an hour (on a good day) commute (another thing I said I would never do), each way. We made changes to our lives and prepared for our son. I held back on marriage because I wasn't fully recovered financially (see profile) and as time flew by, there was a few days of inducing labor, then a cesarean and my healthy very much loved son was born. I took care of the baby from day one because she was in pain. I would help her pump so I could feed him, I helped her to the bathroom, bathed her and kept her cut clean. Either I did everything right for my son as a baby or I just got really lucky that he rarely cried...I did however have experience from being forced to babysit my 2 nieces. I stayed home and took care of both her and the baby for almost 2 months. I had clients in limbo and a few more waiting, so I had to get back to work. 180 degrees later, the shit hits the fan. It starts with her being angry at me every day for being gone "all day", I would only be gone for 7-8 hours, which means, minus the 2 hours (minimum) commute each way equals 6 hours, minus 1-2 hours gathering and putting equipment and tools away, then showering (I'm a electrical contractor and didn't want to expose my new born to construction dust) at my parents house before I get back on the road equals 4-5 hours of actual work, minus lunch = 4-4.5 hours. I explained to her, if I wasn't self employed, I would be gone a minimum of 12 hours a day! Later I find out she was just afraid to be left alone with the baby because she didn't know what she was doing. I began taking on less contracts to be more available. I always knew how to make money and always had ideas to make ends meet and still be available, I never failed on any business I've attempted, some may not have made a lot of money, but any kind of profit, whether it is $10 or $10,000 is not a failure, but she was never supportive...she would always say something negative or try to knock me down. I'm a business owner, my phone rings at all hours, day or night for electrical emergencies, she would yell at me for not charging enough for calling me late. When my friends and family need me, I am there, to help for no other reason or future expectation except to be there for my loved ones, she would bitch how I always do for others but they never (I would never ask and she has no idea what they've done for me) do anything for me (being a true friend is enough for me). At her family parties, I hangout and socialize with her cousins and uncles (who in the world wouldn't appreciate that), it tends to be outdoors while we smoke and drink, but she flips out on me because our son keeps looking for me, her own family thinks its the weirdest thing they've ever seen...a toddler wanting daddy instead of mommy. I understand I'm crazy and am always flooded with differing ideas or views, I don't expect anyone to be on the same page or even agree with me, but some emotional/moral support would be nice, instead she is discouraging and a hindrance to my finances and sanity. We began to argue more and more and I spent so much time and energy trying to make things right for almost 3 years, i tried! I even suggested couples counseling, her response: "You need to see a therapist, I don't". We spent weekends at my parents house and I usually pick her up from the train station (which is 2 blocks from my parents house) when she gets off work, my mom would watch my son when I pick her up. My mom got sick, so I would always watch my son from that point. One time she wanted to be picked up, but our son was sleeping and I told her to walk...it is only 2 blocks! She was pissed, so I figured she would rant to her cousin or best friend, so I checked her phone, just to find out she has been ranting to her ex-boyfriend, which doesn't bother me, but what she said broke my heart. She called me a bunch of names, which doesn't bother me, then says "I wish he would do everyone a favor and just **** himself already"! How could she even say anything like that, knowing my suicidal (see profile) history? I took a piece of paper and taped it to the bedroom wall, it's still up and reads "promises are far more valuable than FAVORS"! I promised my son I would be there for him. I took care of my mom the best I could, I'd take her to her appointments and forced her to eat, but cancer is what it is and she died. She was one of the reasons I never tried suicide again, I was a momma's boy. I always took her feelings into consideration. Now I think of my son and my best friend because he seems to be having issues with me being depressed again (we were watching the movie seven pounds and I asked him if he would do what barry pepper was doing for will smith-for me and he got emotional and yelled at me. I've known him almost all my life and i've never seen his eyes water up like that). Things got temporarily better after my mom passed, but then the same old, same old started up again. Then I found out she cheated on me with her ex...twice that i know of, she doesn't know I know, and I think she feels guilty because (we've been sexless for at least 5 years...1 year into that was the longest drought i've been in, since i was a virgin!) I do guilt trips and mention that I should get an award for being faithful, Then she will buy me something expensive, a friend didn't believe me and said "ya right, if she really cheated on you, why don't you get her to buy you a new car". Two weeks after he said that, I'm driving a Mercedes slk! I want to leave, but I can't. My son needs me, he is well off thanks to being added his grandpas trust, but money isn't love. She tends to buy him everything and hand him a tablet, instead of teaching him values and spending time with him. I don't want him to turn 18 and blow all his inheritance on drugs. I walked away from drugs (see profile) so easily, I believe because of the values my parents taught me. I went to private schools and was probably the poorest kid in the class and I've seen too many of the wealthier kids throw their lives away with drugs, these are people I partied with 20 years ago, i'm clean and an entrepreneur, they're addicts, in and out of jail. I don't want that for my kid. I just don't know. For a long time, I was blaming myself for the faults of this relationship, but even many of her cousins are siding with me. She was raised differently and had different experiences. It wasn't until recently I realized why my depression was so severe, it's because I'm getting mentally and verbally abused for being me. I don't have time or funding for my hobbies and I can't help people like I used to. Now I feel bad, like I am draining all the joy from my friends and family when I talk about my issues. Everyone has their own problems and I don't want to add to theirs anymore, which is why I came here to rant. Through it all I have a long list of reasons to leave, but all it takes is one important reason...the lack of support of any kind...even financial she will bitch. She obviously doesn't have a clue of what love means. To me it means doing anything takes to remove the pain they're feeling, everything it takes to protect them from the fear they have, pushing them so they can be better than they think they can be and loving unconditionally through any faults. I'd leave and file for custody, but she will win, mothers usually do and really all she has to tell the judge is that I am severely depressed, financially ****ed and I smoke weed. So for now, I sacrifice my sanity for my son's well being. I should've known better. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you in advance for the kind words and even the constructive criticism, even the "**** off, you're a selfish douche bag", cuz maybe I am all wrong. Im sure I missed things and there is always her side of the story, feel free to ask. Good day to you all, -clippedwings
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