Warning...this is a long rant. Click back and ignore, if you wish.
So, I started dating this girl 7-8 years ago, she is a good girl, has most of her stuff together, good career, own home, etc. We were seeing each other for a while, but she always brought up and wanted "a label" for us. I haven't called anyone my "girlfriend" for over 10 years, just dated and had long term non- labeled relationships/friendships. She seemed understanding and supportive, so I jumped into a boyfriend/girlfriend labeled relationship. Soon after, she got pregnant (which confused the hell out of me, because she was on "the pill"). I never wanted a kid, because I was afraid he/she would be depressed too and I never wanted anyone to feel the way I've felt, but it happened, so I'll be a man and be there, which included thoughts of marriage too. I moved in with her, which meant an hour (on a good day) commute (another thing I said I would never do), each way. We made changes to our lives and prepared for our son.
I held back on marriage because I wasn't fully recovered financially (see profile) and as time flew by, there was a few days of inducing labor, then a cesarean and my healthy very much loved son was born. I took care of the baby from day one because she was in pain. I would help her pump so I could feed him, I helped her to the bathroom, bathed her and kept her cut clean. Either I did everything right for my son as a baby or I just got really lucky that he rarely cried...I did however have experience from being forced to babysit my 2 nieces. I stayed home and took care of both her and the baby for almost 2 months. I had clients in limbo and a few more waiting, so I had to get back to work.
180 degrees later, the shit hits the fan. It starts with her being angry at me every day for being gone "all day", I would only be gone for 7-8 hours, which means, minus the 2 hours (minimum) commute each way equals 6 hours, minus 1-2 hours gathering and putting equipment and tools away, then showering (I'm a electrical contractor and didn't want to expose my new born to construction dust) at my parents house before I get back on the road equals 4-5 hours of actual work, minus lunch = 4-4.5 hours. I explained to her, if I wasn't self employed, I would be gone a minimum of 12 hours a day! Later I find out she was just afraid to be left alone with the baby because she didn't know what she was doing.
I began taking on less contracts to be more available. I always knew how to make money and always had ideas to make ends meet and still be available, I never failed on any business I've attempted, some may not have made a lot of money, but any kind of profit, whether it is $10 or $10,000 is not a failure, but she was never supportive...she would always say something negative or try to knock me down. I'm a business owner, my phone rings at all hours, day or night for electrical emergencies, she would yell at me for not charging enough for calling me late. When my friends and family need me, I am there, to help for no other reason or future expectation except to be there for my loved ones, she would bitch how I always do for others but they never (I would never ask and she has no idea what they've done for me) do anything for me (being a true friend is enough for me). At her family parties, I hangout and socialize with her cousins and uncles (who in the world wouldn't appreciate that), it tends to be outdoors while we smoke and drink, but she flips out on me because our son keeps looking for me, her own family thinks its the weirdest thing they've ever seen...a toddler wanting daddy instead of mommy. I understand I'm crazy and am always flooded with differing ideas or views, I don't expect anyone to be on the same page or even agree with me, but some emotional/moral support would be nice, instead she is discouraging and a hindrance to my finances and sanity. We began to argue more and more and I spent so much time and energy trying to make things right for almost 3 years, i tried! I even suggested couples counseling, her response: "You need to see a therapist, I don't".
We spent weekends at my parents house and I usually pick her up from the train station (which is 2 blocks from my parents house) when she gets off work, my mom would watch my son when I pick her up. My mom got sick, so I would always watch my son from that point. One time she wanted to be picked up, but our son was sleeping and I told her to walk...it is only 2 blocks! She was pissed, so I figured she would rant to her cousin or best friend, so I checked her phone, just to find out she has been ranting to her ex-boyfriend, which doesn't bother me, but what she said broke my heart. She called me a bunch of names, which doesn't bother me, then says "I wish he would do everyone a favor and just **** himself already"! How could she even say anything like that, knowing my suicidal (see profile) history? I took a piece of paper and taped it to the bedroom wall, it's still up and reads "promises are far more valuable than FAVORS"! I promised my son I would be there for him.
I took care of my mom the best I could, I'd take her to her appointments and forced her to eat, but cancer is what it is and she died. She was one of the reasons I never tried suicide again, I was a momma's boy. I always took her feelings into consideration. Now I think of my son and my best friend because he seems to be having issues with me being depressed again (we were watching the movie seven pounds and I asked him if he would do what barry pepper was doing for will smith-for me and he got emotional and yelled at me. I've known him almost all my life and i've never seen his eyes water up like that). Things got temporarily better after my mom passed, but then the same old, same old started up again. Then I found out she cheated on me with her ex...twice that i know of, she doesn't know I know, and I think she feels guilty because (we've been sexless for at least 5 years...1 year into that was the longest drought i've been in, since i was a virgin!) I do guilt trips and mention that I should get an award for being faithful, Then she will buy me something expensive, a friend didn't believe me and said "ya right, if she really cheated on you, why don't you get her to buy you a new car". Two weeks after he said that, I'm driving a Mercedes slk!
I want to leave, but I can't. My son needs me, he is well off thanks to being added his grandpas trust, but money isn't love. She tends to buy him everything and hand him a tablet, instead of teaching him values and spending time with him. I don't want him to turn 18 and blow all his inheritance on drugs. I walked away from drugs (see profile) so easily, I believe because of the values my parents taught me. I went to private schools and was probably the poorest kid in the class and I've seen too many of the wealthier kids throw their lives away with drugs, these are people I partied with 20 years ago, i'm clean and an entrepreneur, they're addicts, in and out of jail. I don't want that for my kid. I just don't know.
For a long time, I was blaming myself for the faults of this relationship, but even many of her cousins are siding with me. She was raised differently and had different experiences. It wasn't until recently I realized why my depression was so severe, it's because I'm getting mentally and verbally abused for being me. I don't have time or funding for my hobbies and I can't help people like I used to. Now I feel bad, like I am draining all the joy from my friends and family when I talk about my issues. Everyone has their own problems and I don't want to add to theirs anymore, which is why I came here to rant. Through it all I have a long list of reasons to leave, but all it takes is one important reason...the lack of support of any kind...even financial she will bitch. She obviously doesn't have a clue of what love means. To me it means doing anything takes to remove the pain they're feeling, everything it takes to protect them from the fear they have, pushing them so they can be better than they think they can be and loving unconditionally through any faults.
I'd leave and file for custody, but she will win, mothers usually do and really all she has to tell the judge is that I am severely depressed, financially ****ed and I smoke weed. So for now, I sacrifice my sanity for my son's well being. I should've known better.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you in advance for the kind words and even the constructive criticism, even the "**** off, you're a selfish douche bag", cuz maybe I am all wrong. Im sure I missed things and there is always her side of the story, feel free to ask.
Good day to you all,