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Depressedgurl007

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  1. Depressedgurl007

    What’s a marriage

    Thing are becoming much better now that I have moved back to my parents’ place three weeks ago. I think I can actually become a normal person. But of course this can’t last forever. So then I talked to my husband last night. He asked me why do I still love him. I can think of how much he has done for me and say I love him cos of that. But if he were to ask me which personality and which character of him do I love so much, I can’t really answer. We got marriage counselling this Thursday. So I’ll have to be going back to mil’s place soon. Not to mention my baby is there and I miss her. I miss him too actually. Is seeing him worth the sacrifices I’ll be making by going back? I’m afraid. I’m so so afraid. I can only pray that I can control my emotions when I’m there, that I take a step back even if they hurt my feelings, no matter if what they say is true or untrue. Cos I need to do this for my daughter. Frankly, if I love my daughter I should be giving her to a better family. But I can’t cos I don’t want to lose her. What can I feel incredibly grateful for right now? Grateful for the time I spent at my parents’ place for the past three weeks where I can do anything that I want n where I can totally be myself. How could I feel excited right now? Seeing my daughter tomorrow night. How could I demonstrate love or excellence right now? Maybe I should do some housework like the laundry. What’s the main thought that will be most helpful for my life now? I would like to be a better wife. Really? I guess it’s supposed to be helpful. I know a marriage takes two hands to clap but still. Putting up one hand is halfway there right. What do I like about myself? I’m not perfect but I keep trying.
  2. This is so true it sounds a lot like me. I’m living my life for other people n not for myself. I place expectations on myself but they are other people’s expectations. I’ve got to go through with it or else I’m a failure in their eyes which becomes a failure in my eyes too. I’m setting myself for a fall cos I know I can’t do it cos I personally don’t want to do it. They say I don’t deserve anything cos I don’t work for what they want. Why do I have to keep fighting for other people’s wishes. Cos I’m afraid if I don’t, I’m nothing.
  3. Ah procrastination..now that I’m no longer working, it’s so easy to procrastinate waking up..I didn’t shower for the past two days n finally dragged myself to shower just this morning..trying to make waking up at a certain time a habit..since they say repeat something for 21 days n it becomes a habit..maybe I should kick my phone out of bed like what I read online..
  4. Welcome to the family we r here to support each other in good times and bad times so feel free to speak your mind and share your experiences, there are many people who will greatly benefit, as many here suffer from depression too and they will help if they can.
  5. Have u tried inviting your friends over? Just a suggestion I have no idea whether it’ll work but we should brainstorm for a solution I guess cos your parents r a bit ridiculous. Have u tried telling them that too much control will just push u further away from them emotionally..? Ask them what proof do they need to trust u.. Yes they r v worried n want the best for their child in what they think is best, but this is a bit too much.
  6. I’m so sorry that you have all these questions in your head without any answers. I’m amazed you are still trying to find the answer. Is that really an answer if god really makes us bitter cos maybe the search is at the wrong place.. Is it maybe better to just forget about the many versions of god in people’s minds and just focus on the good that we can find. I gave up on questioning god cos there are too many versions and there is not one answer and if there are, they are based on that individual’s thoughts in their own mind and his life experience, thus I don’t know if logic is really the way cos logic is also just a perception in one’s mind, ask each leader of any religion and they say their religion and belief is logical in a way. If god is really omnipotent, god gains NOTHING from god creating humans, he gains not happiness nor appreciation nor does he gain knowledge cos he already knows everything that will happen anyway. But we gain many things from god creating humans. I personally do not believe in this eternal war between Satan and god, maybe I do believe in a bit of free will but it’s also hard, cos I have to believe somehow that god allows things to happen if it’s good for us and we have to believe that we ourselves do not know what is good for us cos we can never see the whole big picture. There are many parents who love their children but each one show their love in different ways either through money or items or touch or words or time etc. Give too much money and the child doesn’t know how to appreciate money, give too much material items and the child becomes a spoiled brat, give too much time and the child does not know how to be independent. I guess we need to have that faith and trust that god knows just how much to give us. Faith and trust that what he takes away is good for us. I guess to believe in the good in god, it’s really to have simple faith and trust. There is evil and there is good. There is heaven and there is hell. To believe in the good in god is to believe he is the best of judges and each person will receive their final judgement after death, based not only on their actions but their hearts which no one but god knows. It’s not easy at all to look at the bigger picture cos one can claim to leave everything up to god, but we forgot that each person have a responsibility to society and responsibility of free will, and do we use that free will to help others around us or just let it be. To believe in the good in god is to have faith and trust that god will stop the truck if it’s not good for us, cos god has stopped meteorites and god has created antibodies to stop virus and bacteria and he chooses who he wants to live and who he wants to die and who he wants to suffer so others can take care of that person. Faith and trust. I have found my answer but until u find a way to have faith and trust, the questions will definitely keep repeating in your head, which still do in mine once in a while cos life is never easy, so keep searching and always search in the right places. My two cents.
  7. “As yet I see little reason to change it.” yea having a reason is the push n pull factor. U have read up on how the human mind works I guess. Humans have abstract thinking, imagination, believes that can go so deep that each person can believe whole heartedly in their religion that their god is the right god. We can’t will ourselves to think once we know all this. Somehow our mind keeps us here on this earth yet it does not give us the reason to keep going. How did we get such a complex mind..what proof is there that all this is even real..what answer or reason r we humans supposed to be looking for..it irks me so that we have no way to control our mind n thinking..to reach that state of happiness that we are supposed to go for. Then again that state is probably the wrong goal. Maybe reaching a state of calmness in the mind should be a better goal. I don’t know. I don’t know anything cos I can’t believe in my mind anymore.
  8. Just got up and mum is nagging me..sigh..what’s a good morning really..I guess this is common n I should just appreciate that I still have a mum..I don’t know how one can have any energy to get up really..
  9. No no it’s fine it’s a free world u don’t need to apologise I’m just surprised someone actually reads my blog thanks so much
  10. Haha thanks so much @Bulgakov for your advice. I don’t have a goal. I can never meet my goal. I’m a total failure and I don’t see the point of having any goals cos I’ll fail them anyway like how I always fail them. My own happiness? Haha I can’t think of doing something for myself that will make myself happy cos that will make another person unhappy..my life is not my own.. These questions are just something to help me look at any small silver linings in my life. I hate how life is up and down. I know life is up n down and I wish I can exit it cos I can’t stand the down period. But since I can’t, this is my small tiny effort to try to live I guess. But any constructive help from anyone is much appreciated I have to keep trying..I don’t have much of a choice..
  11. Depressedgurl007

    I wish

    I wish I don’t feel the need to satisfy others. I wish I don’t feel the need to be honest. I wish I don’t feel the need for validation. I’m not proud of who I am. There is so much that I should be shameful for. There is so much of how I hate myself for being impatient and childish. There is so much I need to do to improve myself. But the desire to improve myself is somehow not there. What do I do. Time passes by but ever so slowly. My mind still living in the past and not moving forward. What can I feel incredibly grateful for right now? Grateful for my dad’s car. How could I feel excited right now? Seeing my baby in an hour’s time. How could I demonstrate love or excellence right now? FLY. First Love Yourself. I gotto forgive myself for saying the wrong things and promise myself not to repeat those wrong words. And love myself for trying to learn from my mistakes. The past don’t matter. People don’t care about me. And I should not care about those who do not care about me. Forgive myself and set myself free. What’s the main thought that will be most helpful for my life now? I gotto move on. What do I like about myself? I’m a nice person cos I can’t say no, which is not nice for me but it’s nice for others so ya..
  12. So today I’m going to the Institute of Mental Health for my appointment. I don’t like going there it’s a waste of time I feel. What difference does it make, there is still so much in life and in this world that is just so wrong, and living is such a troublesome thing with so many unnecessary things to do. Ugh. I really don’t feel like getting out of bed today. But what choice do I have. Today is going to be a great day.
  13. Wow been some time since I came here cos of insomnia. Maybe I drank tea quite late today and my body is so tired but my mind is wide awake. Gonna switch off my phone after this..and hope I don’t end up staring at the ceiling.. Good night DF thanks for being a safe spot for me.
  14. Interesting post to read on your development. I’ve been considering divorce myself but well you know. I hope to read more on your experience after all this. Life is painful and what you have gone through sounds terrible.. and those prayers that we do over and over again cos we’ve lost hope in ourselves with nowhere else to go.. I feel that hopelessness and desperation so much.. you are amazing to go through it and you’re still alive..sometimes I really wonder is there light at the end of this tunnel..
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