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Depressedgurl007

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  1. Depressedgurl007

    Calming myself down

    I hate myself. Every. Single. Time. I want to die. What’s the point. There is no point. It’s crazy. I don’t know what else to write. There’s so much negativity in my head. Again. I don’t really wanna talk about what happened but Tommy (my imaginary friend who doesn’t exist in real life) keeps insisting that I let it out. So here goes. Ok actually there’s nothing much to tell. We argued very badly with me shouting at mil even while carrying my daughter and I think that’s enough it’s not fair what I’m doing to my daughter all because I can’t control my anger every time I’m around mil. I packed my bag and left alone to my mum’s place and I plan never ever to go back cos it’s not my house n she doesn’t want me there either. My sis and her husband and two sons live with my mum and when I reached my mum’s place I felt hatred from my sis. So back to crying to sleep in a room different from my normal room. Cried cried cried cos of so much hatred towards myself. I’m ever so grateful to have people on DF around when I feel so down with nothing to live for. Sigh. Finally, after hours of negative illogical thoughts on I don’t know what to do and I want to die, the thoughts in my head managed to become a bit more logical to start answering the question “What can I do?”. I hate myself. Ok I know that. What can I do about it? A few things but I don’t know if they’ll work. What can I do for now? Now? I guess I should just accept what’s happened. There’s nothing I can do about the past. I wish and wish so much that all this did not happen. But it has, everyone was hurt very badly, but I can’t do anything about the past anymore. I’ve lived at a rental room before for a few months where I spent the majority of my time inside that small tiny room without going out. I was happy then, I think cos it was a room that I spent time to search for, it was a room I work to paid money for by myself and it was a room I myself decide to live in. I live at my parents place now and the feeling is very different. But I can pretend I’m back at that rental room. I can pretend to be happy and live here forever and do what I want when I want without anyone’s judgement. And that’s the decision I decide on so that I can stop crying. Sigh. Personal life aside, I still don’t like my job. I’ve never liked any job that I had so far. I get stressed up very easily and I still haven’t met the numbers my boss expect from everyone but I have to. And of course I hate myself for that. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Sigh. I have counselling tomorrow. My counsellor don’t understand having the thoughts I hate myself and I want to die repeating over n over again in my head. I even asked a friend out this weekend just because my counsellor told me to and I was blunt n told my friend the reason I’m asking her out is cos my counsellor asked me to. She has yet to reply me. It’s 7:35am on a Monday. I need to work to get that house that I registered for to be built that’ll only be ready in 2025. Sigh. I decided on a positive affirmation I want to use for the rest of my life: I am a strong and capable person and I have lots of strength within me.
  2. Thank u. I hang on so tightly to your words to hang in there. I don’t live among kind people like you, I don’t have anyone around me who tell me to hang in there. I only feel their hatred towards me and their wish for me to die. I don’t see things getting better at all.
  3. Another night of crying to sleep..if not for my daughter, I would be standing at the 30th storey and considering jumping down..I’m not strong. I’m weak. Pathetic. Worthless. The thoughts that run through my head knowing I can’t die. Life is not worth living.
  4. Hmm..well I live in Singapore.. we rank third in the most expensive housing market globally cos of how small we r..so we really have to save up even to get that government housing is not cheap n we don’t really have subsidised housing here..renting an apartment also takes away our savings..Anyway this the main reason husband give to not move out and it’s not just my decision to make but his too, so the compromise..sigh..
  5. The apartments here are very expensive and we don’t have the finances. We bought some cheaper government housing apartments currently still being built but it’ll only be ready in 2025 due to covid all that. It’s a very long wait. Thanks for all your replies everyone. Hubby managed to convince mil to let me stay. Not sure how long the peace will last but gotto be grateful I guess.
  6. Thank u so much for replying. I really really want to do this. I wish I can do this but it’s actually her house, there was a lot of heated discussion and so many ideas put on the table, and this is what’s decided in the end. It’s not fair she always wins! Life is so unfair!
  7. My mother in law kicked me out again, she passive aggressively stayed at her granddaughters place for three days and when hubby asked her to come back, she said I have to leave the house if he wants her to come back. I left that house a few times angrily but usually always come back to sleep there for the past two years since daughter came, cos it’s so unfair to give her instability. And now she really did kick me out again. Last time this happens was three or four years ago. Hello puffy eyes n sore throat n headache from crying every night. I hate how I’m physically ok with great parents with great food, when there’s so many people living in worse situations than mine, but I still feel my life is falling apart and still feel like dying. But what can I do? Get up, dust myself off, pick myself up, take one more step no matter how much I’m hurting from so many things around me. That’s all I can do Sorry I have to keep writing my pathetic story here. I don’t know where else I can let this all out..my hatred towards myself is too much for me
  8. I am a smart and capable person and I have lots of strength in me to live with a crazy mother in law who hates my guts.
  9. Coffee is a little bit addictive. It helps a bit to make me feel better but I try to limit to one cup a day, cos it’ll affect my sleep.
  10. Humans are such complex and difficult creatures I wish I don’t have to deal with them they always make me feel so irritable. Irritated with myself and every idiot around me.
  11. Another horrible horrible day. Really very exhausting to just live. And yet I’m still here breathing. When will my breath stop. But it won’t stop. Life still goes on. Still got to move my foot one more step forward, forever feeling like I deserve nothing good in life.
  12. Yes this is what I feel too. I am guessing communication is something we need to learn and we also gotto learn how to manage miscommunication without hitting ourselves, and gotto get over the repeated mistakes to learn but the fear is too real. I think my counsellor meant to say to journal not only the negative but small positive successes in our life, so that we can re read our small steps forward too, since our mind can’t do that for us. Like I absolutely fear going back to office the day before and have so many worst case scenarios running through my head it’s paralysing. But after coming back from office it’s actually not so bad. I always forget that bad things don’t always happen every minute of the day. Thanks for the hug ((hugs back))
  13. Yes I beat myself up even though I know I shouldn’t
  14. Really feel like just giving up on communication. No one understands me. I don't understand anyone. Everything I want to say in my head end up worded wrongly by my self-sabotaging mouth. I'm stumbling over my smallest failures. Is it cos I can't remember how I overcome my obstacles to get here? My counsellor once told me to write down and journal things so I can remember them later, so is it my laziness that makes me always fall on my face on the ground over n over again? Just let me stay in this hole forever cos I don't wanna get out and try again.
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