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Depressedgurl007

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  1. Depressedgurl007

    Break

    Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful, it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living. Heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful. -LR Knost I need another 6 month break from here. I’m taking a 6 month break from IG too. Hopefully reducing all the stimulation helps me focus on what really matters, helps me accept and helps me cry and helps me move on. Today is a horrible day, but I can cope without going online I know I can. Like I mentioned in another post, in learning how to raise my one daughter, I’m learning how important it is to be able to let them experience emotions and struggles so they know that things can get bad and it’ll intensify and it’ll reach a peak before things will get better and to get them to understand it’s a cycle. What’s important is to guide them to be able to bounce. When things happen and we feel really rotten and everything is awful and nothing is going right and we worry that it’ll keep going and it’ll never end but it can end, and that’s a part of the cycle of life. It’s the human experience to feel a whole range of difficult emotions, to go through periods of difficulty and giving up and hopelessness and yet still keep breathing and surviving. Most of us didn’t grow up understanding that cycle of life and we didn’t get that imprint. By Mark Manson: “We must address the emotional problem the compulsion is trying to numb or cover up. You compulsively eat tubs of ice cream each week. Why? Well, eating—especially sugary, unhealthy food—is a form of numbing. It brings the body comfort. It’s sometimes known as “emotional eating” and the same way an alcoholic drinks to escape her demons, the overeater eats to escape his. So, what are those demons? What is that shame? Find it. Address it. And most importantly: accept it. Find that deep, dark ugly part of yourself. Confront it, head on, allowing yourself to feel all the awful, icky emotions that come with it. Then accept that this is a part of you and it’s never going away. And that’s fine. You can work with this, rather than against it.” Ok, I will go now and maybe I won’t even come back 6 months later, we shall see, many things can happen in 6 months. I hope I can grow. And I hope, I really hope I can feel good to wake up tomorrow. Start with gratitude. Acceptance of the demons.
  2. Nope I’m at my parents place and I still feel overwhelmed. Just shows I’m the problem and not my mil causing the problem. I was Overwhelmed with work, housing, emails, people, just everything. I’m a bit better now but still afraid of what tomorrow will bring, always afraid. I hope u do get the help u need NJ. Not all counselling is helpful. Sometime we just need to be around people who say the right things to help us cope
  3. I’m sorry Juno about your Dad Just wanna say apart from your dad, what u wrote is almost exactly what I feel. I just want to escape, every single minute of the day when my mind starts wondering, I just want to escape from what i am forced to do (which is live) n the consequences is what u mentioned..u just put into words what’s always on my mind.. I think I should start accepting my reality sucks and just cry then maybe I won’t have the desire to escape so much.. I dunno..
  4. I am very very overwhelmed. Social media and phone affects me a lot plus all the things happening in my life, but my self control is bad and my self esteem is getting worse. I have bad things n also opportunities happening to me but I’m so overwhelmed I’m falling apart
  5. Tonight is one of the nights I wish I will never ever wake up to see the morning but I know I will.. sigh.. Will tomorrow be a better day? Hopefully? Goodnight everyone. Have a good night rest.
  6. I don’t know if I’m being kicked when I’m down, or if I’m just the person who breaks down at every small obstacle in life (and obstacles r there every single day), or I just want to run away from being responsible for myself and my family. Can I dig a hole and stay there for the rest of my life
  7. It does actually. It’s gets better. Then it gets worse. Then it gets better again. Then it gets worse again. And it’s a cycle and I wonder when I can leave this cycle. But yea, I’m feeling meh ok. Just got to keep searching for solutions to my problems. But at this moment, the good does outweigh the bad.
  8. Thanks. It still is very hard. I only force myself to type and write it down but do I really forgive myself? The regrets will come back the next day or the day after that. Gets me so angry and upset. But gotto keep trying sigh.. Thanks, knowing we r not alone is a good thing I guess
  9. I keep trying n I keep trying n I keep trying but for what???? There’s no results!!!! Is there??!! I don’t know what to do. Waking up crying is really one of the worst feeling ever. I don’t want to live. Again. And again. And again. I don’t understand why I keep coming back to this train of thoughts. The thoughts of wanting to die but I’m stuck here on this earth cos I’m a coward. Why! Is it something I will never understand but I just need to accept it as a part of my life?? Want it or not, I have to get up, I have to face people, I have to go to work, I have to keep going on and on and on every day the same thing. Living apart from my husband is so very hard cos communicating gets harder. Give me a reason to keep going. Be grateful? I guess I can be grateful. My gratitude journal which I don’t write everyday: 170521: Today, I am grateful that we get to interact n visit relatives, Hubby stayed home with me on Sunday, and my daughter looks so cute in the clothes I bought her! 200521: Today, I am thankful to be able to play with my niece and nephew, eat fried Bee Hoon and seeing my grandma to reconnect. 080821: Today, I am grateful to be able to see my daughter in person again even though I’m not living with her and being able to kiss and hug her in person, for McDonald’s hash browns! and also for having a father whom I can let my thoughts out to. 200821: Today, I am thankful for Burger King, my husband thinking of my feelings for my daughter by calling me, my colleague whining to me.. is it funny thing to be grateful for..ya it is very very funny.. and that’s ok cos I feel what she feels too.. 130921: Today I am grateful to have my dad to drive me to and from the hospital, to have my husband who replies to my messages, to have DF where people actually understand why I’m so unhappy, rather than being around my family who thinks I’m not doing enough to get myself out of this rut. But whatever, there are people like that and there’s nothing I can do about it so why even go there when there’s other places I can go to to make me feel better. Of course, every time I write this journal, I’ll think that why do I have so many good things n yet I still feel unhappy. I am so much better off than others. But at the same time I feel a tiny bit better cos the universe is not constantly kicking me but still gives me some good things. I gotto love and forgive myself for all my mistakes, the past mistakes and the future mistakes that I am going to make. Cos I’m human and humans make mistakes and that is the human experience. It’ll get better. I have to tell myself that and repeat it everyday. It’ll get better. This is the cycle of life. It’ll get better.
  10. I had a good week the week before. Good weeks don’t last. Now im back to sleeping wishing I never wake up, and waking up wishing im dead. And I keep blaming myself for putting myself this way. I might just cry to sleep tonight. Life is so exhausting
  11. Same here. It’s a horrible feeling when people around me dont understand me, especially if it’s my own family whom I can’t get away from.
  12. Feel like I just got hit by another truck. How do I get back up again with all this pain.
  13. Everyone who has the strength to pull away from the cravings and addictions are amazing people. I’m one of those who cant
  14. I’m crying a lot today.. one of those days when I can’t remove the thoughts of my bleak pathetic future and I don’t even want to pluck up the energy to find a way to change my future cos I hate myself so much.
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