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Depressedgurl007

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About Depressedgurl007

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  1. Woke up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep when I saw a certain message. Sigh.
  2. Depressedgurl007

    Hade a nice day

    I love the beach this is beautiful.
  3. Horrible. Hate myself. Same old things happening over and over again. No way out.
  4. It’s been like this for many years I guess I just needed a place to vent. He can’t stand my attitude and anger management issues and depression and he said to give him a week to decide. I still love him n I’m trying so hard to just take one step forward every single day, but if I’m only making him worse then there’s nothing I can do. Only time will tell. Thanks for asking it means a lot to me.
  5. again we are talking about separation. AGAIN. if the courts are open now i would go there and submit the separation papers now.
  6. still awful. horrible. terrible. really how am i supposed to get out of this hole? i can't take it anymore.
  7. Depressedgurl007

    13 reasons

    I took a short break from df in March and I came back but I still feel horrible. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when everything I do is still wrong. When her face still frustrates and irritates me but I try my best not to move a single muscle when I feel horrible cos every action I make will be wrong. "13 Reasons Why...to Live." by Ana Nogales, Ph.D. 1. Life is an invitation to learn. We can learn something from every moment, good or bad. 2. Life is not static; it's in constant movement, much like the waves of the ocean. Each wave that comes brings with it new experiences, and each one is different. Just as the bad waves can sometimes show no mercy, the good ones come along and refresh us. Nothing lasts forever. 3. Life is a gift; some people depart too soon and don’t have the fortune to know life. Those who have it should enjoy it. 4. Our lives are not only our own. They also belong to those who surround us. We should take care of ourselves because we are important to others—even though we sometimes forget it. 5. Each new day is a new experience. If we don't live it, we won't know what we’re missing. 6. We are the designers of our life. It is our challenge to find beauty, even—and especially—when the opposite occurs. Finding beauty in the world is possible and brings countless rewards. 7. We all live through experiences that leave scars. However, there is always someone to give us a hand during those difficult times. The important thing is to accept that help. 8. Making an effort to deal with problems can make us aware of how strong we really are. Life's challenges don't exist only to upset us—they exist so that we understand ourselves better and get to know who we really are. 9. To live is to discover something about ourselves of which we were not aware. 10. To live is to look at ourselves in the mirror and discover a message of love in our own eyes. 11. To live is to allow ourselves to fall in love—with someone, with something, or with life itself. 12. Viewing death as a source of meaning can be comforting for many—but rather than using this as an argument in favor of suicide, it's critical to leverage such a perspective in order to make the most of life while it lasts. 13. Death is waiting for each of us anyway; why call on it before our time? Is this helpful? Do I feel better after reading this? I want to say yes, but I'm only at 50%, and it's still going down. Can I not try? No. Can I give up? No. Do I have a choice? No.
  8. I've been crying on and off and 3 hours later I still feel horrible. Why am I alive. Why do I try. Cos I got no choice. Life is unfair is a fact. Getting hit at the most unexpected turn and knowing there's nothing I can do to stop the pain cos it'll always be there.
  9. Thanks so much for your reply both of you.. your confidence in me means so much to me and gives me motivation since I have no confidence in myself. No, I'm not taking any medication cos I can't afford to be on it forever. I might go there one day but not now since I feel I can still live without it. I still hate this disease..some days I can't see anything positive at all..the truth you mentioned is always there but without your help to pull me out I will still believe how unworthy I am.. Anyway to update..hubby fell sick with high blood pressure and she came back home, and I guess things got back to normal..my normal being me walking around broken glass everyday with fear of offending her. Getting a house of our own will still take a long time since my country is still under partial lock down. Also, I got offered a 1 year contract job after 8 months of being jobless. I kind of still feel unqualified for the job and feel very nervous for my first day cos I fear I will let everyone around me down when I can't meet their expectations and make many mistakes. I want to say getting a job offer have lifted my depression a bit.. but frankly it's still kinda there.. I know it's good news and I should be grateful but it's just a flat feeling of yea okay I'm lucky somehow.
  10. Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate replies on my posts even though my posts are long and I seldom come here. Your suggestion @Nightjar is very true, to be calm and firm when talking to her. I wish I can be calm and firm. Somehow I always start out calm and firm but after a few minutes, the way she never understand me gets on my nerves and I end up blowing up. I have anger management issues that I can't just dismiss my anger. Five days later and she still has not come back home. I feel so guilty still. It's hard that I need her to take care of my child, so I have to follow her ways. I wish I'm not dependent on her taking care of my child. It's disappointing to celebrate an annual celebration without her this Sunday, and we usually celebrate it together as a family and this year would be totally different. I hate how she always mess things up. They said I make such a big issue out of a small thing, but she can make it an even bigger issue than I ever did. Sigh. And every time we argue, my hubby does bring up moving out. But in many past arguments, he gives in and ends up just continue staying with her cos he says he wants to save money to start on a business. This time around, he brings up moving out again so tonight we might talk to a property agent. Anyway, just to put it out there, the interview went okay, they actually said they will get back to me next week with an offer after seeking approval from their management. I'm not sure if that means I am already offered a job or not. Sigh. I'm still on my toes and still down from being jobless. I should be grateful there's some silver lining but I don't want to get my hopes up and be brought down again. I'm still not out of this hole. I always feel like I'm a terrible person who always runs away from people and problems. I can't talk to people, I can't understand them and I only think of myself and my priorities. I have no self-esteem and always feel like I'm unworthy and I am always letting people down.
  11. what am i trying to achieve by even posting here. i'm sick and tired of this life. i don't know what's the point of being here. i can't do anything right. everything i'm doing is wrong. i hate myself so much. i have been jobless since last year and i have a job interview tomorrow and i'm not even practicing for it. my mother in law hates me cos i'm rude. i hate myself cos i'm rude and can't control my actions when i'm angry. i live in her house but yest she got so angry with me she left the house to go stay at her other son's place and she said she is gonna stay there for the next few weeks. it's my fault and i regret my actions for banging the door. god i just want to die. what's the point of doing anything. i tried listening to positive affirmations on youtube it doesn't help. i called the suicide helpline yesterday and today i still feel like shit. i don't even know what's wrong with me. i'm always making a small matter big. it was a stupidly small matter i dont know why i got so fed up with her. all i did was carry my baby from the living room to my room and she had to make noise and say that i shouldn't be carrying her cos she will get used to it and it will be hard on her to take care of the baby if i go back to work. i got angry cos she herself carry my baby a lot, and my hubby also carry my baby a lot, why the hell can't i carry her for a short distance from the living room to my room. i got angry and stomp out of the house and bang the door and the gate on my way out. when i came back she was very mad at me. i shouldn't have done that. i should have just walked away quietly instead of announcing to everyone how mad i am. nobody understands me. nobody hears me. god i've been living with her for 7 years and yet i'm still not used to her nagging and yet i still haven't learn to control my actions. i know she is sensitive and have very conservative views on respect and life itself. yet why did i bang the door i should have known she will get mad. "you can't control what others say. you can control what you do when someone says something unkind" how hard is it to remember that. god i hate myself for being an idiot. and even now hubby say she is too mad so i shouldn't say sorry now i should let her cool down first. 24 May is the annual celebration of my people where we go visiting parents and friends and share food and cookies and it sucks that i had to lose control one week before the celebration. i hate myself and just wish to die. i don't even know why i'm posting here. i don't like posting cos there's seldom any replies and yet here i am posting. for what. so what if some unknown people hear me. will that make my mother in law calm down and come back home? it sucks that i feel damn awful when she is around and i feel damn awful when she is not around. cos it's my fault. it's all my fault. i hate myself and just wish to die. but i can't of course. what the hell is the point of anything. i am forever unheard life is forever unkind and i have to accept that i'm a nuisance in this world. i hate myself. can i please hate myself less and practice some job interview questions.
  12. Depressedgurl007

    Running away

    from problems. Sometimes I find myself saying I hate myself I don't want to live anymore. On better days, I would reply those thoughts with, I hate these problems in life I don't want to face all these problems in life. But what choice do I have. None. Zero. Zilch. Gotto force myself. But still, I have to fight. As tired as I am, as tiring as this world gets, but still, I have to fight. I'm gonna take a three months break from here, like the many breaks I have taken over my 10 years here. Gotto focus on other areas of my life. I have a baby now, a responsibility to earn money to feed the child. Where will I be in June, that's anyone's guess. Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be.
  13. Don’t want to face the world. Been making too many mistakes. I’m never good enough. But I gotta still try 😞
  14. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Life can be such a pain and what is the point really. I hope u find the reason to keep trying and I hope there’s some light at the end of your tunnel even if it’s small. Hang in there.
  15. oh is it your birthday too? Happy birthday! Lol birthday twins. Wishing life gets better for u this year.
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