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Depressedgurl007

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About Depressedgurl007

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  1. I want to disappear. I don't want to deal with people, with work, with the pain of knowing I am causing people problems.
  2. I guess it depends how u feel towards your experience of previous relationships..? But when it’s good, it’s really good. The in love feeling. Heartbreaks can be horrible but they can teach us a lot and make us more mature. There is always a risk. Those ppl who got a divorce never expected their spouses to cheat or that they would get a divorce too. No one marries someone else thinking it will end. You got to be willing to take the risk n be practical about it. It can swing from one end of the pendulum to the other end. That’s why I’m always on the fence on where to go with this And without this place, I would never get the support I need to keep going.
  3. I think I will do that when I get tired of pretending. But the problem is my skill to throw my true feelings aside is very good. I’m great at pretending to be happy when I need to. The worst skills in the world.
  4. I feel like shit, horrible, worthless ..all this act of pretending to be happy and pretending that life is actually worth living. I still have to wrap up that shit horrible worthless feeling and place it in a corner and continue pretending to be happy. I hate this life. I have everything. But I still hate it. I should really just separate. I’m tired of pretending in this marriage. But if I leave there are many consequences which I don’t want to face. That’s why I hate my life. But yet I still pretend that I’m happy.
  5. Depressedgurl007

    Why

    Thank u for your wise words of encouragement. Some days I can feel myself sitting on the fence and one side is this darkness and negative words while the other side is positive feelings that are hiding behind trees. It’s so much easier to fall to the side of negativity and let them lose in my head. I realise I can be very aware of where I am and what I can let myself fall to. When shit happens and hell breaks lose, I have this person in me who will keep telling me to focus on what I can control. But it still feels like I have to force myself to choose to do those things that I really do not but it makes me a better person if I do it. Like talking to my MIL to sort things out when I feel like ******* her. But feelings are a different matter, cos the feeling of how horrible n useless our efforts are will still be lingering there and it will push its way out through all the tears. You are probably right that it’s a paradigm shift but how do we live our lives to let happiness in..? I probably am already living that way but the happiness still takes a lot of digging out. Thanks so much for your encouragement. Again I can choose to let your words sink in and put it on repeat in my head. Or let my negativity take over instead. That’s the choice I mean I guess. I think I’ll choose to put your words close to my heart. Thank u @samadhiSheol
  6. Sleep, wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work, eat.. on repeat..
  7. Depressedgurl007

    Trying again

    What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create. -Buddha. I won’t give up. Just grateful that I’m strong enough. I ask for strength, and god gave me difficulties to make me strong. He is a sly one. Take it or leave it. Choose my hard. What’s the point? There is no point. There has never been a point. And yet I keep trying to find it. The purpose of my life.
  8. What holds most of us here back is our lack of faith in ourselves. It’s ok to quit or fail 1000 times. But keep that clear picture of where you want to be n focus on what u can control. Got to keep trying even though it seems impossible. You are a wonderful human being. Have faith in yourself. Im just consoling myself at the same time.. we know how hard it is..
  9. When it gets very bad n u just want to disappear but u can’t cos u have responsibilities, so instead of wasting time staring at the ceiling, u drag yourself to do them..do u end up doing everything in slow motion n end up taking hours to do a single task? N u realise u have wasted time anyway? N end up hating yourself n hating this world n then hating yourself again cos the pathetic one is me? Is it just me? How do I get out of it? This seems to be happening the last few days n it’s just not getting any better
  10. I read your post I really wish I can help u..I’m in quite a bad place myself. Just know we r supporting u and u deserve to see your kids! u r their mother and without u, they would never be around.. u have fought so much to do your best for them, keep fighting with all u got!
  11. Sigh didn’t we go through this 4 years ago n after the results came out, even more people fall into depression? And now history repeats itself. And 4 years later we will face this again. There’s no win for anyone.
  12. Depressedgurl007

    Why

    Why do I always end up back to this same old spot. This ridiculous voices that keep saying I hate myself. I hate my life. I'm so stupid. I don't want to live. I want to die. I hate everything. What's the point. There is no point. Why can't I just die. Life is so stupid. Is it because I stopped making effort to be grateful? Cos of my stress at work? I hate being so lost and irritated and angry and depressed. I can't do anything. I can't do house chores, I can't work. I just freeze and stare into space with all these voices in my head. I want to quit my job but I feel horrible if I do that cos my boss is someone who knew me before I got the job and he took me in with expectations that I can work hard for the company. I didn't tell him about my depression of course. Who would. I'm just so tired of all this. My marriage is again going down the drain. If I quit this job, how bad would it look on my resume since I'm not even 5 months into the job. And its really very very recent that I remember how clearly I hated myself for being jobless and searching for a job made me hit my lowest point too. But looks like it doesn't matter if I'm jobless or have a job. Both ways my depression will still hit me. I'm just so very disappointed in myself. I'm so useless. I want to die. And yet I still have to force myself to get up and clean the kitchen. Why am I always asking the same old questions. Why am I struggling so hard? I hate myself, I hate how my mind keeps telling me I don't want to keep going on anymore, I don't want to, cos I don't see any point in it. My first daughter is exactly 15 months old today. I feel like a horrible mother that I can't even tell myself to work up the energy and motivation to be a good mother and work hard for my daughter's health and happiness. Hah. Ahahah. Hahahahahaha. I haven't put this on DF yet but maybe I should just be truthful to whoever actually have been following me and my horrible marriage for the past few years.. I doubt anyone does sigh. My daughter is adopted. We have been trying to conceive for 7 years with no results, so we decided to go for adoption and somehow we managed to avoid being detected for the terrible marriage we have and the mental health issues I face. They did detect it, but we manage to lie through them somehow. And I feel absolutely horrible because I am not suitable at all to raise a child. I can't handle the stress and pressure of work, of husband, of mother in law plus a child on top of that. Some other couple should have gotten her and that couple could have raised her in a much better environment that I can ever give her. Some people would hate me for taking her as my child when I know I cannot raise her. Do I feel better for putting this out there? Maybe I guess. I'm just gonna end up forcing myself and dragging my feet again. Gonna talk to my counselor tomorrow. I've never thought these sessions help me. But what can I do but keep trying. This too shall pass, but I still hate riding this storm. I hate myself but I can't do anything about it except continue swimming in this sea of depression. I still have this phrase pinned up. Is it true? Is it not? But it's pinned up anyway: Happiness is a choice. I am the only one who can make me happy. I am as happy as I choose to be.
  13. Sigh I have the same problem. I dunno what to do about it yesterday I tried a bit of meditation it helped a bit I think. Today the voices r back. Maybe I’ll try a bit more meditation again..download some apps on it..the thing is it’ll help for awhile but after some time they come back..maybe I need to level up my skills on meditation..it’s so tiring trying to find ways to help ourselves..
  14. I hope the meeting went ok. It’s not as bad as the anxiety we feel before the meeting. And even after the meeting I still feel that I’m never good enough. I’m so sick n tired of this. @JD4010 I really wish the best for u and want u to get out of that wheel n have more confidence in yourself because ur a great amazing employee who push yourself, others do not tell u but u are. So believe in yourself! Sometimes I need a pep talk but sometimes it doesn’t help. So I come here to vent out. This pain in life is itself a vicious cycle.
  15. Is it bad if I tell u to do what’s best for u? If I do go, I have to make preparations for my family, my daughter, my parents, telling them n preparing them for a life without me. Will u do preparations too..? Or just leave them as they are..? But sometimes I plan n I don’t do it. It’s when things are at its worst that I just leave everything n do it..more to run away forever from stress..N I stopped doing self harm cos I’m very aware of myself. Im very self conscious in doing so that things will not improve, it’s still the same! If I go I plan to make sure its not halfway done. it’s terrible knowing that I’m blessed with many things that others don’t have n life should not be empty but it is empty n I don’t feel blessed
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