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Depressedgurl007

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About Depressedgurl007

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  1. Sigh..I don’t know if my lack of motivation is just that or if it’s a bad habit or is it laziness 😞
  2. Was feeling ok till someone offended me and I’m like should I bring it up and tell that person or just suck it up and let it go to avoid any consequences. Of course I choose the suck it up. And that makes me feel worse. But I’ve given up on trying. Whatever comes just let it hit me.
  3. Feeling useless, pathetic, a failure who can’t do anything right. I’m a pain to the world and nothing I do can ever change that, so I give up. Just leave me and let me die in this hole.
  4. I can’t do this anymore. Why do I keep trying. What’s there worth trying for. I’m sick of this life, I’m sick of myself, I’m the worst idiot in the world, a freak that’s too cowardly to **** herself. I have nothing worth living for. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to live this life. I don’t want to get up to face her. But what choice do I have. I always end up pushing myself cos I really got no choice. I’m the idiot who married and stupidly agreed to live with her. I only have myself to blame. If I had known all this would happen, would I have disagreed to marry and just remain single for the rest of my life while all my sisters and cousins get married and have children? Why why why why I constantly ask myself, what is so nice about getting married and how do the others handle it? Of course they probably have more understanding families than I do. Or they have more resilience than me. Whatever it is, here I am in this house that’s not mine with a daughter I’m now responsible for but yet for the life of me I don’t feel like she is my daughter at all and so so many time I want to just give her up and give her to other families. Why why why why why did I ask for a child. Why do I ask for things then regret asking for it. Why did I ask for marriage then regret asking for it. Why does everything have to end up with problems after problems after problems. What the hell am I supposed to do. Just accept that life sucks, there’s never a solution cos every solution comes with its own set of problems and there’s no ending to it. None. Zero. Ziltch. I gotto force myself. Keep forcing myself. Just keep swimming forward even though all I feel like doing is running away. But I can’t. There’s just nothing I can do about it. I hate how there is nowhere for me to go to, no one that can help me out. Except for myself. I’m blaming myself a hundred percent cos I’m the one who can’t control my emotions. Where is the story at now.. So mil refused to give me the house keys cos of some incident some time ago where I keep running away and she said I treat the house like a hotel..fine..if you take away the keys then open the door when I press the doorbell for goodness sake..oh u can’t cos ur feeding the baby? Then gimme back the house keys so u don’t have to run to the door when I’m at the door..does that not make your life easier? Do I not sleep there at night cos my husband is there? Are my clothes not all at your house? Where else am I supposed to go? Ok so now it’s my fault cos I’m impatient when waiting for u to finish feeding the baby just so u can answer the door..oh it’s my attitude? Of course it’s my attitude cos u take away the house keys and make me feel unwelcome in the house. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. What the hell am I supposed to do about it? Change my attitude. Right. Just snap my fingers and I can change my attitude to love you. Of course it’s so easy why did I not think of that?
  5. I’m just very depressed right now. Can I afford to just lay in bed for twenty four hours? No, I can’t. I’m lost, there’s no hope for me, nothing I do will amount to anything, all my efforts are just stomped on. What can I do but just cry till I can’t cry anymore.
  6. Feeling tired early in the morning..We put our names in a ballot for some cheaper apartments in our area that is being built..hoping we get one of the apartments..1936 people have applied for them..out of only 1092 units available, we will only know the results of the ballot late December and I don’t like to hope that I can them..but here I am hoping..will my hopes be crushed..only time will tell..
  7. Depressedgurl007

    Morning Pages

    I want to say I’m tired, I want to say I’m beaten, I want to say I’m breaking down.. but can I say all that..does saying negative words make my day worse and should I be saying positive affirmations instead..should I be grateful that I managed to sleep last night..should I be grateful that I still have my appetite..grateful for the little things like the delicious tidbits my sis gave me..grateful that even though this house is toxic, I can still travel to my sis place..grateful that I have a nice sister..grateful that things can be worse but they are not..its easy to forget to love myself..it’s easy to forget to forgive myself..but I’m holding on to feeling grateful..I know there are things to be grateful for..I just have to force myself to search for them..
  8. I suddenly feel grateful to have understanding people like you guys around. I’ve really been feeling very low even now wishing I can just run away from my responsibilities..nobody in this house understands me and small communications with them always leaves a bitter feeling that gets worse throughout the day..just.. thanks for understanding..
  9. It doesn’t end really.. the feelings n thoughts come back in the morning n in the afternoon..and times when I least expect it..it spoils everything..not that everything is nice in the first place..I hate riding it out..I hate my thoughts..I hate this house..I hate how hard it is to be grateful..grateful for your kind words..grateful for a roof over my head..grateful for a place to vent..I feel so sick forcing myself to try again n again n again..but what choice do I have..I have no choice but to continue living this life whether I want to or not.. I’m sorry I’m such a downer..maybe ur right..maybe these nights will end one day..I just wish they will end faster..I don’t know how long I can endure all this..
  10. I want to die. Tonight is a horrible horrible night. I’m tired of roller coasters. Just get me off already please. This sea of hatred towards myself..it’s never ending..
  11. Feeling a bit better this morning compared to the past few days of emotional roller coasters. Still doing things I don’t want to do, still hating myself when past memories come up, but why should I keep thinking of them..I’m grateful that I can feel grateful..cos those days when I can’t feel grateful can be so horrible..
  12. Depressedgurl007

    Today

    Today is not permanent The living will die The beginning has an end Everything is temporary Everything will be gone Nothing is eternal Friends do not stay forever Happiness has a limit One thing is for sure We are all waiting for death Death will one day come ... Been arguing a lot these past few days. Feeling so horrible. And the words I hate myself just keep repeating in my head. I hate myself for saying the wrong things. I hate myself for raising my voice. I hate myself for getting so irritated so easily. I have a feeling it’s because it’s the time of the month that I’m getting irritated over all the small things but that doesn’t stop the horrible horrible feeling I have.
  13. Thanks for your kind words. Yea I guess communication is practice. We can read up on it but it’s also mostly practice.
  14. Hello and welcome to DF. How are you feeling today?
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