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SleelingAtLast

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  1. Into the void-Aurora B.Polaris On my artist binge for the past few days,good song but warning to listener "it's pretty sad" but beautiful in its own light....
  2. Watched the sun comes up,pondered a bit and set myself in my state of majestic bliss for awhile....then worked on some of my cars (gearhead) for a few hours,I'm building a BMW 328i from scratch and also installing a true competition grade system in my 95 mustang gts ...and went Christmas shopping again bc everytime I buy something I don't know if it will get the message across to my loved ones that I love them enough so I end up going back out every other day and getting more stuff lol...the pile is getting huge 😂...now I'm relaxing, writing, conceptualizing some theories of mine in some fields most find boring listening to some chillcore and expressing myself with my DF friends
  3. What shows do you hate? Me:Yes Most shows are unrelatable especially reality shows (cosmic irony anyone? Got an extra slice or two)...I just hate drama and intense emotional outbursts without a strong basis...
  4. SleelingAtLast

    Petty Things

    So a guy came up to me and one of my lady friends the other night and gave me a piece of paper that said he was homeless,no food etc. (you know the story) and that he was mute and couldn't speak...the sorrow I felt in his eyes was true... luckily I speak sign,and conversed with him a bit about life in general etc. I gave him what I had in my wallet (Im a spend money for the day kind of guy,and am really good at math so everything is covered anyways and at the end of the day any money I have left over,I don't feel I need anyways) but I gave it to him...and some random guy was like he's probably on meth etc. And I laughed at him,I didn't care what his burdens was,the only thing that mattered in the moment...was he needed help,and I had it to give. Don't care much for the details...bc the point is much simpler than the reasons for him to ask or me to give...you got them some gifts,that's all that really matters isn't it? You thought about them when maybe no one else did...and the small anxieties,well I can relate too. (Little background on me I have PTSD) and I wanna hang out or enjoy places,events or things with people but it's hard...sounds and movement put me in a survival state of mind again and it's so heavy in the civilian world,but I overcome it sometimes with shear strength or will... speaking to others isn't my thing and I'm a silent kind of guy...but I throw on a smile and speak to people if I need too. And it really isn't that bad in the end...of course PTSD is funny in the sense that it is gonna be there anyways no matter what I do to overcome it in the moment I still come full circle to fight it again whether it be 5min or 5hrs, my brain is just wired different now from being in a life or death situation for too long... doctor's say it's as "simple" as that lmao 🤣... remember what I said about the present and how the past and future only exist in that state? ...once it's over with,you'll be like it wasn't that bad or that was simple/easy,why did I worry...so think about how everything will go right and if it doesn't work like that (bc it usually doesn't) turn it into something fun,a game or an adventure for you and your family in the end...change it up a bit...good or bad,it will atleast be an experience rather than a chore...or a burden 🙂 wish you luck!
  5. SleelingAtLast

    Demons

    You're welcome, it's your story to tell,your heart,mind and soul to discover...I hope you can reach the moment that everything just clicks for you,my demons are fierce but starving...I still get sad,I still hurt and still fight with them,but I choose to go to a place they can't for awhile sometimes...of course,I was isolated from human interaction for so long I'm sure I can be pretty outlandish sometimes...or maybe I'm the normal one now? Who knows ...either way... whether you believe you are the light or just an object in it's path,keep discovering,keep fighting and keep trying,ever seen a flashlight in the distance on a moonless night? What will...and what strength that light must have to weather against the darkness so enveloped,so omnipotent...yet it shines...and so do you
  6. Well under the assumption life had no meaning overall then it would still have meaning if only defined by our own ideals, but those ideals would be different even if the idea that life had no overall meaning was universal bc we as humans might as well be our own gods (no offense to any specific religion as I respect them all). I have many different theological ideas,some relatively simple and others I could write 10,000 pages just to put it in it's shell,let alone define it but I don't know,I believe in something more powerful than "me" even if that thing turns out to be "me" (sentient life itself or even the existence of life itself) or something more complex or even unimaginable by standard human definition, But does life have meaning? Sure,IMHO ...it may not be the glorified, overwhelming meaning you want,but meaning nonetheless...I personally believe the most majestic thing is that we even exist at all to begin with...let alone being conscious enough to ponder that existence...or define meaning (no matter how small) into it. A beautiful notion is the thing of life to begin with isn't it...maybe the meaning of life is to live, because if you put it into that perspective...isn't it majestic enough to exist at all? What kind of odds we're we really up against? Astronomical? Surely much bigger...if the equation was ever put into perspective...we wouldn't see it anyways bc we are still in it. Maybe a being before time existed sacrificed and gave it's life to create the universe,time,the four forces etc. It's fingers are the doers,its mind are the thinkers,it's heart are the lovers etc. (obviously all symbolism) but who really knows? Not knowing doesn't have a good track record for us humans lol but why not find peace in being alive,and if we don't have a mansion in the sky to go to after all, wouldn't that make our lives all the more valuable in the end...to have a true end...defines meaning in something,the sun itself will burn out one day,and when it does...the life that it fed for billions of years would define it's majesty...a meloncoly mixture of nostalgia would fill our hearts as we drove away into the other stars watching it fade out..but that meloncoly is why it "was" something...bc we existed to give it meaning,just like life...just like everything. But bc it had an end to meet means it evolved us,taught us,allowed us to grow...bc we all know we took it for granted,but still on occasion appreciated the beauty of it setting and rising...so we loved it. Life goes on,it's just recycled. The same metaphors can be applied to everyone and everything else. I should be gone in a few years (doctor's predict),what will my definition be I wonder? Well that's for the ones still here to find,to comprehend and understand...to become wise for it,I was hated,loved,sad and happy,I felt love and gave it,I felt anger and I felt regret,change and lost so much and even gained some...all definitions of being alive...and after the day comes when my "light" burns out I will surely fade with time...and be forgotten,but others will still feel the essence of life so far from then...they won't know my name,or that I ever existed at all but an impact on this universe no matter how infantismaly small or "insignificant" I will have made,even on those in the future...bc though a grain of sand is nothing in your hand,upon it's back it still holds the ocean,seek meaning by defining it for yourself DF friends and live that definition.
  7. SleelingAtLast

    Demons

    I'm sorry you feel the way you do,I oftentimes find myself in the past... wishing I would've changed a moment I know for a fact I couldn't have changed,yet I still fight that "demon" of regret,but I guess I have my angels too... equilibrium is the essence of the universe spiritually but in reality everything is unique,no? No weight is the same,all things exist separate even down to the nanoscopic levels...time itself shifts in spaces so small,perhaps instead of looking out ,look inwards...the "light" doesn't exist for you to perceive but for you to evoke,darkness is the constant,a true force...but to evoke the light is to fight the dark...you are the "light" you speak of,you don't see the light as much as it seeks you out from the veil of the darkness,and demons (metaphorically) don't exist in the light...but instead wrap you in the velvety darkness of depression and self-hatred (hiding the light),sure...make peace with them,like the wild wolves just beyond the treeline...but never try to tame them or let them in your home. Focus on the now,bc if you think about it...the past and the future only exist bc we perceive it...had we not been sentient beings to create meaning...there would be none,as such,the future and past only exist bc we allow the illusion to stand,the past and future only exist in the present...only in us. There will come a moment in time when only one man is left...and that moment will pass,and there will be nothing to show we was ever even here,but we're we not? Maybe it's too much to worry about... leaving a mark on the universe is a heavy burden,but to leave marks on ones own soul may be worth more than the symbolism of the whole universe in it's infinite glory,we are small and not even note worthy in the grand scheme...but bc we aren't,it makes it all worth so much more,if I was a god... nothing I did would be special, nothing I created would have significance...it would just "be" ...find your value not in the way the light shines on you but in the way you perceive the light...bc you evoke the light... -Just my 2 cents,I like to provoke thought and ponderance in others bc it always helped me...but if it doesn't...you have a meaning and a story either way,a significance and a value...and you will find it eventually,self discovery is just one of the roads on the way...
  8. The vision of light -Aurora B.Polaris (Chillcore) Recommended for anyone with an existential crisis or seeking a reverberated background creativity kind of flow...
  9. My Big Day They've all gathered here today, A feeling I've never had the chance to feel in my heart, They all actually came, And traveled so far, I've never had people show up for me, As a child my parents never came for me to the school, I watched the other patents and children in joy, As I set alone in the back of the room, But they're here today, My hands are shaking, I'm dressed in a suit, And all my composure it's taking, I've never had a suit before, So nervously I struggle to tidy, Not long now, Until I must meet everyone and they meet me, The church is so beautiful, The sun is brilliant outside without fade, Everyone has showed up, For my big day, I leave from the back, And walk with a slow pace, As I walk down the isle, With a shy smile on my face, They're all here for me, All dressed up and sharp, And outside waits for me and my future, With white letters on the windows of a beautiful black car, I'll leave this place and never look back, It's a sad thought but it's what they would've wanted...I'm sure of that, The preacher stands just up ahead, Ready to seal this sacred eternal bond, And people waiting near the front, All of which I am the most fond, My most beloved is yet to walk the isle, To meet me in this most majestic moment, I'm deeply nervous for our meeting, So to keep my obligation I'll no longer postpone it, I finally reach the front, The people no longer speak, And I lay down in pillows softer than clouds as my coffin lightly squeaks, I never had new pillows, I slept on a hand-me-down bed, With pillows, That were threadbare and starved to be fed, So I lie there still, And the preacher finally speaks my name, And my last thought is... with a last shy smile on my face.... They all showed up on my big day.... I wrote this poem to envision the ideals of a man who's lived with and sadly...lost the battle with depression. It's strange how the same church could have two people wed or hold a man's funeral service,it's meant to show the different paths life may take us...the man who never had anyone there for him and yet they all show up just once to his final remembrance,or people who have always been there to help him along could show up just once more in a series of many times before...to send him and his beloved off into their new life together...The value of small pieces of everyones time...the difference in the eye of the beholder is black and white,the difference in the man himself is life or death. I had hoped this could be motivational enough for people to see that others need someone to be there...even for the small things,to help them to get through the tough times.
  10. Cotton Fields - Creedance Clearwater Revival (recommended) 😉
  11. Welcome to the forum... I hope you find a place here that can help you as deeply as it has others,both in getting a helping hand when you need one and lending one to those who need it,it's a great place with plenty of ideas and conversation on topics we as mere mortals (lol) can find hard and confusing to deal with ourselves sometimes ....again,welcome.
  12. I'm sorry you are feeling this way my friend,but society has a standard,the law and the unspoken standards that people use to hurt others who are different from them, being unique isn't a bad thing and the way the world views you makes no difference in who you actually are. I've had many people say great things about me and terrible things as well,and I always felt they challenged my honor when they would say terrible things about me because no one else knows your story and no one else knows your thoughts. If people treat you less than human then they aren't better than you, they're just a part of the world,like a tree or the dirt...I'm sorry we're having communication problems,I'm sensing English isn't your native language but that's ok,and we'll help as much as we can and are here to talk however you can my friend. Don't let others define you,define yourself.
  13. You believe that your family and you are beggars? So a feeling of shame comes with this emotion as well? I'd like to delve a little deeper if you don't mind friend.
  14. My Big Day They've all gathered here today, A feeling I've never had the chance to feel in my heart, They all actually came, And traveled so far, I've never had people show up for me, As a child my parents never came for me to the school, I watched the other patents and children in joy, As I set alone in the back of the room, But they're here today, My hands are shaking, I'm dressed in a suit, And all my composure it's taking, I've never had a suit before, So nervously I struggle to tidy, Not long now, Until I must meet everyone and they meet me, The church is so beautiful, The sun is brilliant outside without fade, Everyone has showed up, For my big day, I leave from the back, And walk with a slow pace, As I walk down the isle, With a shy smile on my face, They're all here for me, All dressed up and sharp, And outside waits for me and my future, With white letters on the windows of a beautiful black car, I'll leave this place and never look back, It's a sad thought but it's what they would've wanted...I'm sure of that, The preacher stands just up ahead, Ready to seal this sacred eternal bond, And people waiting near the front, All of which I am the most fond, My most beloved is yet to walk the isle, To meet me in this most majestic moment, I'm deeply nervous for our meeting, So to keep my obligation I'll no longer postpone it, I finally reach the front, The people no longer speak, And I lay down in pillows softer than clouds as my coffin lightly squeaks, I never had new pillows, I slept on a hand-me-down bed, With pillows, That were threadbare and starved to be fed, So I lie there still, And the preacher finally speaks my name, And my last thought is... with a last shy smile on my face.... They all showed up on my big day.... I wrote this poem to envision the ideals of a man who's lived with and sadly...lost the battle with depression. It's strange how the same church could have two people wed or hold a man's funeral service,it's meant to show the different paths life may take us...the man who never had anyone there for him and yet they all show up just once to his final remembrance,or people who have always been there to help him along could show up just once more in a series of many times before...to send him and his beloved off into their new life together...The value of small pieces of everyones time...the difference in the eye of the beholder is black and white,the difference in the man himself is life or death. I had hoped this could be motivational enough for people to see that others need someone to be there...even for the small things,to help them to get through the tough times.
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