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Tearz

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Everything posted by Tearz

  1. This was a hard week, but I am doing a lot of things to help myself: therapy (individual and group) and Al-Anon. Plus work. Also got a referral to a psych to start some meds. So I'm trying hard. Thanks for letting us know you are hanging in there. 😌✨
  2. Nothing beats having the salt massaged into the open wound. Today I was robbed. Twice. Yes, that's correct. Robbed. Money taken out of my account. By identity thieves. Twice. In one day. Fckers win again.
  3. @Rattler6 That impulsive, aggravated feeling has got to be part of long-term depression...? When I'm not completely shut down, I am aggravated over the littlest things. Throwing sht is my thing when I am in this place. Cannot tell you how many dishes/phones/keychains/keys/hairbrushes I have chunked across the room in my lifetime. I blogged about doing this to my iPad. One time I punched a mirror. I am even aggravated right now that I could not quote only that part of your response! Since I paid a lot of money for this new phone, I can and will restrain myself, but the temptation still exists. I also do not share myself this candidly anywhere but here. God, why is this my life, a ping-pong of anger/sadness/anger/sadness, with tiny pockets of normal shoved between? Even as I write this, angry stinging tears brim under the surface. My head hurts, my neck and shoulders hurt. FCK I hate this way of being. I just want to cry on someone's neck and be held and fall asleep and wake up in the safety and comfort of one human who won't disappoint me or hurt me or use me. But there is nobody. Nobody.
  4. Hello Lis and welcome to the forums! I am so sorry for all the things which are overwhelming you right now. Trust me, I have walked those miles. You have arrived at a safe place to get things off your chest and gather support from many who understand. While I cannot give you specific advice on each step, one thing I might suggest is a school counselor? You might look and see if such a resource exists, as many schools offer assistance programs. If not, a local government resource such as a county or city health agency, and sometimes certain non-profits may offer resources and assistance. Please do not give up hope, the very fact that you are cognizant of these issues and reached out here is a tremendously courageous step in the right direction. Peace, young friend. βœ¨πŸ•Šβœ¨
  5. Hi George, just wondering how you have been doing? Hope you are having a good day. πŸ•Šβœ¨
  6. Gratitude exercises fall under the category of self-care for me. Focusing on what has gone right always helps me put my depression into better perspective and a smaller container. Today, I have been grateful for: church; a sunny day; the majestic hawk who seemed to speak directly to me from her high perch; my pup-pups who sense my sadness and patiently sit by my feet to bring me comfort; enough energy to load the dishwasher and sort clothes; my dear sweet little mama; enough money to live on; enough to eat; a warm place to sleep; a quiet day of rest to cry alone; these boards; this topic of discussion. 🌷
  7. My father never remembered my birthday, or my children's birthdays, or even my kids' names. He was a slimy toad. Sounds like your parents are, too. Pay them no heed. You - we - deserve better.
  8. Strange that you posted this thread. I no longer celebrate my own birthday. Although I had plenty of crummy birthdays before, I permanently relinquished all birthday celebrations after my friend was ********. Her birthday and mine were on the same day. The exact same day. So for me, my birthdays were depressing before, but completely out of the question as there is zero joy in the thought of them now. Some clueless people think I'm just being coy when I tell them I don't celebrate that day, and say things like, "Well, we'll just see about that!" which is also very insulting. Also, weirdly, today is the anniversary of her M*****. Anniversary, another depressing word. Sorry, I am not normally this morose on these boards. But, this is a depression forum after all. I guess you can tell that today has been a very black day for me. I hope yours will be much better.
  9. Howdy and welcome to DF! As you surf around the site you will see that indeed, we share many emotions and understand each others' pain, even though we do not always share the same paths. For me, it' a shaded meadow to set down my baggage, rest my troubled soul for a moment, and uplift others when I am feeling healthy enough to do so. You have definitely come to the proper place to spew like Moby d**k's blowhole. ☺️🐳 Peace, new friend. πŸ•Šβœ¨βœŒοΈ
  10. Definitely not true! Case files: Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant; Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; Sandra Bullock and TooManyTattoos (I don't remember his name-I don't think anyone does); Madonna and everyone else on the planet. Love is a battlefield regardless of anyone's outside appearances. And what @watalife said is also true; I see lots of average-looking couples out there. It's what is in your heart that eventually shines forth, not your pearly white perfect teeth or how well you apply your make-up or how often you work out. Please hang in there, @desperateloser. We are all here for you in your dark hour. βœŒοΈπŸŒˆβœ¨πŸ•Š
  11. Pink603, I am so, so sorry for this nightmare your family and especially your precious daughter are living through right now. While I cannot begin to know your specific journey and your unique family dynamics, please take heart in knowing that you have taken all of the right steps in getting your baby the help she needs. It's important that you also get counseling. We could be the same person, you and I, as I have walked in the very shoes you now wear, and I am sobbing right now for the pain you and your baby have been forced to endure. This is a good and safe place to lay your burdens down and gather support. Bless your precious family. 😒 Oh wow, I just noticed this is a pretty old post. @Pink603 if you get this notice, please check in when you have time, and let us know how things have been going for your family.
  12. Tearz

    Phoenix

    Don't we all wish we could go back in time and undo a thing we did? I'm no exception. Last weekend, I took my beloved iPad to a local shop. You may be wondering why it is beloved. In 2012, I won my iPad. I was enrolled in college at the time, taking Economics. Students making an A or B were given an opportunity to enter an essay contest sponsored by a major college book publishing company, and a handful of students would win an iPad if their essays were chosen. It was a nationwide contest - and so I entered, my essay was chosen, and they sent me a brand new iPad! iPads were a hot item - still are - so I was floored to have earned such a cool thing for free. I worked hard to get it, and it was a very groovy reward. A few years later, in a moment of insanity mixed with blind rage, I smashed my precious iPad against the concrete on my back porch. I was immediately heartbroken. What a stupid, childish thing to do. Something I cherished, I had ********. Although Paul Varjak says in Breakfast at Tiffany's that there's no law against busting up your own apartment, nobody in my family had died; my immediate reason felt petty by comparison. And my lovely prize had always served me well. What gave? Maybe it was all of the frustrations that had built up over many years that I had never quite resolved. Maybe it came from a place where I felt I didn't deserve anything of value. Whatever broke in my head in that moment, the fact remained: my iPad was gone. I put it under my bed. Perhaps one day, I would get around to swallowing my shame and restoring her to glory. It took three years, but that day came last Saturday. I took it to a local shop after asking around. I told him, cost be damned, fix it if you can, it's sentimental. He was skeptical. He said he would try, no guarantees, and of course, I would still pay either way. Today, I picked up my precious baby, all repaired and shiny! She has some dents and scars. She is literally rough around one edge where she hit the ground. Those imperfections make her even more beautiful to me. Of couse she also works! Best of all, I have all of my old things back, especially meaningful precious photos and videos, so bittersweet to look at. And a certain game I love playing that is no longer available. So, something old, finally made new again, to revive the old. I cried happy tears at this rare gift of rebirth. The analogy that I took away was this. We can get smashed to the ground for nothing we did. Lay in a corner for years gathering dust, shattered, inert and useless. But, when we feel ready, we can go to the fix-it shops of our choice; our doctors, shrinks, pharmacists, therapists, peers. We can stay in the shop for as long as we need to and get the help we need to come back as a useful item. There's no guarantee we will get better either. If we are lucky to get put back together enough to work, we won't look exactly the same. We won't feel exactly the same. We will still have scars and bruises and be rougher around the edges. We may go to the shop repeatedly and need many repairs over time. But our rise from the ashes will mean more to us than anything else. As we heal, we will feel real joy and triumph, for our rebirth and our resilience, for our determination not to let the fckers win, for the mere fact we still live, despite the scars from all the trauma inflicted upon us. Against tremendous odds, we can be victorious, and we can rise up again.
  13. Aww, @MaepleSyrup, these things you are dealing with are so frustrating! I related 100% with your sibling inviting someone along to an event you looked forward to sharing with only them. My father, may he rot in H*ll, did that to me my entire life. Last year, my friend did it to me on my birthday! "Do you mind if I bring along my new husband?" She asked me this an hour before we were to meet. This is how that translated in my mind: "Do you mind if I flaunt the fact that I can land a man and you're still miserably single, on the one day that you should feel special?" I mean, how do you even answer? Yes I mind because I want to be perceived as a selfish b*tch, or no I don't mind if you hurt my feelings? Ugh! It's a no-win situation to be forced into, and since that happened, I haven't spoken to her. So on a spiritual level I totally get that feel. I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much pushback. Please keep your chin up, because you are so deserving of a beautiful life. πŸ’•β€οΈβœ¨βœŒοΈ
  14. Yes, as others have said, Welcome! Although I'm sorry you are dealing with so much, I'm glad you found this place to vent and gather support. As you post and read more, I think that you will find, as I have, that this is a safe haven for those of us who suffer life's hard knocks. If it's ok with you, I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that life will be kinder moving forward. Peace, our new friend. πŸ•ŠβœŒοΈβœ¨
  15. A maid. 🧹 (For hire, not in a human trafficking way.) A margarita machine.🍹A new fridge that looks like an old fridge. A horse.🐎 A horse farm.🐎🐎🐎 A one-way ticket to Aruba. πŸ–
  16. I can't speak for others, but I appreciate that you spend your personal time to help people here, so thank you.
  17. Trying not to stress over the illogical feeling that my job is already in jeopardy even though I've done nothing wrong. I hate these unwarranted and unfounded feelings of utter inadequacy and impending doom.
  18. So glad you found your way to the boards, gypsylivia! While your struggles are zero fun, it's beautiful that you still have the courage to help others. This is a helping healing place. Welcome! βœ¨πŸ•Šβœ¨
  19. Wow, what a strange course of events, rsk! Although the busted up knee is no fun, it's so heartening to hear that you are on life's side! I will wish healing thoughts for your injury. Happy dance for your high hopes!!
  20. My therapist assures me that this is life: a series of ups and downs, interspersed with periods of boring plateaus. Some highs are higher than others; some lows are worse. The trick is to remember who you are through all of it. Today was bizarrely much like yesterday. Things started off poorly. My job, normally a place of solace, was nothing but one contention after another. Right off the bat I got in trouble for doing something I do every other day. Apparently an email had gone out early this morning notifying us of a situation we were to avoid. So guess who wasn't included on the email? Right. So instead of checking to see if I was copied, everyone assumed I just chose to ignore the directive. I was indignant! I just started this job, WHY would I suddenly just do a thing I was told not to do? That was just the first thing. About 20 minutes later, it happened again. And just like that, I'm in trouble again for something I WAS NEVER TOLD ABOUT. At this point I'm shaking. I just turned my computer off and bowed my head to pray. Then came the coup de grΓ’ce. Someone I've never even met chastised me for not getting something right in August. Copied both of my superiors. I was hired in September. Christ, I was just beside myself with incredulity. This is Punk'd, right? You cannot tell me that my dream job went to hell in one morning, and everyone's on board? I mean, I get it. People are human, everyone makes mistakes. But today was like being flogged by all staff, in the conference room, because someone in Greenland didn't go to work. Nothing was making any damned sense! However, I knew that if I acted out of emotion at that moment, my weird dream from the other night would come true and I really would be flipping people off and quitting. And I love my job. So I prayed and kept my mouth shut for pretty much the remainder of the day, and did what I could to remain productive after everything that had happened. I reminded myself that everything had gone swimmingly up 'til now, and I was the same employee today as I had been all the months prior. While I was vindicated in bits and pieces, being the scapegoat for others' idiocy took its toll on me. And not everyone has apologized. By the end of my work day, I was seriously considering getting a waitressing job closer to home. Sure it's an 80% cut in pay, but at least...at least...nothing. It would be the same at any job. Doesn't matter where you work or what you do or how much you earn. There's gonna be sh*tstorms from time to time and the trick is to remember who you are through all of it. Who I am is a person with integrity, intelligence, a sliver of faith and enough sense to bow down while the tornado of stupid passes, instead of getting sucked up in it. Then, the rest of my evening was directed by angels. I received pleasant surprises from all angles; good news, a new friend, old friends checking in on me, even an actual Valentine in the mail! So I take heart in the day's events. Things went wrong today. Lots of things. Absolutely nothing I did could have changed that. I caused none of it, yet things still went dreadfully wrong. I could have made those wrong things wronger by reacting badly. But also, and arguably in greater measure, things went right. The things that went right were spectacular! Did God reward me for graceful behavior? I'm not really sure of anything He does. All I am is grateful He helped me today when I asked, and that He gave me pause to remember who I really am.
  21. Hi Kimmiyo, I'm late in welcoming you. So sorry to hear of your loss and grief, it's so bewildering to lose a close loved one. You are among friends here and I hope that you will visit often. There are lots of kind souls here who will understand and support you through your tribulations. Peace. πŸ•Šβœ¨
  22. Boo for your bad cold, @Epictetus. One of the kindest things a person ever did for me was to come over to my house when I had the flu and make me homemade chicken soup. I would do that for you right now if possible. 🍜 Please feel better very soon.
  23. Today started off...weird. This morning I received yet another email from someone I have told many times to buzz off. At first, I was really angry. I felt so defeated. They are an influential member of the community (yeah, well, so was John Wayne Gacy) and it made me feel small and powerless. I'm certain that is this person's goal. But then, I got to thinking. This has been going on since 2016, and I have proof that I have written and called this person repeatedly to stop bothering me. So after I mustered enough energy to shower and dress, I drove to my local police station to see about a protective order. The officer was polite and sympathetic, and got right to business. I forwarded all my emails and phone logs to the officer. The emergency protective order is now in effect. While I can't be certain this jerk will stop harrassing me, it was so empowering to finally say "Enough!" and take definitive action instead of my normal m.o., which is to lay down in defeat whining Woe is me. But screw that horsesh*t!! By God, I'd had enough! It felt great standing up for myself for a change! Put such a positive spin on my day, that I came home, put on something that made me feel pretty, brushed my teeth, put on some make-up (what?!), called a close friend and hung out the rest of the day with them at some local shops. We had an absolute blast. What a stark contrast to the first two days of my weekend. Instead of letting my anger defeat me and using it to crawl further into my grave, I used it as a catalyst to escape, however briefly, into the sunlight. A rare and cherished occurence, I felt like a normal, actual, engaged person today. A most excellent day.
  24. Something totally freaky and paranormal just happened to me. I was looking through my movies to pick a DVD to watch, and l use a flashlight after dark because my entertainment center is dark and deep, and it's impossible to see all my movies in there without one. So I laid the flashlight down and it rolled pretty far, behind the open entertainment center door, and stopped. No big deal. I was sorting through the few movies I had grabbed to pick one. Maybe two minutes went by, and then I heard it, that flashlight rolled right back to me!? I was so frightened I literally screamed out loud. I live alone and both of my doggies were on the opposite side of the room. I don't know what to do with this. I can't even bring myself to turn the dang thing off, it's just laying on the floor, shining into the darkness. I am frightened and awestruck. Strange phenomena afoot. Or alight.
  25. Hi @MaepleSyrup, I am wondering how you are doing today? Hope you have enjoyed the last few days and are getting along ok. Here are some pancakes to go with your preciously adorable namesake πŸ₯ž ✨✌️
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