Jump to content


Junior Member
  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Blog Entries posted by Tearz

  1. Tearz
    Why do we get so sad when we go back to our childhood haunts? Do we grow sad because we were so much happier as kids, more carefree and less stressed? Is it because we've lost the capacity to view a world with infinite possibilities? I often wonder why this phenomenon occurs. My youngest recently told me she reconnected with some family members and found out some things we didn't know. She said it made her sad and angry that she had missed out on so many years with that part of her family. I told her we can't live like that, looking behind and wondering about that different life we didn't have. But the feeling is so universal. Last year I went home, and we drove by a park my mother took me to as a child. I asked her to stop, and we walked around the park for about an hour, talking. I cried when we left. Although going there was happy, it was sad too. I remember being so happy on those Saturday mornings when my mommy didn't have to drop me off at the nursery and instead could take me to the park to play. Saturday In The Park was a popular song at the time, and is still a song that yanks my heartstrings every time I hear it. I wonder at the randomness of it all...the people we chose, the people we didn't, the actions we chose, the paths...and those we didn't. Would my life have been better? Worse? Who knows?
    Today after my headache lets go (it is releasing its grip now that I took a couple aspirin) I will take my pups to the park and not look back at the what ifs. I will be grateful for what has gone right, and not be saddened by what has gone wrong. I will sing that song in my head and thank God for everything I have, and for everything I don't. I may cry - as I am already doing - That is the only way for us to move forward and find some more happiness on our journies, however it may come. 
  2. Tearz
    Tonight was probably the worst Al-Anon meeting ever. Not because of the people but because of the subject matter. Since I was sexually abused as a child and as an adult, I have grown to view sex with disgust. The mere thought of getting "intimate" with anyone invokes an immediate urge to vomit. Even someone touching me without expecting it makes my skin crawl. I have three children only because I was taught that sex was expected, not a choice. Since I have been made aware by my therapist that I do have a choice, I have chosen asexuality as my lifestyle, and have happily embraced my non-sex life for twelve blissful years! Tonight in our meeting we read from this book called "Intimacy and Alcoholism" or something like that. I wanted to jump up and run out as soon as the first sentence was read aloud. Maybe I should have. I was triggered so heavily that I now have a raging migraine, my eye is twitching, and I have physical sharp pains all throughout my body. FCK. Tonight's meeting SUCKED for me, and now I feel way worse than before I went, worse than I have felt in a long while. 
  3. Tearz
    I have made an executive decision in my world that February is uniformly the most depressing effing month of the year, every year. There's Valentine's Day to remind all single folks we have nobody; the month my friend was mrdrd; my friend reminded me today that February was when our mutual friend lost her second-born to cancer two years ago; it's always bleak, cold, wet and shivery. Februarys can 💋my 🤬.
    I saw the very first dogwood blooms today, and they made me so happy. I'm a very depressed person but it's usually the littlest things that cheer me right up. Welcome, lovely March, and bring on the SPRING! 👒🐣🌱🌷
  4. Tearz
    Don't we all wish we could go back in time and undo a thing we did? I'm no exception.
    Last weekend, I took my beloved iPad to a local shop. You may be wondering why it is beloved. In 2012, I won my iPad. I was enrolled in college at the time, taking Economics. Students making an A or B were given an opportunity to enter an essay contest sponsored by a major college book publishing company, and a handful of students would win an iPad if their essays were chosen. It was a nationwide contest - and so I entered, my essay was chosen, and they sent me a brand new iPad! iPads were a hot item - still are - so I was floored to have earned such a cool thing for free. I worked hard to get it, and it was a very groovy reward. 
    A few years later, in a moment of insanity mixed with blind rage, I smashed my precious iPad against the concrete on my back porch. I was immediately heartbroken. What a stupid, childish thing to do. Something I cherished, I had ********. Although Paul Varjak says in Breakfast at Tiffany's that there's no law against busting up your own apartment, nobody in my family had died; my immediate reason felt petty by comparison. And my lovely prize had always served me well. What gave? Maybe it was all of the frustrations that had built up over many years that I had never quite resolved. Maybe it came from a place where I felt I didn't deserve anything of value. Whatever broke in my head in that moment, the fact remained: my iPad was gone. 
    I put it under my bed. Perhaps one day, I would get around to swallowing my shame and restoring her to glory.
    It took three years, but that day came last Saturday. I took it to a local shop after asking around. I told him, cost be damned, fix it if you can, it's sentimental. He was skeptical. He said he would try, no guarantees, and of course, I would still pay either way. 
    Today, I picked up my precious baby, all repaired and shiny! She has some dents and scars. She is literally rough around one edge where she hit the ground. Those imperfections make her even more beautiful to me. Of couse she also works! Best of all, I have all of my old things back, especially meaningful precious photos and videos, so bittersweet to look at. And a certain game I love playing that is no longer available. So, something old, finally made new again, to revive the old. I cried happy tears at this rare gift of rebirth. 
    The analogy that I took away was this. We can get smashed to the ground for nothing we did. Lay in a corner for years gathering dust, shattered, inert and useless. But, when we feel ready, we can go to the fix-it shops of our choice; our doctors, shrinks, pharmacists, therapists, peers. We can stay in the shop for as long as we need to and get the help we need to come back as a useful item. There's no guarantee we will get better either. If we are lucky to get put back together enough to work, we won't look exactly the same. We won't feel exactly the same. We will still have scars and bruises and be rougher around the edges. We may go to the shop repeatedly and need many repairs over time.
    But our rise from the ashes will mean more to us than anything else. As we heal, we will feel real joy and triumph, for our rebirth and our resilience, for our determination not to let the fckers win, for the mere fact we still live, despite the scars from all the trauma inflicted upon us. Against tremendous odds, we can be victorious, and we can rise up again.
  5. Tearz
    My therapist assures me that this is life: a series of ups and downs, interspersed with periods of boring plateaus. Some highs are higher than others; some lows are worse. The trick is to remember who you are through all of it. 
    Today was bizarrely much like yesterday. Things started off poorly. My job, normally a place of solace, was nothing but one contention after another. Right off the bat I got in trouble for doing something I do every other day. Apparently an email had gone out early this morning notifying us of a situation we were to avoid. So guess who wasn't included on the email? Right. So instead of checking to see if I was copied, everyone assumed I just chose to ignore the directive. I was indignant! I just started this job, WHY would I suddenly just do a thing I was told not to do? 
    That was just the first thing. About 20 minutes later, it happened again. And just like that, I'm in trouble again for something I WAS NEVER TOLD ABOUT. At this point I'm shaking. I just turned my computer off and bowed my head to pray. 
    Then came the coup de grâce. Someone I've never even met chastised me for not getting something right in August. Copied both of my superiors.
    I was hired in September.
    Christ, I was just beside myself with incredulity. This is Punk'd, right? You cannot tell me that my dream job went to hell in one morning, and everyone's on board? I mean, I get it. People are human, everyone makes mistakes. But today was like being flogged by all staff, in the conference room, because someone in Greenland didn't go to work. Nothing was making any damned sense!
    However, I knew that if I acted out of emotion at that moment, my weird dream from the other night would come true and I really would be flipping people off and quitting. And I love my job. So I prayed and kept my mouth shut for pretty much the remainder of the day, and did what I could to remain productive after everything that had happened. I reminded myself that everything had gone swimmingly up 'til now, and I was the same employee today as I had been all the months prior. 
    While I was vindicated in bits and pieces, being the scapegoat for others' idiocy took its toll on me. And not everyone has apologized. By the end of my work day, I was seriously considering getting a waitressing job closer to home. Sure it's an 80% cut in pay, but at least...at least...nothing. 
    It would be the same at any job. Doesn't matter where you work or what you do or how much you earn. There's gonna be sh*tstorms from time to time and the trick is to remember who you are through all of it. Who I am is a person with integrity, intelligence, a sliver of faith and enough sense to bow down while the tornado of stupid passes, instead of getting sucked up in it.
    Then, the rest of my evening was directed by angels. I received pleasant surprises from all angles; good news, a new friend, old friends checking in on me, even an actual Valentine in the mail! 
    So I take heart in the day's events. Things went wrong today. Lots of things. Absolutely nothing I did could have changed that. I caused none of it, yet things still went dreadfully wrong. I could have made those wrong things wronger by reacting badly. 
    But also, and arguably in greater measure, things went right. The things that went right were spectacular! Did God reward me for graceful behavior? I'm not really sure of anything He does. All I am is grateful He helped me today when I asked, and that He gave me pause to remember who I really am.
  6. Tearz
    Today started off...weird. This morning I received yet another email from someone I have told many times to buzz off. At first, I was really angry. I felt so defeated. They are an influential member of the community (yeah, well, so was John Wayne Gacy) and it made me feel small and powerless. I'm certain that is this person's goal. 
    But then, I got to thinking. This has been going on since 2016, and I have proof that I have written and called this person repeatedly to stop bothering me. So after I mustered enough energy to shower and dress, I drove to my local police station to see about a protective order. The officer was polite and sympathetic, and got right to business. I forwarded all my emails and phone logs to the officer. The emergency protective order is now in effect.
    While I can't be certain this jerk will stop harrassing me, it was so empowering to finally say "Enough!" and take definitive action instead of my normal m.o., which is to lay down in defeat whining Woe is me. But screw that horsesh*t!! By God, I'd had enough! It felt great standing up for myself for a change! 
    Put such a positive spin on my day, that I came home, put on something that made me feel pretty, brushed my teeth, put on some make-up (what?!), called a close friend and hung out the rest of the day with them at some local shops. We had an absolute blast. 
    What a stark contrast to the first two days of my weekend. Instead of letting my anger defeat me and using it to crawl further into my grave, I used it as a catalyst to escape, however briefly, into the sunlight.
    A rare and cherished occurence, I felt like a normal, actual, engaged person today. A most excellent day. 
  7. Tearz
    I'm not going to church today.
    I had horrible, vivid dreams all night. I clearly remember two.
    In the first, I was driving my mother's car; I was groggy, apparently under the influence of some substance, and when I tried to step on the brakes, nothing happened. The first accident was more of an incident, I went careening through an intersection, miraculously missing other cars, and ended up facing oncoming traffic on the other side of the road. Disaster averted. But then I got back in the car and promptly wrecked into a man's garage, almost pinning him between my vehicle and his. I didn't take his life but certainly did his garage's. Weirdly, he wasn't that angry, in fact I think I remember him forgiving me. His forgiveness was small compensation though, as I realized I would soon be arrested and jailed.
    In another dream, I stopped showing up for work, so my boss pulled me into his office to fire me. In a fit of rage, I screamed at him to go eff himself and the whole staff, then flipped him off with both hands. 
    The strangest thing about both dreams was that they weren't dreamlike at all. They felt as if they had actually happened, so I woke up feeling very confused, wondering if I had actually done those things.
    From a logical standpoint, it's easy to see where my subconscious thoughts came from. From an emotional standpoint, the feelings I woke up with are still raw and scary, and unbearably heavy. I cannot face anyone in my current state. 
    I'm not going to church today.
  8. Tearz
    So today I'm pretty sad. Was much more at peace yesterday than today. I am writing this blog from in front of an Al-Anon meeting place, the meeting is supposed to start in an hour. I came to the same meeting place last night and nobody showed up. Today I called to confirm time and place, they told me it was a fluke and to try again. There were about 75 people in the AA meeting next door, so where were all those peoples' peoples? Anyway, talked to my mommy and went home. I'll try it one more night.
    It's depressing to sit here and listen to people on the restaurant patios having fun. Their laughter sounds like icicles hitting my heart. Heehee, you have no friends, haha, you'll never have this much fun, hoho, your lonely little life is pathetic, hahaha. My conscious mind knows they aren't laughing at me, but my troubled soul knows no difference. 
    Almost had a fullblown panic attack at work today. Although I managed to continue working despite teetering along the faultline, I still feel like it will happen at some point in the very near future.
    I do have a three-day weekend to "look forward to." Hell, at least I have it. I'd like to think I'll accomplish some cleaning and begin restoring my chaotic home back to some semblance of normal. No telling whether I will get closer to that goal or cry for the next three days. 
    I think I will have to seriously consider the pharm route. At the rate I'm emotionally declining, I feel a stroke or cardiac arrest is inevitable before Christmas. Some days those types of outcomes are all I pray for. 
  9. Tearz
    Not random kindnesses bestowed upon me, but random kindnesses I freely gave. Lots of them, too, like a snowball effect, the more I did, the more I wanted to do. Doing nice things without expecting anything gave me a sense of fulfillment. Does this mean that being selfless is...selfish? I once heard a doctor with Doctors Without Borders answer the question "Why do you do this?" with the following answer: "For the most selfish reason in the world. Because it feels good." 
    Maybe for the very first Valentine's Day in my life, I'm content instead of bitter, even though I'm just as alone. Except that also, for the very first Valentine's Day ever, I truly don't feel alone. I prayed many times today, silently, earnestly talking to God in my head. And I really do feel that God is here. 
    Peace is a lovely respite. 
  10. Tearz
    I think I may blog daily. I find this freeform spewage lightens the burden on my shoulders. Read it or don't, makes me feel better either way. 
    Today I had a better day. I still cried most of the day, which actually started yesterday, and finally stopped after I got out of my therapist's office. My therapist is wonderful and I am so grateful for that. I felt better just sitting on her couch bawling, because I know that when I'm there, I'm safe to feel any damned way I want to. Mostly we talked about my son and his ongoing heroin addiction while I cried nonstop. When I left I said I look forward to a time when his addiction is not the focus of our discussion. 
    Work was better today too. Yesterday I was sort of made to feel stupid - and yes I realize it's my choice to let others do that - but overnight I thought of a diplomatic way to handle the situation so it didn't turn into a bitchfest. So I handled it with some grace instead of raw emotion, and you know what, that was empowering. I am a tiny bit proud of myself for mulling it over instead of acting on impulse. I guess old dogs can sometimes learn a new trick.
    I almost blew off work today but I finally managed to rally and drag myself through the sh*tstorm of major city traffic. Also grateful that I did, because I helped a lot of people at work today, and it made me feel needed. I still have zero social skills but feeling like a necessary piece of my organization gave me a rare sense of belonging. I liked that feeling a lot. I really do love my job and even though I have had some not-perfect days, I'm quite grateful for it. Traffic bites every day but I live in a huge city, so it can't be avoided. 
    As I write this, I am parked across the street from my house to watch for my son gathering his things from my front porch. He's threatened to **** me three times now, because I was involved in keeping him away from his daughter. I love him,  but he's MIA while this hideous beast of addiction has him captive. I long for my son back whole, the man he could be, will be, once this horrid beast lets go and is finally damned back to hell. Yet even as I am saddened by this continuing nightmare, I find myself grateful that I have again (and for the last time) found the courage to say enough. 
    So even though I've not eaten a regular meal in days, and my head and heart ache as per normal, I found a scrap of peacefulness in the gratitudes I discovered throughout my weary day. God and I are still at odds right now and I'm still plenty irate with his (perceived as such) indifference to my plight. But my therapist says he's a big guy and he can handle my cursing his designs. And I can live with that, today.
  • Create New...