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    Family. My fragile faith. Reading. The moon. Trees. Tulips. Sushi. My dogs. Singing birds. Restoring order from chaos. Finding my own way.

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  1. Why do we get so sad when we go back to our childhood haunts? Do we grow sad because we were so much happier as kids, more carefree and less stressed? Is it because we've lost the capacity to view a world with infinite possibilities? I often wonder why this phenomenon occurs. My youngest recently told me she reconnected with some family members and found out some things we didn't know. She said it made her sad and angry that she had missed out on so many years with that part of her family. I told her we can't live like that, looking behind and wondering about that different life we didn't have. But the feeling is so universal. Last year I went home, and we drove by a park my mother took me to as a child. I asked her to stop, and we walked around the park for about an hour, talking. I cried when we left. Although going there was happy, it was sad too. I remember being so happy on those Saturday mornings when my mommy didn't have to drop me off at the nursery and instead could take me to the park to play. Saturday In The Park was a popular song at the time, and is still a song that yanks my heartstrings every time I hear it. I wonder at the randomness of it all...the people we chose, the people we didn't, the actions we chose, the paths...and those we didn't. Would my life have been better? Worse? Who knows? Today after my headache lets go (it is releasing its grip now that I took a couple aspirin) I will take my pups to the park and not look back at the what ifs. I will be grateful for what has gone right, and not be saddened by what has gone wrong. I will sing that song in my head and thank God for everything I have, and for everything I don't. I may cry - as I am already doing - That is the only way for us to move forward and find some more happiness on our journies, however it may come.
  2. Hello, @xwaxpoeticx and welcome to these forums. Someone else said it eloquently, this is the correct place to be a mess. We all have reasons to be messes, although our reasons are different, but the result remains the same. I am for one so glad you have found this refuge to shelter in place from the brutal world. Please return often and mill around, you will happen upon lots of good advice and camraderie here from those who truly understand. Peace, new friend. πŸ•Š
  3. Well to tell the truth, things aren't terrible right now. Got a new car, so that was a good place to start to lift my spirits. She's shiny and new and she smells nice, so driving doesn't suck as much! I'm on my way to another meeting. Getting back on the horse, as it were. Hmmm. We shall see. Got a text from my son so he's still alive. So there's that. Work is whatever. I could complain...but I won't.
  4. You post is eloquent and profound. Welcome to the forums. I hope that you can find comfort and peace here to counterbalance the chaos in your current locale. πŸ•Š
  5. Hello, @OtherKin and welcome! You certainly have much to get out, and we are so glad you have found a safe place to unload your complex thoughts and observations. I can only speak simply, but my one thought on your grandmother is this; she was severely mentally ill and cruelly sadistic. I grew up also in a similar circumstances, equating abuse with love. It has taken me years to put that in its rightful place and move forward, and sometimes it does have a way of oozing out and tainting my current life. Forgiveness is tough, and not for everyone. But just giving it a name, for me, was a good place to start healing. Anyway, we are so glad you are here.
  6. Hey, @SP_E3ZY219, I am just wondering how you have been doing lately? Hope things have improved. You have been in my thoughts today. Please let us know how you have been getting along. We care about you!!
  7. Hello Delta Heavy, welcome to DF! I am so sorry you are suffering. We care very deeply for your plight because by varying degrees, you represent us all. Your honesty is so courageous; putting all your troubles here is a very brave and cleansing first step. Go easy on yourself, as you are already overcoming things I couldn't imagine dealing with. Your "friends" who tell you that you are a waste of space should be flogged in the public square. Those types of people suck the life out of everything around them like vampires. If you can and are able, sever all contact with them, or at least greatly reduce your contact with those types. Positive self-talk is another good place to start, as there are lots of decent videos on YouTube in this category. Please return here often, as your continued perseverence brings hope to us and to yourself, whether you realize it or not. Peace, new friend. πŸ•Š
  8. Your feelings are so close to mine I swear we could be the same person. I also suffer from PTS and MDD. Although our journeys here were perhaps different, the outcome is identical. Although I function and am considered successful, I am always filled with self-doubt. I cannot explain it or give you advice; all I can say is, I get it. I 1000% get where you are.
  9. Tonight was probably the worst Al-Anon meeting ever. Not because of the people but because of the subject matter. Since I was sexually abused as a child and as an adult, I have grown to view sex with disgust. The mere thought of getting "intimate" with anyone invokes an immediate urge to vomit. Even someone touching me without expecting it makes my skin crawl. I have three children only because I was taught that sex was expected, not a choice. Since I have been made aware by my therapist that I do have a choice, I have chosen asexuality as my lifestyle, and have happily embraced my non-sex life for twelve blissful years! Tonight in our meeting we read from this book called "Intimacy and Alcoholism" or something like that. I wanted to jump up and run out as soon as the first sentence was read aloud. Maybe I should have. I was triggered so heavily that I now have a raging migraine, my eye is twitching, and I have physical sharp pains all throughout my body. FCK. Tonight's meeting SUCKED for me, and now I feel way worse than before I went, worse than I have felt in a long while.
  10. Your lyrics are well-received, NI. I intimately know that stinging tears feeling. Recently I have taken to using initials to address people here instead of their user names because well, I would feel awful calling anyone 'nobody important.' Each life is important, just as yours is. You have a gift for poetry. Please continue to visit. We are so glad you found this place to unload your troubles. Peace. πŸ•Š
  11. Hi FJ and welcome to the forums. I am sorry you are so distraught over these things. I cannot tell you that things will get better. What I can say is you can learn to see things a different way. When I get very low, I say the serenity prayer from Al-Anon: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." If you believe in any higher power, you can just say your name for your higher power in place of God. My therapist tells me flat out, do NOT watch the news. Talk about sht you can't change!! My other advice is get off Facebook. It's a time-sucking, gigantic spy. I left years ago because I hate the drama and Zuckerberg is a d**k. Take my advice with a teaspoon of salt, as these are things that work for me, but may not be for everyone. Hope this helps!!! Peace. πŸ•Š
  12. Hi @Maxx55, I care. I care a lot. Bearing your soul on these forums takes tremendous courage and you never have to apologize to us for your feelings. You want to be an officer to help people, but at your job AND on these boards, you ARE helping people. The security officer at my building is a foul-mouthed creep who does nothing but spew curse words and hit on the ladies. Always asking for "a hug" from the ladies because he's a lech! (I told him "No, why don't you go ask my boss for a hug." He knows not to *$&% with me anymore.) I bet anything you are the type of security officer who takes his job seriously and actually makes people feel safe. What you do is vital!! Take pride that you are the type of person everyone would want in a dark parking lot to assure our safety. I am so grateful you are here with us. πŸ•Š
  13. @watalife as I enjoy my morning coffee today, I can hear a mourning dove and a baby cardinal. Singing birds transport my mind back to my mammaw's back yard, and bring hope for a new beginning. I am grateful that something trivial can spark such happiness. πŸ•Š
  14. @BeyondWeary your spirituality is very inspirational to me. I struggle every day with my faith and when I am up against things which are so unfair, it's sometimes hard for me to reconcile that with God's love. Your faith is truly a beautiful vehicle you can rely on to get over those really rough roads. I just wanted you to know your post really touched my heart.
  15. My grandparents and the safe feeling I always experienced when I was with them.
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