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About Tearz

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    Junior Member

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    Family. My fragile faith. Reading. The moon. Trees. Tulips. Sushi. My dogs. Singing birds. Restoring order from chaos. Finding my own way.

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  1. Tearz

    What would you like to buy

    A maid. 🧹 (For hire, not in a human trafficking way.) A margarita machine.A new fridge that looks like an old fridge. A horse. A horse farm. A one-way ticket to Aruba. 🏖
  2. Tearz

    Been Awhile, Weather, Oh & a Small Rant

    I can't speak for others, but I appreciate that you spend your personal time to help people here, so thank you.
  3. Tearz

    TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 2

    Trying not to stress over the illogical feeling that my job is already in jeopardy even though I've done nothing wrong. I hate these unwarranted and unfounded feelings of utter inadequacy and impending doom.
  4. So glad you found your way to the boards, gypsylivia! While your struggles are zero fun, it's beautiful that you still have the courage to help others. This is a helping healing place. Welcome! 🕊
  5. Wow, what a strange course of events, rsk! Although the busted up knee is no fun, it's so heartening to hear that you are on life's side! I will wish healing thoughts for your injury. Happy dance for your high hopes!!
  6. Tearz

    Ebb and Flow on Loop

    My therapist assures me that this is life: a series of ups and downs, interspersed with periods of boring plateaus. Some highs are higher than others; some lows are worse. The trick is to remember who you are through all of it. Today was bizarrely much like yesterday. Things started off poorly. My job, normally a place of solace, was nothing but one contention after another. Right off the bat I got in trouble for doing something I do every other day. Apparently an email had gone out early this morning notifying us of a situation we were to avoid. So guess who wasn't included on the email? Right. So instead of checking to see if I was copied, everyone assumed I just chose to ignore the directive. I was indignant! I just started this job, WHY would I suddenly just do a thing I was told not to do? That was just the first thing. About 20 minutes later, it happened again. And just like that, I'm in trouble again for something I WAS NEVER TOLD ABOUT. At this point I'm shaking. I just turned my computer off and bowed my head to pray. Then came the coup de grâce. Someone I've never even met chastised me for not getting something right in August. Copied both of my superiors. I was hired in September. Christ, I was just beside myself with incredulity. This is Punk'd, right? You cannot tell me that my dream job went to hell in one morning, and everyone's on board? I mean, I get it. People are human, everyone makes mistakes. But today was like being flogged by all staff, in the conference room, because someone in Greenland didn't go to work. Nothing was making any damned sense! However, I knew that if I acted out of emotion at that moment, my weird dream from the other night would come true and I really would be flipping people off and quitting. And I love my job. So I prayed and kept my mouth shut for pretty much the remainder of the day, and did what I could to remain productive after everything that had happened. I reminded myself that everything had gone swimmingly up 'til now, and I was the same employee today as I had been all the months prior. While I was vindicated in bits and pieces, being the scapegoat for others' idiocy took its toll on me. And not everyone has apologized. By the end of my work day, I was seriously considering getting a waitressing job closer to home. Sure it's an 80% cut in pay, but at least...at least...nothing. It would be the same at any job. Doesn't matter where you work or what you do or how much you earn. There's gonna be sh*tstorms from time to time and the trick is to remember who you are through all of it. Who I am is a person with integrity, intelligence, a sliver of faith and enough sense to bow down while the tornado of stupid passes, instead of getting sucked up in it. Then, the rest of my evening was directed by angels. I received pleasant surprises from all angles; good news, a new friend, old friends checking in on me, even an actual Valentine in the mail! So I take heart in the day's events. Things went wrong today. Lots of things. Absolutely nothing I did could have changed that. I caused none of it, yet things still went dreadfully wrong. I could have made those wrong things wronger by reacting badly. But also, and arguably in greater measure, things went right. The things that went right were spectacular! Did God reward me for graceful behavior? I'm not really sure of anything He does. All I am is grateful He helped me today when I asked, and that He gave me pause to remember who I really am.
  7. Hi Kimmiyo, I'm late in welcoming you. So sorry to hear of your loss and grief, it's so bewildering to lose a close loved one. You are among friends here and I hope that you will visit often. There are lots of kind souls here who will understand and support you through your tribulations. Peace. 🕊
  8. Boo for your bad cold, @Epictetus. One of the kindest things a person ever did for me was to come over to my house when I had the flu and make me homemade chicken soup. I would do that for you right now if possible. Please feel better very soon.
  9. Tearz

    Ebb and Flow

    Today started off...weird. This morning I received yet another email from someone I have told many times to buzz off. At first, I was really angry. I felt so defeated. They are an influential member of the community (yeah, well, so was John Wayne Gacy) and it made me feel small and powerless. I'm certain that is this person's goal. But then, I got to thinking. This has been going on since 2016, and I have proof that I have written and called this person repeatedly to stop bothering me. So after I mustered enough energy to shower and dress, I drove to my local police station to see about a protective order. The officer was polite and sympathetic, and got right to business. I forwarded all my emails and phone logs to the officer. The emergency protective order is now in effect. While I can't be certain this jerk will stop harrassing me, it was so empowering to finally say "Enough!" and take definitive action instead of my normal m.o., which is to lay down in defeat whining Woe is me. But screw that horsesh*t!! By God, I'd had enough! It felt great standing up for myself for a change! Put such a positive spin on my day, that I came home, put on something that made me feel pretty, brushed my teeth, put on some make-up (what?!), called a close friend and hung out the rest of the day with them at some local shops. We had an absolute blast. What a stark contrast to the first two days of my weekend. Instead of letting my anger defeat me and using it to crawl further into my grave, I used it as a catalyst to escape, however briefly, into the sunlight. A rare and cherished occurence, I felt like a normal, actual, engaged person today. A most excellent day.
  10. Tearz

    The Post Anything Thread #3

    Something totally freaky and paranormal just happened to me. I was looking through my movies to pick a DVD to watch, and l use a flashlight after dark because my entertainment center is dark and deep, and it's impossible to see all my movies in there without one. So I laid the flashlight down and it rolled pretty far, behind the open entertainment center door, and stopped. No big deal. I was sorting through the few movies I had grabbed to pick one. Maybe two minutes went by, and then I heard it, that flashlight rolled right back to me!? I was so frightened I literally screamed out loud. I live alone and both of my doggies were on the opposite side of the room. I don't know what to do with this. I can't even bring myself to turn the dang thing off, it's just laying on the floor, shining into the darkness. I am frightened and awestruck. Strange phenomena afoot. Or alight.
  11. Tearz

    Valentines Day

    Hi @MaepleSyrup, I am wondering how you are doing today? Hope you have enjoyed the last few days and are getting along ok. Here are some pancakes to go with your preciously adorable namesake
  12. Tearz

    Today is a No

    Thank you so much, Alone Guy. Your kind words are very much appreciated.
  13. Hello rsk, I am so glad you decided to reach out instead of the permanent alternative. Because we never see things clearly in the midst of a depressive episode, I sincerely urge you to find the post which mentions if you are suicidal right now. There is an 800 number to call, which will put you in touch with someone who can give you a real person to speak with and resources which may be immediately available in your local area. Please do not wait, I urge you to call today, right now. I promise they are there to help. Check back in with us also, as I for one am so grateful that you are on this planet and still valiantly fighting against that bastard demon of darkness. Please let us know about you. We care a lot.
  14. Hello, Lare45 and welcome back. Although I am sorry for your reasons for returning, I believe you will find some measure of comfort by sharing here with people who understand and fully support you. How brave you are to continue your journey to recovery!