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Everything posted by sleepystupid

  1. this. furthermore, the actual diagnostic criteria for adult ADD is woeful. (to be fair this is true of a lot of mental illnesses) the better question is "to what end do you want a positive diagnosis?" . if it's just for the medication, you can literally just keep shopping till you find a pdoc who will prescribe (it won't be a long search). OP is correct in that many of these symptoms overlap between a variety of mental illnesses - it almost doesn't matter whether you "actually" have ADD, you just need to identify the symptoms you want relief from and find the appropriate help you need for them.
  2. to be honest, the Heritage is fine (been back on it after that month of Mylan). Have never tried Sandoz but willing to give it a shot if it comes around. i think thus far my experience has been: Heritage > Mylan > Apotex. i'm not sure about all those side-effects, sounds like self-induced paranoia, but i can say that the Heritage brand seems to be a little "speedy" for sure. i used to drink 2 cups of coffee a day, but i've recently quit the afternoon cup because it feels overwhelming with the bup. only other obvious side-effect is ringing in my ears, but i've gotten used to it.
  3. this. a movie about my depression would be me staring at a wall for most of the work day, then cut to me emotional eating in bed, alone in a tiny dimly lit room. there's no good way dramatize the apathy and nothingness i feel sometimes - but abstract things like poetry and music may be able to.
  4. you know something to consider is that a lot of people feel anxious during dates because there's this sense that the "goal" of the date is to weed out riff raffs or figure out whether that person is compatible. it's not necessarily wrong, but... first and foremost a date should be fun! you know what the best first date is? an arcade! (but maybe not Dave n Busters cause that place is the worst) . places to avoid on first dates: movies (super awkward! and can't converse), restaurants (or anywhere the only activity is conversation!). the point is - all that stuff about expectations and compatibility isn't important in the beginning. first figure out whether you can truly have fun together. go somewhere or do something you genuinely enjoy and don't take it too seriously
  5. i recognize how archaic and counter productive this sounds, but i still feel like real mental illness (depression in this case) is secret. i am ashamed of my condition, not proud and posting it all over Facebook to be cute and trendy or whatever. maybe that's therapeutic for some people - mental illness sucks, but if you can get some sympathy out of it, go for it i guess.
  6. a slight variation for me: "if they knew the real you - they'd be horrified." this was especially bad during my speed addiction, when i was genuinely ******* myself inside and out (so they'd be justified) but these days they'd be horrified at how resigned i am to stagnation and mediocrity. i'm not on social media at all myself, but i think the similarity in all our inner dialogues may explain in part why we are so drawn to social media as a society. those platforms are the perfect place to hide the "real" you - because you get to craft your own narrative. everyone is always so happy, and thriving on Facebook. these days, almost seems like the digital version of you matters more than the real world version.
  7. this sounds like the argument i make for just playing videogames and watching TV instead of reconnecting with my passions or "real" hobbies. you're not wrong though. when i think about how i don't enjoy those things anymore, like music and songwriting, it adds to my depression. but then i think - what's so wrong with videogames and TV? they make me happy, at least on the surface, and there's a never ending supply of them.
  8. i totally get this. i used to be a big online gamer, but these days i don't have the energy to deal with the toxic gaming culture. i'm the kind of person that doesn't enjoy it unless im good enough to not feel helpless as you said. that being said, i still enjoy very immersive single player games like RPGs (Skyrim, Dark Souls, etc.). i recognize that immersing myself in these types of games is a distraction from my bigger problems... but man what a distraction they are!
  9. agreed. i suppose emotional strength is a thing that many of us are lacking, given we're on a depression forum @in_need_of_help82 i like your idea of variety, the the proverbial "spice of life" - that experiencing all the things this world has to offer may not be happiness itself.. but in the absence of it, what the hell else are you going to do?
  10. this is a fair point, but i think there's a distinction between micro happiness (which you can feel as an emotion) and macro happiness (that is perhaps closer to a state of being?) i can certainly feel happiness in doing things i enjoy like playing video-games, or going to a concert or comedy show. but if someone were to ask me whether i was "happy" with my life, the answer is unequivocally "no." if they were to then ask "why?", i'm not even sure what i'd say. it often feels like the micro stuff is just a distraction from the macro feeling - i suppose the question is why aren't the little things in life enough for me? it is certainly a trap as you say.
  11. thanks everyone for your responses. i think this uncomfortable feeling i'm having could certainly be explained as a "guilt" for not earning happiness, just experiencing it. it also makes context in the sense of my medication doing job that i feel i should be doing myself ("generating" happiness) it's funny how often i need to remind myself of this - that happiness is often the pursuit itself. the process of thriving, and reaching for goals, etc etc. as sad as it sounds, i think what i subconsciously want is to feel satisfied to not be ambitious. seems like there are tons of people out there settling for mediocrity and being fine with it. but that seems so depressing to admit that it just reinforces my depression. fml
  12. does anyone ever have the feeling that you're not allowing yourself to be happy? (whether consciously or subconsciously) sometimes when i find myself feeling happy, it's almost an uncomfortable or embarrassing feeling. it's like something inside me wants to correct for it, like "stop acting so weird, you're supposed to be reserved, stoic, dark" i'm afraid there's something very deeply rooted in my mind that is resisting change. i also had this thought that maybe its a conflict between my meds inducing an "artificial" happiness that my mind recognizes isn't organic? feels like the movie Inception, but in my head, and not very entertaining.
  13. that's a fair thought, but the opposite isn't quite right either. having been an Adderall addict in the past, one of the arguments i hear (and have used myself) about justifying it's use is: "well it works for me and makes me more focused, so i must have ADHD!" emotions are very complicated - sometimes they can't be adequately expressed in words, so perhaps what you're feeling is an inability to express your depression in a way that can be communicated?
  14. totally this ^^^. we so often assess our value, morality, even emotions based on how we think others perceive us. IMO, it is still a strange scenario - i can think and fake things that i don't feel , but you can't feel something that is fake. so @sober4life can act happy, even though she doesn't feel happy ... but @AnxiousGirl123 i don't think you can truly feel depressed if you were just faking your symptoms.
  15. except when you're playing with trolls or rage quitters!
  16. sorry to hear about your losses, that does indeed sound like a very rough year. how much time are you looking to take off? i'm not familiar with your condition or state of mental illness, but really your primary objective (after being kind to yourself for a while) is to is to recover enough to return to work? i suppose what that could mean is maybe taking a class or something, learn a new skill or hobby (cooking, photography, poetry). forces you to be around people and maintain a level of focus necessary for work environments.
  17. totally this. well said. but i can understand the desire to confirm our biases - because maybe it hurts a little less if you know it's not just you? i can see the (relative) comfort in that. @desperateloser - sorry don't have any specific words of wisdom here. as you say, i'm an "average" looking guy, though i've had severe acne at points in my life that made me miserable. to be perfectly honest, the thought that got me through those times was: there's probably someone out there worse looking than me, but happy somehow - what's my problem then? i know that kind of just shifts the negativity in a different direction, but it made me look deeper into my emotional state for something other than just "looks" as the root of my depression.
  18. sleep totally FUBAR last night. my girlfriend called me and woke me up at 3AM in the morning because she managed to **** a bug in her bathroom, but was having too much of a panic attack to actually dispose of it. she refused to go to sleep but also refused to even look at it. (┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻
  19. it depends what strain your smoking, also depends on your method of smoking (highly suggest vape pen). indica strains are the ones that can aid with sleep - and they definitely do, in the sense that i would never have trouble falling asleep, though lately i've started to question the quality of the sleep. been reading a lot about the stages of sleep and there are studies that suggest marijuana suppresses REM sleep. despite this, i think what makes marijuana attractive as a sleeping aid is that it also helps you wind down before bed - (basically getting a little high) - but the high from indica dominant strains are more sedating than the other type of strain, sativa, which is associated with a stimulating, giddy energy.
  20. last night i had what seemed like the most normal sleep i've had in ages! fell asleep by midnight, woke up naturally minutes before my 7:15 alarm, completely uninterrupted, no drugs in my system* (chronic weed smoker, recently quit about 3 weeks ago). i know it's very common knowledge how influential sleep is on your mood and activity - but it still surprises the shit out of me when i feel suspiciously better the next day *actually i do take Wellbutrin, but what i meant was no sleep inducing drugs, lol
  21. on the surface, there is nothing specifically negative about this thought. you're not wrong? the more in shape you are, the better you will feel. the more attractive you are, the more confident you will be and it will allow you engage in social encounters more easily. but...are you actually following through with this, or simply watching the videos without taking action? for what it's worth, those "obsessions" you talk about are some really deep philosophical questions. it sounds like your a very prolific thinker! there is nothing wrong with that. are you writing down your thoughts? you should! FYI, an obsession isn't necessarily negative either. it only becomes negative when those thoughts prevent you from regulating your day-to-day life. the other thing i can say with certainty is that high school can be very discouraging for many types of people. things get MUCH better when you become an adult, go to college, etc. trust me
  22. if nothing else, a reason to live : fear of the unknown. i don't believe in God or an after-life, so the concept of not existing on a meta-physical level scares the ever living shit out of me. wtf does it even mean to not exist? its the ultimate existential crisis. it actually paralyzes me sometimes thinking about my consciousness would just disappearing. poof?! there is no more "me" as time goes on for billions, trillions, gazillions of years. that aside, i agree with the "little things" comments. i love great television, movies, video-games, food, live comedy/music/theater.. sometimes i feel miserable not "creating" or being "productive", but i sure as hell enjoy consuming, and we live in a time where its better than ever.
  23. hi @Groucho4u really sorry to hear about all this. i can certainly relate to the feeling of "failure as a man". it's a very specific type of disappointment in yourself, its a deep biological and evolutionary feeling. the "man" part shouldn't matter so much in this day and age but... yea, well it does. putting aside all the issues the medications themselves could be causing, it sounds like being *functional at work* is the goal that will naturally alleviate some of your depression. not sure what your career is, but would your anxiety be reduced with a work-from-home type position? just a thought.
  24. not sure how old you are but age definitely plays a role in this as well. i think what you'll find though is that most people have a fair amount of hearing loss. i too have ringing - it might be constant but hard to say, might just be used to it? what i can say for sure though is that it was MUCH worse when i was abusing stimulants in the past.
  25. this is a very interesting point. the thing i constantly struggle with in my depression is the contradiction between knowing this to be undeniably true (i have a pretty good life, all things considered) and STILL feeling depressed. on the other hand, there are certainly brief periods where i know this to be true and the positivity of that statement is allowed to sink in. for those brief moments - i feel genuinely happy. i see this as the paradox of knowing vs. believing. "i know that i am successful, but i don't believe that i am successful" it seems to me, THE "cure" for my depression would be a total and inalienable belief in this statement. is there a pill for that?
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