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  1. a slight variation for me: "if they knew the real you - they'd be horrified." this was especially bad during my speed addiction, when i was genuinely ******* myself inside and out (so they'd be justified) but these days they'd be horrified at how resigned i am to stagnation and mediocrity. i'm not on social media at all myself, but i think the similarity in all our inner dialogues may explain in part why we are so drawn to social media as a society. those platforms are the perfect place to hide the "real" you - because you get to craft your own narrative. everyone is always so happy, and thriving on Facebook. these days, almost seems like the digital version of you matters more than the real world version.
  2. this sounds like the argument i make for just playing videogames and watching TV instead of reconnecting with my passions or "real" hobbies. you're not wrong though. when i think about how i don't enjoy those things anymore, like music and songwriting, it adds to my depression. but then i think - what's so wrong with videogames and TV? they make me happy, at least on the surface, and there's a never ending supply of them.
  3. i totally get this. i used to be a big online gamer, but these days i don't have the energy to deal with the toxic gaming culture. i'm the kind of person that doesn't enjoy it unless im good enough to not feel helpless as you said. that being said, i still enjoy very immersive single player games like RPGs (Skyrim, Dark Souls, etc.). i recognize that immersing myself in these types of games is a distraction from my bigger problems... but man what a distraction they are!
  4. agreed. i suppose emotional strength is a thing that many of us are lacking, given we're on a depression forum 😅 @in_need_of_help82 i like your idea of variety, the the proverbial "spice of life" - that experiencing all the things this world has to offer may not be happiness itself.. but in the absence of it, what the hell else are you going to do?
  5. this is a fair point, but i think there's a distinction between micro happiness (which you can feel as an emotion) and macro happiness (that is perhaps closer to a state of being?) i can certainly feel happiness in doing things i enjoy like playing video-games, or going to a concert or comedy show. but if someone were to ask me whether i was "happy" with my life, the answer is unequivocally "no." if they were to then ask "why?", i'm not even sure what i'd say. it often feels like the micro stuff is just a distraction from the macro feeling - i suppose the question is why aren't the little things in life enough for me? it is certainly a trap as you say.
  6. thanks everyone for your responses. i think this uncomfortable feeling i'm having could certainly be explained as a "guilt" for not earning happiness, just experiencing it. it also makes context in the sense of my medication doing job that i feel i should be doing myself ("generating" happiness) it's funny how often i need to remind myself of this - that happiness is often the pursuit itself. the process of thriving, and reaching for goals, etc etc. as sad as it sounds, i think what i subconsciously want is to feel satisfied to not be ambitious. seems like there are tons of people out there settling for mediocrity and being fine with it. but that seems so depressing to admit that it just reinforces my depression. fml
  7. does anyone ever have the feeling that you're not allowing yourself to be happy? (whether consciously or subconsciously) sometimes when i find myself feeling happy, it's almost an uncomfortable or embarrassing feeling. it's like something inside me wants to correct for it, like "stop acting so weird, you're supposed to be reserved, stoic, dark" i'm afraid there's something very deeply rooted in my mind that is resisting change. i also had this thought that maybe its a conflict between my meds inducing an "artificial" happiness that my mind recognizes isn't organic? feels like the movie Inception, but in my head, and not very entertaining. 😕
  8. that's a fair thought, but the opposite isn't quite right either. having been an Adderall addict in the past, one of the arguments i hear (and have used myself) about justifying it's use is: "well it works for me and makes me more focused, so i must have ADHD!" 🤔 emotions are very complicated - sometimes they can't be adequately expressed in words, so perhaps what you're feeling is an inability to express your depression in a way that can be communicated?
  9. totally this ^^^. we so often assess our value, morality, even emotions based on how we think others perceive us. IMO, it is still a strange scenario - i can think and fake things that i don't feel , but you can't feel something that is fake. so @sober4life can act happy, even though she doesn't feel happy ... but @AnxiousGirl123 i don't think you can truly feel depressed if you were just faking your symptoms.
  10. except when you're playing with trolls or rage quitters! 😅
  11. sorry to hear about your losses, that does indeed sound like a very rough year. how much time are you looking to take off? i'm not familiar with your condition or state of mental illness, but really your primary objective (after being kind to yourself for a while) is to is to recover enough to return to work? i suppose what that could mean is maybe taking a class or something, learn a new skill or hobby (cooking, photography, poetry). forces you to be around people and maintain a level of focus necessary for work environments.
  12. totally this. well said. but i can understand the desire to confirm our biases - because maybe it hurts a little less if you know it's not just you? i can see the (relative) comfort in that. @desperateloser - sorry don't have any specific words of wisdom here. as you say, i'm an "average" looking guy, though i've had severe acne at points in my life that made me miserable. to be perfectly honest, the thought that got me through those times was: there's probably someone out there worse looking than me, but happy somehow - what's my problem then? i know that kind of just shifts the negativity in a different direction, but it made me look deeper into my emotional state for something other than just "looks" as the root of my depression.
  13. sleep totally FUBAR last night. my girlfriend called me and woke me up at 3AM in the morning because she managed to **** a bug in her bathroom, but was having too much of a panic attack to actually dispose of it. she refused to go to sleep but also refused to even look at it. (┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻
  14. it depends what strain your smoking, also depends on your method of smoking (highly suggest vape pen). indica strains are the ones that can aid with sleep - and they definitely do, in the sense that i would never have trouble falling asleep, though lately i've started to question the quality of the sleep. been reading a lot about the stages of sleep and there are studies that suggest marijuana suppresses REM sleep. despite this, i think what makes marijuana attractive as a sleeping aid is that it also helps you wind down before bed - (basically getting a little high) - but the high from indica dominant strains are more sedating than the other type of strain, sativa, which is associated with a stimulating, giddy energy.
  15. last night i had what seemed like the most normal sleep i've had in ages! fell asleep by midnight, woke up naturally minutes before my 7:15 alarm, completely uninterrupted, no drugs in my system* (chronic weed smoker, recently quit about 3 weeks ago). i know it's very common knowledge how influential sleep is on your mood and activity - but it still surprises the shit out of me when i feel suspiciously better the next day 😅 *actually i do take Wellbutrin, but what i meant was no sleep inducing drugs, lol
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