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DepressedBadass

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  1. Zoloft made my suicidal thoughts far worse. I take Cymbalta now and it helps a lot more. But Buproprion also helps I feel. Maybe just a higher does of the Buproprion?
  2. Easier said than done I'm afraid... 😞
  3. How do you put it to use? And what is a cave metaphor?
  4. I needed an anonymous place to vent and just talk to people about my issues and I came across this site. I have no idea if it will help or not. I guess I'll start with some key facts. I've been severely depressed for about 8 years now. I was off and on meds for the first couple. Then just off. Now I've been back on steadily for about 2 years or so. I take Cymbalta and Wellbutrin. I recently medically retired from the US Army after almost 12 years. And no, I don't have PTSD before anyone asks. I never saw combat or any bad gruesome stuff. I'll be 31 years old in April. And I'm currently in school for metal fabrication. I’ve been dealing with my depression for what feels like an eternity. Every now and then I’d hit a plateau and just feel neutral. Neither happy nor sad. That would go on until something would come along in my life to change it. Whether it was work related, personal, love, money, or even just an accident. If it was good I’d obviously feel better, but that was only for a while until something happened again to change it. Usually when that happens I would basically feel shitty for a bit and then get back to that plateau. But recently I was dumped by what I can only describe as "the woman of my dreams" and it has caused a new all time low for me. It may be because of how extraordinarily happy she made me or maybe just that I don’t know what went wrong or what cause her to leave me. Maybe it’s because I still have to see her all the time at school which in turn just reawakens all the feelings day in and day out. I don’t know. But since all this shit happened my mind has been flooded with all the bad shit I’ve dealt with in my life. I try to drown it out and just stay high all the time but It just keeps repeating itself in my head like a broken record. On Tuesday night it was so bad that I almost ended it all just to stop the pain. I made plans to have my dog taken care of, wrote a ****ing note, had a plan and all that shit. But i just couldn’t do it.. i can’t say that i didn’t do it because i had too much to live for. But i guess more so because i was too scared. I skipped school on Wednesday because I just couldn’t bring myself to face everyone. Even if they’d never know what I’d almost done. This was the 4th time I've been that close in my life. As I sit here writing this I realize that putting an actual number on it suddenly makes me wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable. I've known for a while now that there's only one thing that could ever "cure" me of my depression and that's to have someone to share my life with. Someone that would love me as much as I would love them. It's the thing I've wanted above all else since I was 15. I tried to fill that void in my life with materialistic items. I own my house, my own truck, a badass workshop that most would **** to have, and yet none of it comes close to making me happy. I think I'm done sharing for right now.
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