Hello everyone, I go by Tron. First time ever on any public site, so bear with me if my intro is not too clear or jumps around. I was directed here after looking up why people contemplate suicide in google. It was one of 3 sites recommended for more support. I am going on 50, married with 4 children of whom I love more than life itself. I have done all that I possibly can and more and continuing to do so. I have never considered myself suffering from any form of depression. I had a so childhood and so life with its ups and downs I guess like everyone else. There are times I am not satisfied with my life as far as my accomplishments not being significant enough. My wife sometime states I should be happy with what I have done, it seems I am never happy with what we have done, such as opening and running a small business since 2006, purchased a home sold it and upgraded to a better home, and most importantly helped raise our kids of which 3 are college grads while the 4th still finding himself. Very recently a personal family issue has pushed me into a situation I find myself struggling to deal with. I am raised Catholic, but since becoming an adult I have never been a practicing one for longer than a few years at a time, mainly because of our kids. Anyhow recently I have been doing more soul searching and have begun praying more for help with my issues, after a couple of weeks things took a turn for the better. I was able to sleep through the night and gradually my appetite was returning plus I the knot feeling in my stomach went away. I though all was well until the past weekend when another incident involving same issue ignited again and things went back to worse quickly. I don’t quite understand why at 50 I am not able to control my emotions let alone understand, since I have always been able to do so before. Anyhow not to make the intro to long, there is much more to be said of course, but the forum did advise against, I do not know where to go from here. I simply want to be at peace and grateful for the life I have which if looking outside would say is a great one but being the one inside does not feel so. Technically I feel I have seen enough if I am never going to get more than an inch worth of peace at a time. I would rather not have to go another 10 20 or more years of this. I feel as one grows older things should plateau a bit and become easier, but the opposite seems to be happening for me. And that makes me feel bad at times mainly for my family because I am supposed to be the rock for them but instead the negative energy I must be emitting towards them cannot possibly good for their emotional state now or in the long run. I don’t know I thought maybe others have been through this and could share their experience and prove that I am not crazy! Sorry if I seem to be rambling.