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HopeBoi

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  1. Essentially, it all started with a knee injury that put me out of play from my favorite sport for a few months. Instead of dealing with the emotions I felt, I got obsessed with knee injuries, rehab techniques, weight training, human bio-mechanics etc etc. It became such an obsession that I would spend hours researching ways to improve my injury, and also just researching the science of weight training and diet. Little did I know that I was knee deep in a defense mechanism, Intectualization. If you dont know what it means, google it pleasee, or if you want a bad nutshell of it, its essentially avoiding the emotions of an incident and focusing on facts and logic, and also could mean turning the incident into a kind of idea or project. After this, I moved a state. I am a high schooler, and my whole world was upside down. I had trouble making friends, developed insecurity, and always looked at my old friends and seeing how cool they were....After a date with google, I concluded that my stress hormones were too high, and my testosterone was low, thus my social skills were bad. I had so much depression and devastation because of the move, but kept that inside me. I spent every ounce of my life trying to learn how to increase testosterone, build muscle, become masculine, etc. This went on for a few months until...I moved again. I developed OCD. According to my Psychiatrist, by the way. Not me. Now. The intectualization was taken to an extreme. I interpreted everything I did was either "low testosterone" or high testosterone actions, every person I judged by their muscularity, looks etc to determine hormonal levels, watched tv shows and stuff that represented masuline main characters because, in my mind, doing that would solve all my life issues. I researched into personality types, read up on each profile, determined which ones were cool, and changed my thought proccess to allign with the cool personalties. I also chagned my thought process to allign with "high testosteorne thoughts". This lasted a year. After a suicide attempt recently and being sent to a psych ward, I uncovered all these issues. I have many more "ideas" and obsessions that rule my mind, and after a year, day after day, feeding myself information and changing the way I think and act to match these to "fix my issues", I am lost. I have no clue how to think. I cant be normal. I am afraid of going crazy. There. I said it. I am afraid of going crazy. The only way I can function is by letting myself try to be "high testosterone"...It at least gives me a goal and gets me through the day. I lost myself. My head hurts. I cant think about things like a normal person, I am so used to trying to think like a description that was given to me that I dont even know who i am.
  2. I have had anxiety and depression for about 3 years now, basically started 9th grade and lasts till now. I moved and lost my old life, could not cope with it but somehow made new friends, moved again, and the rest is history. I am in the 4th highschool of my high school "career". And well, I just realized how I have a habit of running away from bad thoughts/ suppressing them. I have developed various obsessions that I am convinced that if I solve, will make me all better. Once I either get used to them or end up solving them, I get another obsession. My obsessions delve around existential crisis, like "if we are going to die, whats the point", and my current obsession, "if we are living through 1st person and we know for a fact others perceive us a whole lot different than we are, then do we perceive everyone around us wrong?" and I spend hours a day ruminating and trying to solve these obsessions. I even had one which was about biology- "If emotions are just neurotransmitters and hormones, and hormones dictate personality to some level, then what is a human? What are emotions? Are we just....things just going through motions, like how are we different from a rock we are just matter". I have had 6 of those obsessions. In addition, I realized that I will never be as happy as I was in my home town. The demographics, the city, the air, the vibe, the buildings, the....people....all was perfect. Everyday was pure, magical. I really do think that I was unique, I had quite a polar personality and really attracted people because I loved life and had 0 social anxiety. Now, I am a wreck. I do nothing all day but school and work, and have been for the past 2 years. I have always put away this thought, and whenever I get a negetive thought or regret moving, i research weight training videos because my delusion is that the more attractive I become, the more I will get friends and get back my life. I put away so many of these negetive thoughts, and one night a month or 2 months I accept my dark side, and cry my eyes out. For hours. The next morning I am like "well that happened, what an idiot" and get back to weight training videos, social skills videos, etc etc and envision myself having friends, having fun, being rich, just because I will become somewhat muscular. Oh, and I have also developed obsessions with my body. I am overly obsessed with my asymetrical face, partly because after moving I did nothing but what tv, and slept on one side of my face for a whole lot of time, and chewed food only on one side because of my warped jaws. I am obsessed, and cant stop noticing my asymetry. I feel inferior, I feel like shit, even though I know its barely noticeable. I just felt like getting some stuff out. Please do comment whatever comes to your mind.
  3. @Epictetus By all means, what you said helped me a bit, thanks for the response! So what I gathered is that, there really is not a right way to look at a person, and although it could be considered right to look at a person as complex as they really are, it could be also right to acknowledge they are complex, but at the same time maintain some simplicity. My struggle is whether or not looking at someone by 3rd person view and judging them, positively or negatively, is correct or not. Like if they do something good, should I think of them as good people by visualizing them first person or 3rd person view? You are right. No way is wrong, no way is right, as long we do not label them as simply "nice" or "weak" in our minds. It helped me, thanks? P.S if i interpreted you wrong, let me know.
  4. I would like to thank anyone for their responses to my previous post, and things got way better- I love my new school, joined a sport I am really good at after quitting and am making friends and actually look forward for the future, and the present. Moved into a new house. I have all the symptoms of Pure OCD (i know pure obsessions do not exist, but Pure O in the sense mental OCD, no visible but mental compulsions).....and I thought I had thing sunder control, but I keep ending up in the same vicious cycle. I never got officially diagnosed with OCD, but many emails with Centers confirmed that I did have the symptoms, but cannot officially diagnose. I know this is the depression forum, but this is causing me such brutal emptiness and depression, I need this forum's support. The themes of my obsessions always delve around taking the meaning out of regular daily life, and each time I just lose control of reality, only to gain it back. This may not sound like OCD, and may not even be OCD, but hear me out. Here is my current obsession that renders all my life meaningless, and takes over my brain 24 7- When we as people judge other people, and think about their personality, we see them through third person view. But, their "personality" is how they live their life, then its through first person- its just a field of vision, along with their internal thoughts and imagination. Many of us, including me, are not aware of how we look when talking to people, how our expressions look, our entire outer body looks, we have no clue unless in front of a mirror. I am confused on how to see other people. Do I see them through 3rd person like everyone else does, and I used to, like a normal person, or do I see them through what they see- their 1st person view. They are not entirely responsible of their facial expressions, their body movement, etc, so is it an accurate judge of them as a person? I know this sounds like BS, but I want to know what other people think of this. I need other people's opinions on this. It is so frustrating, having my mind latch onto these thoughts. I am super depressed and cannot "solve" this obsession no matter how much I try.
  5. I have had many obsession in the past, and solved them over time, but each time, a new obsession with a different theme sprung up. Now, during a period of social isolation for about 2 weeks, I emerged with an unsolvable one with all the symptoms of "pure ocd"- I know that ancient people were probably unhygenic at times, and during war they might have not showered or wiped their butts. After trying to assure myself that anceint people were not all that dirty, and probably did not have butts with a lot of...poop (sorry!), I went into a deep loophole full of visual thinking, googling, reassurance seeking, "logic", and that obsession was set. I am a pretty creative person, and love exploring stories and movies and ideas. Now, for the last 3 weeks, I cannot even read a book, play a game, or watch a movie based in the ancient world/about war without gagging or getting anxiety. I use hella compulsions. Does not work. This depressed me, as my outlets of creativity were the only things keeping me sane (im going through a bit of a rough patch).. I have stopped all rumination, compulsions, googling, reassurance seeking, but I cannot have "pure" ideas anymore. I am scared of going into the real world because there are so many triggers for my obsessions. I cant think straight, and worry that if I think freely, I will come across an idea thats...."contaminated" by poop because it invloves someone who did not wipe or something. Its on my mind 24 7, I cant enjoy hobbies that literally built my life, and have upheld my life currently. I have emailed many OCD centers, who did say I have all the symptoms of OCD and cannot give me treatment or diagnosis without parents permisission. I cannot tell anyone about this, wayyy too embarassing. I need help/support!! (background- even before this, I am on the brink of harming myself because of BDD, way too many life circumstances gone wrong, etc).
  6. Well, I was one of the happiest people around until the age of 15- really good grades, sports, friends etc. But I somehow became best friends with the only 2 exepctional people in school- both were really good at everything and I got social anxiety and insecurity and have never made a genuine friend ever since- I do not know how to have a convo. but, I had existing friends, so life was still fun af. My brother soon went off to college, and I realized I mooched of his friends, his hobbies, and his lifestyle so much that I did not know what to do myself, but again, I had existing friends so it was as bad. But then, we moved. I spent an entire summer isolated. I got into the school year on a low, somehow made friends luckily, got a gf.............then moved again. Spent one month isolated again in a room because school timings did not match. I dealt with really bad depersonalization during that move because I had so much left up stress from school and anxiety. Then school came- I did nothing all day. I went to school, came back home, and repeat. Made no close friends the entire year, not even a single friend, and just gave up on grades. I felt so inferior because my friends back in my hometown became closer, succesful, had so much fun. I hated myself so much I would deprive myself of sleep and food. Every day, I think about killinh myself, because I felt so emtpy, but didnt, because my parents would break down internally. Then yet another summer came up- spent it isolated. I spent 2 years in a row without a birthday party (it was a huge deal to me ok) and 2 summers in a row isolated. I became so dead and empty on the inside. Now, junior year- I went from a straight A student in 9th to almost all C's and one D. Still 0 friends. My brother in college had rough year, and went into depression and caused my parents huge stress. With me and my brohter both like this, my home life became fragile and each one of my family member is very much broken internally. I tried making friends- I suck at it, and such severe anxiety and too much isolation has made me lose the ability to have a convo, and I have not felt loved for a good year and a half. I quit sports, because no clubs are around. I have no hobbies, and have tried talking to my family about this- my dad literally said suck it up, and my mom said stop being sad, because you are making me sad. Any tips/advice for me?
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