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HopeBoi

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  1. I have had many obsession in the past, and solved them over time, but each time, a new obsession with a different theme sprung up. Now, during a period of social isolation for about 2 weeks, I emerged with an unsolvable one with all the symptoms of "pure ocd"- I know that ancient people were probably unhygenic at times, and during war they might have not showered or wiped their butts. After trying to assure myself that anceint people were not all that dirty, and probably did not have butts with a lot of...poop (sorry!), I went into a deep loophole full of visual thinking, googling, reassurance seeking, "logic", and that obsession was set. I am a pretty creative person, and love exploring stories and movies and ideas. Now, for the last 3 weeks, I cannot even read a book, play a game, or watch a movie based in the ancient world/about war without gagging or getting anxiety. I use hella compulsions. Does not work. This depressed me, as my outlets of creativity were the only things keeping me sane (im going through a bit of a rough patch).. I have stopped all rumination, compulsions, googling, reassurance seeking, but I cannot have "pure" ideas anymore. I am scared of going into the real world because there are so many triggers for my obsessions. I cant think straight, and worry that if I think freely, I will come across an idea thats...."contaminated" by poop because it invloves someone who did not wipe or something. Its on my mind 24 7, I cant enjoy hobbies that literally built my life, and have upheld my life currently. I have emailed many OCD centers, who did say I have all the symptoms of OCD and cannot give me treatment or diagnosis without parents permisission. I cannot tell anyone about this, wayyy too embarassing. I need help/support!! (background- even before this, I am on the brink of harming myself because of BDD, way too many life circumstances gone wrong, etc).
  2. Well, I was one of the happiest people around until the age of 15- really good grades, sports, friends etc. But I somehow became best friends with the only 2 exepctional people in school- both were really good at everything and I got social anxiety and insecurity and have never made a genuine friend ever since- I do not know how to have a convo. but, I had existing friends, so life was still fun af. My brother soon went off to college, and I realized I mooched of his friends, his hobbies, and his lifestyle so much that I did not know what to do myself, but again, I had existing friends so it was as bad. But then, we moved. I spent an entire summer isolated. I got into the school year on a low, somehow made friends luckily, got a gf.............then moved again. Spent one month isolated again in a room because school timings did not match. I dealt with really bad depersonalization during that move because I had so much left up stress from school and anxiety. Then school came- I did nothing all day. I went to school, came back home, and repeat. Made no close friends the entire year, not even a single friend, and just gave up on grades. I felt so inferior because my friends back in my hometown became closer, succesful, had so much fun. I hated myself so much I would deprive myself of sleep and food. Every day, I think about killinh myself, because I felt so emtpy, but didnt, because my parents would break down internally. Then yet another summer came up- spent it isolated. I spent 2 years in a row without a birthday party (it was a huge deal to me ok) and 2 summers in a row isolated. I became so dead and empty on the inside. Now, junior year- I went from a straight A student in 9th to almost all C's and one D. Still 0 friends. My brother in college had rough year, and went into depression and caused my parents huge stress. With me and my brohter both like this, my home life became fragile and each one of my family member is very much broken internally. I tried making friends- I suck at it, and such severe anxiety and too much isolation has made me lose the ability to have a convo, and I have not felt loved for a good year and a half. I quit sports, because no clubs are around. I have no hobbies, and have tried talking to my family about this- my dad literally said suck it up, and my mom said stop being sad, because you are making me sad. Any tips/advice for me?
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