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elaineofalaska

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  1. Right Rhonda ran rather rapidly round ridiculously red rhinos, ruminating regally.
  2. Hi, KeemKeem, thanks for your reply and yes it's nice to see another "newbie" on here like me. Idk, I guess I am a little too hard on me...Sometimes though I think I need to be - part of that Superego thing - if you're familiar with the term (from Freud's stuff; I majored in psych and can never really escape from some of the things I learned oh-so-long-ago!) Anyway, these days I'm using St. John's Wort and nice, long hot baths with scented oils as ways to let go of the world. Think I'm likin it! Yes, there is SO much angst in the world, isn't there? I'm also just not watching the news these days. Got tired of what seems to be just a Play they put on (BOTH political parties) for our "benefit." Like it's foolin us, right? I think we just have one party tryin to play us, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I also like my Chinese learning. SO much fun! I've been doing it for about a year and a half now. I started teaching English to Chinese kids at that time and decided to learn Chinese ( at least a little, lol) to help me communicate with them. Well, let's stay in touch! Have a great day! Elaine
  3. Hi, Epictetus I'm doing a little better and thanks a bunch for checking in:) I've upped my St. John's Wort, not sure if the higher dose is really ok - safety wise, but it does help me feel lifted, which is a relief. Yes, ,the dark descending every day around 4 is not easy. New Mexico sounds very bright and nice indeed. I've been there a few times years ago and thought it very beautiful. Only had one sizeable aftershock the other morning, a 5.1, I believe. Just parr for the course up here! Hope things are going well for you these days! Elaine
  4. Yeah, I've had a "happy light" for years...Some days it seems to help - but I think it's cause I was already in the kind of place where I COULD feel better...if that makes sense? Sometimes, I feel so depressed ( untoward anger/irritation/feeling grieved-exhausted) that it feels rooted in my very body and nothing will change my mood till the next day arrives. Ok, I guess if my husband surprised me with something really special...like a trip some place great (we rarely go anywhere) or idk maybe did something unexpected like come home with exotic foods which he said he'd happily prepare as he sang along to smooth jjazz with his terrible voice:) while I sipped some wine...MAYBE I'd start to feel better, lol About wine, I haven't had ANY alcohol for over a year - my liver tests looked slightly "off." Doc said it was probably more fatty liver due to abnormal lipids rather than alchol consumption. But I thought I was ready to just give it up indefinitely. Now, I think I'm feeling ready again. Don't know. About your kid staying home even though you knew he was faking it...I SO appreciated your saying that! My Autism Spec son (now grown and finally working part-time) fakes certain things a lot, saying "too hard." Sometimes I also let him off the hook and we go to a movie just so we can both escape reality. We saw Mary Poppins Returns for the second time yesterday. Felt so good just humming to the songs and scarfing down popcorn and other treats I'd snuck in. Well, I loved your response and hope we can continue to help each other thru this forum. Maybe for women, we just need more female understanding = another gal getting us and our desire to feel like life must be more than this...? And accepting us instead of judging and making us feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't know if you're like me, but I make my own self feel guilty enough ABOUT LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Guess I need a break from - me...
  5. Hi, ICanDOThis! So glad you are a part of this forum of which I am very new as well. Where did you grow up in Alaska? Yes, I'm sure you must miss it. I live in Palmer - Southcentral - and really love it, especially living on the Knik River which is pretty much frozen right now. It was supposed to get down to nearly 30 below last night but fortunately it was much warmer, -2 by morning. Thanks heavens! I've lived here almost a decade and while the cold was a "cool" novelty in the first +decade, after that I began to just prefer the teens and twenties with snow. The winds are pretty bad, too, in Palmer. Then there's The Darkness. We live in the shadow of Pioneer Peak so we have NO direct sunlight from Thanksgiving to mid-Feb. A real bummer, especially this winter which is the first winter I'm not taking the Prozac I was on for several years. So how are you doing, depression-wise? What are your best coping skills? I' up for suggestions! Elaine:)
  6. Ok, so I think I get what you're saying. I'll have to muse on it. In the meantime,, are you on any meds, Oscar? If this is too personal a question, just say. Because I believe the current way of dealing with Depression is a combo of chemical plus cogtiive therapy. 'Coure when you're on a good chemical, you kinda let the other go by the way side, metaphorically speaking. Like, around the big cave in the landscape room.
  7. Or, are you saying I should think of Depression as it's own entity and so somehow train myself to separate from it? Or, embrace it? No, perhaps neither extreme which reminds me of what borderlines and bipolars do...Maybe our Depression is a way of telling us we are trying to split off our natural feelings/responses to life's inevitable disasters...? So, instead of compartmentalizing and splitting off, it's better to recognize and accept that bad things happen. More importantly, they happen and have happened to me and I've reacted to them in various ways, some more unhealthy than others. Baggage: "Being unwilling to accept yourself worts and all." Treatment: Well, that's the hard part, isn't it? But I do want to take responsibility for ALL of me. I guess this is where it's useful to think of Freud's Ego - the adult in the room. How do I find him again, for I think I must have known "him" once.
  8. Thanks, Oscar. So how is Depression a "natural resource?" If it's something I inadvertantly created, do I uncreate it? Or do I just recognize that it's a kind of way I cop out of life??
  9. Oscar K - Hey, thanks so much for your reply about MEDaphors...Yeah, I don't know. I guess there have been a lot of stessors, erosion and the like over the years, starting actually from childhood when there were significant losses and neglect. Then on from there - an abusive marriage, an autistic-born son (moderate with severe, global dyspraxia), then more marital difficulties with verbal abuse and a lot of anger and violence (not directed at me but at physical objects in the house, etc.) Then my daughter moved far away, citing her brother (who aways got the lion's share of attention) as one of the main causes. It wasn't like I had much choice because of his volatile nature. But stil. Sigh. Somewhere along the line, I think how I view and deal with life changed without my awareness until it became my new normal, a bad reset...I took Prozac for almost a decade which helped for most of that time. Then a new doc suggested I go off. I weaned and am now on St. John's Wort which is helpful...a little...Still...the cave. For me, more of a heavy, lead blanket that just keeps descending on me and holding me in place. There are times - when circumstances are optimal (it doesn't take much for it to be optimal....maybe a little more a daylight without clouds...or my son having a good day) that I can almost feel happy. A hot bath of scented oil when some other things are going well can almost make me feel giddy. Weird, I know, right? I'm a mess. Not nearly stable enough. That suffocating blanket which engulfs me without warning and with way too much regularity. I guess I could metaphorically take a mental drill and bore some light holes throught it, then rip out the holes with my fingers to see some light. I don't know. Sometimes I just think the bad reset is my forever life now. Maybe that's a good thing because does come to an end and we better be ready for the inevitable. Maybe I was too happy before and now this is reality and I just have to be mature enough to accept it...?
  10. Oh, Oscar, love the "depression cave" wording. Yes, quite the immense, dark cave, isn't it? Goes on for miles leading to the worst type of monsters.
  11. Oh, Oscar, love the "depression cave" wording. Yes, quite the immense, dark cave, isn't it? Goes on for miles leading to the worst type of monsters.
  12. Thanks to everyone's replies! Very kind. I much appreciate your welcome here. As to Epic...can't recall the rest...sorry...Yes, Alaska is interesting. The aftershocks have continued. A couple days ago, we had a 5 which sent us to stand pausing at the front door for a moment. Then we kinda shrugged, noticed our grandfather's clock was still ticking, and went back to the couch. It gets so you can pretty much guess how "big" of a shaker it is...You say things like, "Probably around a 3.5..." Kind of a fun way to put a positive spin on a crazy happening where the earth is suddenly shaking beneath your feet and your whole world seems momentarily "up for grabs." Anyway, another long dark night lying gaping open before me. Think it will be another couch night. Sometimes just the light of the tv and seeing a few stars out the window helps.
  13. Hi BeyondWeary and JD - hope this gets to you both, couldn't find how to reply to you individually...I live in Palmer, AK - "SouthCentral" about 45 min north of Anchorage depending on the traffic and weather:) Yes, I do love many aspects of Alaska, the beauty of the scenery, the laid backness of life, never worrying about what you're wearing, the kind, tough souls who stick it out here year after year. The moose are kinda cool too as long as you don't run into one on a dead, dark frigid night on a lonely road in the middle of nowhere...which is a lot of places here come to think of it:) And yet...the long stretches of darkness which lasts from November through Feb is tough for me to deal with, especially as we live in a house in the shadow of a large mountain, so we're in the shade with no direct sunlight for several months. We do live on a river, a frozen one for those same months, plus several more. Again, gorgeous place. But if you need sunlight to lighten your mood, this ain't the place for you. BeyondWeary I have a half sister who lives in Palm Desert, CA and went out to see her a few years ago. What a different kind of place that is! I went in March or April, I believe, so it wasn't hot yet. Very lovely. Still, for me, on the warm side. But my sis wouldn't think of putting her toe in a swimming pool. Btw, up here there are NO outdoor swimming pools. Only indoor - usually attached to some high school. Inside, dark green or blue walls. Once back outside, if you didn't dry your hair, it freezes to your head.
  14. Hi, Tretij! Welcome - I'm a new member myself. Yes, depression has been a big part of my life too - like an old not-so-nice friend who comes over (usually in the evening as it's dark a lot here in Alaska in the winter) and reminds me when I need no reminder: "I'm back, miss me? (ha,ha - this friend rarely leaves) Depression...Hmm...a large suffocating blanket holding me down... A strangely locked-in way of viewing most things... A sadness no amount of tears can undo... A dried-eyed giving up... An explanation of why I'm not opening appreciative enough of those around me... Cheers back at ya! Hopefully our old friend who pays too many house-calls will get lost on the way.
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