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  1. I not only look ill but don't care for things. Bored of things and I honestly don't give a damn about things anymore. I just want to close my eye one day and never ever wake up. When you die, no one really cares. Money stolen, my heart shattered, my health hanging by a thread, jobless, no partner that I can love but I am ugly, and have aged badly. I am turning gray and honesty has become a crime that we see it as a threat.
  2. My brain has literally gone into overdrive so much so that I would get extreme sadness and then a burst of creativity I never knew that I had before. Like as in story telling creativity would burst out of no where. My writing would turn poetic and I would find creativity in that. My senses especially my vision would improve greatly. I also have this really twisted ability to know what's going to happen next and it does. I am also able to fill in the blanks when I have questioned things. However, despite all this, there is a downside to all this. I would be lying if I didn't have suicidal thoughts but I haven't self harmed myself though it has come to a stage where I don't like looking at myself in front of a mirror. I shy away because of how ugly I have become due to the poor sleep which I am getting help with but it's taking forever to fix. I also avoid people. Oh and yes I also hear voices in my head. Any pointers? NO drugs please. Drugs don't fix the problem. They'll lead to an addiction which can be destructive. I keep applying for jobs but my speech and behaviour is turning very robotic. It feels as though there is a sickness in the air, and I am breathing it in. I also have trouble trusting people and become very paranoid about trust - this is because I have been back stabbed too many times. Too many times that I don't trust anything anymore. My life feels like a paradox and everything is a contradiction.
  3. I didn't say it would be easy but a job is what really? But the thing with jobs is that there is always a trade off. We sacrifice pay for pleasure which is what hobbies are, and if you want to follow the money, there are jobs that there, but you need to be damn good at what you do and be prepared to break to push yourself to the edge along the way because it's highly risky/competitive but very rewarding. Life and its journey is a personal choice. Some choose to life of high risk/high reward but there is a greater chance of you failing hard and losing everything if you don't know how to get out at the right time. Then there are jobs that are low risk but they are boring but are repetitive and don't challenge the human mind. If you want the middle where both risk and reward are equal, those are middle management jobs that do require input but don't require you to work an insane amount to get what you want.
  4. Get tested for a sleep/respiratory disorder. I think you might have sleep apnea/UARS(The two are not the same can only be found if you go do an inlab sleep test). http://www.sleepreviewmag.com/2017/12/searching-12-years-bipolar-disorders-cause-u-m-team-concludes-many/ https://www.bphope.com/sleep-apnea-linked-with-bipolar-disorder/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3498818/ https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/national-sleep-apnea-health-risks-1.4925252 https://www.aol.com/article/lifestyle/2019/01/30/if-youre-not-sleeping-well-your-brain-could-be-in-trouble/23657013/ https://www.businesswire.com/news/home/20180521005096/en/1-Billion-People-Worldwide-Sleep-Apnea-International https://medicalxpress.com/news/2019-01-ambient-air-pollution-exposure-linked.html
  5. Depression is a disease that no one should get. It's very destructive in nature and brings the worst out of you and it's so contagious. I think us being in an office environment does make us feel depressed. At it did to me. It felt like I was in prison locked up and I was forced to follow a routine everyday. We are not robots but humans that like change, we have emotions, love being free, and hate routine. We need adventure/fun in our lives. I have no adventure, no love, no one share my passion with. The only thing that comes close to it is the internet, but the internet isn't reality. It's virual reality which feels different to reality. I think that's why your BF keeps ringing you. He misses your physical presence because a relationship you develop a deep bond with someone else and he wants to share.
  6. Has anyone felt numb after suffering from PTSD either from an accident or from work? I felt into an gambling and work addiction too which made things worse. Now, I feel hollow inside. I have started to get bored of the stuff I used to really love doing and was aspiring but I am constantly negative and have trouble remembering/desire to learn but sometimes I get intense feeling of emotions just surge through and then intense feeling of depression.
  7. Classical and Baroque music. Wow gorgeous. It's an effective and a great pain killer. https://youtu.be/SL1GRzrexNs https://youtu.be/e80qhyovOnA
  8. Music is just music. It doesn't matter if it's religious or not. It matters of how it makes you feel.
  9. I wake up in the middle of the night at 2am always regardless of what I do. I have go through a very expensive and lengthy oral facial surgery because of my weak chin which causes all sorts of sleeping issues.
  10. Hey, don't feel bad that you have sleep apnea. It's okay. I am 31, and I have it too. The thing with sleep apnea is that it's down to multiple things. Your nose(deviated septum), oral health(whether you have an under or overbite) or whether you have a longer pallet. I have reached to the end of the road when it comes to my treatment as I have done everything from APAP to CPAP to mandibular advancement splint to now a very expensive surgery known as lower jaw advancement surgery.
  11. I have been through a lot of emotional pain. More so than most people. I have a pretty rough childhood. Uncle was a total piece of crap. He used to physically abuse me, and forced me to wash the dishes.I was also once locked inside a room because I didn't listen to him. I was slapped hard because it was the way I sit. Dad wasn't there to protect me. I was also used to get dragged out of bed because I hated getting up and going to school and thrown in the shower. Parents still keep tab of them and unfortunately, I can't move out because I have no money, plus I am mentally broken so I feel trapped here because parents are quite toxic themselves. Dad is source of this though. If you read all my posts, you can tell that life has been full of misery and pain and a lot of suffering and tragic events. With my health getting worse, weight gain, car accident, failing university multiple times, and just a few months ago, I had a broker steal all my money from my account(240k). LEA couldn't help me out. Not until after repetitive requests and that's still going on. My dad constantly blames me for losing the money when I have told him that it wasn't my fault. I also got blamed by my brother that I lost the money for going crazy. I didn't have the energy to back fire because I was so mentally and physically drained that I don't see any good coming out of fighting. At highschool I was very quiet and unfortunately although I made friends, I never really connected with anyone opposite of me because no one liked me. To this day, I am a lonely 31 year old male, that has never gone on a date/prom night/kissed anyone. My depression is so bad that I can't even approach anyone to ask because they are all taken and my anxiety kicks in because of the trauma I have suffered and my teeth aren''t straight yet - they are going to take a while to fix. But I have not killed/harmed or abused drugs or alcohol. What did I do to be on this planet? How do I recover from this?
  12. You see music helps calm anyone. From a scientific pov I think it's the harmonies/frequencies and are the same frequencies as humming or whistling that sooths the pain. I think it goes back to early childhood when we are all crying and our mother comforts us. Any sort of substance abuse. To me, they work chemically to enhance the brain but music to me does the same thing but it's way more potent. The deepness of love which to me is what is extremely pure and so rare to see in today's world. Article 'Healing Through Music' on health dot harvard dot edu
  13. But I do know that happiness does exist. We just have to keep searching until we find it.
  14. Not stigmatizing it but explaining that there is a secret that someone is hiding. The face and the way we grow and our faces grow, tells a thousand stories. It shows how much crap has been thrown in our faces but it also tells the state of health of a person. Our environment greatly affects the way we grow up and change to an environment. Viruses are no different. Our mouth is the most vulnerable places of our bodies and so is our reproductive organs too. I think this is nature's way of controlling our population. If you see that anti depressants are only given short term and it's with good reason.
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