Aislynn

Samak, Nobody is going to judge you. Nobody has the right to judge you. And everyone of us that suffer understands that WE judge ourselves enough, we certainly don’t need others to judge. We all make mistakes. We all mess up. It’s usually because we are struggling to cope and we do it the best we can. Anything that makes us feel even a little bit better we tend to latch onto, whether that be chemical, another person, an unhealthy habit or whatever. And we usually come down hard on ourselves for it. forgiving yourself isn’t saying it was perfectly ok to do, it means knowing you messed up and that you were in a bad place. If you can’t forgive yourself you’ll continue to beat yourself up in a major way, you will feel worse- which you probably feel like you deserve, and you DO NOT deserve to feel worse than you already do, which will just cause more difficulties for you. We all mess up. Sometimes in bad ways. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You already realize you made mistakes. You admitted it to yourself. That’s hard in itself. Knowing where you messed up and why it may have happened the way it did, you will hopefully not repeat the same behavior. All any of us can do is try to do better, which usually means figuring out a different way to cope with how we’re feeling. I used to SI. For years. I’d beat myself up and then repeat it all over again. At one point I simply didn’t care. I was hurting ME, not anyone else. I felt it was my body and I could do what I wanted with it. Tbh, I still feel that way but I haven’t SI in years. I also can’t remember what I actually did to stop. But I’m sure I replaced that behavior with something slightly less hurtful. If you don’t, it creates a vacuum, a void and if you don’t fill that void with a different coping behavior you will inevitably fill it with that same old behavior. It’s a vicious cycle. but first- try to understand and forgive yourself. Then move forward from there. baby steps. It’s all about those baby steps. And make sure you give yourself credit. We deserve credit, even for the smallest baby steps. To us they are huge and take a lot of struggle. So give yourself credit. Ais

Thank you everyone for the replies, they mean a lot. Merry Christmas for what it’s worth. i was feeling a bit better yesterday. But now I’m in tears. I guess my Christmas present is being verbally attacked by my adult daughter. Everything that doesn’t go right is my fault. Never does she take any responsibility. Then there’s her ex who is the biggest dead beat dad. The kids other grandmother who could help out but is to busy having fun. You’re very welcome daughter for me, on my own, solely supporting you and your 4 children until you decided to get a job 2 years later. You’re very welcome daughter for me not watching your 4 children, but for raising them while you are gone 22 out of 24 hours every day. Here’s my teeth, give a good kick please. im sorry. I’m simply hurting atm. More depressed than I was and feeling very beat up. i was dx’d more than 20 yrs ago with bp2 rapid cycling. I have more depression than anything so I think someone screwed up. Co-morbid include severe anxiety, ptsd, blah, blah, blah. Been through years of therapy, rather successfully I might add. Been through near all medications. Most I react badly to, so Drs have pretty much thrown up their hands. External sources play a huge part. I’m working on that. i know it’s possible to get to a better place, I was there before. I was a cake designer, sat on the NAMI board of directors for my local chapter and ran support groups for those with mental health illnesses for NAMI. I also did their newsletter. All at the same time while doing my own therapy and group therapy sessions and Drs and raising my toddler daughter, as well as fighting and winning custody back of my older/now adult daughter and having a third party find that my daughter was wrongfully removed from my custody. so I do know I can get to that place. If I can take care of me. But I can’t take care of me, so I’m just hanging on by my fingernails. At least I’m not SI. Even if I might like to. I know better. So that’s a quick rundown. i meditate and am trying to change my thought pattern. Which would go much better if I wasn’t surrounded by negative people who blame me just because it helps them feel better. anyway, I suppose I’d better go before I give more ammunition. thanks for listening. Ais

Oh well

Not sure how active this site is or which board is most currently active. It’s been many years since I sought support online. Last forum became a nightmare and I very nearly ended my life. So I’ve stayed far away, but I just need to not feel so dam alone. theres probably nobody around but I thought I’d at least try