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Everything posted by Ratvan

  1. Been taking it easy while still working, it has given me the time to think and reflect on things which is nice. I am still worried a lot about how angry I get in arguments. I know that everybody argues but these rows are getting crazy now. Honestly I say some truly horrific and hurtful things and all I can think is that i have turned into my father or step dad and I really hate that. They are both men that I wouldn't wish children to be around, to see myself turning into them is horrible
  2. Yeah 6-8 weeks, at least I'm working from home so I won't miss out on pay. I managed to get my shoulder back in myself. But might require surgery on it later depends on how the rotator cuff heals. The morphine allergy was the scariest. In seconds my vision tunnelled and my ears went muffled. My heart rate jumped from 52BPM to nearly 100 and yeah got a free adrenaline shot so that was fun
  3. I fell down the stairs, broke my collarbone and dislocated my shoulder. Good news was I was only at the hospital for an hour and a half. Including X rays and an allergic reaction to morphine
  4. Trying to listen to a Rancid Album - All the Moon stompers Actually listening to jackhammer outside my window
  5. Hi Paige, welcome aboard. Hope things start to pick up for you soon
  6. Random girl in the bar last night was flirting with me, haven't had that attention in a long while
  7. I'm with you, I think it is part of the reason why i am so angry, well that and its not a good time of the year for me. I am lucky i still have my Mrs, I really want to make this a good time of the year for her, but at the moment I just can't do that I feel like i am nothing more than a weight around these people's necks at the moment I'm going to get our Tree in from outside today and might decorate it and try and get into the swing of things, even if I have to fake happiness for a few more days 100%, the only good thing is the sales, can get all my birthdays and Christmas shopping done in the Boxing Day Sales
  8. Feeling like I should leave this country now
  9. Made it down safely and glad I didnt give up yesterday. Had a great day on a couple of beaches in my hometown with my brother and his dog. Very tired now and found some cool sharks teeth and fossilised Urchins
  10. It's a hard day today (2 years since my Grandad Passed) I just cant seem to focus, I'm not down (i dont think) I just cannot summon the energy to do anything at work other than be here and the simplest tasks. Got to go to my brother's house tonight which is nice apart from the 6 hour drive...
  11. angry and explosive, like my fuse is the tiniest stub at the minute
  12. Glad to hear it, I am sore as anything this morning and feeling extremely run down. I feel this way everytime I get my bloods and marrow tested
  13. It's coming up to the 2nd anniversaries of my cluster and I find it so strange that I feel like my entire life has been exactly like this and all I've ever known is this strange hollowness that just sits in the middle of me and yet it's so very heavy for something so empty. And yet the pain feels like it happened today 🤷‍♂️
  14. I've been talking to the Mrs about something like this, i'm planning on a bit of travel next year (for 6 months or so) and would love to meet some people off here, more to put a face to the name than anything else. I have a few friends on other forums that i'd love to visit. Also thinking about doing something like this for the elderly in my community, not MMA obviously, maybe something tamer like Thai Chi
  15. I'll be fine, usually the second wind comes in during the sparring warm up sessions, its just persuading myself to go to the gym and not my bed. I have another Charity fight coming up around New Years, not going to train as much as I did for the last one though (45+ hours a week)
  16. Just feel tired, just need to make it to 5pm tomorrow and I can relax for a couple of days. I managed to book off the dates that I know will act as a trigger for me, also aware that my Wife (yeah married now) is likely to have booked something in for my Birthday (28th November) which is also the date that my Grandfather passed. Hope that I'm not too down to enjoy that, it's difficult but honestly it's so nice to know that Megan loves me regardless of how i act. Just have to try and not "protect by pushing away" thats pretty hard to stop doing after coping that way for years. I still do my MMA every Tuesday and Thursday so need to summon the energy for that tonight, other than that life is continuing it's monotonous dirge Oh I am now the proud keeper of two Dwarf Moray Eels, (Flotsam and Jetsam), great fish to get me out of bed. They are not diurnal or nocturnal like most marine fish so are very active during the day. Interesting to see two 2" eels begging for breakfast in the mornings. These two do keep me going at the minute (everyone else is scared of feeding them) as they require multiple feeds per day. I cannot afford to have a day where i do not get out of bed which is a pretty good motivator
  17. I'm very aware that I have the anniversaries coming around again shortly, starts of my Birthday and continues through the New Year. I hate this season, i dont know how i made it through last year and worried ill again struggle this year
  18. Has it been a year already? wow Thank you too, you got me through some real sh'tty situations A lot of people here have
  19. I'm feeling pretty good. Not sure whether this is "normal" or the eye of the storm but things are a lot easier at the minute. Really tired however. Been in Australia for nearly 2 weeks now and my body still hasn't adjusted to the time zones. Its currently 01.20 where my body thinks it is 16:20 Couple more weeks then I am home and I bet I wont be able to readjust to Home Time for weeks as well
  20. Hi All, Sorry it has been a while since I have been online, I've been thinking about you and this place while I have not been around. Things have definitely changed with me. I am now Married to Megan, we got back together a few months ago, the both of us were so unhappy with the isolation and separation BUT we both identified some things about ourselves and each other that make us unhappy. I think the break did us both a world of good. We got married while we are in Australia. We decided to visit some of Megan's Family (Her Aunt) so have been here for about a fortnight now, while we were here we decided on the "spur of the moment" that we'd elope and on he 13th October 2019 we tied the knot. Before we went Megan started to see a Counsellor and has been diagnosed with depression. I have seen a number of other health care professionals and received a lot of different diagnoses, I dont agree with some of them but one in particular is hard for me to dismiss. Depression and Hypo mania. Makes more sense to me than a lot of things I have heard about myself. I still do a lot of work for charitable organisations and I have also got back into politics and attend quite a few marches and counter protests again, it is nice to be able to stand up for what I believe in. Hmmmm what else, still not getting any treatment for my Early Diagnosis of Polyscythemia Vera. I am only exhibiting a couple of the signs of this now and the majority of the side effects of the condition can be lessened by diet and exercise. I have however been given a home monitor for an INR test (Tests Bloods Ability to Clot) so I don't need to travel out of my way for a finger prick test, I can now do this at home. I can even travel with it. No new tattoo's yet. I will be getting something done around my ring finger for obvious reasons, maybe our names, maybe the date? I dont know, probably let megan pick That will do for now, hope you are all doing well. Matt
  21. I've met quite a few Premiership Footballers (Soccer Players) back in the Day when Portsmouth were in that league. I bump into quite a few singers and bands backstage as well at gigs and things. Had a good night drinking with Rancid in Dusseldorf years ago, that was a night to remember
  22. Had a mental health day and bunkered down with a duvet, soup and movie marathon
  23. Released from Hospital today, now sat at home. Beginning the start of my 3 weeks rest and recuperation bored already
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