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About Ratvan

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 11/28/1985

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Leeds, UK
  • Interests
    Football, Aquariums, Cats, Dogs, Aikido, Muay Thai, Boxing, Downhill BMX

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121 profile views
  1. Ratvan

    Ah Shite!

    It's not too bad, have to give bloods and marrow samples every 6 months, the plus side is I get a Cancer Card so I don't have to pay for Prescriptions, public transport etc. I'm really sad that i ruined my sobriety last night, I just needed to turn my head off Oh well, today is my first day sober (again)
  2. I'm so pleased for you Freya, I hope you continue to do well
  3. Ratvan

    I messed up my own health

    I'm so sorry you went through that, but you're not to blame at all. I understand the feeling of being fooled or played however far too well.
  4. Ratvan

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    I'm not feeling anything today, which is strange. I was told last night that I am more then likely to contract cancer in the near future (hereditary) at my Hospital Appointment. You know surprisingly I don't think that it has affected me. I just nodded and took the offered reading material. I hope it's not because I just can't take it in, although i don't feel that usual dark foreboding that usually comes from that I'm more upset that today my sobriety starts again from 0
  5. Ratvan

    Ah Shite!

    Just a quick update for today, so I had bloods taken a little while back as my family have a history of cancers on my maternal side. I went along to the Hospital last night and have been told that I carry the same Genealogy, so I have a lovely little print out that shows my chances of contracting different types of cancer and how much more likely I am to contract it then Joe Bloggs (Jane Doe, A Random etc). I left feeling very confused, so I don't have cancer but I could get it at any time, like anyone else then? Honestly I received so much "support" material that I can probably use it to create an Asian dining area. I guess that it is a good thing that they're doing, making sure you know what could happen. So anyways the ones that I am most likely to contract are the ones that my Grandfather passed away from are Polycythemia Vera (PV) and Leukemia, I have a 95% and 80% chance of getting these in the next 10-15 years. Awesome, you know I am not that bothered. My Grandad was diagnosed with PV in 2001-2002 and given 6 months to a year to live. He contracted(developed?) Leukemia in 2009 and was given a year at best. He passed away in 2017. He was happy and healthy (other than Cancer) and jolly until the very end. I remember when I saw him in hospital the day he passed away. He saw me and told me that I looked like shit, when he was laying there a skeleton with very very thin skin covering him. I miss him the most, he taught me how to be kind and that opening your heart is the most manly thing you can do. I do get to see them all this weekend, well I get to sit with them in the cemetery for a while when I go home to see my brother
  6. Ratvan

    Favorite Cartoon Character(s) 8-]]

    I forgot about Juniper Jungle. Miserable mattress and the nasties were great characters
  7. Ratvan

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    You and I seem identical
  8. Ratvan

    Re-Applied For Old Job Enquiry?

    Is the old job related to the new? I often leave Jobs off of my CV if they're not similar to the job i'm applying for. Worse case scenario claim it was a Temporary Administration Position that Terminated
  9. Hi to whoever is reading this, first things first. Don't worry , I am fine. These are feelings and not plans. I did not have the greatest day today, since I lost my Mum and her side of the family I reached out to my father to see whether there was a chance, any chance, no matter how small that maybe we could be in each others lives. I have not heard or seen him since I was 7 years old, I am now 33 so a long time has passed.I saw an email in my inbox from him and my heart leapt, I couldn't open it for a while. I had to let the maelstrom of emotions calm down. I had expected something, I had expected a start. I did not expect to come face to face with a two liner that basically said that he tried years ago and i rebuffed him. I was 12 ****ing years old when I didn't want to see him, 5 months after he broke 3 of my ribs. !!!!. So, I held it together until lunch time, i drove calmly away and parked up in a nearby car park that looks over a canal and marina. I opened the central console and just stared at the contents for a long long time. In here I keep several things, basically it is a suicide kit. pills, booze, syringe, noose etc(couple of breeze blocks in my car boot) , I felt so so low, i couldn't even cry. It wasn't just my dad, it was that and everything else. It's been over a year since i lost my family and I can still barely speak or think of them without an all crushing pain, it honestly knocks me over. I've been close to death a few times but never by my own hand. I held the rope in my hands for what felt like forever, the fibres cutting into my palm ans i played it round and round. After a little while I considered going through with it, what stopped me I honestly do not know. I'm just so tired of this, the ups and downs. I thought I was doing well, I hadn't looked at this kit for almost a month now. Christmas Day was when I last looked at it and really considered it. I would prefer to live without the Ups, they make the downs so much worse. I'm not going to empty the console, somehow having an end so available and so close makes things easier, i don't have that option. I have so many others not just this. I just wish I could see them Make yourselves visible!
  10. Ratvan

    What is your zodiac sign?

    This makes a little more sense to me, very similar to the Buddhist system. Although thinking about it, that makes sense since it was taken from the Chinese system. I know more about this if i may share? Zodiak Animal (Year Born) - General Personality Traits Inner Animal (Month Born) - your "place" in Society Secret Animal (Hour Born) - Your Emotions Patron: Diety related to your Zodiak Animal and protector of a Direction on Compass For me: I'm Ushi (Ox) Zodiak: Dependable, tranquil appearance despite workload Inu(Dog) Inner: Works for the "greater good" not interested in money or power Hebi(Snake) Secret: Karmic beast so I have High Highs and Low Lows. Diety and Direction: Kokuzo Bosatsu (The Treasure of Emptiness) and NE. The direction is important, the closer you are to N. The more likely you are to accept your impending death. Treasure of Emptiness is an interesting fact of the protector as it encourages looking after your mind and wisdom above all else.....
  11. Today I am feeling Purple, fuelled by a focussed rage
  12. Ratvan

    funny miscommunications

    I love any Spoonerisms, "I'm not worring my slurds"
  13. Ratvan

    What would you like to buy

    A Ticket to Japan
  14. Ratvan

    What Did You Do Today? #2

    Forced myself into work, did not want to go. In fact for the past few hours been cursing my sobriety.
  15. Ratvan

    Natasha1's "How Is Your Weather Today?" #18

    I'll swap with you, city centre living