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SavyM

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  1. SavyM

    Confused and hurting

    nobody ever teaches you how important self-love is, how you need it to get through this life. I don't think I have ever loved myself or learned how to. I came to this realization in my counseling session. I didn't even realize how much I despised myself and loathed myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself for years because of my self-hatred. I don't take care of myself because I don't see the point in doing so. A part of me feels I am purposefully making myself miserable because I know what changes I need to make to not feel so depressed and numb, but I just have no motivation to do them. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling as though I'm failing at life. I hate feeling that I have absolutely no purpose in life. Yet I don't do anything to change it. It makes me lazy and stupid which fuels the self-loathing. i feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and it makes me so mad at myself. I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind. I feel like I'm being crazy and seeking attention, feeling sorry for myself. I was in a very bad place a couple of years ago and I can understand why life was so difficult for me, but now since the depression is different, it feels like I'm just making excuses. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand what I feel, but I know it's making me not want to exist anymore. It's weird I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to BE anymore.
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