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About SavyM

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  1. It's been a while since I've been on this site, i remember writing on it once and it made me feel a little better so I figured I would give it a shot again. I am not doing okay, I don't remember the last time I cried this much; I literally cannot stop crying. I have pushed all of my friends away this year with my behavior and attitude. I think I have officially reached the end of my rope and it is becoming so hard to hold on. I keep having very dark thoughts and they scare me, but the idea just seems so appealing. I am trying not to give in to the darkness, I try to keep myself busy and continue to do things to try and feel better, but the tears always come back and the thoughts fill my head. I don't know what to do, I feel so alone, but I know its my own fault for not making the changes I should have. I start to get on the right track and then I mess up again; usually because of alcohol. I know alcohol messes me up, but I think I can handle it and not go over board because I'll be fine, but then I do. I can't keep doing this. I need help.
  2. I'm sorry you feel this way. You are absolutely right and I hope you don't forget that either. We are strong and it will get better
  3. Yeah, it was hard to face that truth about myself, I guess I always knew it but never said it out loud. I know depression makes you do certain things like procrastinate, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm using depression as an excuse. It really gets to me, but then I don't change it. Thank you for your reply, I really do need to learn how to be kinder to myself and it helps to know someone else feels the same way.
  4. Thank you! I will definitely check it out. I'm hoping to start seeing someone more regularly to really figure out what is going on in my head and why.
  5. nobody ever teaches you how important self-love is, how you need it to get through this life. I don't think I have ever loved myself or learned how to. I came to this realization in my counseling session. I didn't even realize how much I despised myself and loathed myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself for years because of my self-hatred. I don't take care of myself because I don't see the point in doing so. A part of me feels I am purposefully making myself miserable because I know what changes I need to make to not feel so depressed and numb, but I just have no motivation to do them. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling as though I'm failing at life. I hate feeling that I have absolutely no purpose in life. Yet I don't do anything to change it. It makes me lazy and stupid which fuels the self-loathing. i feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and it makes me so mad at myself. I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind. I feel like I'm being crazy and seeking attention, feeling sorry for myself. I was in a very bad place a couple of years ago and I can understand why life was so difficult for me, but now since the depression is different, it feels like I'm just making excuses. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand what I feel, but I know it's making me not want to exist anymore. It's weird I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to BE anymore.
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