I've lurked around for a little while, and just wanted to throw this out...I'm sure there has to be someone experiencing the same thing.
I'm male, married, and have a toddler.
My official dx from my psychiatrist is Major Depression (recurrent) and anxiety.
For about 20 years now, I have hated the month of December. Multiple reasons. Birthday month (each one just got depressing after 21...in my upper 30's now). Parent's divorced in December when I was in high school. That's an enormous can of worms for another time, but I'll say that my dad and I live about a mile from each other and are not on speaking terms...nor do I want to be. My parents were in the process of their divorce when my brother and I were living with our dad in the home we grew up in, and my mom came over for the day to cook christmas dinner and watch us open presents from 'Santa'. Pretty much the most joyless manifestation of the holiday I've ever experinced, and it has stuck with me.
Well, we're into December, and right on schedule things hit the fan. My dad's sister died. I had to see him when I went to the funeral home. No words or glances exchanged, as he and my evil stepmother have disowned me. Went back to work for the night, coming home from work I had to stop and help with a motorcycle accident (I used to work in a medical field), patient had exposed fractures, I arrived before medics and rendered care until they arrived.
Before I mention what really set things off, I'll preface that my wife is a saint, but belongs to a musical ensemble that has multiple performances every weekend in a town about an hour away during the christmas season. She often leaves on Thursdays and takes the kid (which is completely fine...her parents live there and can care for him, I cannot care for the child 24/7 due to multiple spine fusions and continuing pain issues).
The day before my birthday, my wife asked me what I was thinking about. That's where I screwed up. I told her the same thing I tell her every year....I want to skip the month of December and move straight to January. I told her not to do anything for my birthday because it didn't matter anyway, and I just wanted to get everything over with re: xmas.
Understandably, this set her off. I was told that if I ruin Christmas for our toddler then...well....she really didn't finish that though. But it was one of only two or three times she's spoken to me in pure anger in the 15 years we've been together.
My standard response to these situations is to close myself off. If I say nothing, then I won't say anything to exacerbate.....but if I remain silient, it will make things worse anyways.
The day after all that happened I saw my therapist in the morning (conveniently already scheduled). He suggested writing a letter so I could take time to choose my words. I wrote an email and told her that I would not be home until late that evening, because it was probably best I not be around due to the anger/sadness/whatever the heck I was feeling. I have never harmed myself, I have never laid a hand on another person in anger, and I have never been unfaithful to my wife. In the letter I re-iterated why I despise this time of year. I told her I would be safe that night, but I would be home late.
I put over 100 miles on my car that night just driving aimlessly/listening to music/trying to process everything.
We're about three days removed from that episode and I've pretty much been in a coccoon. Wife and kid left for weekend today due to extended concert schedule.
I just feel numb. No joy in any aspect of the season. I don't want to see xmas lights when I'm out and about.
But I don't want to ruin it for my family. Starting lightbox therapy soon, but at a loss otherwise.
Current psych meds: Wellbutrin SR 150mg qam, Olanzipine 5mg qpm, Effexor 34.5?mg qpm. Klonopin scheduled, Ativan for breakthrough. Also followed by pain management for continuing spine issues. I do take pain medication for those issues. I do not abuse them. I have been with my pain doctor for a decade (through three spine surgeries) now, and have passed every urine screen and pill count.
I'm just at a loss. Someone out there has to have to have some kind of siimilar situation. How the heck do I get through this month with my demons and not ruin it for my wife and kid????
Sorry for writing such a long post.