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TheLastOutPost

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About TheLastOutPost

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  1. How much more of this can I withstand? How many more years? How many more false-starts? How many more orgasms by myself? I can't keep getting knocked down to the mat like this. They tell you to keep your chin up, but at age 38, how many more uppercuts to the jaw can I absorb? Okay, lemme rewind. So, last month I started a new job, one with some promise, since the actual work is tolerable- in contrast to most of my prior jobs. But the people who work in the office I'm in are so incredibly stuck-up I think if I had a coronary they would notice to the same degree that they notice when the printer is out of ink. This new job I got via assignment through a temp agency after relocating to my "hometown" after years away. Also, this town is home to the state's "Polytechnic" university, where if you aren't a student or a graduate of this school, they think you're some sub-human imbecile. It's one of those big state schools where the university is the raison d'etre for the whole area, and the local media will literally print stories about the school installing new dog pooper-scooper stations along walking paths on campus, as if the provost of Harvard will catch wind of it and declare, "We're closing! We just can't compete with V. Tech!" So anyway, I'm no goddamn Hokie and this place is basically an extension of the campus, so of course almost everyone in that place has their master's degree from there and they have it in their heads that they're all a bunch of Thomas Edisons giving the world a new version of the light bulb every time they take a shit. There's this chick that sits two cubes down from me who is so goddamn arrogant, and so convinced of her manifest intellect, that on 2 occasions now I've passed her in the hallway, greeted her by name only to have her look me right in my eyes and form an expression on her face that says, "Who told that animal it's allowed to speak at me?" And the whole town is like this. A common suggestion I get is, "You should pursue your interests in like a Meetup.com group or something. Or get on a dating app." Decent concept, except everyone involved in anything around here is affiliated with the university, and are unwelcoming to people like me who didn't join their flock. Women just put their degree and their graduating year in their dating profile and that's it! Now to really put the cherry on top, my first day there my manager is walking me around and introducing me to people, and she leads me into this chick's office, and as I round the corner the name tag on the door sparks a memory association that I haven't thought about in literally two decades. I went to high school with this girl and she was a total asshole then and hasn't a bit. She gave me this look like, "You are human garbage." After 20 ****ing years! It tells me she hasn't had much life experience between then and now, but she's some kind of manager due to swimming through the Tech system of internships in town. So, in addition to trying to establish myself in the office, a difficult task in most scenarios, I have this poison pill running around quietly whispering shit-talk about me behind my back. It's just endless. Shit stacked on top of shit on top of more shit. And all I want to do is work there for a while and save up some money and move several hours away from here where there's more to life than tailgating 5 times a year as the university plays a week football schedule so they can guarantee themselves a bowl game and convince themselves in the local media that they're the greatest college town since Athens, Greece. But after a few weeks it's becoming abundantly clear that I'm not welcome there. But it took two and a half months to land this gig and if this falls through I don't know what I'm gonna do. Ah well, after 20 years of heavy depression there isn't much time left anyway. I'm not tall, dark, and handsome so I have little social currency. I'm the opposite: a short, chubby, ginger. I'm socially bankrupt! I can finally admit to myself at this stage that there isn't "someone for everyone", and some people will never fit in, and society just doesn't give a ****. Gravestones are grey for a reason: because they mark yet another unremarkable body. And that's what I've been my whole life- a walking tombstone that maybe 3 or 4 people would even know about it. The rest are the busy-people in society who matter. And in a place like this college town, if you aren't a part of the beehive, you're just a walking-tombstone. -The Last Outpost
  2. Hello. I'm not sure what to say; I'm severely depressed currently, and have been for a long, long time - decades, if I had to guess. I suppose at the time that it really set in, in those last couple years of high school, I ignored it with the assumption that once I got to college, life would "begin" and happy days would reign supreme. How wrong I was, as college only added another dimension to the suckitude. Sure, I was sparked by my studies, but due to a complicated set of events, that bridge to a decent and fulfilling life was taken from me, and when I dropped out of school after being forced to change majors at the end of my 3rd year; I was left with tens of thousands of dollars in debt, no degree, and no entry-point into a promising career or company. Then The Suck really grabbed me by the throat, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, "Now what?" The rest of my adulthood have been several lonely dead-ends, a few promising detours that quickly turned into surprise cul-de-sacs, a bout with cancer, and depression so intense I feel like I'm about to drop into some abyss at any given moment. I'm 38, live at my mom's, and struggle with an ongoing auto-immune condition that has drained much of my little available income after paying bills. I can't get a girlfriend b/c I'm short, a result of my truncated growth-spurt in high school due to my health condition that I was diagnosed with at age 5. One of the things that kept me going in my 20s was a couple of long-term friends, who aided my struggle in life through laughter and good spirit (mostly); but as my 30s are now approaching their sunset, even they have receded into the shadows. Aside from my mother, I have no support structure. And more to the point, most people I meet at various jobs I've had over the past decade don't just overlook, but they actively dislike me, before I have the chance to really get to know them. Ever hear the phrase, "gingers have no souls"? I have, cuz I'm a short ginger, with acne scars to boot. I mean, you wouldn't believe the amount of contempt and resentment that gets smuggled into the collective-unconscious in the form of "jokes" at an out-group's expense until you're one of them. Alone I walk this world these days, having tried desperately to right the boat that is my stupid, cursed life for all these years. I usually like to think of the life of the loner as one of quiet dignity, like some ronin negotiating his path on his own terms ; in my case though, it increasingly feels like Fate quietly snickering at me as I turn every corner. Now, have I been some continuous victim all this time, all these years? No. I've made mistakes and miscalculations. I've returned fire when it would have been better to take the hit and carry on unhindered. I don't want to paint the picture that somehow I've been some choir boy, but I just feel like I've been unfairly burdened throughout most of my life and in ways that have been disproportionate to any transgressions I may have committed. At this point in my journey, I'm just not sure how much more of this I'm gonna stick around for. I guess I need to say some of this while there's still time. I don't even know what good coming to this forum may possibly achieve, and if anything, I guess I'm sticking a note in a bottle and casting it out to the waters' whims, not really expecting a reply....or anything, really. I guess most of us here are adrift to some degree. And maybe this message will wash up on your shore, wherever that may be, and you'll say, "I see something of myself in this." Anyway, thank you for reading. -The Last Outpost
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