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About susandirs

  • Birthday 04/17/1981

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    Science. Video Games. Counseling.

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  1. I hope writing all that was therapeutic for you. You have a poetic way of writing. I'm glad the last few days were better for you. At least, I think they were because it says that in the first half of the post, but it feels like two seperate posts were stitched together here. All things are temporary, even this. Just try to be glad for the time you have with the important people in your life, and ignore any anxiety over not having those people as a resource in the future. It'll eat you up and just makes you need more support. A vicious cycle.
  2. Even a useless idiot deserves to be happy. And you do too. Hang in there. Life doesn't look like it does on TV with everything wrapped up nice and neat, but things don't stay bad forever. It can't rain all the time.
  3. Sometimes it feels like you are trapped by your feelings. Like you are always going to feel this way. Just know that this too is temporary. Not every day will be as bad as this one, some will pass by where everything is the same but you just feel a bit better about your situation and a bit less envious of those feeling good. Your situation reminds me of my own. My last job was as a suicide hotline counselor, but I no longer feel I can handle that kind of work. Haven't worked a real job in the last three years. But I give myself credit for the small victories and bits of progress I make and recently started a habbit of socializing again. I've been feeling a little better lately and came here to post as much. The last few days have been downright tolerable. I don't feel amazing, but I feel better than I have in a long time. I'll be rooting for you to feel better too.
  4. Our brains are basically learning computers. This helps keep us safe and has an evolutionary advantage. Your brain has learned from experience that your decisions are "wrong". Perhaps this may be only particular to the situation and so your brain has over-generalized and now sees every decision, even what food to eat or what music to listen to as being a potentially "wrong" decision. Restaurant owners understand people can be this way, yet still function as part of society dependant on guidance until they feel sure that what they have been doing under guidance is correct, or at least "not wrong". Find someone you can trust, but not someone who controls you or takes advantage of your lack of confidence. Find something or someone to live for or else every time you evaluate the decisions you have made, it will be processed through the filter of what your mind has already learned. Everything you know is wrong, black is white, up is down, and short is long. You can't live like this. Find something, or someone. If no one around you knows what you want, start talking about it. There may just be someone who is hoping to find someone to help.
  5. Feelling like a burden is part of the symptom of depression. Don't buy in to that narrative if you can avoid it. It sounds like you are dealing with this pretty much alone because you are afraid to worry anyone. That sucks. Sorry that you have the depression all riding on you and you alone. Here's hoping you feel better and get some more good replies here.
  6. We are social creatures so it's normal to need others in your life. You just don't want to be too dependent on other people's input, especially every day multiple times a day. Try to remember that people are thinking about you and have interest in you even when there isn't a text there saying so at the moment. You are thought about even when someone doesn't take the time to give you that validation via message at the moment.
  7. You are not the burden, your panic and depression are the burden. I would just say love yourself and count yourself of worthy of love and acceptance. I would wish you would not need to worry as much about keeping the crazy tucked in, just explain the symptoms as they come. I doubt anyone needs you to be absolutely perfect to be worthy of acceptance because nobody is perfect. If the people around you were perfect, you wouldn't feel unloved because in a perfect world they could be loving and accepting all the time, and you wouldn't feel so alone. Though it seems you are all alone, there are others going through what you are going through. Here's hoping you get some relief from your symptoms and feel better soon.
  8. I think first you need to acknowledge that you are worth doing things for. If you would go to school for someone else, you should be willing to exert that same level of effort for yourself. It's hard to do things for yourself when you feel like you are not worth it or you generate all your self esteem by pleasing others.
  9. I can't really say when your inspiration will come back. Sometimes you have to force yourself to get started on something for it to grow and take shape. Try composing without inspiration and see what comes of it. Maybe nothing, maybe it will finally trigger new inspiration.
  10. Sometimes physical pain gets us out of our head and our messed up thoughts for a moment. For a moment you were absorbed with something that is not your thoughts and I can understand that.
  11. I'm sorry you feel worthless. You are not worthless to your partner or you wouldn't be together. Have you tried finding a good therapist? Or medication could be part of the solution. Here's hoping you feel better and get some relief.
  12. You have a lot of good insight. You know why you isolate and also the cons that go along with isolating. We all are foolish or fake to some degree. Find someone you trust, at least a therapist, that you can be vulerable with. If not a co-worker, then someone else. Find other things that you can think about to try and break the obsession if you can. I know that it's hard and takes effort, but see if you can find a hobby, tv show, or something else besides what you've been obsessed about to fill your head. Here's hoping that you find some outlet in your life that feels safe enough for you to open up. At the very least, you've posted here, and that's something.
  13. Sounds like you have yourself a relationship to look forward to developing. When we're really focused on our health being bad, we can worry ourselves sick and it sounds like that's part of what you are dealing with. Focus on that relationship as the positive in your life. You have someone that you love and they care about you back, that much is clear from your description. I would agree with your Mom that it sounds like the start of a relationship.
  14. Sorry to hear your depression is so debilitating. Find simple things you enjoy during the day to take a break from stressing about bills. I can't say how to pay your bills, but just stressing is eating you up it sounds like. Here's hoping you feel a bit of relief, for what it's worth.
  15. Don't be afraid to tell other people you've been feeling depressed, especially if it's a supportive person who could offer up encouragement. That's what I would recommend. That you were seeing a therapist is really good, better than a friend or family member. I wish you could continue to see a therapist still, but understand the time restrictions and insurance restrictions. Maybe you could do over-the-phone counseling? If that's available, it'd be good.
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