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regularpal

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  1. regularpal

    Signs Of Emotional Wall Built?

    Hello, I may be a little late to the thread. From what I've experienced, there are a few different "emotional walls" and I'm unsure which one would apply most to you. There are relationship boundaries which usually have kids, spouse, and parents at the center, close friends, siblings, non-immediate family in the next layer, regular friends, co-workers, and classmates in the next layer, and then strangers, acquaintances in the final layer. Sometimes when you are in emotional turmoil, these boundaries kind of get mixed and matched and end up looking a little family. You might push your spouse and family to the very edge and all but kick them out of your life, but turn around and dump every problem you have onto a stranger on the internet or in a bar. With this type of emotional barrier, you will feel your raw emotions and let them make all the decision making, which usually isn't healthy. Another, probably more appropriate "emotional wall" may be compartmentalizing your feelings. Whenever you should be angry about something (such as finding out someone cheated on you, or forgot your birthday), you might instead react calmly and dismiss the issue without doing anything to rectify the situation. You might hide your happiness or excitement because you are overly modest or timid. Usually, these repressed emotions that hit the wall and bounce off, sit inside you and turn into different, more complicated feelings such as sadness, regret, or frustration. These types of emotions use different outlets than the more raw ones. Your temper may become shorter, or your mood will change more frequently. Which one are you concerned about?
  2. Thank you for the kind words. I just wish there was a better, more clear way to handle the situation. At this point I'm probably trying to put him on the right track for selfish reasons.
  3. I stopped going to Therapy about 3 months ago, simply due to the fact that after a year of it, my reserve of money started dipping to the point I became stressed (not poor, just miserly). Additionally, my boss didn't come out and say that I was taking too much time out of work, but I felt that I was, so that was another decision that pushed me away from therapy. Lastly, After a year of therapy (at one point it was 7 hours a day), there is only so much information they can give that I haven't already been told a hundred times. The part I need is application, not acquisition. I would love to fix myself, but I feel like this is where the issue is. My life hasn't fallen apart yet, I'm just petrified it will end up that way. This feels like a chance to prove that I'm fit to deal with people, but I also feel like this is not the correct way for friendships to be. How close should you be to someone before it becomes unhealthy? Or, maybe I am just making excuses to justify by problems.
  4. Thank you for the reply. I don't expect to have a perfect relationship. I just want to be around people without turning into a mentally unstable person. It doesn't help that I don't typically have the ideal goal of finding a wife, a soul-mate, and having children to run around my house in a suburban neighborhood. Instead, I just enjoy being close to anyone and everyone, too close, as it seems. I'm hoping that, given more time, I'll learn be fix that issue.
  5. regularpal

    self medication with food

    That's awesome dude. I'm happy that she was able to give some advice. If you'd be willing, I'd love to hear what advice she gave, and maybe I could try it out too. Also, support groups are amazing. Sadly, I never knew how helpful they were until I stopped going and had nobody to vent to.
  6. regularpal

    Just gave up in this class for no reason

    I'm happy to hear it isn't a breaking point, but forgive me if I ask you to re-evaluate. Depression is not like a cold where the symptoms start, get stronger, then go away. Depression is when you lose the will to be your best. And each time depression causes you to not do something, you build up a little more regret, which feeds the depression, which causes you to further lose motivation. It's an ugly cycle that won't get better if you don't fight it. Maybe school isn't for you. Or maybe you are just burned out. Either way, it comes down to a balance between motivation and discipline. If the motivation starts dropping, you need to use more discipline to keep trucking along. Don't give up and miss out on getting your education part way through. If you feel like this is depression, reach out and find out! Like I said, it's an ugly snowball that will get bigger if you don't stop it early. And if it isn't depression, then dig in and use pure grit to finish this out. You deserve to reap the rewards that you planted, and depression or no depression I know you can do it, don't let lack of motivation be what convinces you otherwise.
  7. So, I'm the kind of person that has zero close friends. Those that were, want nothing to do with me. I don't blame them, I ended up turning into this ridiculously clingy person that hated the idea of not being with them, and got angry whenever they turned down plans or tried to leave early. That was no relationship that they deserved, so I finally let go of them and sought out help at long last. During my year of therapy, I have not exactly been cured of my issues, and instead chose to live a life independent of other people that I might grow close to. It wasn't hard, my family and friends already hated me, so I just stopped trying to reach out to them, and instead focused on finding ways to spend my time now that I had plenty of spare time. I know this isn't the answer, but it's working, I am honestly happier, I'm not suicidal anymore, and I'm not being a burden on anyone else. Sounds good, right? Sadly, no one can stay alone forever, and due to the type of job I have, I tend to see a lot of sad people. Usually, I just direct them to someone who can help. I direct them to therapy, religious outlets, sexual assault agencies, behavioral help, etc. One of these people that I directed along, I accidently bumped into again while I was making coffee for my co-workers. He wandered in, and I offered him coffee. I recognized him, and he recognized me, but he appeared in no mood to talk. Choosing a life of solitude tends to warp your personality a bit, so my socially starved self doesn't tend to accept silence as the optimal way to handle things. I forced some small talk, and eventually breached the topic of asking how he is doing after my recommendation. He told me that the counsellor didn't really help, and he wasn't planning on going back. I apologized for giving poor advice, but he thanked me for at least trying to help. He seemed really grumpy, so it surprised me that he was being polite to me. Anyhow, we moved along, and the next day I bumped into him again, although he had a coffee mug in hand this time. That soon became our pattern, that I would make coffee for everyone, and he would be there at the same time I was making it. Usually our conversations were light, but after a week of this, he suddenly dumped some heavy news on me. I was taken aback, but I sat down and poked a bit at the topic before we had to get back to work. Now, a serious thing to note here is that for over a year, I have never interacted with someone outside of work, unless it was to do a favor (bring jumper cables to someone stranded, assist with moving furniture, give a drunk person a ride home, etc.). For whatever reason, that day I asked him if he wanted to have lunch together, or meet up after work so we'd have time for me to hear his full story. I went against my one and only rule, and I think that is where I went wrong. I decided to spend time with him for a couple of reasons: He told me that he had absolutely no friends to vent to, he was physically attractive, and I feel like I failed him by being unable to direct him to proper help. After that day (we ended up grabbing dinner together and having a few drinks), we became inseparable. His wife has kicked him out of his house (it's his house, he's the one who purchased it and has paid half of it off already, she's just moved into it about a year ago), he has no other friends, and he tends to do stupid things if he's left to himself for too long. Due to these things, I didn't initially see it as unhealthy that we spent almost all day every day together. We work together, after work we usually go to my place or sometimes his makeshift apartment (He continues paying for the house, and also an apartment), and spend the rest of the evening together. He hates the apartment because it's small and he usually just ends up missing his wife and getting sad or worked up, so most of the time he just stays the night at my place. It was pretty much after the first night that I finally saw that I was becoming co-dependent again. I had invited him to spend thanksgiving with me, and he said he felt like that was intruding so he would do his own thing. This made me upset, but I didn't push the subject. That night on thanksgiving, he called me, but because I was in a bad mood towards him, I ignored it and went to sleep. The next day he stopped by my office and told me that he had attempted to go home and see his wife. The night ended poorly, and ended up with him being escorted off the premises by the police. I read the police report, and I heard his side of the story, and between the two I believe I have a good idea of what happened. I called him an idiot for doing that, and if he keeps trying too hard to save his marriage, he's going to end up in jail, out of work, and still no marriage. I currently pretty much stick up his butt to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his situation worse, but I'm worried I'm using that as an excuse. I know my co-dependent signs. I don't know if this is a full relapse or not. I told him my concerns one night, and he didn't mind. I told him all my old friends hate me, and he said I went to therapy and he trusts that I learned from my mistakes. I told him I was co-dependent in the past and I would probably manipulate him to stay close to him, and again he said he trusted that the therapy corrected that, and that he would be alert to see if I was being manipulative. I told him I was bisexual and attracted to him, and he said he didn't mind, I was a good friend helping him through a hard time and that as long as I kept it right there he didn't have any problems with it. I was thrilled to know he trusted me so much, but it didn't mean much considering he's desperate just to have someone to talk to. I waited for his birthday, and I convinced myself that I would start putting distance between us until he just kind of forgot about me. His birthday came, and I did my best to make it as cheery as I could for him. Sometimes he got sulky and would look on Facebook or Snapchat to see if his wife would even bother to reach out to him. I kept him distracted, and the night ended pretty good. The next day he asked to come over and finish the rest of his birthday cake for breakfast. I told him that I was just gonna have a lazy day and stay in bed. I never told him I suffer from depression, and I like to think I cover up the signs pretty well, so I figured he wouldn't think much of a statement like that. About 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him, and he says he's outside and coming in, apparently having a lazy day isn't an excuse to keep people away. We spent the whole day together, I insisted on staying in bed and whining whenever he tried to get me to go out. He ended up leaving, buying sushi, bringing it back and serving it to me in bed and asking me if everything was all right because I don't typically act this way. It hurt my very soul to hear him be concerned for me, and then I panicked because maybe I had did this on purpose and I told him I was manipulating him, but he said he was doing this because he wanted to. Since then, I've been trying to push him to make friends, so that way when I try to slip under the radar he will be distracted. Unfortunately, he refuses to be around women for fear that his wife will see it, and because of his nature (He is a little cocky because he knows he is attractive) it is hard to find any guys that he meshes well with. Eventually, I drug him out to a bar and made him sit around to see what conversation would happen. He kept to himself, and this frustrated me, because people would try to talk to him and he would only make small talk and not try to keep any conversation going. Eventually, I started buying drinks for him, hoping he would get out of his shell. It worked, but it was also the biggest mistake I could have made. He started chatting with people, and this one woman blatantly asked for the man sitting next to him to move because she wanted a bar seat (It was crowded that night), and then she started flirting with him. I was tickled to death that he was finally talking with someone happily, so I left them alone and went to hide in my car because I have zero interest in interacting with people outside of work. I waited a bit and check in with him and he was chatting with the same woman, and still drinking. I asked what he wanted to do tonight because he wasn't driving, and the lady said she was gonna give him a ride back. I left, and today he told me he slept with her. So now his wife is cheating on him, he cheated on her, and I'm reminded that I'm a miserable human being that needs to keep to himself. How do I get rid of him? I am happy and get actual human interaction around him, but it's damaging him. I should have insisted he spend thanksgiving with me. I should not have taken him to a bar. I should have tried finding other help for him (he exhausted all of my usual resources and said he didn't like any of them because they all said he needed to get a divorce but he loves his wife). I should have dropped him when I realized how attached I was getting. I don't know what to do. If things keep going like the way they are, his life is going to get worse due to my actions (I know he is the one making it worse, but I am the one that is enabling it). If we split ways, I'm sure his life will get worse still and I'll blame myself for not trying to help more, plus I'll go back to my lonely life style which won't be as easy since I was reminded how nice it is to be around someone. I'm not ready to deal with people yet, I need more time to fix myself. Sorry for the massive post, there's a lot on my mind and no where to put it.
  8. regularpal

    Just gave up in this class for no reason

    Hello @werise55, Oh dear, sounds like a breaking point if I've ever heard on. Whenever I have a work project coming around and I need to get it done, and done correctly, sometimes I just reach this level of not caring that grinds me to a halt. I just start wondering why I even bother doing this job. I start wondering if I just curled into a ball and did nothing for a few days, how uncaring the world would be as it kept turning and moving along. I don't know if that's similar to what you are going through, but I know the end result is the same in that I end up not turning in the work assignment. Thankfully, I am so lucky to work around people that show concern instead of anger when I just flaunt my duties. They know I'm a good worker, and passionate about what I do, so when I drop the ball and make no effort to pick it up, they sit me down pretty much make a step by step schedule for me on how to get it done. Over time, I skipped that step, and whenever I feel the motivation to do my work slip away, I just sit down and start making my step by step schedule. It's no longer a question of if I want to do it, it's no longer even a question at all. I just write down what I'll do each day, each hour, and then I start doing it. I put little check marks when I finish each step, and I don't stray from the plan. Why should I stray from the plan? I don't plan on doing anything else except crawling into bed and staring at my ceiling, but that can wait. It has to wait. That's what helps me, and I hope it is something you'll consider when you are deciding to do your assignment or not. It's not a question of if you want to pass this class or not. It's just a matter of how you plan to do the assignment. Best of luck to you, we're here for you!
  9. regularpal

    self medication with food

    I don't know if it will help, but whenever I have the urge to do something that I will regret later and no one is around to help me (including but not limited to: staying in bed all day, eating pure junk food, drinking alcohol, texting someone I probably shouldn't, etc.), I have a playlist of music on my phone that I use. It is a very select type of music that relates to exactly how sad I am feeling, but it gives lots of encouragement. Usually the beat is really fast, but not always. Once I have my playlist going at a loud enough volume, I just start dancing. By no means am I any good at dancing, but I'm all alone so I can do whatever I want. I hop around on my bed, roll around on the floor, twerk with me feet in a chair, you name it I've probably tried to do it. Sometimes I'm just so sad that when the music relates to me, I just start bawling my eyes out, but I keep dancing around. By the end of it, the music shifts over to just being happy, upbeat stuff, and I'm usually tired and ready to eat a real meal. Also, since it is officially December, another method I use to distract myself is wrapping. I went out last year and bought a lot of wrapping paper when it was on sale, and this year, whenever I am feeling down, I just grab some random item in my house and start wrapping it. Once it's wrapped, I stick it under the tree. I mean, I have no one else, so at least having something wrapped under the tree would be nice. Plus, I didn't go out and indulge in a shopping spree to wrap stuff. It's cheap, it's easy and convenient, and it doesn't push me over the top into a manic phase. If I don't feel like wrapping, but I'm feeling really down, I just grab one of the presents and unwrap it. Sometimes I forget what it was, and I get a little giggle when I open it and see the empty box my Christmas lights came in. I giggle because I remember how awkward it was to string the lights into the tree and how I accidently ripped off a few branches. I giggle because I remember the same night I wrapped that box, I was dancing around with a partially assembled Christmas tree. It helps. In some small way it helps. Lastly, I like to browse the internet for ideas of what I can hand-make for the guys and gals at the old folks home. I plan to visit them a few days before Christmas, and I want to make sure I have made enough gifts to hand out to anyone who wants one. I plan on taking pictures of each step of the process when I am making each gift, and I'll add the pictures in the present too. I also make sure not to stay up late. That is my absolute WORST enemy, is the night time. When the sun goes down, my thoughts get worse. So it's an early bed time for me, and that goes a long way in keeping myself in a good spot. These are just a few ideas. They don't always help me, but it's my first line of defense, and it does a pretty good job. You're doing great so far, and now you just have to find the right ways to cope now. We're here for you!
  10. regularpal

    feeling exhausted

    I'm happy to hear that you're going to go hiking and skiing! I would definitely like to see some pictures if you get the chance! Be careful that you don't overload yourself though. Sometimes I get these sudden energetic moods and plan to do this and that, and then the energetic mood wears off and I suddenly don't want to do any of those things, and then feel like I let myself down. There is a delicate balance of being active and having your recover time. If you end up feeling overwhelmed and unable to go on these trips, don't worry! It'll still be there whenever you feel like doing it again. Also, that negative self talk that you do in your head is definitely bad for you, but ignoring it sometimes ends just as badly. Make sure to find a healthy outlet for it! Anyhow, I hope you enjoy yourself! If you ever find yourself in the California area, I could recommend some great hikes!
  11. regularpal

    feeling exhausted

    Hello @sad in grand Rapids, I can't really offer any help in the ways of medicine as I have refused any option to start taking anti-depressants. What I do know is that a common side effect for most (more modern) medicines is a decrease in appetite, as well as disruptions of common sleep cycles. My advice is to put as much structure into your life as possible by sticking to 2-3 meals a day at a set time. The more you can eat, the better, because that will be energy you can burn off. Consider having a set sleeping schedule, such as be in bed by 9 pm and get out of bed at 5 am. It may be hard to get into that schedule, but if you just brute force it in the mornings and climb out of bed at 5 every single morning, your body will acclimate and it will get easier each time. My daily schedule is to wake at 5, go for a morning run, eat at around 6-7. Work. Lunch at 12. Finish work. gym or 30 minute nap. Dinner at 5. free time. Climb in bed at 9. Having structure like that helped me considerably when I went through a phase of just lying in bed the entire day. Eventually, my body would decide it was dog tired and I would know it was about 9 at night. And my body would wake up on it's own before my 5 o'clock alarm went off. The exercise and proper meals assisted with lowering anxiety levels and promoting tiredness which led to less dreaming, so hopefully those pesky nightmares will ease off too. I know it's hard to put anything to a set schedule when you feel fatigued all the time, but it will get easier. If you already have a pretty rigid schedule and the fatigue still isn't easing off, consider the substances you put in your body. I would sacrifice coffee, and see if that helps any. When I stopped drinking coffee, I no longer craved those afternoon naps before dinner. If there is still too much fatigue, your doctor needs to know in order to adjust the medication. This is just personal advise, and probably not what you were expecting, but I hope you consider it and that it ends up helping!
  12. Hello @Keir, First and foremost, you don't need be so hard on yourself when you've done something wrong. Just take a few deep breaths and tell yourself that it's a mistake you can learn from. That's what mistakes are, chances to get a little wiser, and be a little better. You mentioned an instance where something happened and your friend wasn't able to go on their trip. It wasn't your fault that they didn't go on the trip, they could have went with or without your reply, or if your answer was that important, they could have hunted you down and asked in person. You also mention being upset at how you handle other people's feelings. Let's use that same example again when you received the invitation. Usually, what I do in situations like that, is I ask two questions, "What do I want?" and, "What is fair to them?". Note how that second question doesn't ask what they want simply because that isn't our job to make everyone else happy. It's just usually we do because it can make us happy along the way. Anyhow, let's say what you wanted was to not go on the trip, but you didn't feel like talking with someone. Now think about what would be fair to them. This will vary a lot, but here, I would say it is fair to them to just let them know. They don't even need a reason unless you want to give on. A response like, "Thank you for the invitation but I'll pass." is just as fair as saying, "I'm sorry, I don't really feel like taking a trip right now." This is just my two cents, but I hope it helps in any way!
  13. regularpal

    Annoying significant other

    Sadly, having depression rarely translates to, "I know what you're going through." and more frequently translates to, "I can't even handle my own problems right now." I know that's not what anyone wants to hear, but that is how it seems at times. Yes, therapy is no quick answer, and yes, it costs quite a bit of money, BUT it isn't the only solution. It never hurts to search out any groups that happen in your area. Yes, AA and SA groups are mostly what you'll find, but if you are in a more populated area, there are usually more niche groups such as for co-dependency, bi-polar disorder, and many other types. All it takes is to just sit down in one of those and wait for the moment that you feel is right to just dump out whatever is eating up your thoughts at the time. You'd be surprised how supportive the people around you will be, and it will feel nice to have someone listening. Otherwise, there is always the forums. It won't be the same, but it is better than being on your own!
  14. regularpal

    Where is my resting place

    How unfortunate. In my hometown, a small area, there was this one place where all the retired guys would go every morning and order coffee, then sit at the community table and just chat away. Nevertheless, the internet is never far away. I'll be more than happy to chat with you throughout the day, and there are tons of other places on the internet too. What about neighbors? Do you get along well with them? Anything that you feel comfortable doing, and involving being around other people, is all it really takes to start lifting that feeling of sadness up and off of you. If you're weighed down by the idea of where your resting place will be, I personally have loose plans to be buried with my parents. Even though our last interactions together weren't that great, I know they sacrificed a lot to get me here, so I'll always appreciate that.
  15. regularpal

    Where is my resting place

    Hello @lostsoul65, If you're here to vent, I'm here to listen! I'm just a 22 year old guy, so I can't fathom what you're going through, but I know what it's like to be alone. I have no family, and I keep friends at a distance. That loneliness bites into your very being at times, and it's no way to be happy. If you don't mind me prying, can I ask where your family is? Did you not have any kids? Siblings? Nephews or Nieces? What about friends? If not, I know exactly how you feel, but I've learned ways to cope and they just might apply to you as well?
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