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regularpal

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  1. I'll be honest when I say I don't like hearing that. It's like when someone tells you the key to winning tug-o-war is to give in a moment so you can collect yourself and tug harder. I don't want to give in, and in fact I don't want to play tug-o-war at all anymore. But the world frowns on you if you just give up and lose, but I'm just not strong enough to win. I do appreciate hearing that though. I'll try to find other solutions, but worse come to shove, I'll just nap in my bed a whole weekend and see if that gives me a fresh wave of energy to keep the sadness at bay.
  2. I don't know for sure if others will know what I mean, but it's that time of year again. I was sad when the holidays were coming, I was sad during the holidays, but at least I knew why. Loneliness. Well, the holidays are over, and there are plenty of people around that I could interact with, and I even have a close friend for once, I still feel so down right now. I'm trying, I bought and/or made gifts for everybody I know. I work really hard not to push away my one friend, and I spend time with him frequently. I volunteered for several holiday events, and drove several co-workers to the airport and back so they could avoid parking/transportation fees, I relaxed and took a few vacation days from work (those were miserable, what with the extra time to be lost in thought), I made eggnog and cookies during Christmas, and watched the fireworks for New Year's. Not trying to push into taboo topics, but I even spent time with a lady I met at a bar. Yet here I am, crawling around in the dumps figuratively. I've tried writing down my frustrations and reading it aloud but it only helps me fixate on it, I've tried heading out into town and meeting new people but it only makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide from people, I've tried pumping steam at the gym but it only moves my sadness into frustration. All of these efforts only make it worse... Meditating doesn't really make progress for long, praying feels no different from writing my problems down. I've considered drinking by myself until I can't remember but I know all too well that won't help. I tell myself positive things, but it feels like muscle memory now. I've tried watching comedies, doing escape rooms, hugging the fire out of people, but none of it really works. Interacting with others seems to only make me cranky and trying to push past being cranky only makes rude comments slip out, which only makes it worse. I'm tired of making it worse. So what makes me feel so lonely? I feel under-appreciated, then I feel selfish, I feel needy, I feel not good enough, I feel different, I feel self-conscious, I feel wounded, and used, and tired, burned out, and abandoned. Why? It's not the holidays. It's not lack of social interaction. Am I upset that I didn't get a single birthday present? Am I upset because I only got a pair of socks for Christmas from my boss? Those are just moments that I'll soon forget about in a little while. It's leg day at the gym. I'll do that and maybe have an answer after I've had more self-reflection.
  3. Sometimes when I'm feeling really down and in desperate need for a hug, I ask the very first person (That I know) for a big hug. In the mornings, it is usually a co-worker or even my boss. If it's after work it will usually be my neighbor, who is always outside for some reasons or another. If it's later in the day, I'm usually out of luck, but I'll find a little consolation in just thinking of someone tomorrow that I can ask, or just knowing that I'll get one. Believe it or not, nobody ever says no, and if they notice that I'm a little down, they don't bring it up. It's just a free hug. Sometimes I'll give the hardest bear hug I can and pick them up off the ground, other times it's just a light pat on the back. If there is just no one around, or I can't bring myself to ask, I usually just push through it, entertaining my brain with what I will do at the gym today or some such. It doesn't help, but if anyone else has a better idea, I'm all ears! Hope that helps, otherwise I can only say I'd give you one in a heartbeat if I could. I love hugs.
  4. I guess my bad idea bears are the thoughts that constantly tell me to just call it a day, even when they day has just started. They tell me to stay in bed and not get up. Or to leave work early and just lay in my work clothes. When my only buddy comes knocking on my door, sometimes I don't answer because laying in bed is the better option according to the bad idea bears. I'm pretty good about ignoring them, minus a few mess ups. I can safely say, looking back, ignoring them has always worked out for the better, and the times I listened to them usually ended with me feeling worse. That observation works pretty well at keeping me on my toes.
  5. If I may ask, what steps do you have to try and enjoy the holidays this year? I'd recommend stringing some Christmas lights around the house or even outside. I had a cat who LOVED Christmas lights and trees. I'd wake up every morning to find them on the floor. Maybe find some off the wall Christmas cookies? A long time ago I had a buddy who was lactose intolerant as well as gluten sensitive, so I found a cookie recipe to cater to that. The cookies tasted like absolute garbage, so we ended up using them as ammo for a food fight, and he really appreciated the thought I attempted to put into it. Sadly, I am no chef or baker, and it shoes when I try to step into the role of one. This year, I don't have a cat to wreck my decorations, nor do I have a friend with some weird diet, but I'll still do it. The point I'm trying to get at, is that at least going through the motions will set you up to have a good experience potentially. The cookies I'm making will most likely go with me to the retirement home, and most of them aren't allowed / able to eat cookies, but some will anyways and I'll have a good time I'm sure. I dare say that feeling alone even with people around hurts in a whole new kind of way. It hurts when I see pictures on Facebook of my mother and sister putting up their Christmas tree, making eggnog, and sledding down a hill together. I wish I could be apart of that, but they'll have nothing to do with me. Meanwhile, my co-workers keep hassling me to do something with them for Christmas, and I just don't have the ability to take them up on those offers. Tonight they are doing a white elephant gifting, and my heart so badly wants to join in, but I know better than to try interacting with too many people at once. I don't know your story, but I can empathize with you. I hope that you can find a way to be happy with them around. Every effort counts!
  6. I lost my father just before Thanksgiving several years ago. That first Christmas without him was one of the worst holidays I have ever went through. It was apparent in everything we did from decorating the tree (Some of them were family pictures), cooking the Christmas meal (There were two dishes that we only made because he liked them but nobody else did), and down to selecting and opening gifts for everybody. Then a year went by, and the next Christmas felt almost even more daunting. Not only was he still gone, still not coming back, but we also had the mindset that this Christmas just HAD to be better than last year. Socially, we were suppose to look like we were moving on. Everyone else was. It was a rough time, but fast forward a few years, and it did get better. I know the situation I describe couldn't possibly be a comparison, but I do hope time will give you comfort sooner rather than later.
  7. Hello @Kogent5, I'm sorry I can't really relate to the issue at hand, but I wouldn't say it is a bad thing. Does it interfere with when you interact with other people? Have you considered writing? Maybe if you wrote/typed out these scenarios it would be more beneficial. Once you get it all fleshed out, you could post it on websites like writer's café or similar websites. I think that might help you channel it somewhere rather than stress that the habit is not being healthy. Otherwise, have you heard about practicing mindfulness? It might help keep those daydreams at bay if that is what you would prefer. Hope that helps.
  8. Thank you for shedding that light on the situation. I seems to me that people who lose a lot of people in their life try to work in overdrive to hold onto the people that they have left. Things like assuming what the other person thinks, needs, or wants. Things like giving, giving, and giving in the hopes that they will reward you with nothing but more of their time. The sad thing is that we get really good at it, which only serves to reinforce the behavior, and then start to blow it out of proportion. I didn't even think that all these things that make me feel bad are just my assumptions for him. I only saw them as qualities about myself that could negatively influence those around me, and drive them away in the long run. I'll keep reminding myself of that. I think that will help. If it was the wrong thing to do, I should trust him to handle it, and not try to decide for him. I struggle to see this perspective. It isn't usually him that gets in a bad mood, it's me. He's pretty insensitive to what he says (not intentionally, his goal isn't to upset people) and sometimes he'll say things that really hurt. He lives in his own little world most of the time, so he's oblivious to when my mood hits the floor, or maybe he is aware after all but chooses to maintain a normal day in an effort of fixing things. If I crawl into bed and refuse to get up, he simply brings a few things into my room and goes about his own business. Usually he'll play his xbox games that I have no idea what's going on in. Or he'll chatter away about how his day went, or discuss gym techniques and want to sync work-out schedules because for whatever reason he thinks I'm more fit than he is. Sometimes he'll crack a lot of jokes, and other times he'll yell at the TV because someone he was playing with did something he didn't like or something. What I'm getting at, is I believe this situation is a flip side to yours. Which I believe is also a considerably more unhealthy situation. I know, but it is very difficult to rationalize what IS the true version. Just yesterday he was venting about how his wife treats him horribly and he hasn't been able to see her for over 3 months now. He stated, "You have no idea how lonely that makes me feel.". I almost lost my mind from that statement, because I have told him before that I have lost 2 brothers, a younger sister, all my grandparents, and my father. My mother blames me for my fathers death, and my one remaining sibling sides with my mother not because she blames me, but because she's worried my mother has no one else. If there is a threshold you have to cross to understand loneliness, I think I passed it. My brain tells me 100 times that he doesn't listen when I open up about stuff like that, or that he has no empathy, or he's too into his own head. I immediately recognize those as irrational thoughts, and try to reason that he's just hurting and venting and his words are just coming as he feels them. Reasoning that does absolutely nothing in terms of making me feel better though.
  9. I wrote that list today. It was harder than I thought it would be. I wrote a LOT down on negatives, but couldn't bring myself to say most of them were negatives, and turned around and crossed off almost all of them. By the end of that list, I just felt bad, like I was some judgmental person. I made sure to cross off anything that I feel that I do myself, so as not to be hypocritical. Everything that was left is all basically issues that stem from the same problem, I just placed it in different scenarios, so I should probably cross off the repeats. All in all, I wrote down 10 problems, but only kept 2 of them. After I finally finished the negatives, I moved over to the positives. I wrote down 7 without skipping a beat, but crossed off the first one, putting me down to 6. I only put down the concrete things, like traits, quirks, etc. but didn't put down any of the "What ifs" that kept cropping up. For example, I'm convinced that as soon as he gets out of the rut he's in, he won't need me anymore and we'll fall out of contact. Or when I move away, we'll fall out of contact. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. The positives out weight the negatives, so I should keep him as a friend right? It's just my mental health struggles with the prospect of handling other people in my life. I cook him a meal just because I can, and then I immediately worry that I'm causing him to gain weight. I make him play some silly multiplayer game with me and convince myself that I wasted his afternoon. I tell him when I think he has a bad idea, but I feel like I'm suppressing him. I take him out drinking and I'm worried I give him bad habits. I give him rides to places and I think I'm manipulating him to be more dependent on me. I know these are all incorrect thoughts, but they are the only thoughts I have, and they hit my emotions really hard despite the fact that I chant in my head that they're false.
  10. Forgive me if I confuse the many different titles. A Psychiatrist is someone who is basically a therapist, but capable of prescribing medication as well? I had one of those for about 3 months, but after a constant tug of war her telling me I need medication and me refusing medication. I got frustrated to the point that I stopped seeing her. I have zero interest in medication. I function well enough. I have my house, I have my job, I have plenty of savings, no impulses to do something illegal. The only thing wrong with me is my personality, and if I am trying to fix it and be, well, me, then I'd like to face people as I am, and not as I could be if I'm not there yet. I'm not putting down medicine, it's just a personal preference that I have no interest in changing.
  11. I'll do that. Writing stuff on paper is something I should have thought of but didn't. I guess it was because I consider things more "my problem" and not "a problem involving someone" if that makes sense. Hopefully writing it down will convince my poor brain that things are out of proportion. In terms of treatment, I am not currently seeing a therapist. I put too much time and money into that over the last year and the only difference it made was instead of trying to befriend everybody, I chose to avoid everybody in order for "me time". If push comes to shove, I'll go back to therapy, but if my life from here on out revolves around therapy forever, that's a different can of worms.
  12. Sometimes I feel the need to make concrete decisions out of no where. Yesterday, I was stuck on what to do with a friend. I have no family, I live with no one, and most people I only keep polite conversation with. It wasn't a bad way to live, but it wasn't a permanent way to live either. Now, I get stressed when my one friend is around, and even more stressed when he's not. It's eating me up and I can't take much more of it. I want to tell him to hit the road, that he's making my life worse than it already was. I want to tell him I forgive him, and he needs to stay because I've got no one else. I want to crawl in bed and just not get out of bed until the decision resolves itself. It's not like what I want to do keeps changing, I have all of these thoughts at the same time, just rotating around and around. Usually, because I can't figure out which one to do, I end up just lying in bed. I almost spent the entire day yesterday in bed, until I finally psyched myself up into anger and frustration enough to go to the gym and blow off steam for 2 hours. I stayed there until I was almost too weak to lift my arms, and I still haven't reached a decision. Now, that fire has burned out and I almost didn't go to work today, the one place where I used to be passionate and enjoyed being at. That's how I know things are getting worse. As soon as work is over, I'm probably gonna crawl into bed again, and not move. My friend will probably bring me dinner, and make me even more sad without even knowing that's what he's doing. I don't want to be alone again, but I can't handle people.
  13. Hey there, I know the pain your going through. The one person in your life that always takes away the daily stress. The one person that puts a smile on your face and for whatever reason, you find it impossible to get mad at them. Even if your cat was knocking over furniture, or being to hyper in the middle of the night. Then, suddenly that person isn't there anymore. No matter what you say or do, you have to grieve this loss. There's no answer to, "How do I get over this?" except to just go through the process of grieving. It hurts, I know it does. It's not fair, I know it isn't. Sadly, the only fair in life comes around about once a year. This grieving process won't go away in a hurry, but over time and with different emotions layering over it, you'll find peace eventually. It may come when an old friend decides to pop in for a visit, or it may come when the new cat cuddles up on your lap and purrs really loud. Who knows, but what I do know is that it's a process that you can't rush. Hang in there, it'll be all right.
  14. Well, a little update. I stated that I was trying to distance myself a bit, but I failed to do that completely. I spent about 2 days without having contacted him, and on the 2nd day he asked what I was up to and I said I was busy with some stuff. Apparently, that day he called his wife and tried to talk to her. Due to his mishap on Thanksgiving, there was a restraining order put in place that included no contact. They ended up on the phone for quite some time, until the police showed up at his residence and alerted him that he violated the order. His problems are his problems, I get that. But my problems are at play here too. It has gotten to the point where I literally crave his company, and forcing myself to not spend time so frequently with him puts my in a fragile state of mind. Then, hearing that I was pretty much a line of defense against him doing something stupid, and falling through, makes me feel like absolute crap. So now I have reverted to spending all day every day with him again, because I know when I'm around he doesn't do anything stupid. I'm happy again, and he's not getting into additional trouble. However, here recently, he is spending an excessive amount of time on his phone now. He is constantly switching between types of social media, checking to see if his wife is online, and if she has changed anything such as her profile pictures which include him in the picture as well. He checks to see if she still wears his ring on her hand when she posts new pictures. He spends a lot of time texting people, such as her family, asking to know how she is doing and what they know about the situation. He texts their mutual friends, trying to get them to ask her to remove the restraining order. I tell him he's being stupid, but he keeps doing it, and I can tell it irritates him when I try to tell him to stop doing that stuff. I don't press the issue anymore, but it's tearing me up inside when I'm trying to have a conversation with him and he's spending excessive amounts of time on his phone. I could care less that he's probably making his situation worse, but it makes me feel way less important when I am physically there for him, and he is more concerned about trying to contact people that live far away.
  15. Hello @Purpleplum, Christmas is a one of the largest holidays, and every holiday sucks for people like us. By people like us, I mean people who don't have anyone to give or get gifts from. People who are told to treat themselves during the holiday even thought that honestly doesn't work. I've learned from last Christmas that just sitting around thinking about it won't make the situation any better. Doing something by yourself doesn't make the situation much better, but in retrospect, I can safely say I hate the fact that I didn't do anything last year. This year, I put up my Christmas tree all by myself. I strung the lights on it by myself. I put the ornaments and candy canes on by myself. I wrap random things around the house to put under the tree so it looks nice. I started crying when I was assembling the tree, I mean the kind of crying when you start moaning really loud because why not? No one is there to hear you. What I did in that situation was I just turned on my playlist for moments like this, and I just started dancing around the house. I ended up tossing the Christmas tree around for a bit too. By the end of that, I was actually happy again. I may be alone, but I have my tree up and it looks just dandy. I don't need anybody else to enjoy my Christmas. This is MY holiday just as much as anyone else's. If it's gonna suck, I'm gonna be able to say I at least tried. Now, I wrap things when I start feeling sad, or, I just tear into a random present that I wrapped. This way, it gives me something to do, and I don't go out on a spending spree to get presents for myself that I already know what they are. In fact, I dunno the exact rules for this forum, but I'm gonna post a picture of my tree, because I'm pretty proud of it, and nobody else is gonna see it anyways.
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