Thanks to all.
I've had this bad anxiety building for some weeks and getting worse in recent days.
I have been sleeping a lot, and took a sick day from work yesterday. I reached out to some people today, and just now wrote out about 2 pages of CBT negative thoughts, errors and corrections.
I'm just having trouble pushing through the fear. I keep thinking, sui * ide is better than fighting through this again. It's very hard for me to spot the fallacy here, or to fully believe there is one. 'This too will pass' just doesn't seem to cut it, because 'this too will also come back,' as it has now with vengeance.
To be clear: I am not at immediate risk, lacking access to means as I do presently. I'm just feeling increasingly desperate, hopeless and unable to cope. this has always been what this forum is here to share.
I suppose if I could waive a wand and have one thing, it would be a break, but there is not one to be had. There must be a better way to handle this than I did last time in 2008. I guess it would entail going to my boss, and ... ?saying/asking for a break? how does that go? That's the one thing I have to bargain with - I can do this work, d*mn it!