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ChrissyNoelle

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About ChrissyNoelle

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 05/29/2001

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA, AR
  • Interests
    Digital art, gaming, creative expression, and that's about it.

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  1. My parents are not really distant persay, I'm just very afraid of trying to connect with them, due to childhood problems like over-sheltering/protectiveness and such, getting angry at the wrong time, leaving bad taboos and a bad taste in my mouth. I have never tried to rely on them like I do with my online friends because I keep getting scared they will judge me, or claim that I'm doing something wrong and punish me (despite the fact they have not punished me in years and I'm a legal adult now.). I have siblings but my brothers are mean, and my sister becomes dismissive. Not of my problems, she gives good advice sometimes, but there's been times where it happens while hanging out. Point being, most of my family has tried to show concern or to listen but I always draw back due to how they've treated me in the past, like it's deep rooted in trauma and anxiety. And forget friends, I've never had a friend offline that would listen to my problems. It was always either playmates as a kid or classmates as a teen. No one's ever showed interest in talking to me deeply. So yea, i guess i have no safe space besides with my boyfriend, and something of one with my two online best friends. Anyway. He said he was happy to have me call him randomly as long as it wasn't late at night (since his sister would be asleep in his room then). He answered me awhile after I called and kept me company. It stabilized me a lot and I'm pretty much okay now. Honestly my worst fear is that I depend on him so much that he decides I'm not worth his energy anymore and leaves me. Or even worse, he keeps trying to stay and help for me but he's just miserable. He has told me that he is very, very patient, and he wants to keep helping me because I helped him. But I don't want to throw my whole entire sadness onto him and make him drown. I don't want to lose him just because I'm a mess. I keep hearing that successful relationships happen when both people are mostly content with themselves and have any large self-baggage resolved. I want to get to that but I feel like I keep getting dragged back to square one, like I'm not doing enough, and the longer I stay like this the more of a burden I become. He said it's okay that I'm dependent. I honestly want to believe that and that he really is willing to keep catching me over and over and over, no matter how dark my mind gets or how many times I get depressed. I don't know. I don't have anyone else that I'm so open and comforted around. I don't have anyone else that I believe has no judgement towards me, and just has the intent to help me. It feels wrong but right at the same time to go to him when I'm having a breakdown. He always makes me feel better and helps me feel resolved. He has told me that he will be my brain when my own gets muddled with anxiety. All I can go by is what my therapist has told me, which is not to lose my voice with him. If I stop telling him when I'm sad and destroyed inside I let both of us down, and I just feel worse and worse and the relationship will self destruct. But how much is too much?
  2. Hi it's me again. It's funny, a couple days after I posted that update everything went downhill. At time my animation group was going through some drama so I was trying to distance myself from that. It's fine now. On top of that my parents told me they were going to make me start paying rent next year, so I could get a job. I'm trying to scramble to get some kind of non-anxiety job (probably going to do freelance work/commissions). But it just made the upcoming disaster even worse. Then my boyfriend's grandparents moved back into his family's house, which already had the capacity limit for people. So now he had to share a room with his sister, which meant I had absolutely no intimate time with him, at all. He said they would move back out after the pandemic lifted enough, but god knows when that will happen. That absolutely broke me. I took it as I couldn't call him at all and we only texted each other. And that's what we've been doing for months. Calling him was the only thing giving my day a good ending. It was the only thing that kept me as happy as I was. It was the only thing that gave me the desire to move forward, hell even the drive to create things. And now it's gone for who knows how long. We went from calling every night to calling a couple times a month. It was crushing me so hard. I've have many breakdowns over the last two months, I don't think I've had a day of contentedness ever since. The only thing keeping me sane was fantasizing about romantic situations with him and being intimate. But that was more equivalent to getting drunk than actually being happy, cause whenever I wasn't doing that I would be so depressed. The only good news is that now he's offered to call during the day instead of at night. Which is nice, but part of me really wants to go back to calling everyday, in hopes I can get even a semblance of how it was before. But i'm scared he won't want to. He seemed perfectly fine with this development, at least for himself. He said that he was sad that I was sad, and wanted me to be happy, but overall I don't think it's affected him how it has me. I know he misses me but he doesn't seem distraught. I mean, good for him...but what if that means he doesn't want to call everyday anymore? I'm so f*cking co-dependent, I hate it, he says it's okay that I am, and he wants to help, but it's not okay. I'm being a little sh*t of a burden and I can't stop, I don't know how to stop. Why can't I be okay with this like he is? He's not losing sleep and getting depressed and crying everyday, he has his sh*t together. Meanwhile I'm constantly falling apart. I'm trying to be okay on my own but I just can't be. I am still gonna ask him about calling everyday again, but I don't have very high hopes about it. This morning I woke up feeling the most numb I'd felt in years. I couldn't get out of bed except to find food. Honestly I don't even know how I got out of bed to get on my PC and type this. I called him on Discord out of desperation but he hasn't answered. I'm just waiting and feeling so alone and depressed.
  3. Update, really big update actually. Couple hours after I posted the last update I almost committed suicide. I didn't do it or take any action really, I just had the strongest urges I'd ever felt to do so. I'd called my boyfriend beforehand and everything was fine. Until I noticed myself starting to panic for no reason. I asked my boyfriend if he could keep a conversation going so I could be distracted. He replied with "You know I can't hold a conversation all on my own." To his credit, he is right, he doesn't often start conversations unless he has something to share. It wasn't him being petty or rude, it was just how he is. But I broke down. Hard. The thoughts were enveloping me, especially because in that moment, it felt like he wasn't doing anything to stop it. Which essentially equaled that no one was left to help me. I know he didn't have bad intentions saying that in hindsight. But at the time it felt like he just didn't care. So I broke down and I'd never felt suicidal urges that strong before. I started crying and he heard it. He was able to comfort me and keep me from hurting myself, though it was hard and we both cried a lot. I made it out alive though. Looking back it was the loneliness that got me. I'm sure of it, as i'll elaborate in a moment. Probably a couple weeks passed, and things mostly stayed the same except for one thing. I got to a know a kid I met through my channel gradually (I'm going to call him A), I'd known him while the previous debacle was happening but we didn't speak very often. Let me just say. The more I talked to A the more I thought, "This kid is almost exactly like how I was when I was his age." We understood each other because we'd been through a lot of the same s***. So gradually I started to like him a lot as a good friend, we connected a lot. This was my first connection with someone truly like me, and once I realized it and started to communicate that, a lot of my loneliness went away. A and R (I will call the friend I mentioned in the last update R) ended up being good friends too so now we're a trio. Technically a quartet because I introduced them both to my boyfriend as well, and they mess around a lot when they're together 😄 Talking to A and R has done wonders for me. I still get lonely sometimes, and I still feel socially anxious sometimes. And I'll feel I've let them down for minuscule reasons. But I have not had any lingering suicidal thoughts since we've become a group, and I'm so glad. I know it's because of them. Maybe when we've been friends for longer I'll let them know the details of how they've essentially saved my life. That loneliness I felt in April was because I felt I had no one. Now I have two amazing friends. It's a great start. So I have some hope again.
  4. Thank you for the reply @womanofthelight. And nice to meet you too. Apologies for disappearing suddenly. I'm not very good at timely replying to posts I make, heh. ~~~ I have a strange development now, I don't want to make a whole new topic on it so I'll just say it here. Right now, I'm alone. I spent the last week having a blast with one of my closest internet friends. Making stuff and just being generally stupid, in a funny way. But since I have the big introvert, I told her I need today and maybe tomorrow to be mostly alone or I would get really drained. Which is fine, she was cool with it. And it's just what I have to do to keep myself from being dead inside. Though it loops back around to being scared of being alone, because that usually brings the loneliness, which at this time brings me depression too. But I don't...feel sad. I don't think I feel numb? I don't feel bad, but I don't feel emotionless. But I don't really feel happy either? It's a little scary. I'm scared at any moment I'm going to have the awful urges from numbness and sadness again. I have a few hours before I go to bed with my boyfriend so until then I'm just alone. Is this just a calm moment that I'm having trouble embracing? Maybe the new twenty one pilots song, which I have on repeat, is helping. Heh. I don't really know what's going on. I keep bracing myself. I feel urges to call for help, just to ensure the loneliness doesn't come for me. But I need to recharge...ugh im so bad at this.
  5. Hey again. It seems I may just drop around here every now and then to vent a bit. Update from my last post... yea, still have mostly the same problems. Coronavirus may even make it so there's no chance of my bf visiting this year, especially since he lives in a huge city, so that's...really hard to possibly have to accept. As for animation friends. About the same. I did start a Multi Animator Project and a bunch of animators who didn't know each other got together, and a small bit of us went off to group PM random stuff to each other sometimes. So that's nice... I somehow neglected to mention a really sweet fan of mine became a good friend over the past couple of months. So that's nice too.. My YT is going well, been getting lots of positive feedback and support. I've had a few of my inspirations notice me and/or compliment lately and that did leave me beaming for a bit. But being alone is getting worse and worse. Whenever I'm alone for a couple hours I start to panic and have thoughts of wanting to just, die. I start to question why I'm still alive when in that moment, I feel that no one wants to be close to me. It's hurting more and more to see my animation friends be publicly more close to each other. I think to them I'm just "oh yeah, that one nice animator that does her work well, she's nice". Not really even close to a friend. It hurts. Doesn't help that my boyfriend was getting more and more distant over the past few months. He seemed to want to just keep playing games with his friends, since most of them didn't have work thanks to the pandemic. Or he'd want to work on a personal project. Sometimes I wouldn't get to hear his voice for longer than a couple minutes, a few days at a time. And whenever I did get to hear him he would be silent, because he'd still be working or playing. That hurt a lot... Numerous times I told him I didn't like that at all. I did write a little notepad file of my feelings, of how much that was hurting me. I did send it to him. He has been trying hard since then to keep up with me a bit more, so hopefully things are looking up again? I'm scared I'm going to self destruct. From being alone for too long. I love not feeling obligated to go outside atm, but when it's over I don't think I'll have the strength to go out and find someone to be my friend. I just keep feeling a weird tug to just stay inside, and talk to no one. I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to save myself anymore. I want someone to hold my hand out of this god awful place I've cornered myself into. I know people say that's stupid and selfish and everyone should be able to help themselves, but...i'm just so. ****king. tired. Sometimes I start to convince myself that leaving this world is more logical than staying alive. ...My favorite band's motto is "Stay alive for me." "Stay alive, it's worth it, I promise.". But here I am, questioning that because I just hurt too much to want to be around anymore. I know last time I posted, I received some advice. I'm sorry I didn't follow it. I don't know why I found it so hard to try to follow. Maybe I'll try to soon...i don't know. I just want to rest. The kind of rest that would rejuvenate me enough to keep going.
  6. Thanks to everyone for replying with advice and story tidbits. Also sorry for taking so long to reply to everyone. I just didn't really feel like saying anything for whatever reason. Using internet anonymity is actually a really good idea I wish I thought of myself. I'll see if there's any local artistic groups that have a place online too. I am, have been for about a year, supposed to lower both anxiety and depression. Depression has been far less of a problem this year than anxiety. A group of friends that I felt comfortable around would be a blessing honestly. But the real deal for me is someone who just mixes with me well and tries to understand my mind, so yea a best friend. One of those friends where you can just appear at their house sometimes and hang out. And that you can be vulnerable with them, you don't have to hide things from them. If I only had one best friend (and maybe a few good friends) and no group, I would probably still be alright. ...You're right. There is a voice in the back of my head saying that this all is just a defense mechanism, my anxiety is going off the rails into freakin' purgatory. I've acknowledged it a few times I think. I made a full artistic creation venting about it. But being anxious, heck, being paranoid, has made me hold back and ignore that thought. Just self awareness isn't enough when you try really hard to brush it off, I guess. "Better safe than sorry" seems to be what I keep saying to myself. I feel like I'm cheating myself by admitting it, but I'm probably actually cheating myself if I DON'T. Heh, this reminds me of before I got with my partner. I kept lying to myself about romantic feelings so much that I fully convinced myself I wasn't feeling anything. That's a pretty dangerous thing. I could go on and on about that thought process, but that'd take too much time. Thank you very much for bluntly saying that. Guess it's up to me to decide if I'm going to push forward with that truth. Again thank you to everyone who offered any supporting words to me.
  7. Hello, it's been awhile everyone. A lot has changed over the past year, still with my boyfriend who's been wonderful! I'm currently working to open my own animation commission stand, so I can substitute for a job. But um, that's not why I'm here. I'm really lonely. Overwhelmingly lonely. Yes, my boyfriend is here and I have made friends in an animation community, but..it's all online. I don't have anyone to confide in to the fullest outside of a screen. It's really hard to be crying in my room, and not be able to hug anyone who makes me feel safe. I've briefly mentioned it before, but I guess now it's becoming a enough large problem for me to start feeling hurt by it. I've never had anyone to rely on in the last 18 years of my life, in person. I've isolated myself for probably about 4 or 5 years now. The reason is because I believe no one in my vicinity would ever want to be my friend. To give more background; I live in the Midwest USA. The area is known for having a lot of Christians of all kinds (Disclaimer that I'm not bashing any Christians here, I'm sorry if I come across that way). I am not Christian, at least I haven't been for about 5 years or so. I feel like I don't belong here. Yes, it's not fair to think that I can't be friends with people of other religions, in fact I couldn't care less what religion you're affiliated with. What I DO care about is if you will still be accepting of others who aren't of your religion. And a lot, if not most, of people around here are very close minded. And that's what has scared me away from thinking anyone would want to befriend me. My family has been bullied and ridiculed for leaving the Christian faith and thinking differently on biblical topics. Not to the point of a witch hunt or anything, but it was still scarring for them. I'm afraid the same will happen to me if I get close to someone. That I can't be the me that's comfortable being agnostic/atheist, making dirty jokes, talking about controversial topics from an opposing side, the whole shebang. I know that's not for everyone but the entire point of this is that I want to find friends who are okay with it and are okay with my true self. But I don't know if that's possible enough here. I'm tired of being alone, it's been that way so long that I'm probably messed up from it somehow. It sure doesn't help that there's very little to do here compared to larger cities. I talked to my therapist about it and she told me she was sorry I'd been alone my whole life, and not much else. My boyfriend told me he didn't know how to help me. Neither of these were said in a bad way, though those words shattered something inside me. I just want to hug someone and feel like it was a hug I'd want to stay in for ages. I'm tired and sick of it and I feel like a ticking time bomb at this point. A few more years of this and I might go back to last year's mental state. I've been trying to distract myself by hanging with my boyfriend, playing games, making creations, but I know it's not gonna fix anything. Why do I have to be this way and why do I not know how to fix it. I've thought of several ideas, moving away, having my boyfriend visit me ASAP, etc. But those all seem to not be plausible at the moment. I just really wish someone in walking distance of me would just freaking care about me.
  8. Had a better resolution today. I nervously texted my boyfriend to check on him and it snowballed into a more emotional discussion of what happened. Sadly the solution he came up with was a long term thing I didn't agree with, and I was too tired to make a decision on it, so we agreed to ask my therapist for help tomorrow. We're going to try to sleep together tonight. I'm sure it'll be a bit awkward but we both really missed each other. I hope we'll be back to a more normal stage soon.
  9. Today was awful. I mean, it started out great. Hanging out with my boyfriend who lives far away. But we had our first big issue, he overstepped some boundaries, breaking trust. It resulted in me almost having a panic attack. We just finished talking about it, and we didn't break up or anything, but the resolution is kinda grim. At least we handled it maturely. I'm sleeping without him on call tonight, which is justified and for the best, but I still feel lonely. 😕 Well, goodnight I guess. Hope we can start getting back to normal soon.
  10. I'm not really sure what forum category this falls under, so I'm just gonna put it in here. I have a big problem with making mistakes. It applies to almost anything, but the most obvious one to me is when I play video games. Not by myself, I find solo play to be relaxing and fun. But I have a really bad reaction to when I mess up in cooperative or multiplayer games. The other day I was playing a co-op game with my boyfriend, and because it was long distance and all this complicated stuff had to be done to make it work, my controls were messed up. So I wasn't playing very well, I kept dying and he had to revive my character a lot. When it starts, I get mildly irritated, but I can brush it off. Since it didn't stop messing up I got incredibly disappointed. I started getting loud, sighing, at one point I just slid down to the floor covering my face, wanting to cry even. I kept apologizing for playing like trash. He was understanding though and always said "No it's okay! I can just revive you." and "It's alright Chrissy, you don't have to apologize." I appreciated it, but I still felt I had to keep apologizing for compensation. I feel like I made everything less fun by making a big deal out of nothing. Rationally, I'm sure he enjoyed it very much. I know what the problem is, and why I have it. I'm afraid of getting scorned for performing badly by a second party (family member, friend, partner, classmate, etc.). Even if it's because the odds are against me and I have no control over it. Or if it's because I'm just a naive idiot. It comes from a lot of things. From my father yelling at me for messing things up when I was little, to playing games like Overwatch and getting pointed at by toxic people. Sometimes I messed up because I wasn't looking before leaping, or sometimes I just didn't know. None of those times were ever on purpose, and I still get the brunt of it. Now, my dad doesn't yell at me anymore, and I've been limiting multiplayer games with strangers. I try to be mindful too. But because of all of this, I expect to always get punished for making mistakes, without fail. So when I make an obvious mistake, and I don't receive negative feedback for it, I get confused. And then I feel the need to beat myself up because if I don't, I might let my guard down and be shot down in the next minute. I can't believe that it's really okay when I set people back, or even just myself. It's to the point I can't bear to even let people watch me do things. I don't want to perform and then mess up, only to get laughed or yelled at. I can be forgiving of myself when I'm alone, but under someone else's eye I have to be to myself what I expect them to be to me. It's like I always think everyone just waits for me to trip up, and then they get me at my most vulnerable. Logically, at least I know with my family and friends, that's not true, but I seem to be ruled by gut feeling. It's not healthy, it makes me sad, and I don't know how to fix it. I've been told to use positive self talk but the negativity always overcomes it. I don't want to have my time with my boyfriend to be like that, just because I don't know how to handle mistakes.
  11. So a lot has happened over the past half year. I had my lows, an absolute nightmare with medication, bonding that lead to a relationship, changes in my body and mind, etc. I'm currently glad to be learning new things about myself. I'm happy that I'm in a romantic relationship now. I'm exploring new things, from video games to learning how to let go. I still have no social life outside of my house, but meh. One step at a time. But there is one thing that's been wrecking havoc on me since December. I feel like too much is changing all at once, both my surroundings, interactions, and my own identity. And my brain is having a terribly homesick reaction to all of it. I'll set an example. One is around my boyfriend. Before he was my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I even considered him to be my older brother. He was so kind, sweet, and he teased me how a lot of brothers do to their sisters. Now, he didn't change in that sense at all after the status changed, at least in personality. But I couldn't call him my "big brother" anymore. I really did fall for him, I'm not with him just because he fell head over heels for me. But my mind has separated "my boyfriend" from "my honorary brother". They're two different people now. It's how I cope. And I miss that brother so freaking much. He was the one that talked me out of suicide. He was there with me since 2017. It hurts really badly to know that I can't reach him anymore, because now he's someone else. He's part of my boyfriend, but I can't see him anymore because I can't have a brother AND a boyfriend as the same person. I don't want them both as the same person, for obvious reasons. But I miss him so much that I start to cry whenever I think about him. I feel so homesick knowing he's gone, and if me and my boyfriend ever broke up I don't think we'd be able to go back to this sibling type of love. I always wanted a big brother in my life. And now he's gone, I can't replace him, and it devastates me. This is my problem. I miss the old days, because they were so familiar. They always gave me feelings I hold dear. But now that things are changing, my mind doesn't like it. Things like growing up, starting to have more bodily functions activated, gaining more responsibility, hitting my 20s, on and on. I want to go forward, I really do, but I'm so far outside of my comfort zone that I can't even see it anymore. I know now I react badly to big changes, and adapt poorly. Even things like not being depressed are making me want to go back to the dark days. It was like a blanket of security in a twisted way. But I know I can't, and moving forward is what's best. But I feel so homesick. Just like when I had sleepovers as a kid...I wanna go home. I wanna go home so badly. TL;DR - Many things are changing in my life. Most are good, beneficial or necessary changes. I know that they all need to happen, and some I do want to go along with. But I don't react well to change because I'm happiest in the familiar. It's making me feel homesickness and heartache. Do I just need to get over it? I thought a way to cope is to adapt to the biggest changes right now, and put all others on hold until I feel comfortable again. Things like school, my body, and my new romantic relationship would be top priority. Everything else I ignore until I'm ready to move forward. I would really like some advice. And on another note. I've already talked to my boyfriend about the example I put up. He did say that if it hurt too much to keep going, we could go back to how we were before. I told him no because I liked where we were...I just really miss the old days. Please help. In any way possible. Thanks. ~Chrissy
  12. Alright. So big things happened today. Let's get into it. So last year in late summer, I was diagnosed with depression and I was considering suicide for a couple days in August. I reached out for help because I rationally knew that to hide would just make me self destruct. I received massive support from my online friends, (one of which became my boyfriend this month, heheh.) my parents, sister, and therapist. I slowly started to stop believing that no one cared about me, and at the worst I still have a handful of people who are there for me. I got on mirtazipine and slowly started to stabilize, until shortly before Christmas when I was no longer in destructive mental health. I hardly get suicidal thoughts anymore, and now self loathing seems to only come when I make mistakes. A good thing I think I will note is the major causes to my depression and suicidal behavior. It's hard for me to keep track of and will make explaining a WHOLE lot easier. The causes are as followed: Being pressured to take on adult responsibilities, and feeling completely unprepared for them, shut down my emotional state and made me have an unbearable amount of anxiety. E.g. Get a driver's license, apply for a job, expand my social activities, etc. Religion in the family. I've evolved into an agnostic, whereas my extended family, and the entire state area, are solid Christians. I began to believe that this meant no one would ever connect with me, much less want to. I would never find friends or loved ones. I did not belong ANYWHERE. Thus I isolated myself further than I already did. Lack of connections. As said above religion was a big block in this subject. I believed that absolutely no one out there wanted to try to understand the me that lives inside my head. I wanted someone so badly to try to see how I see the world and appreciate it. But no one ever tried, and I took it as "No one loves me, those who say they do are just aesthetic. Because if they really loved me they'd try harder to get in my head and see what I think, desire, and feel." So I didn't try to expand my connections with effort, because why try if no one is going to care? The rest is just the results of the causes; isolation, self loathing, depression, lost sense of self, agonizing loneliness, numbness, and so on. So, I'm improved. Yay. But since I'm no longer "severely depressed", and can do things again, I realized I'd have to go back to responsibilities again and, eventually, take on adult ones. I turn 18 in May. While the whole "get a job, drive a car, etc." was one of the things that drove me to depression in the first place, I know I can't just run away from them forever. But the problem is, I'm stuck in the rubble and I have to build up all the blocks again like how it is in the blueprint. But I don't have the instructions to fill in the middle- so how do I get from a destruction aftermath, to stable buildings? And now this is where it gets good. So yesterday, I had a session with my therapist. We were talking about how me and my boyfriend have a weird problem with always insisting the other person gets what they want. She brought up the enneagram test and how maybe that was an attribute of a 3 or a 9, and that I should take the test to see. So the next day I went and found a big old enneagram book stashed in a bookshelf somewhere. For those who don't know, the enneagram test is just a personality test. Took the test and, woah, I'm not a 3 or a 9, I'm a 4? Guess I'll read up on it. This test gave me an INSANE epiphany. This test explained every single thing I do that I didn't understand about myself. From how I got depressed to why I only eat bread and veggie sticks for lunch. This Type 4 "Individualist" made me see EXACTLY what my problems are, how they triggered my depression, where it rooted from, and in knowing this, realize where the problem lies. And because of this, I can start getting better. In the short sense, my depression came about because I backed myself into a dead end and refused to go back the other way. I'm too indirect and yet still expect people to know what I want. I'm even narcissistic, a quality I thought I would never have. I refuse to see the good in myself, and if I do it's VERY rarely. I've forced myself to believe I'm different from everyone, an outcast. I've even come up with a self image in my head of what I want to be. AKA the Fantasy Self, according to the test. I want someone to sweep me away and save me from all this turmoil I brought on myself, I want a savior. Hell I've already pushed that onto my boyfriend. I'm really happy to have found all of this out so I can start correcting my behavior. Because, well, it's destructive. About that savior thing. I say this to my boyfriend, who wept for me the night I told him I wanted to die. I tell him he's my savior, but at the same time I remember, did he come for me while I was just sobbing in the rain, like in all those films with the scene in the rain? No. I walked up to his doorstep in the pouring rain (please remember this is a metaphor, heheh), knocked on the door, and said "Hey. Please save me. I want to end myself because I don't have anyone else to love me intimately (platonic or romantic), and I believe no one ever will. If you want to help, thanks, I guess. If not, I understand. Sorry." And THEN he cried for me. In this scenario, who did the saving? Both of us. Not only him or only me, both of us. Because I broke out of the isolation cycle and allowed myself to find help, and to be helped. I did the EXACT opposite of what I've been doing all my life. And though I do enjoy saying that my "friend" saved me, I know that it took my effort to start, and his to keep it going. If I tried waiting I'd probably be long dead now. I know that because I, without knowing the root problem or this enneagram test result or anything, did the thing that saved my life. Because of that, I can do it again, and I can get myself out of this aftermath. I can figure out how to get to a healthy life again. With all these problems and weaknesses, a strength of a Type 4 is their insane self-awareness. I didn't even need a test to know that. That quality is what I'm gonna use to get out of this rut. Knowing the problem can get you started on fixing it. Now that I know it, I finally have clarity and I know I can fix myself. I can do it. I'm not even out yet and I already feel liberated. But I can't stop there. Wish me luck. ~Chrissy P.S. If you'd like to try this enneagram test, you can search for one online. For some reason there aren't many free ones, but you can still look if you're interested. A paid one only costs like...10 dollars? Up to you if you want to take one. And no I'm not sponsored, lol. Just friendly information. You could always just read the types and see which one fits you best, if you don't want to pay for a copy of the test. I highly suggest using the enneagram though, you may figure out why you do the things you do. Maybe it will help you like it helped me. I hope so. Anyway, here's the link to the site I've been using. [link removed; enneagram institute dot com] And apologies if this post seems scattered. I'm exhilarated but also very exhausted at the moment. And it's 12 am here, sorry if things don't make as much sense as they should!
  13. Hey guys, been gone since Christmas got hella busy for me, and after that was a HUGE emotional rollercoaster. But for once it was a good one. However Christmas was a bit melancholy this year, with depression and "growing up" making it a bit duller. Still taking antidepressants, upped my dose a bit ago and it made an impact. I was pretty much out of commission for days but it may have given me a boost. I think I've got the direct aftermath point of depression. I'm surrounded by rubble in my mind and I'm trying to build a couple bricks back up. The bloody battle is pretty much over but I'm very hesitant to try to go back to a vibrant life. I kind of just want to lay low for a long time. I wasn't one for an energetic lifestyle in the first place anyway. My psychiatrist keeps pushing me to find a group in town to hang with, but honestly I think it would just exhaust me. I'm trying to get back to more schoolwork but I keep getting sick and it just gets too hard. Even though I feel I don't have the energy to go out and do recreational stuff, I've actually improved relations a bit. My best friend asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after New Year's, so I'm in my first relationship. My brothers are being slightly less little pricks. And my parents are showing to be less paranoid than I thought. Speaking of which they're gonna let my boyfriend visit in summer. So I'm very excited. Stopped feeling like I don't want to do anything, and suicidal thoughts are almost nonexistent now. I'm working back into a routine and things feel like they're going to a normal pace. So yeah. I'm doing a lot better than I was.
  14. Helped my grandma decorate for Christmas. My dad took me to an anime shop in downtown and to a Mediterranean style restaurant. I was out for 8 hours, very tiring but it was still pretty fun. Part of me wanted to scream because I was out for so long though. Started a big animation project as a gift to my family. Gonna take all month, I hope I'm up for the challenge.
  15. I have never had a best friend in my life until very recently. In fact, I've never had friends that were even minorly close beyond good words. And this is just online; I've never had a friend in the real world that was more than a playmate or a classmate. The reasons for that aren't very necessary to get into at the moment. So, my best friend. He's a guy I met through a game 2 and a half years ago. He had a YouTube channel I admired, so I actually met him first as a fan. He is fairly older than me, but our relationship consists of calling each other "little sister" and "big brother" in case you get worried. Knowing him for a few years now, I can say he's not a predator or anything. We were fairly close after an encounter in early 2017 forcing him to open up. But in one night in August he talked me out of suicide; and thus we became inseparable. We've called each other on Discord nearly every evening since then and often times we fall asleep in the middle of it. Though I've noticed that if he goes off to do something else, or hang out with other people which ends up in us not calling, I get incredibly lonely and sad. Maybe a bit too lonely and sad for my own good. I'm not really sure what to do about this. Am I getting clingy to our friendship because I've never had one as close as ours? Or one that could leak into real life? I've talked to him about this and he suggested I do other things I enjoy just as much as talking to him, and not revolve my schedule around us calling at night. I agree, but that's the problem. I have nothing I can do alone that gives me joy anymore. I've been doing things by myself for so long that being alone is mundane. My depression has hindered me from enjoying being alone, and dragged me down when I try to find comfort in multiplayer activities. I have no other friends I can spend time with, where I can feel at least a little comfortable being myself. It's a miracle I'm even friends with this person. If I hadn't admired him for his work, I wouldn't have tried with all my energy to be his friend. I might be dead by now, as grim as that sounds. I have people I can hang out with, (my mom, my sister, a few online buddies) but no one who can make me go to sleep at night feeling like there's not a big hole in my heart and I have true friendship or knowing I really do have people who care about me. I really don't wanna lose my friend because I'm too needy, or too clingy. I've considered just taking a break from my friend, but I feel like it might make things worse. He's the only daily non-family social interaction I get right now. Or my depression will get awful again and I won't have anyone to fully confide in. I guess I just don't want to use my friend as a crutch constantly. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's also storming really hard here. Hoping that it doesn't turn into a tornado because the last thing I need tonight, is becoming scared stiff or homeless.
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