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ChrissyNoelle

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About ChrissyNoelle

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 05/29/2001

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA, AR
  • Interests
    Digital art, gaming, creative expression, and that's about it.

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  1. ChrissyNoelle

    So much is changing and it hurts

    So a lot has happened over the past half year. I had my lows, an absolute nightmare with medication, bonding that lead to a relationship, changes in my body and mind, etc. I'm currently glad to be learning new things about myself. I'm happy that I'm in a romantic relationship now. I'm exploring new things, from video games to learning how to let go. I still have no social life outside of my house, but meh. One step at a time. But there is one thing that's been wrecking havoc on me since December. I feel like too much is changing all at once, both my surroundings, interactions, and my own identity. And my brain is having a terribly homesick reaction to all of it. I'll set an example. One is around my boyfriend. Before he was my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I even considered him to be my older brother. He was so kind, sweet, and he teased me how a lot of brothers do to their sisters. Now, he didn't change in that sense at all after the status changed, at least in personality. But I couldn't call him my "big brother" anymore. I really did fall for him, I'm not with him just because he fell head over heels for me. But my mind has separated "my boyfriend" from "my honorary brother". They're two different people now. It's how I cope. And I miss that brother so freaking much. He was the one that talked me out of suicide. He was there with me since 2017. It hurts really badly to know that I can't reach him anymore, because now he's someone else. He's part of my boyfriend, but I can't see him anymore because I can't have a brother AND a boyfriend as the same person. I don't want them both as the same person, for obvious reasons. But I miss him so much that I start to cry whenever I think about him. I feel so homesick knowing he's gone, and if me and my boyfriend ever broke up I don't think we'd be able to go back to this sibling type of love. I always wanted a big brother in my life. And now he's gone, I can't replace him, and it devastates me. This is my problem. I miss the old days, because they were so familiar. They always gave me feelings I hold dear. But now that things are changing, my mind doesn't like it. Things like growing up, starting to have more bodily functions activated, gaining more responsibility, hitting my 20s, on and on. I want to go forward, I really do, but I'm so far outside of my comfort zone that I can't even see it anymore. I know now I react badly to big changes, and adapt poorly. Even things like not being depressed are making me want to go back to the dark days. It was like a blanket of security in a twisted way. But I know I can't, and moving forward is what's best. But I feel so homesick. Just like when I had sleepovers as a kid...I wanna go home. I wanna go home so badly. TL;DR - Many things are changing in my life. Most are good, beneficial or necessary changes. I know that they all need to happen, and some I do want to go along with. But I don't react well to change because I'm happiest in the familiar. It's making me feel homesickness and heartache. Do I just need to get over it? I thought a way to cope is to adapt to the biggest changes right now, and put all others on hold until I feel comfortable again. Things like school, my body, and my new romantic relationship would be top priority. Everything else I ignore until I'm ready to move forward. I would really like some advice. And on another note. I've already talked to my boyfriend about the example I put up. He did say that if it hurt too much to keep going, we could go back to how we were before. I told him no because I liked where we were...I just really miss the old days. Please help. In any way possible. Thanks. ~Chrissy
  2. Alright. So big things happened today. Let's get into it. So last year in late summer, I was diagnosed with depression and I was considering suicide for a couple days in August. I reached out for help because I rationally knew that to hide would just make me self destruct. I received massive support from my online friends, (one of which became my boyfriend this month, heheh.) my parents, sister, and therapist. I slowly started to stop believing that no one cared about me, and at the worst I still have a handful of people who are there for me. I got on mirtazipine and slowly started to stabilize, until shortly before Christmas when I was no longer in destructive mental health. I hardly get suicidal thoughts anymore, and now self loathing seems to only come when I make mistakes. A good thing I think I will note is the major causes to my depression and suicidal behavior. It's hard for me to keep track of and will make explaining a WHOLE lot easier. The causes are as followed: Being pressured to take on adult responsibilities, and feeling completely unprepared for them, shut down my emotional state and made me have an unbearable amount of anxiety. E.g. Get a driver's license, apply for a job, expand my social activities, etc. Religion in the family. I've evolved into an agnostic, whereas my extended family, and the entire state area, are solid Christians. I began to believe that this meant no one would ever connect with me, much less want to. I would never find friends or loved ones. I did not belong ANYWHERE. Thus I isolated myself further than I already did. Lack of connections. As said above religion was a big block in this subject. I believed that absolutely no one out there wanted to try to understand the me that lives inside my head. I wanted someone so badly to try to see how I see the world and appreciate it. But no one ever tried, and I took it as "No one loves me, those who say they do are just aesthetic. Because if they really loved me they'd try harder to get in my head and see what I think, desire, and feel." So I didn't try to expand my connections with effort, because why try if no one is going to care? The rest is just the results of the causes; isolation, self loathing, depression, lost sense of self, agonizing loneliness, numbness, and so on. So, I'm improved. Yay. But since I'm no longer "severely depressed", and can do things again, I realized I'd have to go back to responsibilities again and, eventually, take on adult ones. I turn 18 in May. While the whole "get a job, drive a car, etc." was one of the things that drove me to depression in the first place, I know I can't just run away from them forever. But the problem is, I'm stuck in the rubble and I have to build up all the blocks again like how it is in the blueprint. But I don't have the instructions to fill in the middle- so how do I get from a destruction aftermath, to stable buildings? And now this is where it gets good. So yesterday, I had a session with my therapist. We were talking about how me and my boyfriend have a weird problem with always insisting the other person gets what they want. She brought up the enneagram test and how maybe that was an attribute of a 3 or a 9, and that I should take the test to see. So the next day I went and found a big old enneagram book stashed in a bookshelf somewhere. For those who don't know, the enneagram test is just a personality test. Took the test and, woah, I'm not a 3 or a 9, I'm a 4? Guess I'll read up on it. This test gave me an INSANE epiphany. This test explained every single thing I do that I didn't understand about myself. From how I got depressed to why I only eat bread and veggie sticks for lunch. This Type 4 "Individualist" made me see EXACTLY what my problems are, how they triggered my depression, where it rooted from, and in knowing this, realize where the problem lies. And because of this, I can start getting better. In the short sense, my depression came about because I backed myself into a dead end and refused to go back the other way. I'm too indirect and yet still expect people to know what I want. I'm even narcissistic, a quality I thought I would never have. I refuse to see the good in myself, and if I do it's VERY rarely. I've forced myself to believe I'm different from everyone, an outcast. I've even come up with a self image in my head of what I want to be. AKA the Fantasy Self, according to the test. I want someone to sweep me away and save me from all this turmoil I brought on myself, I want a savior. Hell I've already pushed that onto my boyfriend. I'm really happy to have found all of this out so I can start correcting my behavior. Because, well, it's destructive. About that savior thing. I say this to my boyfriend, who wept for me the night I told him I wanted to die. I tell him he's my savior, but at the same time I remember, did he come for me while I was just sobbing in the rain, like in all those films with the scene in the rain? No. I walked up to his doorstep in the pouring rain (please remember this is a metaphor, heheh), knocked on the door, and said "Hey. Please save me. I want to end myself because I don't have anyone else to love me intimately (platonic or romantic), and I believe no one ever will. If you want to help, thanks, I guess. If not, I understand. Sorry." And THEN he cried for me. In this scenario, who did the saving? Both of us. Not only him or only me, both of us. Because I broke out of the isolation cycle and allowed myself to find help, and to be helped. I did the EXACT opposite of what I've been doing all my life. And though I do enjoy saying that my "friend" saved me, I know that it took my effort to start, and his to keep it going. If I tried waiting I'd probably be long dead now. I know that because I, without knowing the root problem or this enneagram test result or anything, did the thing that saved my life. Because of that, I can do it again, and I can get myself out of this aftermath. I can figure out how to get to a healthy life again. With all these problems and weaknesses, a strength of a Type 4 is their insane self-awareness. I didn't even need a test to know that. That quality is what I'm gonna use to get out of this rut. Knowing the problem can get you started on fixing it. Now that I know it, I finally have clarity and I know I can fix myself. I can do it. I'm not even out yet and I already feel liberated. But I can't stop there. Wish me luck. ~Chrissy P.S. If you'd like to try this enneagram test, you can search for one online. For some reason there aren't many free ones, but you can still look if you're interested. A paid one only costs like...10 dollars? Up to you if you want to take one. And no I'm not sponsored, lol. Just friendly information. You could always just read the types and see which one fits you best, if you don't want to pay for a copy of the test. I highly suggest using the enneagram though, you may figure out why you do the things you do. Maybe it will help you like it helped me. I hope so. Anyway, here's the link to the site I've been using. [link removed; enneagram institute dot com] And apologies if this post seems scattered. I'm exhilarated but also very exhausted at the moment. And it's 12 am here, sorry if things don't make as much sense as they should!
  3. ChrissyNoelle

    I think I'm getting better 😃

    Hey guys, been gone since Christmas got hella busy for me, and after that was a HUGE emotional rollercoaster. But for once it was a good one. However Christmas was a bit melancholy this year, with depression and "growing up" making it a bit duller. Still taking antidepressants, upped my dose a bit ago and it made an impact. I was pretty much out of commission for days but it may have given me a boost. I think I've got the direct aftermath point of depression. I'm surrounded by rubble in my mind and I'm trying to build a couple bricks back up. The bloody battle is pretty much over but I'm very hesitant to try to go back to a vibrant life. I kind of just want to lay low for a long time. I wasn't one for an energetic lifestyle in the first place anyway. My psychiatrist keeps pushing me to find a group in town to hang with, but honestly I think it would just exhaust me. I'm trying to get back to more schoolwork but I keep getting sick and it just gets too hard. Even though I feel I don't have the energy to go out and do recreational stuff, I've actually improved relations a bit. My best friend asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after New Year's, so I'm in my first relationship. My brothers are being slightly less little pricks. And my parents are showing to be less paranoid than I thought. Speaking of which they're gonna let my boyfriend visit in summer. So I'm very excited. Stopped feeling like I don't want to do anything, and suicidal thoughts are almost nonexistent now. I'm working back into a routine and things feel like they're going to a normal pace. So yeah. I'm doing a lot better than I was.
  4. Helped my grandma decorate for Christmas. My dad took me to an anime shop in downtown and to a Mediterranean style restaurant. I was out for 8 hours, very tiring but it was still pretty fun. Part of me wanted to scream because I was out for so long though. Started a big animation project as a gift to my family. Gonna take all month, I hope I'm up for the challenge.
  5. I have never had a best friend in my life until very recently. In fact, I've never had friends that were even minorly close beyond good words. And this is just online; I've never had a friend in the real world that was more than a playmate or a classmate. The reasons for that aren't very necessary to get into at the moment. So, my best friend. He's a guy I met through a game 2 and a half years ago. He had a YouTube channel I admired, so I actually met him first as a fan. He is fairly older than me, but our relationship consists of calling each other "little sister" and "big brother" in case you get worried. Knowing him for a few years now, I can say he's not a predator or anything. We were fairly close after an encounter in early 2017 forcing him to open up. But in one night in August he talked me out of suicide; and thus we became inseparable. We've called each other on Discord nearly every evening since then and often times we fall asleep in the middle of it. Though I've noticed that if he goes off to do something else, or hang out with other people which ends up in us not calling, I get incredibly lonely and sad. Maybe a bit too lonely and sad for my own good. I'm not really sure what to do about this. Am I getting clingy to our friendship because I've never had one as close as ours? Or one that could leak into real life? I've talked to him about this and he suggested I do other things I enjoy just as much as talking to him, and not revolve my schedule around us calling at night. I agree, but that's the problem. I have nothing I can do alone that gives me joy anymore. I've been doing things by myself for so long that being alone is mundane. My depression has hindered me from enjoying being alone, and dragged me down when I try to find comfort in multiplayer activities. I have no other friends I can spend time with, where I can feel at least a little comfortable being myself. It's a miracle I'm even friends with this person. If I hadn't admired him for his work, I wouldn't have tried with all my energy to be his friend. I might be dead by now, as grim as that sounds. I have people I can hang out with, (my mom, my sister, a few online buddies) but no one who can make me go to sleep at night feeling like there's not a big hole in my heart and I have true friendship or knowing I really do have people who care about me. I really don't wanna lose my friend because I'm too needy, or too clingy. I've considered just taking a break from my friend, but I feel like it might make things worse. He's the only daily non-family social interaction I get right now. Or my depression will get awful again and I won't have anyone to fully confide in. I guess I just don't want to use my friend as a crutch constantly. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's also storming really hard here. Hoping that it doesn't turn into a tornado because the last thing I need tonight, is becoming scared stiff or homeless.
  6. ChrissyNoelle

    Talk about your pets!

    I don't have a personal pet anymore, but my family has three cats. Jasper, Cleo, and Butterscotch. I like Cleo the best because she's the only one who likes attention. She also loves my room and besides my mom, cause she feeds her, she likes me second best. I think. The rest are lazy fat cats that don't even know how the litter box works. Oh well. Jasper has a cute meow though, and if he purrs it's very loud. Butterscotch... I don't like him much because he likes to make the bathroom his litter box. He's generally kinda gross. But we were considering calling him Sauron because his eyes are bright orange. For personal pets, I used to have guinea pigs. Three of em. They were very sweet and loved being petted. Sadly, the first two died and the last we had to give away. But she is being taken care of by a very nice little girl, so I'm happy. Their names were Coco, Star, and Potato. Very cute. :D
  7. As said in the title, I may likely have derealization and depersonalization. I haven't found good places to talk about it fully, so here may be best. I constantly feel disconnected, even if I don't realize it. I do have severe symptoms every now and then but most of the time, I just feel completely disconnected from people. It might stem from the fact I've rejected my own body in numerous ways. I had a weird but deathly fear of vomiting, ever since I was really little. This causes me to essentially want to divide myself from my body so I don't have to deal with fear or pain, becaise it causes me extreme paranoia. Recently it made me want to die, at my absolute low, but luckily I'm not in that deep mindset anymore. It was months ago. On top of this, I generically consider myself ugly, or at least not pretty. Below average maybe. To defend from rejecting myself again I just ignore my appearance. I never look directly in the mirror unless I'm using makeup or something. I have an image in my head of what I want to look like, and I pretend that's what is projected to the world, so I don't look like trash that's always sad. Exact same goes for my voice. I can only name one time I looked in the mirror and thought I was pretty nice looking. And then there's reality of people. Don't get me started on it. It's funny, because I absolutely care about what other people think of me, but at the same time, I don't have a grasp on the fact that other people think, much less how or what they think. This messy back-and-forth results in me believing everyone assumes the worst of me and I assume the best of everyone. Because my only frame of reference is how I think. And I usually assume the worst of myself, to prepare the self-proclaimed fact that I'm always assumed the worst of. It's kinda sad but oh well. I'm so used to this way of thinking, that I get emotional when someone has a similar thought as me on a tiny thing. I get incredibly happy when someome acknowledges something stupidly specific that I guess we've all been through, like when our dads would ask us to hold the flashlight so they could work, and then we got yelled at for not holding it right. I get surprised when people remember me, or go out of their way to talk about me. Even mention me. It's been one of my deepest desires to magically or scientifically get into someone's mind and see their every thought, every neuron synapse fire and every word from that information. And I'm afraid it's the only way I can understand everyone else completely. This depersonalization is like being stuck in a glass bubble, relaying random information outwards and only expecting a certain type back, or none at all. My life revolves around theorization on how to interact at this point. And then there's the derealization. It's not as bad as the depersonalization, but it's very annoying. Sometimes I think I'm in a simulation. Sometimes I think the sky looks suspiciously like a skydome in a videogame. Sometimes I don't understand how I got from one place to another, the outside of the car was a blur, therefore I assume it doesn't exist. Despite all of this, I find I'm still very open minded and aware of things. That sounds contradictory, but it's like I know I do this, but I can't stop. I've acknowledged the bubble but I can't get out. I know that people MUST think for themselves. I know I can't be the only person who can think, otherwise everything would be much, MUCH different. But logic can't defy my own twisted version of it. I really want to stop thinking like this. I know I'm an empathetic person and I want to be able to empathize with people without feeling completely disconnected, and no idea what to do. Worst of all, this way of thinking often makes me think the world should revolve around me. No one else thinks, therefore everyone's attention should be focused on the person that can think. I am the only important factor in their lives. Even as I type this I know it's twisted logic. If I told a stranger this, they'd say I'm an incredibly selfish and self centered person. The problem is that in the whole world, the only person I can understand is myself. I am self centered, but I didn't choose to be like that or refuse to change. It's my brain attacking itself in the most confusing way I've ever seen. It makes me very sad, because I'm living in a half truth and lie. If I completely believed this way of thinking, I'd probably be incredibly narcissistic, selfish, and cruel to others. I don't understand why I'm not. Maybe because I know if that's how I act, the only garbled information I'm gonna receive back is all negative. Or worse, it will completely stop as I push away everyone. As I read over this again, I feel like a walking contradiction. I've vaguely talked about this before. I've been suggested to get medication for it. I'm already on antidepressants but I don't know if I should get a separate one for this. Anyway, thank you for listening.
  8. ChrissyNoelle

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Not sure if I'm feeling lazy or depressed this morning. Might extend on this in a different place later.
  9. ChrissyNoelle

    I don't want to turn 18 next year

    Thank you all for the advice and stories you've shared! It's nice to get anonymous opinions. In the end I'm eventually gonna have to make my own choice on this and the rest of my life. I do have a very big decision coming up that I need my parents approval on, or it won't happen for a very long time. I should talk to them about having my freedom beforehand, or it may not go well. Maybe it turns out I'm paranoid about influences of rules when I was younger. Embarrassing, but that would make everything much easier. I'll talk to them soon. We'll see what happens.
  10. ChrissyNoelle

    How Do You Feel Right Now #9

    Feeling exhausted yet restless. My only friend had a rough day and I was worrying about him, because it's happening more often. Piled on that I made a mistake. Nothing huge but my anxiety amped it up so much that I couldn't continue schoolwork. Doesn't help because I'm already behind on my work. I don't want to be mopey around my friend because I don't wanna add to his problems, and with him being my only non-family support , I'm kinda stuck. But I don't know who else to talk to. I may just end up feeling numb the rest of the evening, and hope I feel better tomorrow. Though I might try talking to him and we can be sad together I guess. We'll see.
  11. My parents have tended to have the "set date" mindset for when I have to do things. 17 to get a job and start dating, 18 to master driving and get a licence, 19 to finish school (had to repeat a grade) and think about college. That, plus all the things that come with adulthood. This causes me so much anxiety and makes me want to hide in my depression, so I have an excuse to not do any of that. The idea that at a certain exact age you have to do things, or you're ready to do things, has baffled me since my first step into teenage years. I believe in building up to those moments, and while I can't do anything to bypass law limits at an early time, that doesn't mean I have to jump into it right at the legal age. For example, getting a job. I could have built up by volunteering and doing part time jobs earlier as a teenager, to know what it's like. And while admittedly, I didn't do that because I'm terrible at starting new things, that's not a reason for me to suddenly start working a full time job at 18. Though my parents let off earlier this year, after finding out how anxiety ridden I was knowing I had to get a job at 17. And some things they're looser on than others. But I can still tell that they still have expectations once I hit 18. They still talk about whether or not I want to do college or art school, when I just want to simmer alone for a year after graduation. Same with trust. They didn't want me getting a private computer until now, and even when I save up for it I have to keep it in the open. They used to make me voice call with online friends without headphones so they could hear the conversation. Asking questions every time I brought up talking to a boy or man online, even if it was the same guy again and again. Not letting me go on walks as far as I want myself, within reason. So many things that have been and are being restricted for no known reason, or one that makes no sense. I know it's not because I'm a rule breaker. I know it's not cause I'm a troublemaker. They've admitted I'm the most responsible child in the house. So why? And knowing that once I'm 18, the floodgates of responsibility and freedom are gonna completely open makes me absolutely terrified. Feels like they chained me to a tree by a cliff, and now they're gonna just throw me off the cliff expecting me to fly. This greatly contributed to my depression and anxiety. I felt like I had failed at stepping into adulthood, so I shut down and isolated myself (while my depression is greatly affected by this, a lot more of it had to do with other things). And while it's not as severe anymore, I feel like if I don't follow up to these expectations, I'm just gonna be labeled as the 30 year old who's gonna live with their parents forever. But if I ask them to let me start deciding things for myself slowly, they're gonna think I'm rebellious, or be sneaky, or something. The truth is that's already happened. I've already learned what happens when you have bad secrets, and be sneaky about it. They don't know, but that's a whole other can of worms for later. Point being, I feel like time is running out. I only tried driving a car once, I have no desire for a romantic relationship, I have almost zero practice with work, and my depression is already hindering me to maybe finishing highschool later than 19. Maybe not. I turn 18 next May, and I honestly just want my self evolved freedom now. But it's like my parents don't believe I've earned it. Or they are being incredibly overprotective. I want freedom, but how it's coming just makes me want to go back to being 10 again.
  12. Mostly from strangers on the Internet, but "Hey, I see you, you who have depression/anxiety/etc. I love you and others do too. I know what it's like. I'll be here for you." That never made any sense to me. Why would a stranger (most often times it's a celebrity or someone famous) want to help me? It feels fake to say "I love you and I'm here" to someone who you've never met, much less a lot of people at once. You don't know me, you don't understand and can never understand my exact situation. It's better if they take the approach of "I know you have people who love you", but to such a broad audience it feels exactly the same. I hate forced sympathy.
  13. Hey guys, just another new face. I'm Chrissy, I was hesitant to join because I noticed there's a lot of older people here, and I'm not even an adult yet. But I decided to, since I'm looking for a place to casually talk about my depression. I'm 17, got diagnosed with depression in August. I also have social anxiety so that's not a fun time for anyone. But besides all that, I'm generally quiet, but I have a lot of creative tendencies. I used to draw a lot, and now I'm animating. I still draw, but not quite as much. I also love gaming! Usually I'm very passive and go along with everyone else, but I'm trying to speak up a little more now. It's hard because, well...I don't go out much, and I truly have no real life friends, so I can only try with my family. Not to mention being vulnerable kinda sucks sometimes. Anyway, that's me. Hello all! We'll see how often I come around here.
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