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Jamark8

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About Jamark8

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    KY
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  1. I've been using CBD Oil in my Vape. I've noticed that when I go up in the milligrams, it works better and quicker. I began with 200mg. Then 300mg. Now I'm at 500mg and I noticed a huge difference. A difference in my physical pain level. It's helping the pain to not be as intense. A difference in anxiety. I feel more confident to be able to go out of the house because the anxiety has decreased with the use of CBD Oil. Even depression isn't as severe. I hope they keep doing research into the use of CBD Oil. I hope it improves even more. I'm in Kentucky, so that means no legal marijuana. They are so backwards here that I bet KY will be the last to ever legalize it. I don't mean to complain, but they do it behind closed doors... then don't want it legalized. KY is well known for being the Bible Belt State of Hypocrisy. I hate it here. Though there's no place like home, I still hate the location... I hate the hypocrisy... it's disgusting. Forgive my rant. I don't mean to. It's just very annoying being stuck in Purgatory like this.
  2. Update: I have some scary news. Sort-of. Well, if you have read my other blog posts, I think I mentioned I have a spine condition that … well.. has no cure. I had surgery on my Lumbar Spine (lower back) to fuse the bone on two levels. I have titanium rods and screws in it. The scary news is that my neck has been giving me trouble lately. I've already got a pinched nerve which causes my entire right arm to go numb and tingly if I do not take my medication for it. Well, I'll soon be gone with that medication. I have to have surgery on my Cervical Spine (neck). The scary part is - I had an MRI done on my neck back in 2017. It showed pretty gruesome results. I have Degenerative Disc Disease in every single disc in my neck. I just have a feeling that the MRI I am to get in a few months will show even more gross results. I'm scared of how many levels my doc will have to fuse. And if I'll ever be able to turn my neck again. The surgery is set for next Spring. Depression and Anxiety: I've had depression and anxiety a bit lately. I can find that joy every once in a while. One day, I'll catch that joy and never let it go. But for now... it is what it is. Anxiety I get from even needing to take my dog out to potty. Even leaving the house to go to the grocery store. Even getting on social media. But I'm overcoming it a bit. I face it afraid. I'm shaking in my booties but I go out anyway. I sign on anyway. It's scary. But I have to overcome this. Love: Why is it so hard for me to find a girlfriend? I'm about 35 years old and I've only had 2 girlfriends. One online, and one in real life, but it only lasted about 2 weeks. What's wrong with me? Everyone keeps telling me that if I love myself first, then others will be able to love me. I'm trying to love myself. But still, no one likes me. I cannot find a girlfriend in real life or online. I feel hopeless and doomed to be alone, even until the day I die. :( I know I'm not that good looking. But I've seen worse. Yes, I've seen better, but definitely I'm not that bad. C'mon! An old friend long lost: I had a friend on Facebook a long time ago, about 2 years ago I think, and he said he was going to travel but be back in 4 days, and he's not been back since. I've looked online to find him and I did, but I'm not sure if he'll be able to come back or not. He's gotten into some trouble because something of his past. But he was a great friend and we got along so great; I felt like he was the only one who really listened to me and understood me. He told me I was a great friend to him too - which I don't hear often. I want him to come back. I want to let him know that no matter what his past is, I'll still be his friend no matter what. I miss him. Okay well, that's all for now. I'm sorry I've been absent so long. I've taken a big break away from the internet. I've been writing on my books. I've got 25 published of a series, plus about 10 or so others of compilation books. Well, not exactly 10. Maybe 6 or 7. Anyway, thanks for reading. I love you guys. Take care.
  3. WOW. Thank you, this helped me. You thought it wouldn't help anyone, but it did me. I don't know your specific details of course, but I can relate. I feel you through those words. It's something I could really relate too, as I am struggling with harming my insides too... It gets scary out in the world sometimes. But I always feel alone too, especially in despair and I often get or see the hope a little too late. When I come out of the depression and regroup my mind, I get that hope feeling, as if one day the Joy will stay with me in my heart for ever and ever. Here's some wisdom I've gathered. I wrote it in a special journal: Sometimes we have to have a breakdown before we have a breakthrough. And what you focus on grows. What you resist, persists. Resistance makes stronger. Complete the past so you don't have to repeat the past. If past memory comes, look at it, observe it, acknowledge it's there, but let it go. Trust the Universe, trust the process. Know it's all coming from within anyways. Your reality is a reflection of what you believe to be true. Decrease the importance of things you're giving a lot of meaning to. Let go of giving things too much meaning. Patterns of the past keep us in ego. Show your mistakes to let others know its okay to make mistakes. Things get better when you don't resist... just be yourself. It only matters how you see yourself. Don't try to control everything. We don't attract what we want, we attract what we are. The day you plant the seed is not the same day you eat the fruit. You harm yourself, as dust thrown against the wind comes back to the thrower. Anxiety deals with the future, depression deals with the past. Stay Present. Ego = the phantom self that runs your life when you're not there as witnessing consciousness. The awakening process is an inside job. Pleasure is externalized. Joy rises from within. Enlightenment is knowing how much you don't know and being okay with that. Nothing changes for the better in your life until you do. Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know. You didn't come here to be perfect, you came here to be real. If you learn self control, you can control anything. The greatest relationship you can have is with yourself. Prove yourself to yourself. The Universe reveals it's secrets to those who dare to follow their hearts. Life begins where fear ends. We control how we respond to situations, but not the situation itself. We control attitude. Learn to accept being in the present moment. The things we can't control teach us how to let go. Step into the truth of who you really are, move into the oneness that everything is, and trust the Universe's plan. I hope this helps.
  4. My absence; I do not remember the last time I came on here. And I didn't mean to be absent here. I love talking to you guys on this forum. I had been very sick back in March and went to ER and they kept me in the hospital for 4 days, pumping antibiotics (pennacillin, spelling?) in my IV, giving me nausea med in IV that made me get worse sick at my stomach at first.. so they'd then just put in the pain meds first, then the nausea med. So anyway, I've been taking some time off the computer just to rest and clear my mind and heal my body. I thought about you guys a lot and wanted to come back sooner, but I didn't feel exactly good enough. So I'm glad I took time off to rest. :) More LOA studies; I've been looking into the Law of Attraction for a while now; still having the synchronicities which is so reassuring and comforting. I want to tell you more about it, but explaining it simply is difficult. All I know is that I understand more and more as I research it, and I enjoy learning about it. There's so many branches of books, hobbies and more that I have interest in, but maybe one day when I feel better I'll type up what I researched and share it here. :) Vision Boards; If any of you saw my collages that I posted here, you'll know what a Vision Board is, for those who don't know. So I'm making a new one after I finished about 5-6 of them, but I couldn't find the right words or pictures to add to it. I bought several old magazines to collect pictures and words that I believe fit me and that I need to see everyday. When I finish it, I'll take a pic of it and post it here. Not only are they helpful to look at everyday, but they were so much fun to make. I'd like to make 2 vision boards, then make other collages later. I'm excited. I have a lot to do, but it helps to keep my mind off problems and off myself. .
  5. I tortured myself as I usually do, thinking and jumping to conclusions, the worst case scenario. Synchronicities piece things together with reassurance. And the Universe is for me, right beside me, Gratitude shows up everywhere. My dominant thoughts become my dominant experiences and reality. I believe in the Secret. Now I must only apply it in full. The past I cannot change, it is gone, and the future is out of my control Be Present. The Present is the Past and Future combined, Just as I type this, it's already becoming the past. With every letter I type, the next letter is the future, but the letter behind it is now the past. Live in the NOW moment. Quit time travelling to the past with regret, and to the future with anxiety. That makes for a very unpleasant Present. Life keeps on going. So this is now past, because the present is continuous. Never stopping for anyone. Mistakes come, and they go with lessons. How would we know anything unless we first fail, and learn what it is NOT, to narrow it down to what it IS? World News scares me, but I know what fear is. False Evidence Appearing Real. People may try to scare me, but I know everything will be okay. ___ The mouse in a box with glass of a type of acid. This Acid is odorless, but fatal You’ll never know if the mouse is dead or alive unless you open the box. But in that moment, the mouse is both dead and alive, because of what isn’t known. That's how I feel about reading the Bible now, Can you take the word of others and call it a truth when you don't even know for yourself if it's true or false? Like this: Reality: Everyone has a red box. You don’t know what’s in anybody else's box but you own. You have a silver ball in your red box. Is your reality true, and the only truth, about what’s in your box as opposed to everyone else’s box? Is your box the only truth? What if everyone had a silver ball? You’d never know. What if you were the only one who got a silver ball? You’d never know. What if yours had a silver ball, but everyone else's box was empty? What is not known for certain cannot be considered the TRUTH for all. Thank you for reading. I hope this makes sense.
  6. Jamark8

    Mistakes

    Thank you :) Ahh, I did let it get to me the first week. But after that, I noticed I was being given messages on how to let it all go and not focus on the problem, but focus on my comeback and how I can be stronger.. as with every issue that I may face. I appreciate you reading all this. :) It makes me feel comforted knowing someone read it. :)
  7. Jamark8

    Mistakes

    I've been gone for a while because I was trying to sort out a problem that I recently had. I had obviously made a mistake, or I call it that. I'm afraid to tell what it is because I don't want people thinking the wrong things about me. But.. well, I had to see my psych doc on the 28th of January. He has me prescribed Cymbalta, Lorazepam, and he used to have me on Invega, but I had a seizure, so I quit taking it for the rest of last month. So, I wasn't on my antipsychotic med. I went about 2 1/2 weeks without it, without anything to stop the psychosis. Anyway, on Sunday the 27th, I was WIDE awake, and it was midnight, and I HAD to get sleep to make it for my 10:30am appointment with my psych doc. I searched everywhere for my Melatonin, because that's what I use to help me sleep. I couldn't find it anywhere. So, I had quite a few pills left over from previous prescriptions that my psych doc had written for me years ago. I thought it wouldn't hurt to take on of them to help me sleep so I could function the next day. Boy did I get in trouble for that. Lo and behold, they gave me a urine test on the 28th. I only took 0.5mg of Klonopin. I had been prescribed that years ago but still had some left. I was actually saving it for in case the world gets more chaotic and I'd eventually need them, just in case of some sort of apocalyptic type event, ya know? Better safe than sorry. Well, I'm sorry now. He b*tched me out about taking it, because it shows up on the "KASPER" report (In Kentucky, of all places, I hate it here worse than anything) (Kasper, the Unholy Ghost). He said it made it look sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad on me. Thankfully he left some notes about it just being a desperate attempt to get to sleep so I could function the next day. I got so upset about it that I harmed myself twice when I got home, and I flushed ALL my emergency medications down the toilet. After this, I had nightmares galore, so much stress, I couldn't think of anything except how BAD my doc said it was. I agree I shouldn't have taken it. I should have forced myself to get out at midnight to get sleep meds at the store. I felt I could do nothing right, and I'm just now barely able to keep it out of my mind. I've always been sensitive and been so concerned about what people think of me. I'm working on changing that. I've not made it yet, but I'm working on it. Also, he ended up giving me a few samples of pills called Rexulti I think it's called. It works pretty decent, IMO. Reminds me of Risperdal. But I can't take Risperdal anymore because it gave me gynecomastia. I just hope this one continues to work. I bet if I'd have been on an antipsychotic med all month, I"d have been able to think more clear and wouldn't have made the mistake of taking a previous prescription. So anyway, that's why i've been gone. I'm embarrassed that I'm writing this, but they've wh*red around my "Kasper the unholy ghost report" that it wouldn't surprise me if everyone in the whole state knows what I done. One little thing. One little mistake, and the put it on a permanent record for you. Reminds me of that social credit system in China.
  8. I was testing the Ginko Biloba that I used to take in high school.... I was trying it as a night-time remedy for remembering my dreams. Indeed, I did remember them. However, there were a few things that made it all worse. Anger and irritability: It caused me to be more angry and irritable upon waking. It lasted til the early evening. Not good. Sweating: I have hyperhidrosis already, but it made the sweating even more worse. Very Vivid Dreams: My dreams were so vivid that I woke in panic. I did remember them in very clear detail. However, a few days afterwards, it was as if I had not even taken it as I did not remember my dreams as well a few days later and like right now, I remember them but it's just not as clear as when I first woke up. Very Severe Headaches: I began to get 'splitting' headaches after taking this. I woke up with the headaches. I'm sorry I don't have much else to say about this, but I thought it would be important to document it. One of you guys asked to see how my experiment went. I tried this for about 7 days. I began to notice the anger/irritability, sweating, dreams and headaches about the second or third night. And in coming out of a dream, I saw, with my eyes closed, what looked like broadcast circles that were above me "giving me the dream". It made me become a little paranoid, I was thinking I was either being given the dreams from a broadcast satellite by the government or maybe being cursed by a witch, because I dreamed of witches in my dreams; I also had a series of continuing dreams upon waking, going back to sleep, and waking again, then sleeping again. If I think of anything else to say about this, I'll make a new blog post about it. I hope this helps someone, anyone 🙂 Edit note: Also I began taking my antipsychotic medication in the mornings, and I have noticed being more irritable with it than when I take it at night. So the irritability may come from the morning dose of the antipsychotic.
  9. I'm embarrassed to talk about this, but hoping I can get into one of the forums here to talk about some stuff going on in my life right now that needs to be dealt with before it gets worse. So funny, and ironic, that there's nothing online about it unless you pay (forums included) so I wonder... if it's such a problem among people, why is there no help out there for free? I ate spaghetti tonight. And ate too much. My stomach is almost distinted (however you spell it) because of it. Lately I've been out of what so terribly. I haven't been walking like usual; I haven't been eating my fruits enough. I've had a problem with something that I cannot talk about right here right now, yet. I feel like I'm gaining weight after I tried so hard to lose it. I've been freezing my pop drinks all day today. Sam's cola, then Mountain citrus (Like Pepsi and Mountain Dew except 3 dollars less). I've had to pee a lot today too. But I guess that's good. Keep it flowing. Mom bought me some grapes the other day and they weren't due to be old until tomorrow, but yesterday they were molded and pussed. Gross. We paid $4.22 for them. Got 'em at IGA. I guess I'll have to go to Kroger or Walmart for them then. IGA's stuff is gone yuck. I like to dip my fruits in the cream cheese fruit dip. It's so good, but I must use it wisely, not put as much on my fruits as I have been. It'll cause me to gain even more weight. I'm burning Egyptian Musk and Nag Champa incenses now. I got a new burner in the mail today. It's huge! It fits about 15 sticks at once, if you wanted to use all of it, but I wouldn't do that. Not in a small area. I usually use two at a time, and sometimes mix the scents, as long as they go together. Found a magazine online that I wanted to get in print form. However, I thought it would be once a month and it's only quarterly. I paid $19.99. I should have made sure how many I'd get first. I guess it would be like paying $5.00 a magazine, now. Oh well. It's called Light of Consciousness. It's a New-Age type magazine with lots of stuff about Yoga and meditation. Today I felt a sense of JOY most of the day. Usually I only feel the JOY for about 2 seconds, then it leaves me in sorrow and despair again. I don't know what's different, but I think the Universe is keeping the bad away from me. I noticed I rarely time-travelled today (going mentally into past or future). Maybe that's why. I need to stay and be present at all times. *CLAP* Present!! I hope everyone's doing okay/good. I tried to upload a video on my other post's comments, but it hasn't been approved by a moderator yet. I thought it would just bring some smiles for you guys. Thank you all for being here. Remember, you are loved and needed. NO matter what your feelings tell you. I'll notice if you're ever gone. Trust me. You are loved and needed, always.
  10. LOL Yes I guess so. If something would have happened, I'd have heard about it by now :-D
  11. I was talking to a friend I had been with as a girlfriend for a little while... we broke it up after a week, but I'm very nervous to talk to her, but she seems to be doing very well, and I'm glad, very very happy for her. She is smiling in her pictures, and with a new guy, and I am sincerely so happy for her. She needed someone decent for her. I walked 10 minutes today. I'm getting back into exercise. I wish I could stick with it. Everyday. My eyes need checked. I have trouble to see my closed captions on t.v. Hmm. Kinda depressed but kinda excited, also kinda dopey today. I feel a million feelings at once. I felt joy earlier and it lasted longer than the usual 2 seconds. I want to get it back and keep it forever.
  12. Ah cool! If Siddhartha is anything like The Alchemist, I know it'll be the best! If it was worth modeling your life after reading it, it's one of those books that really stick with you years after you read it. That's how it was when I read The Timekeeper. I like books that keep you wanting to read more and more, that you won't get bored of when it begins, etc. I'll definitely begin reading that. I'd like to start tonight. Last night I got too sleepy to read. But I slept with it on my bed. I'll begin it tonight. Now I'm excited to read it, knowing it stayed with you... I'm sure it's a great read now. 🙂 Someone wrote some quote of Gandi. "The only tyrant I can accept in this world in the still voice within"... "Always aim at complete harmony of thoughts and word and deed, always aim at purifying your thoughts and everything will be well. Happiness is when you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony. In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal cleanness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after truth." Not sure if those are perfectly quoted or not; it was kinda hard to read the writing. It seems like a pretty easy read. 🙂 Ahh I will definitely let you all know how the Ginko Biloba goes. I remember taking it back in high school. It worked a little back then. I'd like for it to work. Maybe I should take it in the morning and not at night, until I see how it goes. Then I may switch to night time because that's when I want to remember things. 🙂 I'd like to know what my dreams are .. more clear, ya know? 🙂
  13. I tried to upload the smallest video. It's funny but not the funniest one. I hope you guys like it. I'm embarrassed to show myself here, but if it makes anyone smile, I'm happy for that. 🙂 Snapchat-1771069762.mp4
  14. And thank you to all who read my blog and have commented. I see you guy's comments and try to respond as I can. You guys are wonderful. 🙂 It makes me so happy to see a comment. Or just get a like on it. Even when I don't I still know you guys are there. I hope everyone is doing okay. I wish I could send a video to show you guys... it's of me doing a silly voice on snapchat. I'd just tell you to watch it when you are sad... it would guarantee a smile 🙂
  15. I slept all day yesterday! Missed everything. Even missed getting a package, so we had to go to the ups store and get it. I got a book. I was collecting books by this author this month. I feel like the Universe is making up for lost time with me. I turned on my xbox to watch youtube. Watching vids by Edge of Wonder. They were talking about Prophecy and Messiah. Then the next video that came on was about Enlightenment. I was like... wow! They even mentioned Siddhartha... a book I actually got several months ago... er, last year sometime rather, and it's about Buddha, I believe. I got out the book again because I've not read it, but I was looking for another book that was like The Alchemist. So that might be my next story to read. I like to read a STORY book and read another book similar to it at the same time... so the new book I got today would be perfect because it talks about choosing a path in life and what to expect on a more magical path. Enlightening path. Ya know? I had some pretty weird dreams last night and yesterday. None I can remember enough to put into words though. I hate when it's like that, because I have great dreams to talk about, just my memory isn't good enough on the details. I got some Ginko Biloba. Maybe I should take it for a while and see if that don't improve. 🙂
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