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About meeegs77

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    music, art, vegan.

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  1. meeegs77

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    i see you. breathe smile even if you make yourself think of what was the most fun thing you got to do growing up, you couldnt do that if you didnt live in the woods, please, if you need to talk and no ones listening, or answering, pm me ever feel like someone is blaming you for complicating their life with your mental illness? i bought bathtub crayons thru amazon, and because that's so immature, or whatever her reasoning, my mom after supporting me through waiting for me to have an MRI picked up the box, shook it at me, shook her head 'really, meg?' this was the last and "strongest piece of the series" and being chastised by my mother, for holding myself up to the light, by knowing what I know about my early years of life, and who was the ringleader, she acted jealous of me, she does from time to time, but her tone of voice was so condescending about the crayons, its like a giant sketchbook, for planning, and also i write in cursive, ideas or phrases, sometimes conclusions. some reason i never did play with toys as a child i dont remember having a favorite toy, but a favorite blanket. the people who discourage you from dancing in the rain, as a figure of speech, and literally .. please, , be positive, uplifting, do NOT forget to play. i don wanna play, i wanna color! be gentle, forgot your carapace at home? be gentle, if theres one person listening and five appointed to her, what I have experienced if any of these people were listening then why did no one intervene when i was being held on the ground by my neck? im just testing out my ex's paranoia, may have figured out his logic. are there enough people in the world doing nothing with their lives to have time to give quite a *uck about what someone else, let alone 5 people all focusing on somehow compiled data on one person, thats bad mechanics, and how do you get to be one of the 5-1s not 1s-5? but seriously what puts you where you go on that platform? im almost done, i have such tardive dyskenesia maybe my body language is abnormal, or the other way around. wishing you all a day of being well. m
  2. meeegs77

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    paranoid artful thirsty discontent some people should have a trigger warning with at least a 6 ft radius. people should not address me inquiring about a social media post that they read, sometimes the internet needs to be ventspace! but asking me about some emo post i did last week,...Dammit I'm NOT feeling better, but I'm faking it for the sake of the departments, to get their phone calls sorted out, and to help with the returns and whatever else they ask me to do. so any way, I'm emotionally unstable, but I'm riding the waves, and I bought two boxes of bathtub crayons, what else can an artist ask for a giant white mosaic its just crying to be colored in!!! I left work today without writing a recap-email to my supervisors and the rest of the team that works in the cs booth. i feel very guilty about having left without doing so, what can i do about that? nada! pray they don't can me. over &over heh. my realitycheck, in check, it could always be worse!! m
  3. meeegs77

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    I called off for my shift tomorrow morning, like 20 minutes ago. posture is wreeking its painful havoc on my body, i spent most of the daylight out walking in the city, ran 3/4 mile, walked about 7 more. sitting at my current screen is painful, laptops about to die & i need to lay down on some heat, pain pain pain...grrr fell asleep before posting. much needed extra day off from work...went well today did laundry made some food, talked to a friend..made a bunch of artwork today, feel better than i did yesterday. going back to work 8 am tomorrow, hoping for not much snow happening in between... listening to a co-worker, as a dj on our npr station, at work she's my supervisor...practically my mentor there if anyone else that i work with would be worthy of that, only this girl or my team leader. feeling physically painful, but glad to experience her radio show it feels good to not have to speak to anyone if i dont want to. i feel like my mom should have been more concerned when i told her i was experiencing depersonalization and dissociative episode sort of thing today, all she said was im sorrry who's outta touch?? wow!
  4. meeegs77

    How Do You Feel Right Now #10

    that is a part of how i feel right now. in addition to that, I have probably 5 more emotions and they are a wide array of feelings. feeling proud of myself for making it to the poetry night I went to later in the day. I had (past tense) a thing about freaking out when going through a door first...think it stems from fear of the unknown. no one else came with me, so I had to go first, haha, im overflowing with ideas, but bringing them to an end is difficult. so, thanks for asking by keeping this post open...i'm in pain physically. should be getting to sleep, don't wanna.
  5. hi octopod how are you feeling, so far february 2, its groundhog day, here in pennsylvania up north of my abode, in punxatawny a friend of mine from high school, and so, by friend i mean would hitch rides to school with me in the morning, we would share cigarettes and sometimes pass one around before school, ...this guy from high school and his band are playing the groundhog day celebration, like now! its not over til he comes out of his hole (cage) and he either see's his shadow, and in some way he predicts weather patterns for the next couple of months. BIZZARE!!! thought i'd share an anecdote to take our minds off things. i have high anxiety today, a lot of complete thought worries, some warranted, and could feasibly happen, but most likely will not worries i can not put in words but feel in my bones, they are discontinuing my SSD disability payments, very, very soon. read the determination letter today. this is a pivotal moment. lmk if you're awake. i thank you for your reply to my post in abuse. when I read your post again, it dawned on me to reply to you back. heh, sometimes my brain is mush. also im not often cose enough to the screen to type. i use my computer basically as a music box, and once in a while i bulldoze like a doozer on fraggel rock. goodnight octopod, here's hoping you are well & peacefully sleeping. meeegs
  6. meeegs77

    Breaking free from abuse

    Here is an example of the drawings that happen to come out of me on certain days feeling certain things...the words in the background are indecipherable to me at least, and i think it makes that mysterious. i need sleep. xo goodnight
  7. meeegs77

    Breaking free from abuse

    Paris, Thank you for that affirmation, to start my day today. I had a rough "inside my head " kind of night, where I was sucessful in purging a lot of feelings through drawing and writing words, thought fragments and exclamations. these will only be seen by one or two people, i keep my psycho me wrapped up most of the time. it felt good to get it out on paper, and now I will read over what I can make sense from the babble. not a lot of it will make sense to anyone, but I know what I was thinking, its a cathartic process. Octopod, thank you for your kind reply. you are right too fortunate to be able to relate, *sigh* that phrase resonates with me right now. thank you both for your replies. I have one goal, to move, FORWARD! LEAVE THIS CRAP IN THE DUST,and when it comes out as automatically as it did yesterday, it leaves me feeling quite empty, but in a very good way, i was overflowing for sure! have a great day on this January 4, 2019!!!
  8. Pain on paper.

    lumps decrease in size,

    bruises turn yellow then fade

    back to my pale, pink

    blood exists, 

    yet under the guise set forth unless it's set free there is no worry.

    there is worry.

    it overtakes the rationale, 

    it never completes the sentence, stuck...in a repetend, skipping record, or ritualistic washing.

    to cleanse is sometimes our only solution.

    I am a human being

    Not a disorder.

    IMG_20181125_100933 (1).jpg

  9. Head in your hands.
    But as you lift them away.
    You know, it's ok.
    Continue to smile.
    Sometimes it's more difficult than others.
    Be good to yourself.
    Let others be. 
    Always be yourself. Always.


  10. meeegs77

    Breaking free from abuse

    thank you both for your kindness in replying. I got all of my things, that my ex put out on the porch for me to get i started washing all of my clothing i just got back, and i did 4 loads of clothes last evening. my co-worker and friend came and took me to get my things, and put everything in his car, it only took 11 minutes. we brought everything back here, and i have been making some headway into sorting through the crap. some things he sent with me were just ridiculous, like every little flower dried up and fragile he ever picked for me, and stupid crap like that, also a bed sheet with dog vomit?! wtf, like you dont know how to use the laundry facilities?! good lord, at 47 years old and wont do his own laundry, boy needs a mama, not a life partner. oh just letting off some steam. i dont ever ever have to see his face or hear his voice again, if i can help it. i think the city is big enough i can live in anonymity and never cross his path again. i hope! here's to a new life! its already freakin' awesome! i am so loving my freedom. and my ability to do ....finally what i want to when i want, and not to be a jerk..but to be kind to people and they will hopefully be kind to me in return. well, im about to get a bath, because i have to leave for work in an hour. thank you both so much for your kind replies. i will be back later in the night. peace! m
  11. meeegs77

    Breaking free from abuse

    its hard to be in love with someone. its hard to leave that person after being with them for almost 4 years. he hurt me physically and lied about it. i hate myself sometimes for being in the situation. it wasnt my fault. i have to go back and get my things this week. i see my therapist, also the day before that. whats the whole point. its all very pointless. i call a hotline thats supposed to be there to talk the things through they get off the phone the first chance they get it didnt help me to tell one more person i was physically hurt by my ex partner, it hurts worse, now one more person knows. i dont want to tell anyone else. im tired of talking and no one listens. people dont give a crap. you cant make them care, and they bottom line do not care ... oh well.