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About meeegs77

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    music, art, vegan.

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  1. feeling well, getting ready to clean my bathtub, & the rest of the bathroom. walked around 4 miles in the rain today! got a handful of weathered glass dahn the crick. ate nutritional yeast & salt and earthbalance butter on my popcorn. forgot to buy olive oil, i'll pick it up tomorrow or friday. missed my first car payment, saturday, they said they have a 10-day grace period, slick! i'll be paid friday, that's that, but where does the rent come from if the paycheck is paying the car payment, and then theres enough to get food and gas to put in the car, so, uhhh. totally fu*ked. yay! ssd paid my rent, during that era, i've attracted a-holes who didn't have a clue about pulling weight. i dont welcome the next scumbag i encounter, male, female, or otherwise! still shaking in my head back n forth, while at rest, i dont think this will be addressed tomorrow at the neurosurgeons, but i have a goal, to find a friend to come with me, I've got less than 24 hours i ought to ask someone......nobody comes to mind....bah. this makes me think of a song by elliott smith, everybody cares, everybody understands. thanks for listening as i reread my post its just a place I've been so many times, but...ready to turn to a new adventure. slowly getting stuff done. m
  2. left hand/arm is numb right hand is tremoring. the base of my neck hurts like **** but theres a part on the left shoulder down my back that is going to have to do a nerve conduction test, cuz i have no feeling there. neuropathy one day just cuts off from everything but because it is in mid back, it helps none to attempt to find the cause for the lack of sensation. love being tested on. while i have no support from friends, most of them don't know but they don't know because they don't ask, and they don't ask, because they didn't think of it, too stuck on themselves, or they didn't ask, because they didn't want me to reverse the question to them. ... my appointment with the neurosurgeon is this coming tuesday, now it feels like i have direction and i feel like its this or i decide the earth is flat and go cower in a corner. having a family of your own is a nice pursuit, my hope for you sober, is you find the best mate suited to help in this process, i have an existential of dilemmas. where do i want my home to be for my art, what is 'my art?' it needs developed! it can be convoluted and multi-faceted, lovely and fun! my art is from me it is "what's the hell is that?" damn
  3. i hope you cross the bridge, or turn back, or just don't give in. i walked to a crisis center today, walked 3 more miles to my pharmacy, then took a bus back home..all the while my head shaking "no" pretty much uncontrollably. im relaxing with a mint ginger ale and watching the sunset over the part of the city out my window. can't post a photo, or i would show you. please stay. for many reasons. sending my to you right now, i don't need it for the rest of the day, but it carries much pain, it soaks in like a sponge or the way you don't want to eat soggy cereal, but just after you put the milk in always hurts the roof of your mouth, right? capn crunch always hurts. please stay m
  4. i used to call loved ones dum-dum. yea. now i say it to myself sometimes. its not a good habit. its 5 pm tuesday, march 19th 2019. I am in experiencing triggers that flash back past trauma at least 2 or three times a minute. my head is involuntarily shaking "no" .... anyone have this experience or know what to do for it? sort of like tardive dyskenesia meets parkinsons, but related to trauma, brings me to the thought of being a small child huddled under a desk in Nana & Pa's room, saying i wasn't coming out to go home with my parents, not doing well, if you have any free time to lend an ear, i would appreciate anyone who could just have a conversation over the phone, pm me for my # TIA. be true to you m
  5. good morning, i slept like a log! went to a party last night after work, for a co-worker's 21st birthday. she's actually a supervisor, but still a coworker. she is amazing at 21 to do the things she does with confidence and finesse. i am 37 and can't grasp doing the things she has done in her life to this point. no use in comparing, but she needs to know how amazing she is! and i'll be the one to tell her. yesterday a co-worker on my team was leaving and i was on my way to the clock. she stopped me gave me a hug and said how proud she is of me and what i have done, since october. its been an uphill battle, but I believe i am subdueing the dragon and i AM the storm. a lot to say today.one thing i like to do, is make sure people know i appreciate them, their demeanor and validate them as a person. i am awake, and i couldn't ask for much more, thank you to all of you. have a great day and if you're not right now, turn it around, all you have to do is change thoughts, a wrangling brain battle for me everyday, and i understand the struggle. m
  6. feeling a lot of different ways at once. confused, utterly not confused, just purely assanine...pretend to be dumb, i don't know if i am, or what i should categorize as it's really got nothing to do with my gender or the gender of the person, but there is someone i feel deserves my love in my life right now. i just realised it on the phone with my gal-friend from alaska, i have to tell this person, someday. until then i'll hold it in my heart. less screen time on workdays. a new rule! im getting close to too late. good night. m
  7. feeling optimistic today, no specific goals. the last 4 days off from the store have given me time and space, I'm not ready to go back and answer phones and deal with nasty entitled pr*cks that i usually encounter. I'm going to endure, because I know the world deserves better. my bath is drawn, ..but I thought I would say hello here, first! JD- the show was great, some of the other bands that played were, 'Lake, Lake', 'we, the creature', 'enhaler', i can't remember the names for the rest, all good and loud in their own right! i brought with me, ONE earplug. gah! sober4life, i have a hard time seeing your avatar with your smile, and to imagine all that you have been through and will go through in this life, don't ever let them take your smile away, you are a genuine being. be careful with your mania. i know, you know. stay well. my attention span today is worthless. bippity boppity boo. i want to conjure the energy to clean, AND go to work at 3 pm, as well. i can tell this summer is gonna be a hot one in the place that I live now. I have an east facing bedroom window it is certainly beaming in on me. i feel rested well, ,but desperately tired. like your brain stops in your tracks, but the brain runs a 5k while you are slow, despondent, or asleep. weird feeling for sure. my TD is getting worse, is there a place i can post a video documenting my tardive dyskenesia, on this site? someone thought, even after explaining i do no elect to make these facial movements, and nudges, they happen without my initiation, so then he was like, well, you got fidgety. um, no YOU JUST DONT GET IT! I AM SHUTTING THIS PERSON OUT. they are not assisting me in serving my purpose, i thought they would, but they are not. sad, but true. be well m
  8. the band that is playing last is the one that i know their material. they're called rebreather. soo good. i am going to be there a long time today as these guys arent planning on taking stage til midnight! its going to be a good day! as soon as i take a bath and make myself breakfast, i'll be hitting the road! it'll be a first. ive never set out on a road trip to see bands without anybody along, i have set out on a long journey in a car alone, as i drove myself back from deland, Fl to pittsburgh area in 2001. this trip is only an hour and a half, not a day and a half, lol. @JD4010 you would survive, though the ears will ring if you dont have earplugs. im looking forward to this as an endurance thing as well! im bringing some sketch books and drawing stuffs, because i wont really know anybody, and it makes me feel safe. i am going to leave soon because there are parks at least one park with an old mill, its the type of stuff my grandfather would teach us about. so going there first have a fantastic day. m
  9. ^hi there, you just signed up. are you doing ok?
  10. i'm on a staycation, two more days! anyone live in ohio & want to see some doommetal? doubt it. but if so, friday! stayed outside since before noon, got home a bit after 5pm. glad the city i live in is relatively good for foot travel. i do have a car, but everytime i turn the engine over, i think of the things i miss out on if i were on a walk when i have to worry about parking the dang thing, its a beast, for sure! i am getting sick of people assuming they a) know what im thinking, at any moment, no, you dont! b)because theyve had a consentually affirmative at some point, in any past, thats not like a bonus point to weasel you closer to earning you like a consent buffer....doesn't work that way! c)they take my actions personally angering me quietly even more!! d) and ill stop here; don't WANT me to apologize, tell me repeatedly to stop apologizing to him, and now he is sour about the idea that i showed up, but didn't seem like i wanted to interact. get.a.life! stop attempting to enforce your rules, they do not apply to me! sick ego fed delusional person. ive been through the ringer this past week. worrying, at all times,,, i hope you wake tomorrow with the wind at your back the sunshine at your doorstep, and you go forward without worry! we all deserve a life free of worry. m
  11. are you tapering off the benzos, very gradually? i hope so, these like alcohol can shock the system if theyre not provided on a regular basis. both withdrawl from benzos, and withdrawl from alcohol can actually be fatal. please take care! i'm worried about some people on here, just hoping everyone is at least "ok" today. today starts 4 days off from Whole Foods. wheeeeee!!! getting that laundry done, the kitchen's next. when i feel insignificant i look at the sky and feel even smaller than a single cell looking longingly at the moon. working n art all this week, going out side! i can feel the sun on my back, out my bedroom window, a city much like this is a buzz by this time of day. hey i hope you smile! have a good day! m
  12. my self worth is not directly proportional to the amount of messages i get on my phone, in a day, or red numbers on my fb page. What is, directly proportional to my self worth, is how much joy did i share. eeek! gtg to work, get in that bath and out the door. have a good day all m
  13. FEAR! i am also trying to let go of basically obsessing over each little thing i do at my job, and how i could have done better, or different, and how easily i could be canned for all the differnt things, bu**** tough. so once i clock out, my brain begins an inventory..and i attempt to slowly recall notable things about my day. sometimees, if...well actually, everytime, the last days worries, drop off when i enter the building again, not a second before. what can i do with this nervous energy?distract. i am working with a "Talkspace"therapist about needless worry. just assessing the idea that I choose to worry a lot of times, and its usually about wild fantastic things and how it could screw my life up. grasping so tight to my sanity. thank you all for being here, and for existing in general. have a great day! m
  14. daunting. waiting for a phone call back, from ssa, so, perhaps i can get the amount of $ they want back in the matter of a month, down or to not exist at all, they had all the work info way before it had to be sent in, so idk. hoping, i didnt just also acquire a debt bout half of what i owe on the car, or i'll be signing up to drive uber back and forth from the airport to the city. or work for amazon flex drive packages around town. i probably have one of the best paying and most accommodating cashier position in pittsburgh. it's just never enough. there are a couple ways i could make some supplemental income, in addition to the full time gig. idk, scared to invest in something big and have it fail? wrote the beginning of this post, this morning while i was getting ready for work. now im home, i guess i forgot to hit send, haha. painful now, but glad i won't be back in the store for over 24 hours!! have fun stuff like getting my knees xrayed, multitudes of bloodwork and they quietly (not always) wonder at how i had my tubes tied, but also have no children...the exray techs look at me and go, like int o a trance like deep stare, could you be pregnant? f*ck I may not get that done, perhaps i'll find another person to go to the International show at the Carnegie with. i have a set of tickets for free admission because I called and spoke with someone about my negative experience with one of their security brutes. maybe i'll go alone, and go twice if its just me both times,...perhaps. all I know is i plan to be out the door early. and hope the temp goes up past 35. sorry to ramble on like a led zepplin song. good evening to you one and all. m
  15. physically less painful than the other day, emotionally, like an open wound, not new, just not healed either. obsessive thoughts are sometimes my make or break, i have to break them the thoughts wherever they are, that havent come to the surface yet, i was triggered bad last night at work, what else can i do but get better, or worse, I want to get better, so im trying to expend my powerful energy through body work, interpretive dance, poetry and watercolors almost all at the same time for the entire listen of black sabbath's album Paranoid...its still on im taking a break to unload my brain from waves.. fun. challenging, fluid movement feels real good. it helps my pain the rest of the day, so its becoming a hobby. gonna put it on youtube someday. but not now. hope we all make it through the day with plenty more, of whatever we needed at the beginning of the day. m
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