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  1. I haven't posted in a long time but here goes... Over the last year my 13 year old daughter has made multiple suicide attempts and been admitted to 4 different psychiatric hospitals, diagnosed with various issues from mood disorder, bi-polar depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder. Her last attempt on her life was just a few weeks ago. She just left to go back into school looking exactly like she's trying to look these days- as a boy, which is confusing since she was pleading with me to buy her a pink dress right after she was released from the hospital. I'm not ok. Between her hot and cold attitude towards her family, mainly me, her 3-year-old brother going through major defiance problems and constant tantrums (and his NEVER SLEEPING), it's like a new circle of hell that has swallowed up every part of life. These are my babies, the best parts of me- so how can this be such a nightmare? This position is lonely, confusing, and I feel helpless. I cannot stress enough how horrible evenings are; how difficult it is to alternate every second between one child screaming like a banshee and trying to hurt himself by jumping off furniture, and rushing into her room to make sure she isn't cutting herself into pieces- or worse- because she was slightly off when she got home. Everyone- family, doctors, the internet, friends- all give conflicting info on how to deal with both my daughter and my toddler, to such a mind-boggling degree that I'm afraid to do anything. Of course doing nothing is wrong, too. Yes, my daughter is in therapy, and I know the original post was a plea for anyone to offer advice to help her so forgive me for being selfish to turn it to my problems. I don't know what to do any more. I question if someone else should be raising my children because I can't seem to do a good job no matter what I do. BUT I know I was a good mom once. She was happy, a truly happy little girl and I remember being proud of how naturally easy-going and loving our relationship was, how I knew what I was doing. I was the mom with the craft box on rainy Sundays and Mommy-Daughter dates to the movies on the reg. Now I have no energy left to give after struggling to keep both of them safe and my son does not get that effort I poured into my daughter's childhood, which breaks my heart. So how did I go from being the mom I wanted to be to now a mom that is questioning if my children wouldn't be better off raised by other, superior mothers? It's not because I quit them or didn't give literally everything. I'm angry because this shouldn't be this way. I've known mothers who put their kids last and KNOW I'm not one of them. I've read about burnout but how long can this go on where sanity isn't completely lost? I've had to bite my tongue not to tell my daughter that the next time she tries to to cut or **** herself, to just do the exact same to me because she's ******* me either way. (Dramatic, huh?) No, I wouldn't say this out-loud but God, do I think it... Thank you for taking the time to read this.
  2. Thank you, Atra. My main goal of this was to find ways to help my daughter but no, when it comes down to it I am not ok, though I hate to admit it. After struggling with depression and severe anxiety for years myself, I can go ahead and add guilt to that since I'm sure I've been a not just a poor example on how to handle stress, but also fear that it's been shared as a terrible hereditary bonus? (Her therapist couldn't condemn or condone this theory.) Some of my family are trying to be as supportive as they can but no one really knows what to do. Ultimately I do feel alone in trying to hold her up, but also like my legs could go out from under me at any moment. However, this just simply isn't an option -there's no way I can afford any kind of break for me right now. I'll admit it is scaring me that my hair is falling out -literally- but as mentioned, I'm starting to get back on my own medication to keep from going off the rails. Beyond working 2 jobs, raising an active toddler, taking my daughter to therapy sessions, marriage counseling, and all it takes to run a household, there's no time or energy left for individual counseling for myself so I just have to keep on keeping on. One thing I do wish I had is a support group in my area with other parents going through the same thing. No idea how I'd be able to fit that in but wow, would that be worth trying for. I'll be ok though so please disregard my whining here. It'll all work out because it has to. :)
  3. Thank you all- so, so much. It's been a whirlwind these last few weeks and I wish I could have logged on sooner. My daughter is continuing to work with her therapists who are taking this very seriously- thank goodness! She has her ups and downs but does seem to be talking a bit more to me (not about the abuse but any open dialogue is a gift from her right now). I had a home security system installed (against the wishes of my husband...) with hope that she would feel more comfortable/safe in her own home and though she says she does, she still sleeps with her mattress on the floor and her bedframe around it as a barricade. I'm not pushing for this to stop right now if that's what it takes to help her, but it is hard to see she feels she needs this. She has stopped putting a chair in front of her door when she goes to bed so that is something. She has not been cutting and has been spending time with friends- sweet kids that leave her smiling. This smile is everything right now. :) Her father and I are married and have been in counseling for several weeks now- something that should have started years ago. One problem between us is the understanding that we need to move out of that house immediately to help her, and honestly, myself, start over and feel safer. He has a "list" of things he wants done before putting the house on the market, however, that list was created right after we found out about the abuse and only a few things have been ticked off in 2 years. He clearly doesn't want to move. It breaks my heart to say this but my patience will give it only a few more months and then I'm going to make changes and from there, if he wishes to continue to live there or not, he can have it all. Maybe he'll understand why by then but he's in a different place with this whole situation, as the father of both the abused and the abuser. Our relationship has never been solid (after 15 years together), and he's never really tried to have a meaningful relationship with our daughter- never been close- but he is my friend and not a bad person. Unfortunately, I feel very, very alone in all of this. Our daughter has recently verbalized she does not feel close to her father and I have heard from family members that in the past she's mentioned she wishes we were divorced. As a child of a divorce, I KNOW it's not easy. I just don't know what step to take to make it better or worse: Staying and having resentment but offering her stability and the familiar (however the "familiar" is a home she loathes), or leaving and possibly unsettling her more but giving us all space from things that could be a threat or at the very least, stand in the way of making real changes the could be positive. She has not once stopped asking to move out of there so it's clear how she feels about moving to another home. This is like a living nightmare that won't end. I know I have to be strong for her and due to all of this I'm getting on anti-depressants myself, so I can try harder and not be consumed with the despair of the situation. I wish I had the right answers to make the best decision for her future and her health. It would be nice to not have to feel like the only one fighting for this. Hopefully we can get further along with the help of counseling but after 15 years I hate to say that I know him pretty well and whatever changes he's made to make within out marriage will be temporary, and if he doesn't want to move and has to, will breed resentment. I am a patient person but at this point it feels like he's either with me or in the way when it comes to what needs to be done. It would just be great if he would be what SHE needs right now, and maybe even mine, too.
  4. This is the first time I've ever posted anything like this but I am at a loss and desperate for guidance so thank you in advance for reading. My 12-year-old daughter, my heart, told us about 2 weeks after our second child was born, that she had been sexually abused by her half-brother. Apparently this happened when she was 7, he was 13, and went on for God knows how long. This was brought to light 2 years ago and he was removed from the home immediately. To sum up the last 2 years since this came out, it has been a dark and struggling time for all, to say the least. She has refused to talk to her therapist about what took place and with the police so charges against him were dropped. She went from the sunny, sweet girl we knew to someone who has withdrawn/depressed, has severe anxiety, and extremely moody/negative. Just 2 days ago I received a call from her school that several students reported she had been making comments about suicide, she had been cutting herself, and that she told them -whoever the kids were who reported it- that her half-brother had raped her in the past. (We never knew how far things went so imagine finding out the worst of the worst among everything else.) The school counselors, including a Crisis Counselor, did an excellent job working with her to get her to actually talk a little bit about what was going on (something her therapist has in my opinion not been aggressive enough about in the time since the info was disclosed), and we were sent to a local hospital for her to have an assessment. The doctors there were on the fence between admitting her and putting her in group therapy, ultimately recommending the latter, which starts next week. As a parent and someone who loves her more than she can even comprehend, heartbroken and terrified can't even begin to describe how I feel right now. I had been completely unaware of the evil of what was happening in my own home during the time of her abuse and I have failed her so utterly, there are no words. I don't know what to do and keep begging people to just tell me how to fix this, make her better, but it's going in circles- especially since she won't talk about the abuse and keeps avoiding the seriousness of the situation. This world CAN'T lose this amazing person- she's a gift, and has the potential inside her to grow and do great things with her life. This is nightmare that I will do absolutely anything in my power to help her fix. I just can't seem to get through to her. My husband's son, the one who hurt her, is now 18 and has been kicked out of school, his mother's house, and arrested earlier this year for kidnapping and terrorizing someone (a male). We had told our daughter he had done some bad things and had been sent to jail but not the details as to not scare her. Well, a friend of hers recently told her what he did to land himself in jail and that actually adds up with the timeline of when she started triple-checking all the locks and missing school assignments. I think she's afraid he'll come after her and I can't say it's not a fear of mine, too. My husband thinks we're being over-the-top to be scared of this possibility but I'm having a home security system installed tomorrow since he's now out of jail and no one seems to know where he's even living right now. My husband won't even consider moving out of town even though I've now been out with my 2 kids and have actually run into him at different stores- one of them just 5 miles from our home. To paint a picture, we've left carts in the middle of the aisles and dodged to the car. Both times I don't think my daughter saw him but she's not a stupid person and though I tried to keep a calm exterior, I think she put it together. Her depression, the threat of suicide, the fear of the person who hurt her and who has violent tendencies that could be pretty much anywhere, the cutting... She's been in individual therapy, starting group therapy, all razors and medicine have been locked them up, I'm constantly checking on her and trying to talk to her- at the least to reassure her I'm here for her- these are things that have been/are being done. What else can I do?! I CANNOT fail her again and have to find a way to get her the help that she needs to bring sunshine back into her life. She deserves it and so much more. If anyone has advice for what I can do for my daughter, please, PLEASE speak up. Thank you for your time.
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