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Atra

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  1. Like
    Atra got a reaction from In2deep4me in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I got my first Covid vaccine injection. My arm was sore shortly after and now, a day later, it hurts a lot less. Got a boost to my mood from the notion that there's an actual date on the 📅 when I could feel relief from the anxiety and stress of catching or transmitting the virus. 
    In aware that there's a ways to go yet before we know about how effective each vaccine is and there's novel mutations to worry about, but I'm gonna enjoy this I-feel-invincible mood at least for a day or two. 
  2. Like
    Atra reacted to Noalternative28 in Can somebody help me let go and move on?   
    I am very concerned because I’m feeling like my life has no direction and I’m not on a path to go very far.
    I’m not sure how much of this may be affecting me today but I would love to hear your opinion... 
    When I was 11 years old I experienced my first crush on a girl in my class. 6th grade we dated for a summer, broke up. Fast forward, I was “in love” with this girl all through 7th grade and then come 8th grade I asked her out and we started dating again. We had the same circle of friends and life was just peachy. Fast forward again, we dated for 6.5 years until we were 20 years old, both sophomores in college. 
    We were on a downhill slide during sophomore year at college, sex wasn’t fun and the love between us wasn’t the same. So after many nights together, talks, arguments and tears, we finally sat in the car together and I broke up with her. She didn’t want to at the time and part of me didn’t either. But I listened to my gut and went down the solo road. Breaking up with her (in person) was one of those worst things I’ve ever experienced. I cried a lot and experienced a sadness like I never had before. I went back to college for the spring semester and partied my ass off like there was no tomorrow. I came home for summer and continued my “solo high” if you will, but it was starting to dwindle and grow old. By the end of summer and around my 21st birthday I was heading downhill. I began having intense thoughts of suicide, depression and my overall happiness felt like it was being siphoned directly from my soul. I turned harder to the booze and party life. I kept trying to find that “high” that I felt during my first spring semester as a single guy. But to be honest it never came back. I just kept feeling slightly worse.
    Fast forward to now, I’m 26 years old and still think about this stuff. I am grateful for the experiences I’ve had the last 6 years of my life living single. I’ve studied abroad, graduated college, made friends and have met a lot of people. However I still fight with depression and anxiety regularly and to be honest, I have suicidal thoughts cross through my mind I’d say on average several times a month. I always try to kick them but they’re quite stubborn. 
    Throughout my childhood my family moved homes quite a few times. Between the age of 5 - 17 I moved about 9-10 times within the same town/school district. (Counting rental homes) In a way it’s kind of cool because I have many different experiences with homes and living situations but at the same time it makes me very angry and upset. Fortunately I always lived in a clean home with both my mom and dad 
    My last home, lets call it “NS” (the one before my parents current home now) Well when I first met my high school girlfriend in 5th grade at 11 years old, that was the same time I moved into home "NS". I lived in that home until I was 17 and then we moved again. Depression and anxiety took my attendance that day.For a solid year maybe a little more I resented my parents and I was mad at the world. Part of me still is today but I try to be grateful for everything/everyone in my life.
    I usually have the same suicidal thought… drive to home NS in my car (it’s only 15 minutes away from me) sit in the field next to it (it’s a home in the country) and shoot myself. I do not want to hurt anyone else. I know it sounds awful but this thought has replayed in my mind for years. I want to just erase the thoughts but it's weirdly so addictive. Here I am now at 26 years old and I feel like I’m constantly looking for ways to “fix the past”. However all it is doing is wasting my time. I'm aware of it but I feel like I can't completely shake it. 
    I really would love some help because I do not want to be in this mindset anymore. I have had plenty of experiences with girls over the last 6 years however I have never committed to anyone and I’ve never actually dated another girl. I’ve only had one-night stands and a couple of flings. I want to open up this part of my life because I can feel myself becoming regretful in regards to women, dating and intimacy however I do not want to go through the hell of a relationship break up like that again. To be honest I’m terrified of it. My home NS was my "anchor" in my life if you will and when I lost it I didn't know how to handle it and became even more co-dependant on my girlfriend at the time. Every time I fail at something in life, especially with women, I blame the past and say "if my family stayed at my other home I would be a stronger man today, more confident, better with girls, and things would be better". Its a very pessimistic/blaming mindset I know. But I don't know how to get rid of it. I do it so much and I'm tired of it because I know nobody wants to hear it. 
    I recently talked with a girl this past fall, her name was Carly. I really liked her, she was 22 years old and reminded me a little of my X. I day dreamed about her (probably too much) and thought this was my opportunity to rekindle some of my past and try to do things different. Well it did not work out with her, at least it's not looking like it now. Things just started to fizzle as she moved a couple of hours away. Once this set in I started having panic attacks like I've never experienced. This has been happening over the past 10 weeks; I've been waking up in the middle of the night with my heart beat well over 100bpm and my anxiety through the roof. Again the suicidal thoughts at home NS have been coming and going as well. The last 10 weeks I have been on and off with lying in bed until noon / 1pm and moping around all day. Other days I try to be productive (gym, job search etc) but I’m making little to no progress.
    After my depression/anxiety sank in from Carly, I started feeling like I’ve just been living in a dream, fantasizing about my past for the last 6 years. So I reached out to my X from highschool (we have tried to link up a few times randomly over the last couple of years, but we never did because of cold feet.) I met with her and it was a mental trip straight back to when I was a kid, let's say 17. I think my goal here was to see how she's doing and hopefully get myself out of my own head and see reality. I still love her and have a special place in my heart for her but I do not wish to be with her again. She lives out of state now and is on her own working a full time job.
    I want to move past all of this because I'm sick of my anxiety/depression taking over me. This whole Carly experience is killingme because I'm blaming myself and thinking had my mindset been better and less negative/focused on the past.. maybe things would be turning out more positively between her and I. I feel so lost and stuck in my past that it's slowly destroying me. 
    Honestly I’m starting to feel hopeless in this life. I want to kickstart myself but I just don’t know how. Perhaps pursuing a career and making a decision on my own could be my best move? I don’t want to keep neglecting relationships and living in the past in my life seeing as I’m 26 and I’ve had this same mindset for years. I’m not good at asking for help or opening up about these deep feelings because they carry so much weight in my mind. I just want somebody to help me understand if this is normal to be feeling. In 4 years when I turn 30, I do not want to be struggling with this same mindset still. I don’t know what to do to change my direction. 
    I am at the point now where I want to say forget all of this, move on and get my life started with a better mindset. If you've read this far, I truly appreciate your time. I'd love to hear some of your opinions about this. It seems like these feelings get triggered every time I try to commit to anything and try to connect with a women especially. 
    I'm just feeling stuck and anxious. I could really use some advice. 
    Thanks again for reading!
    Bradly 
  3. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in Panic attacks   
    I know from experience our mind figures out what it has to do to drive us to addictive behavior.  It might be causing an adrenaline rush on purpose to make you smoke a cigarette.
  4. Like
    Atra reacted to CamiMoo in Panic attacks   
    Panic attacks are hard to deal with. If only we can make it stop in just a snap. Have you tried music therapy though?
  5. Like
    Atra reacted to nojoy in Panic attacks   
    I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD 3 years ago.  Some situations can cause anxiety & its never really bad, usually I become tense almost rigid, avoid eye contact . some situations that I know will cause anxiety I will avoid like driving on the interstate or any road where there is lots of traffic.  But in the past 2 weeks, I will be watching tv and playing a game on the laptop or crocheting and suddenly I feel like I can't breathe, my heart feels like it is racing. I compared it to a hummingbird's wings beating when the bird is at a feeder. I saw the therapist today and we discussed it. I still don't understand why this is happening when there's nothing happening to cause me anxiety. She explained it as the 'brain' says hey she not focusing on what negative thoughts I keep feeding her so I'm gonna let her know I'm still here'.  
    My brother suffered with panic attacks back in the 80s.  I've seen him sweating, rapidly breathing and shaking so bad that it appeared that his whole body was spasming. He did get better but he would still have problems gagging when he was having panic attacks. But I have never heard of anyone having the symptoms I have especially when there is no trigger.  It only happens for 2 or 3 minutes (which therapist says is unusual as most experience it for 10 or more minutes). If I'm crocheting when it happens, I crochet faster & often have to undo what I crochet afterwards.  If I'm playing on the laptop, I set it aside and get a cup of tea and a cigarette. If the panic attacks get worse or last longer, I will tell the doctor. 
    Its just frustrating that this is happening and I don't have a cause for it so I can stop it from happening. Has anyone ever experienced the symptoms I like have?
  6. Like
    Atra reacted to CamiMoo in social anxiety   
    Walking in crowds can sometimes affect how I walk. It's like I'm going to faint or fall or something.
  7. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I'm spring cleaning from top to bottom slowly trying to give my injuries a chance to heal,  making phone calls, washing clothes and trying to get life back on track.
  8. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I cleaned up all the family grave stones today including mom's stone.  That part went well.  To anyone that believes in supernatural stuff that was one for the record books I think or the madness books.  Does it really matter?  Anyway that went well so well I walked into a trap that god set trying to give me a "golden ticket" back to my old life.  It makes me laugh.  Really that's all you've got?  You have no idea how tough I am do you?  I'm walking to the lake and back and enjoying the animals and the amazing landscapes along my walk and I'm enjoying my second chance at life and you're not taking it from me.
  9. Like
    Atra reacted to Nightjar in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    Mini lion play time
    Tidied up living room and washed a few dishes
    Made lunch
    Watching a film 🎥 at the moment 
    Going to have a quick wash and head to the shop...
    Cook a new recipe for dinner....
    ....Change birds water in the garden
    And maybe, just maybe, hoover upstairs before 
    Chilling out tonight 😎👍🎥
  10. Like
    Atra reacted to Nightjar in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    Y'know what, I don't really watch netflix 😂 I just use the expression netflix n chill coz I like it and it makes me feel like I'm down with the cool kids 😎
    I watch a lot of gritty documentaries on youtube but I also like watching crappy films about evil stepmothers that they show on UK channel 5 in the afternoon. They aren't too challenging so they're good for when you have brain fry 
  11. Like
    Atra reacted to Nightjar in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    Watched a film and blubbed a bit 😭
    Did a little bit of cleaning in the kitchen 
    Had a nice little walk
    Played with mini L
    Now, watching TV before bed. 
  12. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I tore apart a rotten deck and threw it on the burn pile.  The tree and the deck who knows how much it would have cost me to pay someone to do those things.  It only cost me 4 dollars for the pry bar.
  13. Like
    Atra reacted to Nightjar in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I'm planning on doing as little as I possibly can today. Nothing, nada, niente, zilch 👍
  14. Like
    Atra reacted to JD4010 in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I got out of bed and made my way to work. That was an enormous accomplishment today. All three cats were sleeping against me when I awoke so the very last thing I wanted to do was disturb them. But wage slavery was calling. After all, I need to make money to feed them. Haha.
  15. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I finally put the forms in the mailbox.  
  16. Like
    Atra reacted to law055car in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    I took the dog to the dog groomers for haircut today and pull Nails out of a bunch of boards we are remodeling our house and are recycling everything
  17. Like
    Atra reacted to Nightjar in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    Stripped the bed first thing after pukey lion action. Put bed sheets in to wash 😩
    Emailed back and fore with lawyer a few times and got something sorted. 💯
    Drove to vets for lion food 🦁🦁🦁
    Watched a film in the afternoon 👍
    Visited with last remaining family member 👨‍👩‍👦
    Locked up, washed up and came to bed. Very, very tired 😴😴😴🛌🛌🛌🦁
  18. Like
    Atra reacted to watalife in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    Washed 80% dishes
    Cat time
    Lunch sandwich
    Went to the store for weekly specials
    Tried 3d Doritos and they are awful!
    Work
  19. Like
    Atra reacted to Nightjar in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    Mini lion play time
    Walked down to the supermarket and back
    Got busy with my house sale forms and got em all done 
    Made some dinner 
    Washed a few dishes 
    Now, jus chillin n watching a bit of telly. 
  20. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in What Did You Do Today? #3   
    That's what I have to do today fill out forms.  What's the chances of me being able to fill out 8 forms and then be able to convince myself all 8 forms are done perfectly?  Almost zero.  I would rather do anything else anything!
  21. Like
    Atra reacted to sober4life in social anxiety   
    That's how my bipolar disorder makes me feel.  It's a very destructive thing for me.  When I'm depressed everyone hates me.  When I'm manic everyone is attracted to me and flirting and thinks I'm the most interesting person they met that day.  Nothing good can come from this at all.  Of course it's all in my mind but in the moment you absolutely believe things are exactly the way you think they are.
  22. Sad
    Atra got a reaction from Nightjar in How do You Feel Right Now? #12   
    I've been feeling irritable lately. I manage it well right up until something goes wrong, no matter how insignificant. 
    Today a bag of sliced bread paid a price for falling off my counter top, I swiftly kicked it clear across the room. My outburst surprised me. I was vaguely aware of my simmering irritation just not how much I'd been suppressing it.
    So now I'm a bread-kicker 🍞💥🦵which is not an identity, it's a club. I'm recently initiated but for all I know you all been kicking bread around your house for years. If you have, you can confide in me.
    Bread reminded me that I can't control gravity which in turn reminded me of all the other things I have no control over and that thinking irritates me. 
    Or maybe I can blame my annoyance on daylight savings time? 🤔
  23. Like
    Atra got a reaction from idkusername465 in social anxiety   
    I remember walking past a small group of women, I briefly stole a glance at them. They seemed to glance at me and then started laughing with each other. I was convinced they were laughing at me. I felt shame, ugly, loser.
    I remember walking past a woman and forcing myself to catch her gaze. Then I offered a small, gentle smile. She glanced at me, quickly looked away and then she fixed her hair as we passed. I felt handsome, confident, manly. 
     
    Is there a difference between these two stories? No and yes. In both, people are reacting to their own thoughts. Believing that I'm the object of their thoughts is what's identical in each. In reality I'm not the object of people's thoughts hardly ever. Most of the time, people are thinking about themselves, how something affects them.
    But I have an anxiety disorder, and it demands a chew toy (else, why would I feel nervous?). My anxiety disorder believes I must control everything around me--or else! So everything people around me do has to be all about me. My flavor of anxiety can sometimes seem nearly indistinguishable from narcissism: I'm either a piece of crap or king of world. And the doubt concerning which I am is literally driving me mad.
     
    It's a melodrama in my mind. 
  24. Like
    Atra got a reaction from watalife in social anxiety   
    I remember walking past a small group of women, I briefly stole a glance at them. They seemed to glance at me and then started laughing with each other. I was convinced they were laughing at me. I felt shame, ugly, loser.
    I remember walking past a woman and forcing myself to catch her gaze. Then I offered a small, gentle smile. She glanced at me, quickly looked away and then she fixed her hair as we passed. I felt handsome, confident, manly. 
     
    Is there a difference between these two stories? No and yes. In both, people are reacting to their own thoughts. Believing that I'm the object of their thoughts is what's identical in each. In reality I'm not the object of people's thoughts hardly ever. Most of the time, people are thinking about themselves, how something affects them.
    But I have an anxiety disorder, and it demands a chew toy (else, why would I feel nervous?). My anxiety disorder believes I must control everything around me--or else! So everything people around me do has to be all about me. My flavor of anxiety can sometimes seem nearly indistinguishable from narcissism: I'm either a piece of crap or king of world. And the doubt concerning which I am is literally driving me mad.
     
    It's a melodrama in my mind. 
  25. Like
    Atra got a reaction from sober4life in social anxiety   
    I remember walking past a small group of women, I briefly stole a glance at them. They seemed to glance at me and then started laughing with each other. I was convinced they were laughing at me. I felt shame, ugly, loser.
    I remember walking past a woman and forcing myself to catch her gaze. Then I offered a small, gentle smile. She glanced at me, quickly looked away and then she fixed her hair as we passed. I felt handsome, confident, manly. 
     
    Is there a difference between these two stories? No and yes. In both, people are reacting to their own thoughts. Believing that I'm the object of their thoughts is what's identical in each. In reality I'm not the object of people's thoughts hardly ever. Most of the time, people are thinking about themselves, how something affects them.
    But I have an anxiety disorder, and it demands a chew toy (else, why would I feel nervous?). My anxiety disorder believes I must control everything around me--or else! So everything people around me do has to be all about me. My flavor of anxiety can sometimes seem nearly indistinguishable from narcissism: I'm either a piece of crap or king of world. And the doubt concerning which I am is literally driving me mad.
     
    It's a melodrama in my mind. 
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