Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in Bottoming Out
I hope your body fights off that sick. As for fighting off the nostalgia music, I got me a pair of good earbuds mostly to feel in control over what music is going to affect my mood. I've also been sunk by songs which lead to thoughts which trigger emotions - you know the script.
Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in Here Comes the Night
@Bulgakov Your retelling reminds me of how confused I felt right after I was dumped from a 12 year relationship. I had to rediscover the "me" after so many years of being a "we", I didn't even remember there was stuff I liked that she didn't. Reading your story and @JD4010's tells me the struggle to find the resilience to rebuild oneself is a drama endured by just about anyone who has lived and doesn't really ever end while we're still breathing.
Atra reacted to Bulgakov in Here Comes the Night
I used to give myself hell for years, same as you. For nine years I beat myself up, same as you, same thinking. Just from on here JD, you're a decent person. So am I, I finally figured out. Some gals take beatings and verbal abuse for years and go back to the same ****ards. We all agree, that part of that is the gal's problem. I finally gave myself a little room. I did some good supportive things for my ex, sometimes not. I bet you were supportive lots of times. I bet you didn't beat her, call her obscene names. My ex had her own issues, needed to get free from me and make her own identity. I couldn't change that. Early on she put me on a pedestal, though I always encouraged her to make her own way, supported her furthering her career--she's a nurse practitioner now. As it turns out, she wanted things her way, and I was conflicted about that forever, thinking I just had to keep giving and things would clear up. Even though the one-sided stuff made me bitter. As said, she eventually had to slam me in a sense to get away, even did some things that were uncharacteristically mean spirited, which was not her style at all. There were things I just didn't recognize, or MAYBE, I could have made things work. But frankly, I don't think so. It would have been better if I'd began to step aside earlier, before it became important for her to do this, or that, or this and that, better, bigger than me. I'd been such a big deal in her life, I kind of cheated her out of developing her own, so she just went about it anyway, in smaller crippling ways--more crippling for me.
I doubt if you're story is like mine. But from what I've read from you, I think you'd be constitutionally unable to not be supportive of a partner. We're all selfish sometimes. My ex had to decide that my ideas, my movies, my books, my music weren't the best things since sliced bread. Again, I always discouraged that thinking in her, it was just an easy, less responsible way for her to proceed. I'm not putting down your gal, but people are there own selves. My ex put herself in such an intractable position where she pretty much had to discredit me altogether before she could identify herself. And yea, I used to assign blame to myself, but turns out most of that was hers and it wasn't even blame, just responsibility. It had to do with her life, her childhood, her back-of-the-bus seat assignment that she'd accepted. Like I said took me the better part of ten years absence from her to kind of figure all that out.
Like I say, my story is probably not your story. My ex did all right when we divorced. Typically, I handed over the house cause I'd been so bad, etc. But in fact, I bankrolled the house, made it happen in the first place. Recently, I emailed her and told her she should give me some money to cover the portion of the house I never received squat for. No screaming, no bad feelings, just an appreciation of things I did do over the years, and the fairness and honesty to stand up for myself without ill will. And she sent some money, ha. I deserved it.
Maybe even though our stories are doubtless different, you might come to realize that people are responsible with how they move through a relationship, and their movements are often driven by their own backgrounds, weaknesses, even strengths, and it's not just a matter of reacting to "a bad job" you might have done. People are steering their own vehicles through life, and not just reacting to bad routes or ruts you might or might not have laid in front of them.
I've heard you talk about this. I hope you can find some ways to look at your ex's own choices without putting yourself forever in the hot seat. I'm not thinking you have a "wrong" look at what has happened, but that from loneliness and blame, you're just not able to take a fair, reasonable look at the sometimes limited role in what always ends up being a much bigger life, than you're totally responsible for. Chicks anyway, ha. Take Care.
I always love the intro and refrain from the song, the "DA-Dwang-Dwang DWANG . . . DWANG" OH, HERE IT COMES" but never was such a fan of the tinkley bit of what sounds like pop rock that kind of tiptoes quickly in after that. Sounds like two different songs.
Atra reacted to Floor2017 in Here Comes the Night
Hang in there my friend and hopefully it
will soon begin to get a little better
coping with the loss of your girlfriend.
I know there are no words to stop your
pain but hopefully with a little more time
it will become a lot easier to deal with
her not being in your life.
Atra reacted to JD4010 in OK, time to get going
Walking. Simple walking. I used to walk at a good clip for hours on end. I'd find any excuse to walk.
After the divorce and then a breakup with a GF, I lost interest in everything, including my walking. Well, I still had interest in drinking, but hangovers made walking even less likely.
I went for a long walk last night in the heat and humidity. Broke out in a huge sweat. I decided to embrace that. I hope I can get out later today again...it's even hotter!
I hate heat so forcing myself out in this weather is a victory of sorts.
Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in Second Ketamine Infusion – 6/12/2017, 50mg Part 2
Link to the song. 'Where Is My Mind' on YouTube User Maxence Cyrin's channel
So, lesson learned. Smaller blog entries are ok not huge Atra-sized dissertations. No idea why I was allowed the first two mega-entries, it took a while for me to realize, hence the delay in updates. I'd like to get this finished as it's *only* been a year since I promised myself I'd share it.
Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in First Ketamine infusion – 6/11/2017, 50mg
@JD4010 I had to give up Cannabis in order to participate in the Ketamine program - they screened me for any number of drugs. Another irony maybe, giving that up so I can have Ketamine pumped into my vein? I spoke with the program director about it - and I mean spoke, not flipped a table and jabbed a finger in his face while demanding he make sense of it. They want to know what is working and if not working, why. That means limiting the variables and I get it.
@Bulgakov I'll re-watch Mulholland Drive, it's been so long I only have a vague memory of the film. Schroedinger's cat/box is as good of an analogy as the one I hazarded, although I don't know that either analogy adequately describes the experience of seeming to observe past, present and future as one. Can't even use language properly because the word "moment" describes a period of time but time was meaningless. Makes me remember Jodi Foster's line in the movie Contact, "They should have sent a poet!"
Atra reacted to Bulgakov in First Ketamine infusion – 6/11/2017, 50mg
Thanks for your description Atra, and for your comments JD. With JD, I say it's not bad to get high if it doesn't interfere.
Lots of great relations in your ketamine story. Lots of history for me, both academic and experiential. Especially struck by the analogy of the metronome. Maybe you know, it's almost a text book definition of looking into Schroedinger's cat box, which I've been looking over lately in relation to the end of David Lynch's movie, "Mulholland Drive". The narrative is very analytical. To be expected, as are mine when I set out to describe such trips. You can't relate what can't be said, always the situation. As JD says, point is in this case, if it gives you any relief, entertaining or enlightening me is less important. So, I look forward to any positive effects in the future.
Atra reacted to Bulgakov in How'd I get here?
Hi Atra, thanks for clarifying. You're a good writer again, ha. And I like that you included Rebeccas's quote--and cited her. I've run into lots of conspiratorialists who believe the repeated anecdote is indeed evidence. I'll look over your longer reply now.
Atra reacted to JD4010 in The Night before First Ketamine Infusion
Apropos of nothing, I vividly remember seeing ketamine in action around 35 years ago. My ex insisted on declawing one of our cats and the vet used ketamine during the procedure. That cat's eyes were open and her pupils were fully dilated. Yet she was "out", or at least "not there." It was creepy because she was such an active kitty, full of life...and here she was lying on the table, staring at nothing as if dead. Gah!
Since then I've learned that declawing cats is akin to chopping off a person's fingers at the first joint. I'm willing to put up with some torn furniture in order to spare the poor kitty a lot of trauma.
Atra reacted to JD4010 in First Ketamine infusion – 6/11/2017, 50mg
Hahahaha. That's great! I'd like to think that I've pushed the boundaries of my mind so that I can "handle" pretty much anything that comes along.
I'd like to slowly wean myself off of the two Big Pharma meds I'm currently on and rely solely on the herb. It is by far the most effective in keeping me on an even keel. And yeah, so I'm high--that's a bonus! 😁
On edit: One big advantage of being single again is that I can do more experimentation. My ex was dead set against any consciousness altering substances...never even tried cannabis.
Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in The Night before First Ketamine Infusion
@Bulgakov Thank you for the compliment and encouragement - I really appreciate both and I'll be continuing the story. Also thanks for your thoughtful commentary about use of hallucinogens culturally, spiritually, medically and personally. I also see some convergence there, most visibly in the work of the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS.org) and in the recent large-scale clinical trials of psilocybin and MDMA for treatment of mental illness. I've also spoken with a Clinical Psychologist who specializes in the integration of psychedelic experiences with conventional therapy. Your insights about ritual preparations and guides providing context for the experience seem to really agree with what's going on in the field.
You pointed out some important distinctions and similarities between the clinical and spiritual methods. In the clinical setting, there is sometimes a psychotherapist present who wears the robe of the shaman/guide but in Ketamine therapy it is uncommon for a few reasons. Unlike drugs in the psychedelic category, Ketamine is an anesthetic and it's difficult to talk when one's tongue feels heavy and numb. Also, therapeutic doses of Ketamine leave the system so much faster - 40 minutes to 1 hr - than what is typical for LSD, mushrooms, MDMA or DMT doses, so the dissociative episodes are brief. And finally, Ketamine therapy is already expensive enough without the billable hours of another professional.
In the posts to come, I'll be explaining how a personalized music playlist can take on the mantle of guide during a dissociative episode and how it provides context to the trip.
Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in First Ketamine infusion – 6/11/2017, 50mg
@JD4010 thank you for the comment. Altered states of reality or consciousness fascinate me. There's controversy and concern about the treatments that psychiatric patients are getting high. My response is, if that's a side-effect of the drug then finally it's one I can live with. I remind the doctors that we patients are asked to tolerate alot worse during the process of finding a medication that's effective in treating symptoms of major depression.
You mentioned experimentation. Ironically, my past experience with psychedelics was, for the first time ever, viewed in a favorable light. As I was told by one doctor before my first Ketamine treatment, my lack of "psychedelic naivete" should make me better able to tolerate the dissociative effects. That still amuses me.