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Atra

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  1. Like
    Atra reacted to mmoose in Barren   
    The Lindsay!?  nice!
    About a decade or so ago when the blogs were newish, we used them well.  General forum is too random for me.  It turns into other people's stories and wanders quickly.  Blogs can be about me...and then I go to my friends' blogs and comment about them. It was really effective for a small group of 10 or so we got going. And then, most of them got better and moved on. (As is the case.  That's called a success story around here)
    But yes, that could be "cliquish"  But, try it.  For every blog entry you create, comment on the other current ones and encourage others to comment on yours.  If you do get a small group playing along, you get to know each other and it can be a really rewarding experience.
    What I don't like about blogs....public internet searchable.  Sure, you can make it private and invite others.  But then who to invite?  That is where I am currently and why I'm not blogging much (and most of my friends have moved on, so they don't check in) 
    And, I'm hosting the local weekly meeting of a national mental health org 'peer support group'. So I'm not around as much here.  And, life is not so bad right now.
    The old saying "be the change you want to see" applies here.  Write blog entries and comment on others and things can change.
    (resolving to engage more here...)
  2. Like
    Atra got a reaction from watalife in Barren   
    Hi. I know what you mean when you say it seems like many individuals write a single post or maybe two and then don't write another. I don't know why that is. 
    I wouldn't characterize the site as barren. I'd say a lot more people come here to read than to post. Again, I have no idea why that is. I'd like it if more readers left comments, even if just to say "yeah, me too" or "no, that's not my experience" to anyone's response. It used to bother me a lot. I guess it doesn't matter so much to me anymore if the original poster follows up or not. I imagine others are or will be reading what I write. With this belief, I respond to posts with a wider audience in mind. 
  3. Like
    Atra got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Of black belts and epiphanies.. Kind of.   
    "Psychic Judo" is a fantastic metaphor and a cool name for a philosophy. Thanks for sharing that. 
  4. Like
    Atra reacted to Tymothi in Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness   
    These days, I feel as if the universe is forcing me to accept what is and just find a place of peace inside no matter what's happening elsewhere. It must be my destiny to be a calm center. 😕 
  5. Like
    Atra got a reaction from Tymothi in Part 1 (of 3): Self-Forgiveness   
    This is how it feels when I attempt to "sit" with a strong, uncomfortable feeling rather than leap for a distraction or anesthetize myself. 
  6. Like
    Atra got a reaction from Tymothi in So now they know. (Or do they?)   
    A good insight, thanks. I hadn't considered this. What human being would be eager to rethink and conclude that their judgments were misguided? Maybe it's more comfortable for most neurotypicals to view their mental health as temporary dysregulation. When living conditions return to the way they were? They assume they'll go back to being "normal", while we'll remain "nutjobs". 
    Feels jaded to assume this applies to all, though. I choose to believe in this abnormal time, I can make a small difference.
  7. Like
    Atra reacted to Tymothi in So now they know. (Or do they?)   
    This is a good way to put it. You'd think it would bring us closer together, help us feel more alike. And maybe for some, it does. But I doubt the average neyrotypical is looking at it that way. They might even be even more resentful because it's starting to make sense, and they will feel bad because of the way they've looked at us for so long.
  8. Like
    Atra reacted to Tymothi in 01   
    Thanks for the kind words.... I certainly hope so - or at least help with existing. I really should look into those emotion wheels, I guess...
  9. Like
    Atra got a reaction from Tymothi in So now they know. (Or do they?)   
    The non-diagnosed are struggling with Covid-related mental health conditions that resemble our own. I know that because I'm hearing from them. Most aren't struggling out in the open, too risky, so much fear. A large number are reaching out to helplines, though.
    I think some people's perspectives about mental health will shift. I don't know if that includes more compassion on the part of neurotypicals, but surely a better understanding. Like us, they have no clue as to when this will end and they can go back go their baseline again. Stigma remains an obstacle, they do not wish to envision themselves as being like us  and I think that separation limits empathy. 
     
  10. Like
    Atra got a reaction from Tymothi in 01   
    This is an amazingly candid and heartbreaking entry. Those raw emotions moved me, it makes this snapshot of your pain so human. It may sound trite to say but I believe this share with all it's naked despair will help people. Thank you for putting a portion of your struggle out in the open. Maybe it will help with your healing, I don't know. 
  11. Like
    Atra got a reaction from jkd_sd in Of Crap and Men   
    I appreciate the feedback! 
    I'd never attempt to diagnose or claim that yes, you do have a specific mental health condition. I'm skeptical of the quote above because from reading your posts here, you seem quite preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and that's definitely a true feature of a mental health condition. You Express everyday negative thinking and persistent feelings of being a failure and letting yourself or others down, that's another feature. 
    Okay. Well, what if problems are problems - no matter if the next guy seems to have it worse? Pain-weighing is impossible as none of us is truly capable of obtaining empirical knowledge of anothers experience of pain or suffering (empathy is a feeling rather than a measurement). I know of your pain and suffering because you disclose it frequently and in great detail, so I have compassion and empathy for you because aspects of your pain seem so familiar to me. I have no idea if it hurts worse or more. 
    In any case, should the degree of impairment determine whether we deserve or need understanding, support, treatment and compassion? Nothing is subtracted from mine or another's experience if you seek comfort or treatment.  Putting it another way, your struggle isn't somehow less valid simply because someone else's struggle seems bigger. 
    When I read the words "stiff upper lip", the generations that endured wars and flight from strife and poverty pop into my mind. My parent's lived through such times, I deeply respect and admire their fortitude and I probably owe my existence their fortitude and resilience. And, there's another truth I hold and that is they were/are utterly hopeless at identifying and regulating their emotions today because the one technique they learned to manage them was to shut them down until they exploded. They passed that technique along to me by modeling it in our family. It wasn't just unhelpful for living in the world I grew up in, it was detrimental. I don't blame them (anymore), I understand they were doing the best they could with what they knew in the times they lived in. But I don't admire their coping skill. 
  12. Like
    Atra reacted to samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    Actually I couldn’t agree with you more. Spot on.
    Yet there is more going on in any given life experience than moods, thoughts and feelings. There are also the circumstances, past and present, that influence how we think, experience and feel.
    And it’s in the face of insurmountable circumstances and banging our heads against proverbial brick walls, however much we accept our circumstances and change our outlooks on life and our perceptions,  we reach critical mass and collapse. 
    Indeed this is what I HAVE been doing most of my life. I have changed my outlook, tried to see my “failures” as challenges and accept the lot that is my life.
    It’s all well and good to attempt to change our outlook to see obstacles and mistakes in life as opportunities to “grow” as human beings. But everyone has their limits. At some point some of us just break and realize the obvious. This all there is and it won’t get any better. Some of us just can’t accept that. Some of us don’t see life as worth the effort any more.
     
  13. Thanks
    Atra got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    Not necessarily based solely on diagnostical definitions. I have opinions about psychology but I think better to discuss those elsewhere.
    I used the wording "mental health condition" to refer to emotional states and thought patterns that are causing distress and getting in the way - of a life worth living. However you define that, I think wishing for death is the opposite. 
    I don't believe thoughts are inherently good or bad nor are feelings, how we act on them can cause problems. 
    It seems to me that patterns of thought influence the way in which we view ourselves which in turn can affect our mood. Our mood can affect our behavior. I find it useful and revealing to examine all of these but as I'm unable to do so alone with any true objectivity, I seek partners. 
  14. Like
    Atra reacted to samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    Ah. This. Based on what though? What psychiatry/psychology says of us? Why is one thought better than another? Why is one action better than an other?
    I don’t believe that any given thought or “adverse behavior” is a basis for mental health issue per se. It boils down to what society deems as “normal” and “moral”. After all, the way we define psychopathology has changed during the odd couple of hundered of years psychiatry has existed as we know it. In the past few decades even more so thanks to the questionable marriage of psychiatry and pharmaceutical enterprises.
    I don’t think that self destruction is necessarily a sign psychopathology. Any given society defines it’s values, morals, ethics. I don’t believe they are universal “truths” we all sort of adhere to and those that don’t are automatically somehow challenged in the mental health department. 
     
     
  15. Like
    Atra reacted to samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    or
    If I could have my wasted days back
     Would I use them to get back on track?
  16. Like
    Atra got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    Ha! I think that sounds like a great idea for the back of t-shirt, wonder what would be written on the front? 
    What I've felt, what I've known never shined through in what I've shown
    Ah, Metallica. 
  17. Like
    Atra got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    I appreciate the feedback! 
    I'd never attempt to diagnose or claim that yes, you do have a specific mental health condition. I'm skeptical of the quote above because from reading your posts here, you seem quite preoccupied with suicidal thoughts and that's definitely a true feature of a mental health condition. You Express everyday negative thinking and persistent feelings of being a failure and letting yourself or others down, that's another feature. 
    Okay. Well, what if problems are problems - no matter if the next guy seems to have it worse? Pain-weighing is impossible as none of us is truly capable of obtaining empirical knowledge of anothers experience of pain or suffering (empathy is a feeling rather than a measurement). I know of your pain and suffering because you disclose it frequently and in great detail, so I have compassion and empathy for you because aspects of your pain seem so familiar to me. I have no idea if it hurts worse or more. 
    In any case, should the degree of impairment determine whether we deserve or need understanding, support, treatment and compassion? Nothing is subtracted from mine or another's experience if you seek comfort or treatment.  Putting it another way, your struggle isn't somehow less valid simply because someone else's struggle seems bigger. 
    When I read the words "stiff upper lip", the generations that endured wars and flight from strife and poverty pop into my mind. My parent's lived through such times, I deeply respect and admire their fortitude and I probably owe my existence their fortitude and resilience. And, there's another truth I hold and that is they were/are utterly hopeless at identifying and regulating their emotions today because the one technique they learned to manage them was to shut them down until they exploded. They passed that technique along to me by modeling it in our family. It wasn't just unhelpful for living in the world I grew up in, it was detrimental. I don't blame them (anymore), I understand they were doing the best they could with what they knew in the times they lived in. But I don't admire their coping skill. 
  18. Like
    Atra reacted to samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    Oh sorry @Atra I also meant point out that as to deserving compassion..as much as the next person I suppose.
    I just don't feel entitled to be posting like I do on df..because I am a typical case of "first world disgruntlement".
    Unlike most on df, my "problems" are small ones compared to people who have real problems, crippling them, making it hard to function at all.
    I am fully functional. To the outside world I have nothing"a batch of pills and common sense" or "stiff upper lip" wouldn't sort out..
    Perhaps they are justified thinking that way. Perhaps all  I am is an idle, complacent old git who harbors a grudge for no particular reason towards the rest of the world out of sheer spite.
  19. Like
    Atra reacted to samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    My point being, the little good in my life is not enough to make a difference in my life. After all, all I have ever done is compromise in every department of my life, constant settling with whatever, whoever will have me. To the extent I haven’t a clue anymore have I in fact ever wanted anything? If I did, I haven’t a clue what. “Floating through life since the sixties”. Haha like a really bad slogan for a product..
    The thing is, I show no true features of any mental health issues. It’s all borderline “maybe”. Not that I actually believe half of what we are told about mental health or lack thereall. To much of it based on dodgy chemistry and other dodgier theorization.  Even when I experienced burnout, I was still energetic and I didn’t “collapse” in the conventional sense.
    The only fact concerning my mental health was in fact burn out 15 odd years ago. Even that was probably caused to a large extent by idiopathic insomnia which was only diagnosed at the time, but of course frustration, stress and exhaustion as well.
  20. Like
    Atra got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Of Crap and Men   
    Your emotional states, the hitherto unsuccessful treatments for mood disorder - these are obstacles. Why are you undeserving of any compassion?
    "It's not that I haven't put in ther effort. I have tried to focus on the Now. I have taken care of myself, in the physical sense at least Amazingly, I am still in a relationship. Even though I hate my job, at least I HAVE a job."
    ❤️ This. You "yeah, but..." some of the negativity you were spewing.
  21. Like
    Atra reacted to jeffreyd in Ketamine and beyond   
    Thanks Atra. I just read your journey with ketamine. Very descriptive, that will help many others I'm sure when contemplating ketamine. Glad you are having some positive results. I never really thought about exploring myself more, interesting to ponder. My pdoc really wants me to become an expert in mindful meditation. Guess I'll be looking into that. Still hoping there is a med out there that can help...  Good luck to you!
     
  22. Like
    Atra got a reaction from JD4010 in Ketamine and beyond   
    Hi @jeffreyd
    I also received Ketamine treatment and like you, wrote a blog about it here on DF. I'm among the fortunate ones who responded to treatment - though it wasn't until the second or third intravenous infusion. I've read this entry and and wanted you to know I that I feel for you and identify with many of the matters you wrote about. So I want to share with you some of my thoughts. 
    Your thoughts on finding Purpose resonate with me because I thought I'd lost that capital-P in the years I was barely surviving with MDD and med-resistant. Towards the end of the Ketamine protocol I realized how my life seemed pointless not because I was without purpose but because I'd stopped seeking; I'd ceased to be curious about the world outside but more importantly about myself.
    I had been focusing so much on the world, global and local events, far away places and confusing messages. And wondering where I fit into it all, what possible contributions I might offer. I may have forgotten about the inner world, the "world of me", in which there exists marvelous discoveries. Investigation and examination of what is in there reignited my curiosity. In adulthood I believed I knew myself quite well... not so well at all, as it turns out. Some parts of me I'd forgotten, other parts lay waiting to be noticed. This led to growth, change, acceptance of uncertainty, a renewed sense of wonder.
    If it turns out my Purpose is just to learn as much about me as possible in the time I have, I will be content. 
    Thanks for sharing your experience and giving me some space to share mine. 
     
  23. Like
    Atra reacted to Soarsie18 in Properly letting go   
    @nojoy I’ve decided to find a new focus for the time being. I’ve put so much time and effort into being a vet and now that theres nothing left to do I’m lost. 
  24. Like
    Atra reacted to nojoy in Properly letting go   
    It is okay to focus on other things. You have options in life. You might  become a vet in the next few years or maybe you will find something else that interests you.
    Look how many times I switched majors in college, and I'm still trying to figure what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. I have problems committing to anything for very long. In the last year, I have taken up crocheting (brought a lot of yarn!), recycling used items into jewelry, jewelry holders, children's toys (I still have a room full of boxes that I was going to use), join a gym or yoga class (I have the clothes for both). And I gave everything up because I compared my work and myself  to the beautiful work of others and decided I was not good enough or I lost interest. I've taken art classes, jewelry making, wreath making and I'm looking for the next class.  I'm still looking for something that I can feel good about and that interests me.
    Don't give up. Don't miss out on life. Live and enjoy everything you do. Explore what interests you. You may find you like painting or helping people or pet sitting or working in a store. Keep exploring. 
    I think everyone feels lost after high school. Fear of the unknown, made me go right from high school straight into college with no break  to figure out exactly what I wanted to do. Everytime I moved out of my parents house, fear made me return to what I knew. Fear kept me from committing to one person (until I married him to get way from my mother's emotional abuse and even then I don't think I really loved him).
    Look around the world, explore many paths, Work at different jobs to find something you like or just to have something to do and make some money. You are not lost. You are a at fork in the road and have to decide which direction to go. Enjoy the journey, don't worry about the big stuff,  it will still be there whenever you are ready to deal with it.
  25. Like
    Atra reacted to nojoy in Properly letting go   
    One breath at a time, One baby step at a time.  One hour at a time. And as we get stronger with these tasks then we can move on the the next level.
    You know I have major problems with reliving the past in my head over and over and over. and the outcome never changes. The therapist has tried very hard to show me how to live in the moment and to be mindful, It is hard to overcome the thinking of the past and how to change it and how to influence or control the future.
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