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Atra

Gold Member
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Atra last won the day on April 10

Atra had the most liked content!

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About Atra

  • Rank
    Gold Member
  • Birthday April 6

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    San Francisco, California
  • Interests
    Cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, podcasts, theater, opera, wine, food, crunchy-looking leaves on the sidewalk, walking, meditation, skepticism, travel, beading, poetry, support groups, pears.

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2,018 profile views
  1. We'll stop Fighting When You Start Listening Depression doesn't care about what you got You could be a billionaire and it means squat And all those platitudes, attitudes from family/peers? Is why I didn't get diagnosed for so many years! Sweetheart, I'm longing for some real talk - if you wanna But you say I'm toxic on account of all "my drama" It's why you never got to hear about my trauma All you learned is that I eat more pills than your grandma?
  2. Atra

    Ideas?

    I decided to write mediocre poetry because I believe the world doesn't already have enough depressed mediocre poets. I am occupying the space left for me by the good poets, the great poets, and the truly awful poets. 💪😁 I decided to make beaded bracelets and necklaces because why the eff not? I can wear them and little stones strung together give me a small measure of joy. Go figure. I mix essential oils to create scents I find appealing then I apply them to the jewelry I make. On occasion, I make a scent that triggers a long ago memory and that brings me joy. Sometimes I make an aroma that smells like cheap laundry soap. Whatevs 🤷‍♂️ Stuff I learned: being impressed by the outcome of a hobby project is not the point, doing the work itself is. So I shrug at my judgment and those of others - whether praise or criticism. Outcomes dont much matter. Efforts do. Curiosity is the real point of taking on a hobby. "You could sell that!" Shrug. Soon as I begin to think of a hobby as some commercial venture, the fun and discovery and creativity evaporates. So, I remind myself I am not on a mission to indulge my ego. Just want to learn something about me I dont know. Even if I learn that I'm pretty terrible at it. I hope you will get curious about yourself, there's a beautiful mess inside!
  3. Hi! Glad to hear you're doing better and I appreciate the update. I'd be interested to hear more about your therapy and what you're working on in there, or what you're doing for self cares while physical distancing and anything else that seems to be working for you. Writing about your recovery helps me and helps others, too so big thanks for letting us know.
  4. Hyper-awareness, hypervigilance, mild irritation, insomnia, free-floating worry. Life with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I dont know why symptoms have very suddenly spiked. Of course our very abnormal circumstances play some part in it. Since April I've been cruising along with mild symptoms, the last two days I've awoken feeling stressed and worried. I'll try some meditation tomorrow if I can sleep tonight.
  5. Hi and welcome @greeneyedgadgetgirl. I'm sorry to hear about the isolation. Moving to a new city, it's difficult to establish oneself and build support systems. You mentioned virtual support groups. I am member of a few and attending them is helping me. I suggest having a look at supportgroupscentral.com to locate a group or two, there are many on a variety of topics and they all meet online. Wishing you some peace and connection.
  6. Hi @JustTiredAnymore. Glad you found us. What you wrote about family not understanding depression and their inability to empathize, validate you reminds me of my own experiences. I think they genuinely wanted to help me but their efforts did th opposite. They just didn't understand mental illness until I was able to explain it and they were willing to listen. That took a lot of time. I began to feel less alone when I discovered found families like this one. Surrounded by people who get it, I receive the support and validation I craved from my bio family. Acknowledgement, feeling understood, empathy - it doesnt fix it. It does make living with it easier. At least for me.
  7. Hi @SolaMara. Welcome to the forums and I am sorry to hear about the isolation and disconnection you're experiencing. That is so difficult. You're not alone. You wonder what you can expect here - understanding, compassion, acceptance. This version of you is acceptable to me, even now, as you struggle to find any hope of improvement. I want to recognize that writing about your struggle took a measure of courage. Fighting the battles in our minds out in the open always does. I suspect no one ever improved from depression by not talking about it. Now that we're aware, I will say that you're worthy of inclusion and acceptance, love and validation no matter how wretched you might feel. I regret that I can't tell you how to fix anything, I've never spent a day living your life. But I and others can empathize with your pain and perhaps that's a place to start making real connections. Let's remain open to the possibility. Wishing you some relief from symptoms.
  8. Alma - Gustavo Cerati (I'm impressed with all the tracks on his album, Bocanada)
  9. Finally, I cut my own hair using electric clippers. Been talking about doing it for weeks but anxiety gripped me whenever I thought about it. I've never cut my hair before, doing anything for the first time fills me with trepidation. Cannot see what I'm doing means I will surely end up looking like a mangy mutt. Chunked the task into bits: suction cup mirror on the wall of shower, click in 1/2" guide, broom to sweep up, trash can. Checked in with myself after each chunk to see how I felt. I was gonna watch a how-to video but decided the stakes aren't so high, I wear hats anyway. Pretty pleased with the results. All the anxiety and anticipation was terrible but the discomfort of 1970s era hair was worse. Did my 1 hard thing for the day.
  10. I'm still grieving my so-called life from before Dreaming of what I'd be doing were it not for. Ask me what day it is I say I dont know There's only yesterday today and tomorrow.
  11. Online DBT skills group, video call with a friend, attended online depression support group in the evening, socialized with group members afterwards until my wireless earbuds battery ran dry. Spent pretty much all day in Zoom but I did get outside for a 90 minute walk in the late morning. I will definitely pair back the online meetings this week as I want to read book and work on creative stuff.
  12. Me: I'm having some trouble communicating with a colleague, she seems to fixate, stress on details of questionable importance. Therapist: What can you tell me about her? Me: She's French and... Therapist: Ooooh. Well... [My therapist is a Brit. We laughed for a while]
  13. Mother's Day was stressful. My mom is 85. I'm her adult son who regularly finds himself parenting his depressed, elderly parent. Going to visit mom on Mothers Day and anticipating her spewing negativity, expecting mom to mentally filter out any positive and fixate on the negative. It is hard enough for me to manage my own depression I feel I gotta be twice as skillful when I visit her. During my daily acceptance practices, when I attempt not to fault myself for falling short of everything in life, I'll tell myself: "You're doing the best you can with the parts you got from the factory." Sitting with my mom, she takes her first bite of the strawberry shortcake I brought her and declares, "I can tell these strawberries are at least 2 days old". It makes me feel small, feel unworthy. I think to myself, she is the factory I got my parts from. And I hate myself a little for thinking like that. I feel like an awful person, knowing plenty of people who lost their moms and might be grateful to have one day with theirs (and I can make space for their perspective whilst white-knuckling through a visit with my mom). I also feel ungrateful and ashamed because I know plenty of people who lived with abusive moms (my mom might be emotionally abusing me, not sure if what she does counts). It was a tough Moms Say. How was yours?
  14. Finished up the Monday newsletter email and sent it out to support group. Phone call with my bestie whilst preparing and eating lunch. Changed batteries in smoke detectors making maddeningly loud chirping noises. Attended online DBT skills practice group, Facebook call with a group member to get advice. Attended depression/bipolar support group, socialized afterward. Food frenzy at 10pm cause I hadn't eaten a thing since 12pm. Watched Star Trek.
  15. Sounds like a pretty honest and powerful admission. I will often try to externalize, to disown my feelings. Make them the fault of someone or something else simply because I'm unable to manage them. Welcome to the forum community @Afloat. Letting down our walls among safe people is how we start to get support. Good job.
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