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Atra last won the day on June 6

Atra had the most liked content!


About Atra

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    Gold Member
  • Birthday April 6

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    San Francisco, California
  • Interests
    Cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, podcasts, theater, opera, wine, food, crunchy-looking leaves on the sidewalk, walking, meditation, skepticism, travel, beading, poetry, support groups, pears.

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  1. I read this too. She just launched a new podcast and I'm wondering, will she talk openly about struggling with it? I hope so. When I read "low-grade depression", I also wondered what the term meant. Is she experiencing vicarious trauma, triggered by videos on social media? Then again from the attributions listed, her depression could be from grieving secondary losses and symbolic losses. Or maybe I'm projecting on her. I'm grieving loss of life and lifestyle, loss of leadership and the deterioration of civility.
  2. Hurt, Disappointed, Violated, Threatened & Betrayed. Also, Brave, Honest, Self-respecting, Fierce & Thankful. I ended a friendship today. They messed up with me time and again, apologizing after each time only to hurt and upset and disappoint me once more. Eventually I had enough and boundaries mean very little if I'm not prepared to enforce them. It was a difficult conversation. They cried, pleaded for one last chance and I had to sound like a broken record. To sort of fortify my resolve, I kept in my mind an affirmation I read someplace: I can't control your behavior, I can only control my exposure to it.
  3. Google "dwayne johnson college gpa" sometime. Yeah he's a peer. He struggled with depression in college and was basically expelled. College football career ended, disappointment to his father. He says he felt lost and considered suicide. I've always liked his movies, kitschy as they may be, and I like him alot more since he's been an advocate for mental health and anti-stigma.
  4. Feeling anxious about a video therapy visit is quite normal I think. I've told myself that I ought to feel more comfortable in my most familiar surroundings but it's the opposite. It's as if I'm inviting my therapist to visit my home which feels embarrassing; I feel vulnerable and exposed. I can't even put up a virtual background as we don't use Zoom. I asked a couple of other therapists if they're noticing things during video visits and they told me they are. They used to only see how clients dressed when we had to go out. And seeing a little of their client's home life is useful info--but not to judge or shame. I mentioned how I'm also seeing into their homes and the same therapists admitted to feeling some uneasiness at that, so maybe we're actually more equal in terms of anxiety than we think? Therapists can't simply copy their office space furnishings but they want their space to look professional, not personal or messy--and yet, that's limited because it's their home. Also while I can look as if I just rolled out of bed (and sometime I have!) my therapist, she's fixed her hair, put on makeup and work clothes. It's all so strange and I think we are growing more used to it after four or five visits.
  5. Saturday afternoon, I hurriedly worked on a project due Monday. I was rather pleased with it. I emailed a draft to two leaders in my organization, asked for their opinions and any changes. Those opinions were given--at high volume--into my ears. The first recipient phoned Saturday night to yell at me for my audacity and betrayal, insisting on a complete rewrite (which we did) then sent it out. The second recipient phoned to yell at me today for my audacity and betrayal having not used the original draft I'd written. I cycled through many emotions over this but right now, I'm feeling weirdly peaceful. Like, I should be furious and feel abused, right? That wasn't the case here. I knew they were angry at each other, not me. I pointed this out, warned them that displaced anger will poison those around them. They'll have an opportunity to yell at each other tomorrow, if they're brave.
  6. I arrange to have my place cleaned once each month, it's a gift to myself. They do floors, bathroom, kitchen appliances, bedroom and all surfaces to professional standards. I do cleaning the the weeks between and I hand wash my dishes and do laundry at the laundromat. Thanks for the suggestion of where to go while my place was being cleaned, I had a lovely day. I'm friends with a professional cat sitter, it's her livelihood and she's certified by the city. Feeds them then playtime, gives meds. Sometimes she'll stay overnight if kitty's parents are away.
  7. Waking up slowly. I might read in bed. I might use the bathroom then go back to 💤. I might doze off reading DF in bed. I haven't decided if I'm going to 😴 🛏 and this kind of uncertainty suits me.
  8. I'm bothered by the allies and enemies divisions in the leadership of my volunteer group. Old resentments, territory wars, envy and power plays appear in service work not just in businesses, I suppose. But I have a harder time accepting politics in volunteer organizations and how I hate being dragged into petty rows. I came very close to telling them all they can go eff themselves yesterday. Miss the days when you could smack somebody upside the head cause they acting a fool.
  9. That is puzzling. When the event has a noticeable effect on my mood, I experience it in a sort of thats just what I needed! way. I kinda wanna understand this mystery so that I can control it (to use it with intention). But then again on the other hand, that control could erase many of the surprises in my life. I don't know if I can take more boredom. I have to be out of the house tomorrow afternoon while it's being cleaned, for a few hours. I'll certainly do some walking. What would be a nice thing to do for me? Should I bring my lunch to the park or sit in an outdoor restaurant?
  10. This is how it feels when I attempt to "sit" with a strong, uncomfortable feeling rather than leap for a distraction or anesthetize myself.
  11. Hi. Sorry to hear about your suffering. I have lived with depression for a long time, I know how empty and awful living with it can feel. I wonder if one reason you're feeling stuck is that you believe that recovery from depression is something you do by yourself? Maybe they, will maybe not I don't know. Maybe medication is a better problem than laying in your bed in agony due to severe depression, again I don't know. I know you don't have to fight depression without any help. I can't predict your future but neither can your depression (and depression speaks with a loud and convincing voice, I know this). I never got out of my depression prison until I was able to ask for help and then accept the help that was offered me. That was not an easy thing to do. I have some years of recovery from major depression, that did not happen because someone fixed me. I worked at it with help from therapy, drugs, and communities like this one. You may do it differently. Each of us is on their own journey and no one is following exactly the same path to recovey. I thought the bars of my depression prison surrounded me, they did not. It seemed like they surrounded me because I always tried to go through them. Until I learned that I could go around them. Wishing you some relief from the pain and emptiness.
  12. Hi @zbrown016 sounds like it's been a tough 7 years. When families are ill-equipped to handle or understand one of their own who's suffering from depression, it can deepen the suffering of everyone. So I'd like to welcome you to our found-family, a community where you can fight depression in the open and receive some validation and compassion. Being seen and being heard by folks who get it--it helps.
  13. Headed over to my bestie's condo for dinner, champagne. It's been months since I hung out with a friend indoors--and I didn't have to worry because he is tested twice per month. He needed some serious cheering up. All we did was eat, drink and talk for 5 hours. Lifting his mood lifted my own a little. I'm reminded of the proverb, "A bit of fragrance clings to the hand that gives flowers."
  14. The notion that everybody should like me and when one person doesn't, it means I'm a piece of crap.
  15. My fragrant oils and scented candles. My feelings. They can be inconvenient, even annoying at times, but that's a better problem than numbness. Ketamine. It's my depression medicine and continues to help me see inside.
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