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MaepleSyrup

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  1. Thanks
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from MarkintheDark in Online vs. Real Life   
    Aw, I just noticed it’s been over a year since I’ve joined. So happy I have. Things have changed a lot, and I’m glad I can still come here freely, despite the ups and downs.
    Such an odd place for this, but thank you for the wonderful year.
    Especially @Ratvan and @MarkintheDark
    You both are my best lads here.
    Don’t know what I would’ve done without you guys!
  2. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to Lundi_Hvalursson in Adapting to being single for life   
    Following my very long first thread here about being single/virgin at almost age 30 (my 30th birthday is this Thursday), I was wondering about choosing to resign myself to be single for life. It is another path, but I was thinking about how I have a lot of quirks and difficulties that would make probably well over 95% of eligible women not want to have anything to do with me. In addition to Asperger's, I have generalised anxiety, social anxiety, OCD and can fall into depression when the situation changes.

    As much as I want a girlfriend, I notice that I feel much less stress when I am alone and talk to no one. I do feel painfully and depressively lonely many times, but there is a certain calmness that I get when I am alone and do not have to worry about anyone else or about offending a girlfriend/wife. When I am alone, I can just be me, whether anyone approves of it or not.

    Has anyone with ASD (or even without) considered resigning themselves to being single instead of trying hard to not be single and continuously failing?
     
  3. Sad
    MaepleSyrup reacted to MarkintheDark in Prepared to Check Out By Year's End   
    I mentioned in the “How Do You Feel” thread I haven't felt ready to disclose the depths of my thoughts lately.  I guess I'll give it a try. Primarily, I'm preparing myself to die by year's end.
    Aside from fighting HIV for over 26 years, the health issues have become more numerous the past six years with multiple hospital stays.  Long term with this disease, from a time when therapies were hit-or-miss, takes a medical toll on folks like me.  Despite fighting back, my stamina's taken a hit.  There are a lot of activities I used to enjoy that are difficult, now sometimes impossible, to do.  I've taken charge of those things I can vis-a-vis my health care, with decent results.  I'm glad I've been able to share those successes here on DF and elsewhere.  I'm glad I've been able to be an advocate.  I've also been able to jettison – I know it sounds harsh to those who know the story – familial baggage.  In fact, I've made every effort the past few months to enjoy my life.  And I have.
    But my finances are dwindling to a point I can't support myself much longer.  I long ago learned to ignore (now) six-figure hospital bills and collectors.  Never was able to qualify for SSDI, so I just took my SSR early if only to postpone what I feel is the inevitable.  I'm accomplished in my fields and respected, but there's no suitable work, even from home. My stamina cannot even handle regular part time work on site.
    Unfortunately, my neighbor/landlord/friend with whom I've become almost a brother because of our age, health issues, etc., probably has a contract to sell my duplex now.  I fully agree with his reasoning, being no longer able to afford his own living expenses.  He's the guy with whom we've both shared our respective ideations. I've never had a friend like that IRL.  And we're both comfortable sharing candidly with each other, more than I have with any professional.  Our life “plan,” so to speak, was that I'd have a place to live here as long as I wanted it.  It's not Architectural Record, but it's safe, comfortable and affordable.  Now I'll have to move in a few more months because there will be no lease renewal.  My problem the past several years is that stressful major life events, including two of them right after moves, have put me in the hospital.  And in our market, gentrification has made rents unaffordable except in the most run-down neighborhoods.  I've lived in this metropolitan area most of the past 45 years.  It's home.
    What makes me sad about exiting is that I have a whole spectrum of friendships these days.  I enjoy mentoring “kids” about my craft.  I love seeing them succeed.  Intimidating people rarely intimidate me any more.  I usually respond instead of react.  I like that I'm still refining my skills, even with the lack of upgraded equipment.  I like that I'm still learning stuff every day.  And that even goes for basics like, silly as it sounds, vocabulary.  I'm better versed than ever about issues and enjoy exploring them.  My life is pretty fulfilling despite the medical issues.
    About the only choice I do have right now is to make my end-of-life preparations in the time that's left.  The big task will be my Final Will. That includes, in particular, my feline companion, Spot, for whom I'll have to make arrangements for his well-being.  It includes my digital photo collection which I've already made arrangements for a fellow photographer to have.  There's a significant amount of rare aviation industry memorabilia dating from the 70s-90s I feel must have a home with a historical society or two, a more important portion already went to a museum's collection last year.  Most frustrating, no one in my family really cares about the significant research and records I've collected on Dad.  I suppose compounding it is that, in almost exactly two months, I'll be the same age he was when he died.  In a strange sense that makes my own exit more peaceful and easier to handle.
    Honestly, too, having done so much therapy over my 60-some-odd years, I've reached my limit of dealing with yet more issues.  Much the same as my medical treatments, I've decided enough is enough.  I'm not willing to go yet another round, let alone be candid, with a therapist who's just gonna spout the standard treatments.  It's not that I'm special.  It's that I'm tired.  tbh, I don't know that even doing the surgery next month, for the pain of the recovery period, is even worth it since the pain has been manageable the past few months anyway.  I'd rather be out living instead of being laid up again.
    What it comes down to is that I've reached the limit of what I'm willing to endure just to stay alive.  Quality of life is more important to me than anything else.  Surviving is not living.  The quality of my life has been in continuing decline for several years now.  I'm not willing to preside over my life deteriorating further.
  4. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to BeyondWeary in Relationship with food   
    I feel for you. Hope you can work out things with your therapist. You don't deserve to be punished in that way even if you aren't near perfect. 
    BW
  5. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to MargotMontage in Relationship with food   
    I relate to what you're saying. I don't have a good relationship with food, either, and medication plus disability plus depression have made me eat way too much sugar. I guess that punishing yourself through starving would be self harm, but because there are lots of factors in people not eating, it would depend on the context. If it were related to how you look, it wouldn't necessarily be self harm, but there are better ways to lose weight. So, I guess it's something you'll need to work through in therapy, but the only things I can offer as help are:
    1. Cut back on sugar and fats.
    2. Eat three healthy meals a day.
    3. If you snack, choose healthy snacks.
    4. If you feel the urge to punish yourself, don't eat the snacks, (as suggested by JessiesMom.)
    I wish I had better advice, but I'm not trained to help with this sort of problem. I mainly wanted you to know that you're not alone in this, and I hope you will find a way through it.
  6. Sad
    MaepleSyrup reacted to sober4life in Relationship with food   
    I reward and punish myself with food all the time.  I have a rocky relationship with everything and everyone and I always will.
  7. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to Epictetus in Relationship with food   
    Hi Bellerose,
         You are not alone.  I've also done that. 
         The brain is so mysterious and has a mind of its own.  Sometimes it tries to move us to do things that are not good for us.
        We have reflective consciousness so we can kind of stand outside of our thought stream but so often our brain is running on auto-pilot.
         I learned something interesting from a dog trainer.  He asked me:  "What is the purpose of punishing?"  And before I could answer, he said:  "You don't punish so you have to keep punishing an animal forever.  You punish to teach that animal to self-punish."
          I think that maybe that is true of human beings too.  
         A psychotherapist taught me a little trick for relating to my brain when it is causing me to do things that are not good for me.  He said:  "Just repeat over and over:  'I love you little brain."
         I thought the idea was kind of silly but I find it actually works for me.  Don't know if it would work for you or other people.  We are all so different.
         I think that the idea behind this trick is that in our childhood, one of the ways our parents punished us was by withholding love from us. 
        And maybe we learned to withhold love from ourselves [self-punishment]. 
         Parents need to prepare children to live in society [socialization].  Punishment is one tool for this. 
        Sometimes things can get out of hand and go too far.  Sometimes the punishing can be excessive and unbalanced so that the cure is worse than the disease, so to speak.
         I think that maybe a lot of us grow up well skilled in self-punishment, self-scolding and so on but deficient in self-respect, self-understanding, self-compassion, self-comforting. 
         In my own life, I try to tell my brain that I love it as much as possible to restore some balance to my life since I grew up to be a perfectionist.  I struggle with weight and eating too as part of that.
        It is easy to mentally beat up our brain for something we feel guilty about and then feel guilty about beating up our brain and so beat up our brain mentally even more . . . and it becomes a vicious circle. 
        None of us has a brain that is all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-perfect and infinite.  We have a little 3 pound brain and it does it best given everything influencing it moment to moment. 
         Sometimes our brain is a little like a computer.
          Some computer problems are hardware problems and some are software problems.
          A lot of the "software" we run in our minds was "installed" by our parents and other authoritative adults when we were impressionable children. 
        These "programs" might have been adaptive when we were young but might not be so helpful now.  So at times it can surprise us what our brain is telling us to do. 
        Does that ever happen to you?
         Sometimes a therapist can help us to learn to love ourselves better so that we have more balance in our lives.  I'm glad you have someone to talk to about what is going on in your life. 
        I don't have any magic solutions to the problem you described.  I am just a work in progress myself and stumbling along day to day.
         I sure hope you find something that helps you,  Bellerose.  You are such a blessing to all of us here on the Forums and to me!
    - epictetus
  8. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to JessiesMom in Relationship with food   
    It is one thing to reward yourself with something you enjoy - but this sounds different. Your body needs food to function correctly and skipping meals can really mess up your metabolism. Have you tried having a schedule to eat and only witholding snacks if you have the feeling you need punishment? It is clearly not a complete solution - but it could help you stay healthier while you work through why you feel as though you need punishment? 
    From what I know, self harm is a sign that something is being repressed. For example, I am mad at husband for not doing the dishes, but I can't talk to him about it because.....reasons. So to deal with the negative feedback loop, I hurt myself to feel some control and release the tension. You seem to think that you need to suffer for some reason. Dealing with what underlies that is probably a place to start. 
  9. Sad
    MaepleSyrup reacted to bellerose in Relationship with food   
    I feel like I have a weird relationship with food. I love food. Sugar and junk especially. I’ve never been comfortable with my weight or how I look. Over the years, various medications have increased my appetite. I didn’t always eat healthy, but it was never junk every single meal.
    Every now and then if I was feeling particularly unhappy with my body. I’d skip a meal. Nothing too drastic though, this occurrence was actually pretty rare. 
    As of the past couple months, I’ve noticed I’ve been using food to punish myself when I feel like I deserve it. I will not allow myself to eat if I’m feeling bad about myself. This recent trend has never been associated with feelings about my weight/body.
    Today was the first time my dissatisfaction with my body was a supporting factor of whether or not I deserved to eat today. It just added to this list of reasons I didn't deserve food.
    After talking to my therapist about how I punish myself, she told me it was a form of self harm. I haven’t really done self harm for a long time. I guess I was kinda shocked and disappointed, although it all makes sense. Previous self harm was much more visible than not eating, so I think I’m a bit scared I’ll feel like it’s the only way I can control getting what I feel like I deserve.
    I don’t know, I just want a normal relationship with food so I can be healthy. 
  10. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from adamrparr in Back and struggling   
    I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It sounds like a tough situation, and I know it's hard on you.
    Keep reaching out. Find positive outlets. Journaling might help you clear your mind as well. Get your thoughts down somewhere. It might help.
    As for your therapist, do you think he'll be more aware of things if you just admit to him that he's not helping? Perhaps he can switch to different solutions or techniques. That's what he's there for- just be honest.
    Please, hang in there. We're always here to help and listen.
    I wish you the best
  11. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from Lady Mozzer in "What Was The Last Movie(S) You Saw, And What Did You Think Of It?" #3   
    I saw that new Lion King movie. I don't know why a number of people don't like it- I actually enjoyed it! It was a beautiful movie. Definitely not as good or better than the original, but it was still a great film
  12. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from Nightjar in To everyone with depression.   
    I sure hope it's appreciated. Honestly, I don't know how to help people fix their own problems. I TRY, but usually it doesn't get far. I've dealt with more people than I'm willing to admit. And if I, personally, can't be strong for MYSELF, then why can't I try reminding and encouraging people to be strong themselves?
    Hell, the only reason why I'm probably still here is because of the cats that need help being socialized so they can find their own home. It's sad enough to say that my job is my main highlight most of the time. It's sad to say my friends are literally cats. If anything, I'm not strong at all. I'm weak as hell. And I contemplate about ending my own life more often than I should. I come here to both get help and lend help.
    As little of experiences I've had with helping people, I do what I can to at least be positive for people- in which I hope we all can try being positive towards others in harsh times. I agree with @Floor2017, being here will give us all something that we need. I know some of us are blessed for having this forum because we get the help or advice we need. And I hope this continues for as long as it can- it's a cruel world out there. For some of us, this is the only source of help we got. But I hope we all continue supporting each other and lending help to those who need it.
    It's wonderful to see so much of that on here- let's hope this forum can continue for as long as we can 🙂
    Wishing the best
    Mae
  13. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from Nightjar in To everyone with depression.   
    I just wanted to take a moment and tell you all that I am so proud of you for waking up to another day. I know it may be hard and I know you all are struggling, but what matters most is that you survived another difficult day- know why?
    Because you are strong. You have managed to fight those depressive thoughts and managed to wake up to another morning. I want us all to be proud of each other for still being here and not giving in to our suicidal thoughts. You all deserve better days and better lives, but don't forget how strong you are for facing your own battle.
    Sometimes, it may seem like you are waking up to the same morning or same day, but just try to believe in that one special day where everything changes. It's almost like war- there's almost no way to determine when the battle will end, but there will always be an ending. That day will come. Just keep it in mind.
    I wish you all the best day/night, and again: I'm so proud to see all of you who make it past each and every night. Every day you wake up to is another yesterday succeeded!
    Keep your heads up! You got this 🙂
  14. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from Forum Admin in To everyone with depression.   
    I just wanted to take a moment and tell you all that I am so proud of you for waking up to another day. I know it may be hard and I know you all are struggling, but what matters most is that you survived another difficult day- know why?
    Because you are strong. You have managed to fight those depressive thoughts and managed to wake up to another morning. I want us all to be proud of each other for still being here and not giving in to our suicidal thoughts. You all deserve better days and better lives, but don't forget how strong you are for facing your own battle.
    Sometimes, it may seem like you are waking up to the same morning or same day, but just try to believe in that one special day where everything changes. It's almost like war- there's almost no way to determine when the battle will end, but there will always be an ending. That day will come. Just keep it in mind.
    I wish you all the best day/night, and again: I'm so proud to see all of you who make it past each and every night. Every day you wake up to is another yesterday succeeded!
    Keep your heads up! You got this 🙂
  15. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from Epictetus in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    I'm not sure how to feel about my new job. No matter what section I'm in, I always get a text that something is wrong or I missed something.
    Anything else?
  16. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from watalife in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    I'm not sure how to feel about my new job. No matter what section I'm in, I always get a text that something is wrong or I missed something.
    Anything else?
  17. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from Barrier Maiden in Rattler6's 'What did you drink last?' Thread Part 2   
    Coffee. And not enough of it 
  18. Like
    MaepleSyrup got a reaction from AloneGuy in Rattler6's 'What did you drink last?' Thread Part 2   
    Coffee. And not enough of it 
  19. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to evalynn in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    How awkward it is to talk on the phone. I really, really hate it. But if I go too long without calling my aunt or my mother-in-law, they get mad at me. I just don't do well with speaking to someone I can't see or making awkward "what's new?" talk or struggling to listen and adding the appropriate "uh huh"s and "yeah"s and fake laughs and noises of sympathy. I'd rather text or speak face to face, but NOT speak over the phone!
  20. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to Epictetus in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    Thinking about what kind of goodies I want to take for my train ride today.
  21. Sad
    MaepleSyrup reacted to MarkintheDark in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    Since it's 2am and rather than muck up the regular boards, I'll do it here.
    I suppose I'm insane.  I'm absolutely clear about my circumstances and, if there was anything to my attorney's appointment yesterday, it's that being treated with dignity and respect is a rarity in my life.  She was young enough to be my daughter and wonderful to me. 
    Meanwhile, as has happened repeatedly with these HIV organizations, I've been bullied and/or ignored.  My well-being, despite their "patient-centered care," takes a back seat to personal agendas and office politics.  Their dysfunction is all over the place, the elephant in the room, if you will.  I can't fight an organization up to its neck in denial.
    So, what happens as my health issues worsen is that eventually I'm too tired to fight them at the same time I'm just trying to keep my head above water.  The nonverbal answer I get is, "oh well...too bad.  You'll have to figure that out for yourself."
    Y'know, what I wouldn't give for just ONE person who could give me the support I desperately need.  ONE person to even text me a couple times a week to check on me.  I've even read that some organizations in the private sector are in fact doing just that when their folks are suicidal or in other distress.
  22. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to sober4life in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    The government put mountain lions in Ohio to help control the deer population even though they deny that fact.  It's rare to see a mountain lion around here.  They try to stay in the deep woods like the bears but I live in what is considered the deep woods.  Your dogs and people and everything are in danger from bobcats.
  23. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to evalynn in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    There have been bobcat sightings around here, but I've never seen one. Not that I want to. Hopefully they don't eat dogs.
  24. Haha
    MaepleSyrup reacted to sober4life in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    You should have seen the "cat" I saw today.  It was as big as me!
  25. Like
    MaepleSyrup reacted to watalife in TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 3   
    It's even lonely on this site. I would feel less alone watching a movie or staring at a bird or cat
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