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  1. I've done dome terrible things in the past that I hate are a part of me. I try to forgive myself because I wasn't well and my mind wasn't working normally. We can only go forward and live our lives now as the best people we can be.
  2. I feel like the commercial i see for the antidepressant where the woman talks about going through her day with a mask on. Depression comes when I'm alone and have time to think. Or when i go to things alone and see no one else there alone. Or when I join groups and see others all connecting and making friends and me failing at it - despite my happy demeaner. I got myself to an event to meet people last weekend. At first it went well it seemed....then people drifted away....at least the guys did and it was a singles group. Talk about making me feel like I'm unattrative. After a few hours I cut out before the event was over. I'm told I'm attractive. At one time I was really attractive. I'm older now so you can only be so attractive when you're older. I don't even think I care about a relationship anymore but I could have used an ego boost I think. I talk to female friends but it seems I always call them. They only call it seems when they need something. I don't have family who cares at all. I go through the day and enjoy things and laugh at things and stuff. It's when I start to think that it all gets to me.
  3. Yeah and at work I have to listen to others talk about their Xmas plans. I got a present at work and the card said something about enjoy the time with my friends and family. I just smile when people say this and keep it all inside.
  4. He can't be there for someone or have anything to give when he's feeling that way. Everything centers on yourself when you're that low...it's a human survival mechanism. It's not personal.
  5. Does anyone know of any other forums of this kind? Maybe ones that get more traffic/interaction? I've googled it but I not only have to go out of my country to find them - not that that matters- but I've looked at responses that threads get on other forums and they're low or none or years old which a lot are on here too. I was just wondering. Thanks
  6. I don't take bubble baths. I watch tv or movies in the evening but I like to be active in the day. A movie isn't really special since I do it all the time. Thing is, on Xmas eve or Xmas, even if you're doing one of those things, you know that others are at gatherings with friends and loved ones Having fun and exchanging gifts.
  7. Sorry your parents won't be there. Wish mine were still alive.
  8. Thanks, I'll look into that.
  9. I'm sorry to hear you don't have anyone either. Please don't say you can't wait for your life to be over. I was like that too and then I almost died in an accident. It was awful because I had mean family members to try to seak help from--try being the word. I did it all alone...but it did make me stronger. I also stopped saying things like you're saying. (I used to say it all the time). I saw how quick life can be gone and I like the beauty in nature and in animals. It's weird how I changed but I did. Before that I had been saying I wished I wasn't here anymore for years. Maybe i had that accident for a reason...to teach me that. I still get down of course - which is why I posted-- but i don't down get that far anymore...and you would think i would be because I am alone. I hope this tells you that there is hope in not feeling that way.
  10. Who else hates the holidays? Who will be alone like me? Having to listen to TV, radio and people talk about their plans to spend time with their family and friends is nauseating. Or when they use the term "spending time with your loved ones" it makes me sad since there is no one that loves me anymore. I had one person who did- my mom- and she died early last year. Another thing is having to listen to people in stores ask the other person "Do you think he'd like this?" makes me want to hibernate at home away from them all. There will be no gifts for me...I used to get one from my mom (and me to her) but she's gone. Now no one. It's just another day but even worse everything will be closed so your stuck home thinking of how everyone is out celebrating with each other. Not only that but I have a birthday near Xmas. Again it's now just another day spent alone.
  11. I got that way before-for other reasons. I've had hardship after hardship in my life. I've had people -including family- treat me like dirt. It's ours to deal with and get through. We grow stronger because of it. I sure did and I learned not to give anyone that power anymore. We are here to learn something. God does listen and sometimes we see it. Other times you need to try to figure things out for yourself so you can grow.
  12. At least one good thing about getting older is you stop giving a d*mn what anyone thinks. You're still stuck with the problem of what "you" think but you stop being as hard on yourself. Don't get me wrong I have my bad times--like the holidays and the fact that I have a pet who's dying. But do I care what people think anymore? No. They're no better than me and probably want someone who parties with them or has more in common with them (like kids) or wants someone who just is there for them without them having to be there for you, etc.. There's nothing wrong with you. You were created in God's image. If you want to change things, work on that--for yourself, no one else.
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