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AtivanAndXbox

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About AtivanAndXbox

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    Somebody’s Sofa

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  1. AtivanAndXbox

    How can I help?

    Thank you, Epictetus. I will try that route. Usually the most help I can offer is to be patient while he takes out his anger on me. And then when he realizes he’s been hurting me, to give him comfort. It’s a lot, but I think it’s what helps him the most, that unwavering support. It’s more that I know I can’t be enough to make up for everything else. I will try the library.
  2. I know someone who I suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder. We met years ago and it was like an explosion. I’m not dramatic, it felt that way. You see, I am an empath, and the emotions of others wash over me on a daily basis, sometimes to point of nausea. I have to work very hard to know what feelings are mine and which ones belong to the people around me, it’s tough... And I can’t help that I reflect them back, I don’t know how to stop it. But this guys’s emotions are like a riptide. They don’t wash over me. They pull me out to sea and drown me. They change from one moment to the next. He shows up in my life at random times and destroys all sense of balance. But this really isn’t about me. Okay so I am not a doctor or a counselor by any means but I do know this man. He has a history of unstable relationships, no self worth, extreme fear of abandonment, the fastest anger I’ve ever experienced (and I am from a highly bipolar family). He won’t see anyone for help. He loves guns and thinks that plus his thoughts of suicide might get him locked away in a hospital. I know I’m not the only person he has in his life, but I might be the only person he knows he can count on to show up when he’s at his worst. Show up with a warm passenger seat and arms that never hit back. I feel like one of those people you see online who adopts all the badly treated pitbulls to rehabilitate them through love and care. Never mentioning the fear of having their face ripped off one day. So my question: How can I help? Do any of you have experience with BPD or have a loved one who has it? If so, how do you help them? How do you help them help themselves?
  3. AtivanAndXbox

    Longterm panic attack

    Tesla, I think it’s a lot of things, honestly. I wish I had faith that her motives were more kind, but... I’ve known her a long time. We talked for a few minutes last night, just empty talk, but it was something. Sometimes having friends just doesn’t feel worth the trouble. Maybe I am the problem after all.
  4. AtivanAndXbox

    Why am I here?

    @Epictetus I thought I saw a post from you mentioning hand pain so bad that it keeps you from typing. And yet you have nearly 10,000 posts on this forum. Thank you for taking the time to check on me. I know it comes at a cost, and I appreciate what you do here. How I feel is always complicated. I feel anxious and tired after days of near constant mania. But there are good things, too. Hope.
  5. I’m sorry you are going through this, DaisyChains. I hope the counseling helps you come to terms with what happened in Spain. In the meantime, let me remind you that you are doing a good job. You are! By asking for help, by wanting to give your kids a happy childhood, you are doing good things for them! My son catches me crying sometimes, and he asks me why. I tell him that sometimes I feel sad and it’s not because of anything that has happened, I just feel that way in my heart, and that’s okay. I use it as an opportunity to ask about how his heart feels. I use it as a way to teach him that feelings are normal, even when they don’t feel like everyone else’s. It’s okay to let your kids know you’re human. It’s okay to BE human. Parents fail their kids on a daily basis, in small ways, but how you deal with it is what your kids will remember. They WILL remember you tried. They WILL remember every time you got up and gave them your love, or even when you said “I can’t get up, come lay in bed with mommy. Bring a book, let’s just read together.” Give them a big squeeze, it might be exactly what all of you need right at that moment.
  6. AtivanAndXbox

    Longterm panic attack

    Thank you for an insightful response. There are few things in my life that have remained stable in the past couple years. My life exploded, all of it. Truthfully, very few remnants were kept from a life that I took great personal pains to shred. These two friends were constants. They were cherished friends, and I relied upon them both during my darkest times. But I worked so hard, really damn hard, to move my life forward. Not out of the darkness, that never really goes away, but forward, out of the ashes. I think that was the breaking point for one of the friends, the practically lifelong one. Her life is not progressing, and I think part of her hoped that mine would stay more similar to hers, maybe that we would stagnate together. The reason I blame myself... I’ve always been kind of ebb and flow. I’m here, I’m involved, and then I’m gone until I drift back. But this time I got so used to shifting the rubble for myself that I stopped letting anyone else touch it. Even friends who were used to being trusted with the pieces of my life. Anyway, I hope that the stories are not over yet. But I really appreciate your care. I hope you tell at least one person today that they are important to you.
  7. Hi Tesla, I'm glad you’re here. Your name gives me good energy, as Tesla is bit of a hero of mine. Sounds like you’ve got some experience in introspection, which I always think is the first step to self acceptance. I mean sure. I’ve personally been in a perpetual existential crisis since I was a little kid, but, you know... I’m working on it. Welcome to a place where we’re all working on it. -AX
  8. AtivanAndXbox

    Why am I here?

    @froggymom I’m truly sorry that I don’t agree with you... I feel like my life might be less complicated if I believed that I wasn’t just a lump of carelessly collected genetic material, and that casting my cares anywhere out of my own reach would be anything other than supreme negligence. I’m happy for the people whose burden is lessened by religion, but I am not able to believe that for myself. As far as having someone to talk to, yes, and I do. I have realized that mentioning my mental state to someone other than my journal helps keep me accountable for my safety. So if I tell my one remaining friend or my mom that I feel terribly depressed, then I also am reminding myself that they would be hurt by me if I hurt myself.
  9. I’ve been struggling with some serious anxiety lately, much of it stemming from the loss of... the loss of not one but two of my closest friendships. My closest friend, someone I’ve known for 17 years... over half my life... recently told me that she feels so hurt by our growing distance that she can’t be around me. She said that she needed us to have time apart...and this is from someone I’ve only seen twice in the last three months. We both have busy schedules and they never seem to line up right. This was... heartbreaking to me, and it has felt like an extraordinarily impactful rejection. Made worse by the fact that it came only a couple weeks after another deeply painful friend rejection. These were completely unrelated too. The worst part is that I know these are two people who care about me, but they can’t tolerate the way I am. I do feel like it’s my fault in both cases. I don’t know how to say “I need you.” I don’t know how to let anyone care about me. So I told them both I love them and then I let them both go. It’s not what I wanted at all but what does that matter if they wanted to go. I’m the problem. I don’t get a choice. Now I seem to be in an extended anxiety attack. It is so physical, hurts to breathe and my body continuously shakes like my blood doesn’t want to move right. Can’t sleep. Little jolts of electricity in my brain. An anxiety attack, only drawn out day after day for months. My life is already hard and now it’s hard pretty much alone. I can’t cope. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to be numb.
  10. Oh. This is a very old post that probably no one cares about... Awesome.
  11. My boyfriend uses a CBD vape pen for anxiety and has had great success with it. It has decreased the use of his anti anxiety meds from nearly every day to maybe once or twice a month, and that’s when things are pretty bad. CBD oil claims to have a lot of other health benefits like helping with inflammation and chronic pain, and I am aware of no real downsides (as long as it’s legal in your state). It does not get you high, it has no psychoactive properties. I have used it a couple times, but the effects come more from long term use. I wouldn’t mind using it myself, but the oil is hydrophobic, which means it comes with a dry mouth and throat, and I am already chronically thirsty. If this one issue doesn’t bother you... Might be worth a shot. If you try it, let us know how it goes! Best luck to you.
  12. AtivanAndXbox

    Why am I here?

    Thanks everyone. I really meant “Why am I here” on this website that is meant to seek support and community and friendship to ease the burden of depression. I don’t know that these things will help me, but I guess I’m willing to try.
  13. We’ve all got our reasons for being here, but I don’t know what mine are. Sure, I could give the easy explanations and say I have bipolar disorder and depression, OCD and anxiety. I could tell you that I have PTSD from past sexual trauma, difficulty trusting men and relating to women, a long, sad history of failed relationships of all varieties. Yes, I have thoughts of suicide nearly every single day, even the good days, but much worse on the bad days. I could tell you my life is really, really hard, so there are a lot of bad days. But I don’t know why I’m here. I’m a rubber band, I don’t respond to outside change for long, and at the core of myself, I am still the same. I could have 500 people comment on this and say “you’re not alone,” or “omg me too,” or “no please don’t die, you’re worth keeping alive.” But none of you know what my heart looks like. You can’t see the love I feel for people from a distance, only for that flame to turn to ice when they get too close. I’m full of fear, and I want them away from me. I hurt them and I hurt myself, too. So why am I here? I don’t know yet.
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