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About AtivanAndXbox

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  1. AtivanAndXbox

    Why am I here?

    @froggymom I’m truly sorry that I don’t agree with you... I feel like my life might be less complicated if I believed that I wasn’t just a lump of carelessly collected genetic material, and that casting my cares anywhere out of my own reach would be anything other than supreme negligence. I’m happy for the people whose burden is lessened by religion, but I am not able to believe that for myself. As far as having someone to talk to, yes, and I do. I have realized that mentioning my mental state to someone other than my journal helps keep me accountable for my safety. So if I tell my one remaining friend or my mom that I feel terribly depressed, then I also am reminding myself that they would be hurt by me if I hurt myself.
  2. I’ve been struggling with some serious anxiety lately, much of it stemming from the loss of... the loss of not one but two of my closest friendships. My closest friend, someone I’ve known for 17 years... over half my life... recently told me that she feels so hurt by our growing distance that she can’t be around me. She said that she needed us to have time apart...and this is from someone I’ve only seen twice in the last three months. We both have busy schedules and they never seem to line up right. This was... heartbreaking to me, and it has felt like an extraordinarily impactful rejection. Made worse by the fact that it came only a couple weeks after another deeply painful friend rejection. These were completely unrelated too. The worst part is that I know these are two people who care about me, but they can’t tolerate the way I am. I do feel like it’s my fault in both cases. I don’t know how to say “I need you.” I don’t know how to let anyone care about me. So I told them both I love them and then I let them both go. It’s not what I wanted at all but what does that matter if they wanted to go. I’m the problem. I don’t get a choice. Now I seem to be in an extended anxiety attack. It is so physical, hurts to breathe and my body continuously shakes like my blood doesn’t want to move right. Can’t sleep. Little jolts of electricity in my brain. An anxiety attack, only drawn out day after day for months. My life is already hard and now it’s hard pretty much alone. I can’t cope. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to be numb.
  3. Oh. This is a very old post that probably no one cares about... Awesome.
  4. My boyfriend uses a CBD vape pen for anxiety and has had great success with it. It has decreased the use of his anti anxiety meds from nearly every day to maybe once or twice a month, and that’s when things are pretty bad. CBD oil claims to have a lot of other health benefits like helping with inflammation and chronic pain, and I am aware of no real downsides (as long as it’s legal in your state). It does not get you high, it has no psychoactive properties. I have used it a couple times, but the effects come more from long term use. I wouldn’t mind using it myself, but the oil is hydrophobic, which means it comes with a dry mouth and throat, and I am already chronically thirsty. If this one issue doesn’t bother you... Might be worth a shot. If you try it, let us know how it goes! Best luck to you.
  5. AtivanAndXbox

    Why am I here?

    Thanks everyone. I really meant “Why am I here” on this website that is meant to seek support and community and friendship to ease the burden of depression. I don’t know that these things will help me, but I guess I’m willing to try.
  6. We’ve all got our reasons for being here, but I don’t know what mine are. Sure, I could give the easy explanations and say I have bipolar disorder and depression, OCD and anxiety. I could tell you that I have PTSD from past sexual trauma, difficulty trusting men and relating to women, a long, sad history of failed relationships of all varieties. Yes, I have thoughts of suicide nearly every single day, even the good days, but much worse on the bad days. I could tell you my life is really, really hard, so there are a lot of bad days. But I don’t know why I’m here. I’m a rubber band, I don’t respond to outside change for long, and at the core of myself, I am still the same. I could have 500 people comment on this and say “you’re not alone,” or “omg me too,” or “no please don’t die, you’re worth keeping alive.” But none of you know what my heart looks like. You can’t see the love I feel for people from a distance, only for that flame to turn to ice when they get too close. I’m full of fear, and I want them away from me. I hurt them and I hurt myself, too. So why am I here? I don’t know yet.