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  1. Thank you for this, this was very helpful to read, makes it all seem more realistic and possible. Gives a sense of hope.
  2. I agree, not every one who is loved loves themselves. Everyone is different, while some are unable to love themselves, they find someone who does love them regardless. I've thought this over and I personally though am not able to accept love as my self hatred stems so deep I can't accept that they truly love me as I don't see why they would, so I doubt them and push them away. I guess I shouldn't learn self love to find love, I need to accept that I can be loved. My issues stem from more than past relationships, being abandoned by my father at an early age made me feel as if, if the person that's biologically supposed to love me can't, why would anyone else? I keep going back to that mentality, being a scared child, desperately wanting my father to come back to me and be there for me. Life was hard, but I kept hoping that if only he'd come back, he'd make it all better, but that never happened, and when I met him again 13 years after, I found that he just didn't care. Depression is exhausting, it's a very difficult thing to live with. I'm trying, but the exhaustion gets overwhelming. From afar though, no one would guess. I over compensate by projecting the optimism I wish I felt out to the world and around people being the happiest person you can imagine. When people find out I'm depressed, they don't understand why. Every single person starts counting all the things I have going for me, they all say I'm beautiful, young, intelligent, successful and have so much going for me, how can I be depressed? And them saying all that makes it even worse. Why am I depressed? It feels like a heavy burden carrying so many reasons to be happy, but remaining unable to be so. My therapist keeps saying that I've been through so much, I'm stronger than I think, I can keep going and get through anything, and logically in my head, I know, I've been through so much and I keep going. But I'm tired. And I'm lonely. I don't want to be alone, but I'm so scared of being abandoned again I keep falling into a crying heap internally, breaking down the second I feel anything close to fondness for someone. I would love some advise, how can I learn to accept love without accepting myself?
  3. While the first time that I was told I was depressed was at 12, it was only this year that I finally sought out help and started talking to a therapist. I've just turned 27, and though I waited so long to get the help I needed, I am so so happy that I did. I still get bad moments, I still struggle, every day is a struggle of self loathing, but at least I know I am doing something to get better, I sought out help and started to change my life. I am making the steps to stop the pain. Getting help has changed everything for me. It was terrifying, and it took me all this time to build up the courage and will power to do so, but I am so very glad that I pushed myself. It is never too late to start your life, to make changes, to find your way. I'm going through a bad low at the moment, but I am fighting so hard to get myself out of it and coming on to here to see that I am not alone, that there is hope. I really hope you find the help you need and don't let the fear overwhelm you, it's never too late and you are not too old. I wish you luck.
  4. There's a part of me that thinks that I am single because I'm depressed. No one wants to be around that, and I don't want to subject them to it. I always self sabotage every relationship I have, be it romantic or friendly. I always push until they break as I'd rather they leave because I gave them a reason instead of just leaving because I'm not enough. I signed up to this forum specifically to vent about my inability to feel in relationships, to deal with them, to cope. To find how others have gotten through it and how they can connect. All I want so desperately to be loved, by anyone at all, that I just jump from one poorly suited relationship to the next. My last serious boyfriend was the reason I sought out professional help after years of struggling with depression and anxiety alone. I spent 3 years with a narcissistic sociopath that gaslit me for 3 years, emotionally and mentally abused me and ended up cheating on me in a long, drawn out, public affair while I was living with him. That was all over almost a year ago now, and I still have PTSD from that relationship, but I keep seeking out new connections because of my abandonment issues and hyper-sexuality disorder, running head first from one bad thing to another, and getting hurt every time. It's lonely and it's painful. But the depression makes me so numb to it all that it's not one big ache every now and then, it's a growing ever present dull ache that makes my whole chest feel numb and dull. It all hurts so much it's almost like it doesn't hurt anymore. It is comforting to see on here how people have found people to spend their lives with, how so many posters have husbands and wives and children. My depression makes me a natural disaster, I'm like a hurricane or an earthquake tearing through the lives of anyone that gets close to me. The isolation is so terrifying, and every time I hurt someone, I just hurt myself more. How can anyone love me if I can't love myself, if I hate myself so much? Self love is the key, but what do you do when it feels so far out of reach its almost impossible? I keep doing these awful things to people with no control over myself. How can I ever forgive myself for my mistakes or forget the pain that scars me and forever changes me into this ugly caricature of depression?
  5. My issue with this man is troubling me. I've spent 5/7 months with this guy in my life, talking daily, meeting frequently, and now, in the blink of an eye its all done. Gone. I kept testing him by pushing him away and so he left. I didn't even want him, I didn't want this thing to go anywhere, but now it's done and gone, it's just like it's another rejection. Another abandonment. When I spoke to my therapist last night we discussed this. I have deep-seated abandonment issues from my father leaving me as a child and the turmoil that that caused in my life subsequently. The fear of being left again, being unwanted, waiting and hoping for my father to come back to me and want me again never left me. No matter how many years go by, I still feel like the abandoned, unwanted child who's own father couldn't love her enough to stay in her life. He never came back to me, and since then I just keep getting left, over and over again in one way or another. So as a safety mechanism I've started to push people away, to give them a reason to abandon me, so that I'm not being left again without reason. This man's leaving is insignificant, and I didn't really care for him. So it was unfair of me to keep him around for as long as I did given that I didn't actually want him. We were a means to and end to each other, a fun way to spend some time. But now it's over, i still feel like I've been left. Even though it was my fault. I keep thinking to myself, why was I not special enough? Why did he not want to keep me? Why did he not choose to stay with me? Is the person I've been replaced with so much better than me? What am I missing or lacking? What makes me unlovable? He said he's sorry that it's ending, he said I was funny, kind, caring and sexy. So what was I missing? What more can I be? What more can I do to make someone want me? It's a moot point as I don't want him. But it breaks me that he doesn't want me back. I cling to men for their validation, I use it keep myself together, the constant need to feel wanted. It's sick and it's exhausting and it's never enough. It eats away at me to think no man will ever love me the way I want to be loved. I'm like an earthquake, I break every relationship in my way and I leave men changed and shook up by the experience of being with me, because I don't want to be with me. I get abandoned so much because I force people to abandon me. I do this to myself and I am my own worst enemy. No one wants to leave me as much as I want to leave myself. My latest spiral down isn't because of this man. It's because of the way I made him leave me. I didn't care about him, but I care that he left me. Overall, I was cold and unfeeling as always. And I remain this way. I feel so numb I can't breathe. My lungs feel heavy and sore. I was up all night feeling like I was suffocating. Thinking, I should miss someone I spent to long with, someone I shared a bed with for so many nights. I missed the comfort of feeling someone in bed with me. But it could have been anyone, I just needed another body. I liked the idea of him, and now I feel emptier for not having someone be there in that spot anymore.
  6. Thank you for the kind welcome. Just letting the thoughts out really helped. It's cleansing to just not have them rattle around in my brain all the time, once they're down and out, it makes it easier. Makes it more real, like I'm not just imagining all this awfulness in my own head. It validates me and my feelings, no matter how trivial.
  7. So much of what you've said has really struck a cord with me. I've spent so many therapy sessions, crying my eyes out, asking if all of this was real. I feel so numb, all of the time I don't even know what I'm truly feeling and what is just a reaction. In my lowest moments I compensate for my lack of feeling and emotion by thinking when I felt too much it was all an exaggeration. It just hurts too much to admit to myself that all this pain is real. It almost doesn't seem fair that a person should feel so much and hurt so badly. I'm 27 now and only recently started seeking professional help. I've suffered in silence for so long and just kept feeding myself with all these negative thoughts and self doubts, I didn't trust myself, and until now I don't believe myself or my own mind. I got sick recently, actually physically sick, and it made a lot of my depression related symptoms worse, so much worse, and I started to doubt whether they were actually real or not. It was hell, not knowing if it really hurt or if I was just making myself think it hurt. But it was all real, it was all medically real and all the symptoms and causes were real, but I spent so much of my life distrusting myself, I couldn't see what was happening to me. My therapist always tells me, that I need to be kinder to myself. Hearing these words has helped me so much. I struggle to follow them, but keeping them in the bad of my mind has helped. I do need to be kinder to myself, I deserve kindness, even though I don't think I do, a part of me knows I do. And you deserve kindness too, you deserve to be kind to yourself, and accept that the pain is real, there is no need to punish yourself for that which you cannot help. Wanting to believe that it's all in my head is a way of saying that if its not real, if I'm faking, it means I can kick myself out of it and be better. It's a safety mechanism. If I'm just a fool making things up, then this pain is not real. It hurts so much to feel all this numbing agony, that thinking its pretend makes me for a second think I can choose to shrug it off and end the hurt. But it needs to be handled head on. We are responsible for our own happiness, we need to know that if we are not happy, we can change our lives and find a way to be better. I'm so desperate to get better. It's all that I want. Finally believing that the pain exists has made me believe that something can be done about it. I'm at a low right now, but knowing and understanding that it's a low gives me the glimpse of hope that I'll get up again, and keeping this thought in my heart makes me feel something, and it's just so good to feel again.
  8. As sick as this may seem, it's comforting to know that at least I'm not the only one that feels this way. I feel like I ruined my life through all my mistakes and I just keep on ruining it over and over again. I feel incapable and stunted, like I can't move and I cant breathe, there's nothing I can do to keep myself from sinking, so I just keep going lower and lower. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired of being this tired. I should be working right now. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, I know have to do it with my deadlines coming up, but instead I'm on here. Frozen in my own thoughts and unable to think. I've spent the last 3 hours staring at the screen or at the various papers around me, and all I feel is a numb sadness and a heavy pressure on my chest. I just want to get all these awful thoughts out of my mind. As I sit here wasting my time, at least it's comforting to know I'm not the only one in this world, hating myself for being the way I am. I want to feel happy, that it mean's I'm not crazy, I'm not the only one. But overall, I still just feel numb, and still unable to work, to pull myself out. I have to rescue myself, get pulled out of this spiral of negative thoughts, change my perspective, bolster myself out of this funk. But I'm so flat, I don't have the will. I've sought out therapy and medication, and it has helped. On my good days, I feel almost human, but today is a dip, it's a low day, and it hurts more than I can put to words. I really hope you seek out/are getting professional help and advise. You may have bad days. but it really does work. It helps, you just need to keep wanting to try. I may be bad today, I may be bad for the next week, but I really am trying. I want to be better. I want to be myself again, so I will keep on seeking help and getting treatment until the good days become the norm. I hope you do too.
  9. I'm new to the forum, looking for a place to voice what's on my mind without the fear of pushing people away or turning them off of me. I was first told I was depressed by a doctor when I was 12, but I'm not sure when it actually began. I don't remember ever feeling anything else other than the way I am now. I reached out and started counseling in January of this year, and after a few months of cognitive behavior therapy my therapist could see that I was spiraling and getting worse, so I started antidepressants. The first one I tried reacted very badly, but the one I've been taking for the last 4 months has really helped. I've felt better. To a point. But now, I don't really know anymore. I have therapy later today, and I'll be able to say what I need to, but for now, while I wait, I desperately needed an outlet, a place to share what I think and to say all the awful thoughts spinning in my brain, to expel all of these demons and not feel like I'm talking to myself. I'm tired of talking to myself. I'm tired of me. I want to have someone to share with, someone that won't judge, that will understand, that will not absorb my awfulness and shrink away from me for it. I've felt poisonous of late. All I do is go around and infect everyone with my awfulness. I can't seem to keep friends, lovers, acquaintances or even family relationships. I don't know how to do it. I feel alone, isolated. I don't know anything else but this isolation. I want so desperately to be alright, to feel, to have, to share, to think, but I am incapable. I am trapped in my own head and all I want is to escape from it. I want to talk, and actually say everything I want to say and not feel judged, or wrong, or misunderstood. I want the anonymity but the community. And so I sought out this space. A place to empty my heart. Because all I feel right now is trapped and heavy. It's like my chest is weighed down with lead and I can't breathe. I'm so tired of the loneliness, of the nothing. More than anything in the world I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I've spent my whole life so far hoping desperately for someone to love me. But it's so hard to imagine that that would ever happen, as I hate myself so much. So how could anyone else love me? I want to stop feeling alone. I want to feel like someone else understands me, wants to listen. I'm so desperate to feel. But every day, I just feel less and less able to do so. What pushed me today of all days to speak, is that on top of my depression, I have hyper-sexuality disorder. A constant need for physical release, but a complete shut down of emotion. I just need something, to feel, but it leaves me feeling nothing. I end up feeling lonelier than ever after every tryst. I hate myself for doing it, and I don't even like the men I end up with. I just run from one man to another, always hoping that someone will eventually love me. At the advise of my therapist, I found a man that I actually liked, I liked him as a person, I enjoyed spending time with him, and we had a great physical chemistry. I didn't like him, but I liked him, if that makes any sense. I didn't hate myself for being with him. But we got to a point of going through the motions of a relationship, without actually being in a relationship, or being involved with him in any serious way. It was just something to do, and one person that I can expel my physical needs with, without any sort of attachment or the feelings of guilt and self hate. We had a good time together. We spent 5 months in this thing. But it felt so hollow, I felt like I was living a lie, and so i started to fade. I lost myself and I could see myself pushing him away with everything I did, while desperately wanting him to still like me. I wanted validation, but I didn't want him. But because he was there I wanted validation from him. So I tested him, without even admitting to myself what I was doing until it was too late. So I pushed and pushed, hoping he'd try to hold on. But he let go and started to pull away. I felt it coming, I could feel he was somewhere else, that he found someone else. and so I sat with this feeling, until I felt the darkness coming and knew I had to face it head on. So i told him, I know it's ending, we've come to our natural conclusion, it's time one of us said it out loud. Now it's all over. I didn't want him. I wasn't attached to him, I wanted to end it. But now he's gone. I have nothing again. I've been left again. I lost another person. I have nothing again. The loneliness is overwhelming and I am just numb. I should be upset, but i'm not upset. I just feel dull. Dull and numb. Just numb all over. But I also feel sad, but I'm only sad over how numb I am. This is ridiculous. And I feel stupid, so I wanted to voice how stupid I feel without feeling shamed, without looking at or hearing the disappointment and pity that saying this to someone in person will inevitably invoke. I just want to be heard. But I don't want to speak. Typing is easier, it gets it out without being self conscious. Is this all just in my head? Does anyone else feel so alone and ashamed of their loneliness? Please tell me I'm not alone.
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