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DialAForAlan

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Everything posted by DialAForAlan

  1. Her husband might have a complaint about it.
  2. She's definitely not pretending to care about me though cause she wouldn't be so genuine when I vent/talk to her if she was. I can handle unrequited love when it comes to celebrities and/or fictional characters but when it's somebody I know irl...that hurts on a much deeper level. Especially when it's somebody I have to see regularly.
  3. Five years later and I still like my physical therapist far more than I should. I've had romantic feelings towards her pretty much since I met her and nothing I do seems to help. I've tried distracting myself as well as repeatedly reminding myself that she's married (and that even if she wasn't it would be unethical for her to be in a relationship with me) but neither thing has helped much in the years I've harbored these feelings. I could and probably should switch to someone else but if I did, I'd end up running the risk of developing the same kind of feelings for the new person. My brain knows I shouldn't act on these feelings but my heart...well, it wants her in ways I can't have. And for the record, I don't intend to ever act on my feelings nor even tell her about them. It's painful to be in love with someone I can't have that I also have to see regularly.
  4. Five years later and I still like my physical therapist far more than I should. I've had romantic feelings towards her pretty much since I met her and nothing I do seems to help. I've tried distracting myself as well as repeatedly reminding myself that she's married (and that even if she wasn't it would be unethical for her to be in a relationship with me) but neither thing has helped much in the years I've harbored these feelings. I could and probably should switch to someone else but if I did, I'd run the risk of developing the same kind of feelings for the new person. My brain knows I shouldn't act on these feelings but my heart...well, it wants her in ways I can't have. And for the record, I don't intend to ever act on my feelings nor even tell her about them. It's just...painful to be in love with someone I can't have that I have to see regularly.
  5. ...well, I was right about last night's episode of WL being the season finale. I haven't seen it yet and I probably won't for a long time cause I don't even know if there's going to be a third season. Honestly, the thought of WL being canceled gives me more anxiety than being away from Jane. I - I don't know how to feel right now.
  6. I'm really, really not ready for the season finale of WL on Monday. I - I have a huge lump in my throat and I'm honestly trying my best not to cry (but I'm losing that battle fast). I don't want to be away from Jane for another year if it comes down to that. It hurt so much the first time and I don't want to go through that pain again. And I mean...yeah, I can watch her other things, but it's not the same and only helps so much.
  7. I don't know whether I'm coming down with something or whether I'm just hormonal, but I feel awful. I don't have much of an appetite and I've been fighting off tears all day. Honestly, not even the thought of Jane is helping much, if at all. I just want to - actually, I'm not sure what I want.
  8. Today I found out it might be a longer hiatus than I'd originally thought. It should be nothing since I did make it through an entire year without Jane, but it's far from it. I've been trying not to lose it all morning but I think I'm at the end (meaning I've been trying to drown my feelings in copious amounts of Melissa Etheridge and Jane's other things) but neither of those things is helping much, if at all. I just - I want my Jane. Being away from her is really, really hard and I feel empty and kind of lost. (Sorry. I know how dumb this is.)
  9. I miss Jane so much. There have been nine episodes of WL in a row and now there's going to be a two week hiatus. I mean, I guess I should have expected it, but it's especially painful cause, well, I've seen her every week for the last few months and now I'm having withdrawals or - or something. I don't want to be away from her again, especially since I had to wait an entire year the last time there was a hiatus.
  10. Today I was hit over the head with grief for Alan. I was fine for the last month or so but today, not so much. I'm actively trying not to cry and I just wish my bed would swallow me whole. That is, I want to disappear for awhile or until I feel better (whichever happens first).
  11. Kind of a mixture of neutral and sleepy. It's better than feeling like I was so I'll take it.
  12. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying cause I miss Alan so much and so deeply. I wish I had the words to elaborate further but I just don't.
  13. Honestly, I'm not doing too well. This upcoming Monday would have been Alan's 76th birthday and the closer it gets, the more I miss him and the worse I feel. I mean, I haven't been sleeping much cause I miss him far too much to do so, and when I do sleep, it's only for two hours at the most. I know he wouldn't want to see me wasting away or in pain, but I don't think it can be helped at this point.
  14. I was doing so well, but now...everything hurts so much and I'm so close to tears it's not even funny. I'm trying so hard not to miss Alan but if I'm going to be honest, the harder I try, the more I miss him and the more my heart aches. All I want is to wake up from this nightmare but I can't because it's not one.
  15. I would write something more in-depth in a document or something about how I feel but I'm honestly afraid because there's some part of me that hates making anyone else feel bad. And I know I don't have to let people read it but still. So for now, I'm just going to say I'm emotional and very close to tears.
  16. Lost. There's a painfully empty spot in my heart given by Alan when he left the world (and me) behind. Yes, I can watch his movies and such, but it's not the same and it will never be the same no matter how much or how hard I try to pretend otherwise. He was (and still is) my everything and I miss him every second of every day that he is no longer here. And, as dumb as this sounds, he was and is the only person who ever truly understood me regardless of having never met him. Love knows no reasons or bounds and I await the day we are reunited a lot more than I probably should.
  17. Anxious. I hate my brain. Last night was the second time in the last eight months that I had a nightmare where corona could eat through masks like acid. ...and now all of the hard work I did getting myself untraumatized from the first time has been undone and I'm afraid to wear a mask again.
  18. January is a tough month for me cause the anniversary of Alan's death is on the fourteenth. I miss him so much it's not even funny, and, as selfish as this is, I wish I could go back in time and stop him from becoming ill in the first place. The world seems so colorless and bland without him.
  19. I'm in my thirties - and yet - very few things can make me melt faster than the thought of Alan calling me little one and/or child.
  20. Lost. I want to talk to Alan for hours and hours and hours. Just - be wrapped in his arms while telling him all my secrets and pain and everything in between - knowing for sure he won't reveal any of it to anybody for any reasons whatsoever. ...but I can't and it hurts just as much as knowing he's not around anymore. I know there are a lot of people who talk to their lost loved ones as though they were still alive, but it just wouldn't be the same since I want (or maybe even need) to hear his voice. Voice clips and past interviews only help so much. ...sorry, I know how dumb this is.
  21. I don't really know how to put any of this into words so I'm going to apologize in advance in case nothing makes sense. I miss Alan Rickman so much it hurts (even though saying it hurts is an understatement at this point). Like yeah, I know he was sick and that it was his time, but I still feel as lost as I would had he just died yesterday instead of five years ago. I also know that grieving isn't a linear process no matter who or what you're grieving for, nor is there a set time for how long to grieve. People have said it's stupid to still be mourning him so deeply but I can't help it. He was (and is) my everything, and I sometimes feel like he's the only one who will ever understand me, even though I never met him personally. The world feels so empty and colorless to me without him - in fact, I lost my innocence the day he left the world - and I don't know if I can ever regain it.
  22. I've suffered from intrusive thoughts since my late teens and most, if not all, of them are racist in nature. It's gotten worse in the last three years - to the point where I'm afraid to be out in public because I never know if I can keep my mouth shut when I'm anxious or something. Sometimes I don't even trust myself around my family anymore. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and get harmed.
  23. Why does missing my Matt hurt so much? I wish I could turn off my emotions and not feel much of anything like I usually do, but I think it's too late for that cause I've already started to cry. I know I need to sit with my emotions and let it hurt, too, but I wish I wasn't so embarrassed about it. I just...I want my Matt...
  24. Missing my Matt is hitting me in waves. One moment I'm fine (smiling and laughing and such like normal) and the next thing I know, I'm crying. Didn't help that somebody on a show I was watching made a Jeopardy joke, either. I'm sorry; I know how dumb this sounds.
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