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DialAForAlan

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About DialAForAlan

  • Birthday 12/15/1989

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  • Gender
    Other
  • Location
    Alan's lap
  • Interests
    Alan Rickman, Jane Lynch, Weakest Link (classic and current), Blue's Clues & You, Josh Dela Cruz, gaming, reading, writing fanfics and poetry, drawing, sleeping, fanboying, internet, and making photo edits.

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    alinkbetweenhearts

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  1. I would write something more in-depth in a document or something about how I feel but I'm honestly afraid because there's some part of me that hates making anyone else feel bad. And I know I don't have to let people read it but still. So for now, I'm just going to say I'm emotional and very close to tears.
  2. Lost. There's a painfully empty spot in my heart given by Alan when he left the world (and me) behind. Yes, I can watch his movies and such, but it's not the same and it will never be the same no matter how much or how hard I try to pretend otherwise. He was (and still is) my everything and I miss him every second of every day that he is no longer here. And, as dumb as this sounds, he was and is the only person who ever truly understood me regardless of having never met him. Love knows no reasons or bounds and I await the day we are reunited a lot more than I probably should.
  3. Anxious. I hate my brain. Last night was the second time in the last eight months that I had a nightmare where corona could eat through masks like acid. ...and now all of the hard work I did getting myself untraumatized from the first time has been undone and I'm afraid to wear a mask again.
  4. January is a tough month for me cause the anniversary of Alan's death is on the fourteenth. I miss him so much it's not even funny, and, as selfish as this is, I wish I could go back in time and stop him from becoming ill in the first place. The world seems so colorless and bland without him.
  5. I'm in my thirties - and yet - very few things can make me melt faster than the thought of Alan calling me little one and/or child.
  6. Lost. I want to talk to Alan for hours and hours and hours. Just - be wrapped in his arms while telling him all my secrets and pain and everything in between - knowing for sure he won't reveal any of it to anybody for any reasons whatsoever. ...but I can't and it hurts just as much as knowing he's not around anymore. I know there are a lot of people who talk to their lost loved ones as though they were still alive, but it just wouldn't be the same since I want (or maybe even need) to hear his voice. Voice clips and past interviews only help so much. ...sorry, I know how dumb this is.
  7. I don't really know how to put any of this into words so I'm going to apologize in advance in case nothing makes sense. I miss Alan Rickman so much it hurts (even though saying it hurts is an understatement at this point). Like yeah, I know he was sick and that it was his time, but I still feel as lost as I would had he just died yesterday instead of five years ago. I also know that grieving isn't a linear process no matter who or what you're grieving for, nor is there a set time for how long to grieve. People have said it's stupid to still be mourning him so deeply but I can't help it. He was (and is) my everything, and I sometimes feel like he's the only one who will ever understand me, even though I never met him personally. The world feels so empty and colorless to me without him - in fact, I lost my innocence the day he left the world - and I don't know if I can ever regain it.
  8. I've suffered from intrusive thoughts since my late teens and most, if not all, of them are racist in nature. It's gotten worse in the last three years - to the point where I'm afraid to be out in public because I never know if I can keep my mouth shut when I'm anxious or something. Sometimes I don't even trust myself around my family anymore. Honestly, I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and get harmed.
  9. Why does missing my Matt hurt so much? I wish I could turn off my emotions and not feel much of anything like I usually do, but I think it's too late for that cause I've already started to cry. I know I need to sit with my emotions and let it hurt, too, but I wish I wasn't so embarrassed about it. I just...I want my Matt...
  10. Missing my Matt is hitting me in waves. One moment I'm fine (smiling and laughing and such like normal) and the next thing I know, I'm crying. Didn't help that somebody on a show I was watching made a Jeopardy joke, either. I'm sorry; I know how dumb this sounds.
  11. Frustrated. I want to put together a playlist of songs that remind me of Matt, but all the songs I could put into it wouldn't do him justice.
  12. Not me wanting Matt to lay his head in my lap and read aloud while I play with his hair. Nor is it me getting all flustered the more I think about it.
  13. I cried myself to sleep last night and I'm probably going to do the same tonight. Matt wasn't just anybody to me - he was and is, as I said earlier, the only reason I'm still alive. Oh, sure, I can continue to follow his life on Twitter, but it's not the same. My heart hurts...
  14. Devastated. Matt Amodio lost on Jeopardy last night and, even though I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, I didn't think it would be this painful. Watching him was the only thing keeping me alive and the little happiness I regained during his time on the show is now gone. I won't lie - I was (and still am) more than a little bit in love with him - to the point where I feel like I was dumped.
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