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About DialAForAlan

  • Rank
  • Birthday 12/15/1989

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Jane's lap
  • Interests
    Jane Lynch, Weakest Link (classic and current), Blue's Clues & You, Josh Dela Cruz, gaming, reading, writing fanfics and poetry, drawing, sleeping, fanboying, internet, and making photo edits.

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  1. Every time I remember that I've suffered from compulsory het for most, if not all, of my life, I feel nauseous and uncomfortable. Honestly, I wish I knew how to get rid of it cause I'm tired of the gross feelings and tired of being "attracted" to men. I just want to be myself and love girls.
  2. ...so I know I should get food but I honestly don't think I can be away from pillow!Jane long enough to. ...and before anyone tells me to take her with me, it's not that simple cause I'd still have to let go to grab whatever out of the kitchen.
  3. Nothing is really wrong, per se, but I feel miserable anyway. I had the urge to cry a bit ago but I can't give into it cause it'd be like the scene from Alice in Wonderland. I'd be unable to stop and would probably drown, so to speak.
  4. I feel alone, unloveable, and unwanted. Oh, sure, I have family and friends, but sometimes I feel like they put up with me out of pity and/or because you can't abandon family. Just once, I want to have somebody who genuinely wants me around and who won't leave without warning. Somebody who understands my pain and who will love me despite my flaws. I always say I don't want to be remembered but the truth is, I do. More than I'll ever care to admit.
  5. Anxious and lost. We just finished a month's hiatus for "Weakest Link" and now, if I'm not mistaken (and oh god do I hope I am), we're headed towards another one. Even worse, I think next week's episode is the season finale, which means I might not know when Jane will be back for a long, long time. I...I don't want her to go yet and I...I can't be away from her without knowing when I'll see her again. My heart hurts...
  6. The thought of ever being attracted to a man again is really, really scary. It's like, I want to like them, but I just...can't. It feels wrong and weird and like assault, in a way. I know it's okay to be a lesbian and be attracted to girls, but I really hate compulsory het and the trauma that goes along with it.
  7. Lonely. I feel like I'm never going to find a girlfriend even if things do return to normal. I can't talk to girls cause I'm so awkward in general; plus, I suck at small talk and I don't drink or party. I just want to be loved but I have nothing to offer so...I'm just here, alone and unloved.
  8. Exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well for awhile now even with pillow!Jane and I'm a mess in general because of it. Honestly, I sometimes think the only way I'll be able to sleep properly again is with Jane (or Neenee as I like to call her) holding me and rubbing my back and like...talking softly to me. And yes, I do know how dumb and childish this sounds, and I'm sorry.
  9. As happy as I am knowing that I’ll see Jane tomorrow, I can’t help but worry that she won’t be happy to see me. That is, maybe she was glad to be rid of me for a month and/or thinks the hiatus ended way too soon.
  10. I guess. I've said this about other people but like...this is different. It's...well, like I said, I'm not sure how to put it into words but "I need her" is the closest. And yes, I know you really shouldn't rely on other people for your happiness but I don't think it can be helped. Honestly, I feel a deep sense of calm when I think about her that I've never had with anybody else. That is, not this deeply or this consistently. Nor does it feel rushed or forced in any way like it does with male-aligned persons.
  11. I'm so overwhelmed by love for Jane it's unreal. Honestly, I don't know whether I want to be with Jane romantically, have her adopt me, or some combination of both. And yes, even though I'm in my thirties, and yes, even though she and I each have a family of our own that loves us dearly. The "found family" trope speaks to me in ways I often struggle to express, and I...I just have this feeling that I'm meant to be in her life irl in some way. ...sorry; I know this is dumb. I'll shut up now.
  12. Last month some jerk sent me an ask on tumblr that totally invalidated my feelings for Jane. I've since blocked them, but they're lucky I didn't up and leave (or worse) because of their hurtful words. Now it's a month later and I'm too afraid to write about her in depth because of what they said. I just want to be able to write without feeling like I'm doing something I shouldn't.
  13. Don't be like me and trigger yourself by looking at an ex-crush's blog. It's not worth it. Now I can't stop thinking about her and how I almost proposed to her after only knowing her for a few weeks (part of it was that I wasn't well at the time because of depression but that's not an excuse). Worse, she was already seeing somebody and if I had proposed, well, I might not be here right now. Or maybe I would, but definitely not free. Tldr; I still feel guilty over it, I guess.
  14. I feel like absolute crap. I just want to curl up in bed with my Jane pillow and hide from the rest of the world cause it seems like most of my worst days happen when I'm out of bed. Honestly, I feel like nowhere else is truly safe right now.
  15. I'm the kind of exhausted that no amount of sleep can fix. That on top of being depressed and anxious is really messing with my ability to live. Meaning I'm in kind of a bad place right now even though I do have a few moments of happiness during the day. .
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