DialAForAlan

I’ve never wanted to snuggle with anyone the way I want to with Drew. It’s like, all of the other things I feel for him only happen after I start to think about snuggling with him or - or something. I’m not really sure how to explain.

Sometimes an hour five days a week doesn’t feel like enough time with Drew. I know I can supplement the day’s episode with older ones, but even doing that doesn’t feel like enough at times. Like, there are days when I really need to immerse myself in him to feel like I’ve had my fill, if that makes any sense?

I made it to Monday and was well rewarded.

Drew is alive though. And yet…sometimes I miss him as though he’s dead (mostly when there’s extra days of not seeing him).

I miss Drew so much. I know I can just go and watch some old ones to help get me to Monday, but it doesn’t always help. Sometimes it just makes me miss him even more, if that makes sense?

…god, I just want it to be Monday already.

I miss Drew so much I’m close to tears. It’s Friday, so I should be watching the last episode of the week later but I can’t cause of March Madness. I already have enough trouble with the weekends as it is without having extra and unwanted days apart. And yeah, there are old episodes on YouTube I can watch (plus his weekly radio show) both of which help a lot, but like…it’s not the same. Honestly, it throws my entire week off when there’s not enough Drew.

Not quite what I meant. There’s this ad with a woman who’s (for lack of better wording) all deformed- looking and it terrifies the crap out of me. The ad usually starts out with her going, ‘I wish I’d never seen a cigarette.’ If it weren’t for my need to see Drew Carey every chance I get, I’d be streaming everything and not watching any commercial TV at all.

Watching commercial TV is giving me extra anxiety cause of a certain anti-smoking ad that airs around this time every year. Honestly, if streaming wasn’t an option, it’d be a lot worse.

Who let him be so adorable?

Feeling a lot better today but I can definitely use more coffee.

I don’t know if I’m hormonal or just in a depressive low, but I feel sad and kind of lost. There’s a huge lump in my throat and I feel like I could cry. I won’t, though, cause I accidentally convinced myself that crying makes you weak so I’ve not really cried in a long time. How do you convince yourself that it doesn’t without feeling shame?

I don’t trust men. Not after my ex.

I’ve worn glasses off and on for years too and they never dilated my eyes then, but there’s a good chance they would now because I’m getting older (I’m over thirty). And even if I did find a female I trusted, I’d still be scared.

Honestly? Not that great. I started to read an actual book today only to realize that, despite the lights being on in my apartment, I couldn’t see the words very well. I probably need glasses, but I also can’t go to an eye doctor even if they were female cause they’d want to dilate my eyes and somebody (my cousin, I think?) told me horror stories as a kid about it feeling like excruciating pain. Needless to say, my anxiety is so high I can’t even tell my mom even if I wanted to.