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czzzhala

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  1. Hey, my names Christian. I struggle with anxiety and depression oh and addiction. Im pretty sure ive driven myself insane haha. I wasnt sure were to go and I dont want to talk to anyone so I came here to post. I don't know why. maybe to look for sympathy. ive always been good at that. I feel like a lowley rat. annoying everything I come around. a black hole really. Ive been living my life similar in my free time ever since i was young. Lots of binge watching tv, anything on the internet, doing nothing really. I played sports in high/middle school, but after school when I was out on my own i lost interest no I didn't lose interest, ill say I was consumed. I went to college, in fact I was on scholarship for soccer in Arizona but doing drugs was my main focus. Oh man. What i wouldnt give to go back to the day I first smoked and hit the pipe out of my hands or smash the bottle i had on the ground and say "dont". I wonder what my life would be like now.. but thats not what happened nor whats gonna happen. after 1 year at college I quit, came back home and my main focus was to smoke. After i came home it was a slippery slope over the next few years. My mental slowly decayed. I had friends, was with family alot, was active in sports, had a job, and slowly over time i started to lose it all. Not listening to anyone or anything, I think i slowly started to annoy everyone, they want/wanted to help me but I wasnt changing, i wasnt listening. Im not changing. Anyone would be there for me if I reached out. but I cant, it would be the cost of my pride and I just cant give that up for some reason. Maybe its because i dont want to or maybe its because i dont know how. Im not the sharpest tool in the shed either which doesnt help. I dont know or maybe i do know and just hide it from myself. Ive burned a lot of bridges, and every single time i did i acted and beileved like it never happened. Those people are non-existent in my life (except when my mind brings them back in and then i feel even more pain (guilt)). I have never learned from my mistakes and now my loved ones are paying for it. Im doing nothing. Mooching off my grandparents (who are both still working) because my parents dont want me in their house anymore. I am 22 btw. So ive gotten to the point where im sitting here in the dark crying wanting to end it and typing this out. But watching videos, being online, witnessing others suicides and the backlash on social media ive picked up that suicide only passes on the pain. Ive already caused enough pain and thats not fair to any of the good people who have helped me. ive cut off my friends. stopped drinking/doing drugs. and am searching. I don't want any sympathy, as I get ENOUGH of that already from the people I know. Someone just be honest with me. RIp into me. its the internet so I can happily hide behind my screen and not speak to any of you in person which makes it easier for me to take. am I an a******? what am I doing wrong.
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