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nhyris

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  1. So, I have read that having a schedule can help with depression. Currently, I am trying to add some more structure to my days. I don't know why but it makes sense to me. Having a routine is something I never really learned how to do. When I stick with it, I find comfort in routine. . How do you find the line between too much and to little structure? And How does anyone do something like this most of the 365 days in a year? Also, I should be in bed right now and I'm only half joking. Sometimes I Can't believe this is where I am at in life at almost 30 years of age.
  2. Got a cold. Not feeling very motivated. I always get anxious when I'm sick. So many things I feel like I should be doing but can't. Also, have to make sure the rest of my family does not get sick.
  3. The first time I saw one of my mom's schizophrenic episodes first hand, I was in the 8th grade. She had got me out of bed in a panic late at night. I watched her hide in a dumpster while she swore up and down that people were following us. She was frantically hiding behind cars and running from every person she saw. After joining her inside of a dumpster for what seemed like all night. I eventually got us to a gas station where I managed to get a hold of my dad and brother. (neither lived with us at the time.). I don't know if after that day she became worse or if I just noticed it more. I just know that She began to randomly accuse me of things. Poisoning her food, messing with the breaks on her car, spying on her etc, etc. life at home suddenly became constantly exhausting. One day it's Pulling a knife on a neighbor. Next day shes Calling the cops on me and my brother for allegedly poisoning her. This went on like this until I moved out at 17. I felt like I had to reevaluate everything she had ever taught me. How she used to scream and call me a ****** when I struggled with homework. How she used to call me fat or just start arguments with me over nothing. I All of it was wrong and I did not even know it. I went years without calling her after I moved out, I regret that now. I used to harbor a lot of negative feelings toward her. and now I just find it hard to be around her. I feel like I have let all my resentment go but now there is just a hole where the love for her is supposed to go. I call her on holidays and that's it. At times I feel like a bad son or a bad person because of it. Last time I was around her face to face 2 years ago she was not nasty or hurtful. I feel like I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know if I ever did. I guess all of this is coming up because holidays are right around the corner. My girlfriend thinks I shouldn't feel guilty for the distance I have drawn with her and says being around her would be bad for my progress. But holidays are coming up and I feel like I would just be running from my problems by avoiding her. I don't know I just want to be able to be close to my family again. It's bedtime.
  4. Thanks for the welcome you too! You both will definitely be seeing me around. Floor 2017, even with how easy it is for me to fall into the pattern of only seeing the negative things in life. Being able to get up and put one foot in front of the other is something I meditate on frequently when I do run. I'll be thinking about your post on my next run.
  5. Hi everyone! I recently have started therapy and have been making a more active attempt at self-care. I have struggled with depression constantly since I was 14 years old. I'm 29 now and I'm ready to start doing more to take care of my sense of well being and self-esteem. I just started seeing a therapist two months ago, seems to help allot. I'm currently trying to cope with the physical symptoms the most. Even when I feel like I have my negative thoughts in check. The lethargy, combined with general cognitive impairment is really bumming out. Anyway, I hope to learn a thing or two here and maybe even help someone. I also like running half marathons. Work as a plumber. I Currently, study to be a web developer. I'm also a gamer and anime fan. See you all in the PM.
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